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I'm so disillusioned
April 4, 2007
12:58 am
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OK, my H just accused me of being "all whipped up" because I was upset with him. I guess he means I am drunk and have no basis for being upset.

It was after 9:00 pm when he came home.

He told me about 10 minutes before he was to walk out the door that after his sauna and exercise regime he was going to attend a meeting about some property he is interested in buying. That's all fine, except the mmeting was at 7:00 and he shows up at home at 9:00. He left around 4:00. He's been short of work due to weather and has been home alot. His routine has been to sauna, then go to a yoga practice, which is totally cool with me. I have some health issues -- the yoga practices send me into sweating, which triggers mega hot flashes, due to my meds (FROM BREAST CANCER TREATMENT) -- or I would join him in these things.

There are so many issues. Nothing ever seems to get resolved.

He actually abstains from alcohol for all of Lent (six weeks). That is coming to an end on Sunday. I HATE thinking about how Sunday will go. I've told him that. And the inevitable happens...... By the time we sit down to a holiday dinner he is "in his cups" and he either says a bunch of stupid stuff or he just makes a piggish mess with obnoxious over-flowing gestures, ending the evening by disappearing into the upstairs bedroom to sleep while I am still dealing with our guests.

It's just that we are dealing with so many unresolved issues and have ALWAYS seemed to deal with the same issues ... in my mind.

I tackled my biggest bone of contention tonight (after getting "all whipped up", remember?). I said, I don't understand why you always "run away" and never want to repair the things that we need done around the house (he did 2 things in these sober 6 weeks -- replaced the one faucet, and ........I cannot remember the other.....)

Tonight I just didn't care. I said shit...I said you always are nice to other people, you don't even notice me, you treat me like yesterday's news, why are we living like this, like roommates, after 35 yrs of marriage, why, why, why?

Honest to god, he changed the subject and started to tell me about what the meeting was about.

I got irate. I said you cannot change the subject, you have to deal with what is going on, you can't pretend this behavior doesn't exist, why can't we have a decent relationship, what is wrong, what's happened to us, it shouldn't be like this, if it's this awful we should just separate and try to have separate lives because that's what we are livng now and you don't frickin' care about what I say or do so what's the difference???

I am so tired.

I have to take these meds because of the cancer....the labels say "will make you dizzy ... drowsy, etc.". I feel like crap most of the time. I try to get stuff done. I am just getting so discouraged. I KNOW and FEEL how critical our financial situation is, but the stress of that (OMG it IS a family business and last yr my sons were calling me and telling me how broke we were and how their DAD had just spent ALL the money and NOW they were upset...and telling ME!!!) I ended up in the hospital overnight with my built-up blood pressure problems.

I am 58 yrs old. Who the hell is going to hire me at any decent wage for all the "experience" I have? I'm old and nobody cares about my "talents". I didn't use them enough when I was young, and now they are not of interest....

I am really discouraged. I don't have enough "awake" time or "energy" time to feel like I can hold down a decent job....and I'm afraid....

in his own defense, my husband said tonight, "There's no money". He doesn't know how to make any more. Apparently, he "protects" me in not telling me just how bad it really is...or I'm not acknowledging it!! He just doesn't seem to have any answers. I know, if I wasn't such a loser/putz and could find a job I could handle, we wouldn't be in such a state.

He had this little malignant tumor removed from his eyelid a year ago. And he is physically really fit! He hauls ass with guys in their 20's. I feel like such a loser. I used to feel so confidant, but I just don't HAVE it anymore.

It's like I'm waiting to die, like my life is over .... only I'm still here.

We are going to be grandparents for our first time shortly. It's exciting for us, except they are not married and really do not love each other and are separating. We are trying to be strong for them and understand and HOPE, but I don't understand how our beloved son, who is such a good person down to his soul, is having to go through this. I HATE to see all of us suffer the grief we have had in the last few years (ANOTHER LONG STORY).

Yeah, I feel so incredibly sad. I went back on anti-depressants because I was waking up crying....that's WAY better now, but I am feeling so tired of trying......

even though he SAYS he understands, I don't feel my husband cares about me. I think he'd be just as happy being a widower and looking for a new wife. Serious.

And I cannot TELL you how good it was between us for SO MANY years!!!!! We were SO in love forEVER and I thought it would NEVER END....I had a cinderella story....for decades....and then suddenly, it went bad. The only thing we seem to keep holding on to is this bizarre "hope" that IT will come back....and it's not going to...we're going to lose our health insurance, become a burden to our kids, lose our self-respect and dignity (that may have already happened).

