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I'm so lonely
September 30, 2003
9:50 am
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unhappy camper
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September 30, 2010
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Molly
"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

Yeah. That's it exactly. Thanks for that.

Jenni, hold our hands and take a step. The first step you take may be just the decision to THINK about leaving him.

Take your time. Start to stay "NO" to him. You are afraid of his anger maybe. It won't kill you.

The sun will come up the next day.

He needs you more than you need him.
In fact, what do you need about him? It's just an illustion of love. It's really slavery and being used and as Ladeska says "being treated like toilet paper".

I always knew I wouldn't make it with him....but I was addicted to him. I have been able to legally block him from contacting me.

If you were to leave him, you must try to stop him from using you from a different location. There is 'call blocking' from the telephone company where you can block callers by their phone numbers.

Try this. From this minute forward, you will NEVER pay for anything for him again. The party is over.

Get a separate bank account if you have a joint one. What can he do about it? Rant and rave? Big frigging deal.

Your mind will leave him first, then your body....and lastly your heart.

September 30, 2003
9:52 am
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jenni from the block
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September 24, 2010
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Well, made it through the night. Feel like shit this morning though. It's like I have an anxiety hangover. My partner came home in the middle of the night, and climbed into bed without saying a word to me. On one hand he disgusts me and I dream of horrible things happening to him, and then a minute later I want to hold him and help him because I know he is suffering inside and that his behaviour does not reflect the "real him". This struggle is wearing me out. Its hard to complete a work day, because I am always thinking about my situation. Thanks for the suggestion Free. I'm am going to try making those lists (today at work!).I can already anticipate what they are going to look like. I really don't know what would happen if I stopped enabling. There would be ferocious arguements for sure, and lots of anxiety for both of us. I just don't want to deal with that, thats the problem. When I do something different, it makes him angry or sad or whatever, and then I feel anxious and then maintain status quo to keep my anxiety in check?! Does this make sense? I guess I just need to survive the anxiety I would feel in this situation..Hmmm,has anyone ever died from anxiety? I hope not to be the first! Have a good day everyone, I will write later when home from work.

September 30, 2003
9:58 am
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unhappy camper
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It's all about him. He is in love with himself. You are in love with him.

What about you? Who loves you? Who will be good to you? Who will take care of you?

He is a sick person who cannot function normally. Probably never will.

Do you want to live with a dysfunctional partner who only cares about himself? It will just be endless pain.

You will reach your saturation point in time.

September 30, 2003
9:58 am
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jenni from the block
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Just got your post too, UC. Thanks. I think you are right about taking baby steps, the thought of asking him to leave seems too overwhelming right now and I don't want to make that decision until I am 100% sure that I am going to stand by it and not allow him to slither back into my life. Today I will think about leaving him (with help from the lists suggested by Free) and I will stop ONE enabling behaviour today-giving him money. And UC you are right! I will not die from his anger! I've been through hell and back with my partner, and though I haven't realzied it until just this moment, I think its actually made me stronger.

September 30, 2003
11:27 am
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sosos
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Again, the unbelievable. Every time I feel alone in my position with my ex, I realize I'm not. I wish I had more time here, I'm checking in from work since my home computer has been down for about 2 months and I miss these threads so much. I'm rushing to read through these which appear to be my life in print. I left my alcohol/drug addict last year, after 21 yrs., got divorced in March, and am still in his clutches one way or another. I reason to myself that I'm just trying to be his friend, help out, but it makes me disgusted with myself that I couldn't just leave it completely because I am so much happier on my own. On the phone is ok, then when I'd see him at first it was ok, now I can't stand it. He's not on drugs, still alcoholic, but it is completely who he has become and his attitude and personality and so many other things that now repulse me...how do I tell him that as he cries, and pleads his undying love for me, and his loneliness, and all the things that tug at my heart. My friends say it's a much worse position to be in, because most of their ex's want nothing to do with them, or as little as possible for the kids and that's it. I really wish it were that way, and I blame myself for allowing him to continue to manipulate me. Gotta run...you all take care. We gotta be so strong!

September 30, 2003
6:03 pm
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free
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The "real him" is the Hyde in the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personality. these people are so gosh darn confusing. The real him is actually a dual person- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. this is true of all abusers, all addicts. Or so I've heard. This applied to my situation for sure. Sounding as though it applies to yours as well jenni. You're getting something from this relationship or you wouldn't be staying. From my ex husband I was getting the feeling of being needed. When he was happy and joyful, my self esteem soared because I attributed his happiness to my doing. When I married him, I just knew in my heart that I could never be so cruel to him as people have been in the past, and just knew in my heart that my devotion and sacrifices to him could heal his wounds and bring him happiness, peace, joy, a successful marriage and family. I was so very wrong. Healing is a personal choice, a personal journey. Truth is, you can accompany someone on their journey, and you can guide them if they choose to follow. Keywords: their journey, they choose. This is why therapy and counseling can't work if the patient doesn't want to be there.

i don't understand the words "freedom is another word for nothing left to lose." I had my life. For me, freedom meant the opportunity to finally live it.

free

September 30, 2003
8:26 pm
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jenni from the block
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I realize that in writing those columns you suggested Free, that there actually are many valid reasons why I stay in the relationship. Primarily, that I have a strong need to be needed. I just haven't quite figured out why yet. Where does this stem from ? I know it has something to do with my relationship with my mother, but I haven't quite figured it all out yet. There are so many layers to unravel, its like peeling an onion. I feel stronger and more confident each day, that I will one day figure this all out, and finally be at peace. I can't imagine what that would feel like as I have been living in turmoil for so many years..

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