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I'm so lonely
September 26, 2003
9:35 pm
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unhappy camper
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I daydream about what my husband is doing, but I don't want to be with him. I miss the early days with him in that then I didn't know what all the problems were going to be. I was still unaware and so much in love.

If only.....

I'm talking to some new guys online but I keep rejecting the ones who are well-off financially. They think I'm a nut. But I just am worn out and tired and don't have a great wardrobe and great furniture etc.

I don't want to be some poor fool they take out to feed and have sex with. I need to be able to stand proud with them. Right now the ones with lots of leisure time and money are out of my league and probably snobs and I feel I can't handle the pressure.

September 26, 2003
9:44 pm
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unhappy camper
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He's not in control of himself. He promises to be nice but doesn't and doesn't understand what it is that he should do. He actually tells me over and over that he really doesn't know what nice things to do for me and I should just tell him. He says he is socially retarded. But that is not 100% true. Because even when I tell him what I want he won't do it. I get excuses instead.

Arghhhh.....I wish he could have a brain operation to fix him.

I wish...I wish...I wish....

September 26, 2003
9:47 pm
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unhappy camper
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Who is causing my suffering now? Is it him or me? I didn't do anything wrong. I was a good wife to him. So why am I wrong now???? I don't get it. Why am I the wrong one who should stop caring about someone and cut them out of my life when I didn't hurt them? Why do I have to be so strong when I am weak and needy for him?

I can't understand any of this....it just keeps hurting and is sad and makes me mad too.

It's not fair!

September 26, 2003
9:49 pm
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unhappy camper
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I just want to cry the rest of my life away.

September 26, 2003
10:39 pm
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darth
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I know that lonely feeling all to well the empty pain is usually unforgiving. When I let myself get tired it really takes me over. The days are long and the nights are longer yet filled with emptiness.I find my only comfort in praying and praying some more, until I can fall asleep with no hunger or pain.

September 26, 2003
11:02 pm
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jenni from the block
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unhappy camper, I don't know your story but I can totally relate to the range of feelings your experiencing. Sometimes (like today) I just feel sad and cry and other days I feel sheer rage at my partner and at the fact that even though my partner is the addict, the liar, the delinquent, I am the one who is in therapy and ultimately has to "do the work". I also wish my partner could have a brain operation!! I've also daydreamed about keeping him in a bubble never letting him out! Man, I am sick! Oh well, I laughed for the first time today!

September 26, 2003
11:25 pm
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unhappy camper
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It sounds kind of cute. He would probably churn up the bubble into a big lather and ruin everything. That seems to be their moti operati.

September 26, 2003
11:42 pm
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darth
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I always here that the codependents partner is adrunken loser, mean, and doesnt pay attention to the co-d's needs.I am kind patient loving, caring a wanting to be there for your partner person what the hell am I doing wrong, what part of the picture dontI F##@@@@**** get.

September 27, 2003
12:00 am
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Zinnie
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Hi UC et al,

Have you tried getting involved in local activities? I know that sounds lame, but what about meeting folks locally?

I don't know about meeting people of the net... as you said, they can pretend to be something that are not. I mean don't get me wrong, even folks you meet in person can fool you.

Perhaps now is a good time to start going to Church, or a new excercise program, etc.?

I don't know... just a thought.

Take care of yourself though no matter what you do.

Love,
Zinnie

September 27, 2003
1:10 am
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gypsygirl
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UC, wernt you just telling me the other day about how he spit in your face? Please don't remember the good times. It is time for you to love yourself. Put yourself first.

September 27, 2003
2:12 am
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ms.confused
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Hey unhappy camper..