Last week my husband said something about a woman he'd talked to after his yoga practice .... and he prefaced it with "there's no reason for you to be jealous about her, but..."

I HATE IT!!!! He doesn't GET that I'm not JEALOUS as much as HURT that he SHARES with others more than with me. At our age now, after all we've gone through together, he is USING me. I'm COMFORTABLE for him. It's more convenient to STAY with me than to go for something happier ... I swear, I think he does not love me, but is being dutiful....

oh ISH.

That's my true story. I am SO NOT proud of it. People used to tell me how much our relationship was an example to them.....I never dreamed it could sour. It hurts so much.

April 4, 2007
7:47 am
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Wow. Went to bed, slept all night. Not one response.

April 4, 2007
8:48 am
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Brynnie, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now dealing with cancer, financial problems, family problems, and relationship problems. It is overwhelming and anyone would feel discouraged at this point, but you can't give up on yourself or your family.

Are there any support groups in your area where you could share and feel comfortable? You don't need to be alone in dealing with these issues and it sounds like you feel very alone.

I wish I knew what to say or how to help, but I did want to acknowledge your thread and let you know I had read. You are not old and there is a lot of life left to live. Maybe you can find a way to do some things that will make you feel better. Have you asked the doctor about the side effects from your medication? Maybe there is something that would counteract the dizziness.

Hang in there and please know people do care.

Love, TS

April 4, 2007
9:28 am
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(((Brynnie)))

I'm sending you positive thoughts and energy this morning. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

Bevdee

April 4, 2007
11:10 am
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Byrnie, I am sorry you are going through so much crap. I can relate in alot of ways, I am having pretty similar things going on.

I have been off work with a back problem. Now just had surgery three weeks ago, and I am pretty much in bed all the time. It will be a long recovery.

I have felt like when I've needed my h the most, he isn't here. Yeah he has helped around the house,but neglects me emotionally and will not help me or think of my needs. Even in the beginning when I couldn't dress or shower myself.

But he could be at a bar, and not see a problem with all of this.

I know that financial matters cause extreme stress and it sounds like that is a common denominator. I like you want to talk, and I get shut out, tuned out or ignored, or it turns into an arguement. Even though things are tough financially I don't know why that has to ruin a marriage. Its more like the way he reacts to problems is ruining our marriage, not that I am faultless cause I am not.

You are going through much with the cancer and everything...and it sounds like you are loosing hope. You can't do that, you have to find some support groups. You have a grandbaby on the way, hey that is so cool!! Think of the joy that is going to be in your life.

My h refuses to communicate with me and try to find solutions to problems to, if I try to talk to him, it ends up in a fight. He tells me that I read to many books and I am trying to be pscyological with him. He is stupid. We to are just like roomates, he never even looks at me like I am a woman, and it has been that way for years. Its sad. I am not happy in a loveless marriage. He says he loves me. But there are no loving gestures, affection sex anyting. And I know that I am attractive. And when I say never, I mean NEVER any of the good stuff that is usually in a relationship.

Also going through this surgery alone emotionally has really been a kick in the gut. I can't believe how he's treated me and it has hurt me deeply. It makes me realize alot.

Do you think your h is cheating? and can I ask why you think he is using you, are you the source of income?

I am sorry for rambling so much, its just we do have alot in common. I know in my case, I talk to alot of others with spine problems and it does help in alot of ways because they really understand. But none of them have gone through the way my h acts.

How long have you been on the anti depressant, I started cymbalta in dec and it has helped alot. I really was just wanting to lay down and die, but couldn't cause I have kids. I do feel better but the marriage has really brought me down.

We dont' need all this crap when we are trying to heal.

I am going to find a post from along time ago..to show you I hope I can find it.

hopeful

April 4, 2007
11:19 am
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Although this is a Copyright of Fibrohugs.com we grant permission for anyone to use this at any time as long as the following "Copyright of http://www.fibrohugs.com Written by Ronald J. Waller" is fully visible.
A Letter To "Fibromites"

A lot of times we as family members, friends, and loved ones are supposed to understand, accept and be sympathetic to someone who has an illness..... and I agree with this statement, but only when we are given information, understanding and support ourselves.

Fibro does not just affect the person who has it.... fibro affects the whole family..... it steals away all of our lives. I have watched, broken hearted, as Ken has packed away his dreams and hopes for the future.... but along with those dreams and hopes were mine also. Just as you have come to realize that your life has changed forever so must we....... and we have to be allowed to morn that loss also.

