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I'm so lost. . .
February 23, 2003
8:11 pm
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I was on here about a year or so ago...got myself on prozac and in counseling. Getting a divorce from a controlling, cheating, porn addicted, mentally abusive man. I could say quite a bit about him, but that is not what I need to talk about. We've been seperated for about 9 months, now. More issues just keep coming up. I'm a depressed, codependant, love addict who likes to live in a fantasy world of my own creation. I don't know why I can't deal with anything. I know some of this is probably pms, but it can't be all of it. I want to cry, but I can't. I don't know what I want to cry about. I have so much crap inside of me, but I don't know what it is or how to get it out. Sometimes I think I could never get off the prozac, because if I am this bad on it, how could I handle life without it? Not that I'm looking to get off it anytime soon, but it's just a thought. And I have been on it for a year, now. I'm also taking xanex for anxiety. I feel as if I cannot face who I am. Whenever I try to get things out, to face up to my deamons, I start to feel an anxiety attack coming on. I don't know if it is because I am planning for a life change in a few months, moving back to my home town, leaving my jobs, going to school full time, finally getting that damn divorce, whatever. I feel like I'm losing my mind. And to think, just two hours ago, I was in a great mood. Maybe it's being alone. So, if anyone out there has any idea of what is happening to me, in my head, or how to make it more managable, please help me. I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't think I know who I am. I think I've just been playing role after role my entire life, and now that I have to actually find ME, I am so lost, I feel like I'm going crazy. Please help.
Katherine

February 23, 2003
8:27 pm
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Hi Kathine, You are not crazy. You are very normal. More people than you would ever think feel the same way sometimes that you do right now. You are not alone in that. Are you still in counseling? The meds can help you gain control of the extreme ups and downs in your emotions, but you need to learn to love yourself just for being you.

You are getting ready to face a lot of major life changes and that creates a lot of stress. The changes might be a good thing in the long run for you. Sounds like your husband was very abusive in many ways. That had to do something to your self-confidence and ability to trust your own decisions. Try to focus on just one day at a time. You can and will get through things. This is a wonderful site to get support and caring from women who are going through many life changes themselves. Tomorrow will be a better day. Trust in yourself and look for something posive to focus on.

February 23, 2003
8:30 pm
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EVER STOP TO ACKNOWLEDGE ALL YOUR GOING THROUGH? ANXIETY GOES WITH CHANGE. PART OF THE PROGRAM, AFTER ALL YOU ARE HUMAN. I REALLY LIKE YOGA AND THE BREATH WORK, IT HELPS TO STOP THE CHATTER, AND SLOWS THE PALPATATIONS. THINK SUCCESS NOT FEAR. I DON;T THINK YOUR GOING CRAZY, CRAZY PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE OK..... LAUGH HAVE FAITH

February 23, 2003
8:48 pm
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Hugs Katherine,
We are hear to listen and be supportive so that you don't have to feel alone in what you are going through.

February 24, 2003
4:42 pm
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KATHERINE:
LIKE THEY SAID YOU ARE QUITE NORMAL I AM GOING THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE and it is a tough road and a lonely one at that, but we have to make tikme for ourselves i was on celexa for depression but then i was menopausal, but i still have bouts with the ups and downs but we are the ones that are in control of that and we only us can change it, you have to look deep into yourself to find out what makes you happy, my husband took off with my best friend in october, he was verbally and physically abusive, addicted to cocaine, etc. you know the scenario, and i had enough but i am so damaged, that i am afraid to get near another relationship, it scares me i don't want to get hurt any more, hang in there

February 24, 2003
4:56 pm
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Hugs to you Pam....thinking of you with compassion and understanding.

February 24, 2003
5:22 pm
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Hey there Katherine, what you are describing is NORMAL... I'd fear for you if you were perfectly happy and fine-fine-fine with all the hoops you are having to jump through. You've made it this far, just focus on keeping up your strength to get through the next bout of changes.

How's your physical health? Sleep is real important, and in times of stress it is sometimes damn near impossible to sleep. Are you getting any exercise? Even just walking 15 minutes or 20 minutes a day in the fresh air will help clear your head. Yoga is wonderful too, you don't have to be Pretzel Woman to do it either. Just do your best, relax, and focus on breathing deeply. Eat well also. Not a diet per se. Just more healthy good stuff. Get some fresh fruits and vegetables in there if you can, and drink lots of water. And caffeine can really make you wig out if you're in the right frame of mind for it (PMS, low blood sugar, stress, what have you).

As for "finding yourself", I think a lot of us struggle with that phrase, like it's some end result. Tah dah! I found me, there I am! I don't think it works that way. We all have to "role play" in our lives in order to function in society. Even "healthy" and "happy" people role play, being a different person with their friends, their spouse, their kids, their parents. The key perhaps is to find that facet of yourself that does not change no matter what role you are filling, and to always be aware of that piece. That's one thing that can help you stop feeling like you are going insane, always trading one mask for another while never allowed to show your true face.

Writing helps, in a journal, or here if you are looking for feedback, validation, or suggestions. Best wishes, Katherine.

February 25, 2003
10:54 am
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Katherine~

Normal....Ha! I never want to be!!!

But I can tell you that you are me three years ago and I will also tell you that I'm doing pretty good. It's a struggle and a challenge but each day gets a easier and today, I'm strong, healthy and independent (except for my addiction to the women and men her on AAC). We are a strong bunch of very admiral people that have gone thru or are going thru the same as you. You are not alone. Each of us here can give you little pieces to help.

I left my husband 3 years ago on January 30th. He sounds very much like yours. After years of living for him, being only a wife and mother, I had to find me. I started by finding what made me happy other than that. Finding and bonding with friends and working on my own and becoming independent. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. It just takes time. Even as short as 3 months ago, I was trying to please him...now I have this liberating feeling that I don't care what he thinks, good, bad or otherwise and that's the most amazing feeling!! I am finally FREE of his control.

Everything you are feeling right now is Normal, you need to grieve, you need to reflect and you will come out on the other side feeling like a new woman.

I often refer to my life as that of a butterfly...(my totem). I lived in a cocoon for many years, finally I have emerged, a new and beautiful woman and I am free to fly!!! Butterfly means rebirth and that is what you will have. Just believe in yourself and stay strong. Find supportive people like friends, your councelor and us. Read books, keep a journal of your thoughts and take time for yourself. Relax!! Breathe deep....and tell yourself you are worth it.

My thoughts stay with you....

Tracy

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