Sorry your feeling so down today.. its seems we should be able to take the bad over the good at all times but it never it works out that way.. We always try to see the good in people and over look their bad behaviors and we often look to whats wrong in us.. why couldnt we fix them, make them happy.. why couldnt i meet their needs so they could have been able to meet mine, is it something i did or didnt do? ALL the questions we ask ourselves..Its a constant battle we play in our head.. sometimes its worse than the actual treatment we are recieving from the unhealhly people that mean so much to us.. But you are a wonderful, sweet, caring individual and you are exactly where u are suppose to be for today. Some days are better than others and we will continue to feel the pain until we heal from it and have developed the tools for loving ourselves the way we deserved to be loved. Its a really painful process but in the end well both be sittin down drinking coffee and eating cookies laughing at the pain that we felt here today because we will both be much stronger. I send u lots of love and hugs today.. (smile) i promise it will only be get better!

September 27, 2003
9:00 am
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unhappy camper
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My husband drove me insane by acting so horrible but talking soooo loving to me. He would attack at times and be vicious and repulsive, but right away he would tell me how much he loves me and would die without me. I want someone to want me that much, but not abuse and use me.

How can he do the opposite of what he says?????

That is what I can't cope with. It will always hurt so much that he could weave this wonderful loving spell but be a total sub-human in real life.

Why such a dichotomy??? Why did he do that to me? He was killing me with kindness with his words and hugs but otherwise he was mercilessly cruel and cold hearted.

How can that be??? How is it possible?

What kind of a person can do that?

Did he know what he was doing? I couldn't communicate this to him no matter how I tried or what I did.

He denied it, ignored it, sometimes admitted it....but nothing ever changed. He would say his main goal in life was to make me happy....he said this and wrote me letters from my basement and emails and phone calls....he said that!

But he made my life intolerable.

If I talked to him today he would say the same thing. And he would act the same too. Nothing would change.

How can you figure it out and how can you live with that? It drives you nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 27, 2003
12:25 pm
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free
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Unhappy camper

Just seems to me that what is truly important is that you are changing. I think the hardest part of letting go was accepting the death of all the hopes and dreams that existed when I said "I do." beuatiful hopes and dreams. So hard to let go. But for me, that's all my marriage was. Hopes and dreams. Ones that could never be. so many people have asked me, "how can you feel sorry for this man?" Because I've seen the pain within him. He's shown me. I know the child boy inside him who cries alone every moment of every day. That's why. I know what he suffered as a boy. that's why. And I know how he suffers as a man. What I had to learn is that I cannot heal him. I cannot take away the hurt that haunts him. I cannot console him. Because the choice to be consoled, held, healed, is his. And nobody elses. Until he makes the choice to reach out, within himself as well as to the outside, he will lash out in fits of anger and rage. Because that little boy is angry as well, and he should be. But I'm not fair to myself when I permit myself to be the target of that anger. I'm not the one who hurt that boy child. And I'm not the one who can take away that pain and that anger. No matter how much I try to take it and try to absorb it, it will never cease. I'm just the wall he smashes with his fists. There will never be a reprieve. Because walls cannot heal. They only enable the hurt and anger to subside. For a bit. Until the next time when that angry-hurt-boy-child takes control of the strong, adult man's body and mind. I found myself becoming a hurt-lost-angry little girl because hurt-lost-angry boys need company, and will find it.

September 27, 2003
4:35 pm
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unhappy camper
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free
That is SO well said. You mentioned something that I have been looking for. His hurt. Yes, my husband suffers horribly! It is sad to see. You want to baby him but he is too emotional. After a fight he would say to me "I need to be alone for a few days, that was too much for me....don't take it personally, I just need to try to get happy again". He DID suffer a whole lot.
That is what people don't understand. He was aching deep inside. That makes you want to offer him tenderness and security.
That pulls at your heartstrings. But then he also is a terrible monster who bullies you.

The duel personalty is impossible to deal with. It tears you apart.

Thanks for your post. I know we have been thru similar pain.

And there is no solution. It will always hurt.

September 27, 2003
7:26 pm
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jenni from the block
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Free, I know you were writing to uc, but your words really touched me..I've always felt so ashamed for staying with my partner given his addiction and behaviour, and I've always felt there was something internally wrong with me. But you are right, I stay with him and continue to love him because I know the pain he has suffered in his life and feel great empathy and compassion for all he has been through. I cling to the "dream" of what I think our relationship could be, but I know, deep inside that it is only a dream, one that will never be a reality. Anyways, you've given me alot to think about today and your words were just what I needed to hear. Thanks.

September 27, 2003
8:11 pm
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I'm glad my words meant something to both of you. It is so hard to break away from these men. It took me so many years. So many years to not base my self esteem solely upon the level to which I was needed by him, and by how much I could make him happy and whole. Accepting that I just did not have the power to do that, was a hard and long road. I think internally, I also in a way sought out punishment. Deep seeded guilt does that sometimes. Seeking out punishment is not the same as believing you deserve it. This is such a complex issue, that it's difficult to express in words. But something tells me that both of you know what I'm getting at. I wish I had the answers for you. One of the things that helped to motivate me to leave were these words: "If you have a need to make somebody happy, then find somebody that possesses the ability to LET you make him happy." It is true: the anger and rage characteristic of abuse is old hurt and deep pain, and it stands as a wall in front of love. There is no penetrating. Now this is gonna sound weird- I also heard the words "if consoling somebody and healing somebody is something you must do, try starting with yourself and the wounded child within you, because that is the only person you have the power to console and heal. There, you will find success." This was true too. Years later now, after finally leaving my ex-monster, I can still think about our marriage and wonder if I gave too early, or did/said the wrong things. I can still think about him, with all the evil things he does, and feel deep empathy. For me, it was an addiction. Like the ex-smoker or recovering alcoholic, i think this is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. Since I've left him, I've been an advocate, a teacher, and finally, a true friend to a few people. It is possible to make a difference in the lives of others. But not his. So, with all of this, what are you two going to do? that is such a deep question, I know.hugs.

free

September 27, 2003
8:36 pm
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unhappy camper
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For myself, I am dying to get into a room with a therapist, psychiastrist, psychologist, myself and my husband.

I want to drill him with questions.

I want to see him react to my questions with those people there. Not an off the cuff reply....'don't worry..I didn't mean it...I love you'.

I want to ask him WHY did you do this and WHY did you do that and WHY didn't you do this and WHY didn't you do that and so on and so on....

I want to tell the story in gorey details to those people with him sitting there and watch what he does.

This is my dream. Then I will really and truly know him. Then I will know what to do.

I don't want him talking to me alone and bullshitting me.

I want him called on the carpet for his behaviour.

I want this more than anything. I asked for this. I asked at the treatment centre and the doctors and his parole officer and him....

I said I want him to talk to a psychiastrist and then we were supposed to have a four-way meeting with his counselor and mine. But he dragged his feet and kept drinking and it never happened.

Now I have told him NO MORE CONTACT which is enforced by his parole officer...until you see a psychiastrist. That was Aug.24. A month ago.

The counselor said he would not do anything. So far, she is right.

I will probably never get that dream meeting.

I see it as sort of like when a person in the movies dies and goes to the Pearly Gates to be judged.

I want to see him defend himself, or take the blame, or whatever.

I am holding my breath for this.

September 28, 2003
2:54 am
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I'll hold my breath with you uc. You say when to let go. hugs.

free

September 28, 2003
11:55 am
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unhappy camper
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I want justice.

Free.....I'm close to letting go. Taking slow breaths and holding them but still breathing in and out.

My justice will be what in real life?

He will lose me. Immediately I think...how will he feel about that? But I should not care what he thinks for feels. He didn't for me.

His life is in a shambles but he tells me he has lived like this all his life with ups and downs and he likes living in hardship. I know he doesn't like it. He is just used to it.

September 28, 2003
3:43 pm
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Just don't feel pressured to let go. You'll do that when the time is right for you. It takes time. Took me years. I wish I could tell you what your justice will be. My justice has been to create an independent, fulfilling life, build the career I've always dreamed of, ensure the success of my kids. Couldn't do that with him. I know it's justice because he can't stand it. That's why he's going to be tried for felony stalking. He thought he could prevent me from moving on. Now he might go to prison for trying. If not, his efforts have cost him thousands of dollars in legal fees and have proven unsuccessful. He still lives in his tiny apartment with little money. I live in a 4 bedroom house and bought a new car a couple years ago. I have a fiance that treats me like gold, along with his family. He has one that is awaiting the results of the trial before making wedding plans, and her family despises him. My career has boomed. He will lose his if convicted, and might even if he is not. I have friends in a social circle I'm comfortable and at ease with. His friends are all church friends because he has to keep up a front. I take classes when I want to, go out when I want to, leave the dishes for tomorrow if I want to, eat what I want to, go out to eat when I want to, pay bills that I want to, make appointments when I want to, see who I want to, have friends with who I want to, live the way I want to. Because I don't have to keep up a front. I can just be me now. All of this, uc, this is justice. I don't have to do anything but pursue my dreams, and in doing so, watch him destroy his life because of it. Do I want him to do that? For the most part no. But because he is, I do, on a rather sick or vengeful note, find the reward of justice.

September 28, 2003
4:00 pm
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unhappy camper
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As they say, living well is the best revenge. A simple truth.

That's the plan then...for you and I and others here. They can take their place in history and fade from our memories.

September 29, 2003
12:52 am
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Oh, how I wish he would fade from my memory! I wish i wish i wish....

September 29, 2003
10:40 pm
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jenni from the block
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Dear Free and Uc, I hope you don't feel that i am intruding on your post.. I find myself returning to read your posts because I can relate so well to what both of you are saying..I have been trying for the longest time to free myself from my relationship. My parnter is an addict, and I just can't help him anymore, but I have tried. Oh man, have I tried. I have just been through the ugliest of scenes tonight with my partner, and I am just feeling dead inside. He is back on crack and just came home demanding money from me to go and gamble. (He already blew $200 tonight). We sold our vehicle a few days ago ($3000) and he has spent almost every last cent on crack and gambling. I just gave him our last $100 out of fear. I do not fear him physically, that is the funny thing, but I just cant seem to take a stand with him, I can't say no to him because of this debilitating fear I have. Fear of what??? I don't know. I am addicted to him, just like he is addicted to crack and I don't know how to live without him. I feel such anger and rage towards him, yet I am terrifed to ask him to leave. He managed to blame me tonight...Apparently I "overreacted" and after all, "it was HIS truck that we sold"...(he forgot to mention, all the payments I made on it, all the times I paid to register it, the fact that I pay all the household bills, and all the times I paid off his dealers in fear that they would come to our home). I am so angry and sad right now, I can barely breathe. I just needed to vent this, as it is my only outlet. Thanks for the space. Free, it is a relief to know that someone that has been through this kind of relationship hell, has made it out in one piece. Please keep telling your story, it's inspiring. Uc, hang in there. We can do this. Right now, I just don't know if I'm going to make it. The nights are the hardest..

September 30, 2003
12:20 am
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Molly
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Oh baby baby, its been a whole 9 months this time.... Life goes on when WE let it. I miss his sorry ass, but there is so much that I don't . You will get there if you let your self.... Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. GD, I am free, and you can be too, just cut it loose... yea there were good times, but why did you leave, remember that, and remember the freedom that you have, and take count. How can you possibly know nirvana if you don't know hell?
It will pass, been there done that. Live, love and be.

September 30, 2003
1:18 am
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Oh, jenni, I am so sorry. Sometimes the following helps. Make a list, 2 columns, and one column is "why I shaould stay", another column is "why I should leave". Then make another list. One column is "what I love about him." The other is "what I detest about him." And one more list. One column is "what he does for me." And the other is "What I do for him." If you get a chance to try this, let me know what you think. It can be such an eye-opener and lead to a great deal of deep thought and discovery.

Saying no is scary. It's the unkown.If you refuse to enable his behavior, will he leave you for someone who will? And if that happens, what will you do, what will you think, and what will you feel?

(((jenni)))

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