We become angry and depressed just as you do...... we struggle with KNOWING that you are sick, to being angry that you are sick....... not at you but at the illness. Then we become angry at ourselves for feeling selfish and thinking of ourselves.... thinking of the added stress on our lives... the added responsibility.... the added guilt.

We have gone from a 50% partnership in this marriage, this family, this life, to sometimes feeling like I'm carrying the whole weight of it alone. I have to remember that my spouse is sick..... that the illness has taken that away and sometimes I'm lonely, scared, and extremely sad at the loss of what was....... but I also know in my heart that I love my husband more than life itself and TOGETHER we will find our way.

You have to talk to us.... you have to let us know how you're feeling, what you're feeling, and how it's affecting your day........ your life. If you don't talk to us we will never understand how you are feeling and we will assume that everything is as it should be.... thus expect from you what we have always expected.

I need to be able to say it's "okay" when your angry and hurting........ but it has to be "okay" when I am also. We both have to stop and look at what's going on in our lives at the time....... just as you get angry and lash out sometimes...... so do we.

So will we really ever understand what you're going through? ......No! Will you ever really understand what we are going through? ......No! But if each of us gives each other the time, love, and patience to find our own way in dealing with and accepting what fibro has taken from us, I think our relationships may be a lot better.

I hope with your challenge that you wanted to hear the truth...... and that is what I offer in this.... how we feel as Spouses.

April 4, 2007
6:49 pm
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((((((((((((Brynnie)))))))))))))

Any advice I could give wouldn't be very helpful since I lack the life experience- I'm not married and never have been, and I can't even imagine the bravery you must have to summon to face your illness. You are coping with dealing with something so huge (cancer), relationship issues, finances and all related stuff. You are not a "loser" as you put it. You may be tired, but not a loser- quite the opposite. I don't know what you do each day, but I imagine with all you deal with that you are a hero, not a loser.

You know what they say about anyone being able to handle the big things in life, but it takes real strength to deal with the little things? (anyone know that quote?). Well, I don't know, what if you are dealing with both at the same time? Allow yourself to be human. Allow yourself to be tired, angry, jealous. You're not awful for feeling those things. Don't compare yourself to you in a former life when you weren't facing those challenges, you are not being fair to you. And maybe, since you do have a marraige that was a loving one for so long- you will both get through this. It's amazing what stress will do to people. But maybe, you are both more resillient as a couple than you know. Meanwhile, I understand you feel alienated. And alone. I wish I could comfort you, and because I am rather inept at this at times, I want to keep this thread current because I know there are so many people here who can respond more eloquently if they see your post. There are some here who have dealt with the very same issues you are posting about.

Please be patient with us, because we care. I know how much it sucks when you are in crisis and your thread gets no response. People tend to answer threads they have already posted on. If you feel you are being overlooked, bump up your thread, or cut and paste the body of it under a new title with a more urgent phrasing. I will look for you.

many hugs and blessings,
ella

April 5, 2007
1:47 am
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bump

April 5, 2007
6:09 pm
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Brynnie,

I'm sorry I haven't been around much...and don't normally, read alot of posts....I'm just glad I happened to read this, I don't want you to feel alone...the word "disillusioned" kind of hit home.

You were so open and honest with your post...It really made me stop and think...

I'm so sorry you are going through all this right now...please don't be hard on your self...

Others here care...

(((Brynnie))))

April 6, 2007
1:23 am
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brynnie,

How are you holding up?

Thinking of you,
-ella

April 6, 2007
10:17 pm
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I appreciate the responses. Thank you each one.

I don't know what to say. This was a pretty accurate description of how I feel when I give in to all my negative thoughts.

I self-talk to present a positive face to others most of the time. When you really feel like bawling half the time, it's not always easy to hide it. I OFTEN feel like I'm going to embarrass myself in front of others by saying HOW BAD I feel at times. But, you know what? I don't. So....maybe I'm stronger than I feel.

I am cancer-free. I didn't mean to mislead anyone. I went through the surgery and chemo and radiation, and I am considered cancer-free now. But I have to take an estrogen-blocker, which causes a lot of hot flashes. You can really feel how artificial the forced hot flashes are....it's like that pulling sensation a nursing mother gets when the baby cries and her body responds physically. It's pretty unpleasant at my age however. It sometimes makes me nauseous. Actually at this point I'm sort of used to it! And I think they will take me off this med by the end of this year and then the flashing should stop. I know I will feel a lot of relief if/when that happens. However, there is an uneasy fear that the cancer could return or reoccur once I'm no longer protected by that medication.

I also have one arm that is larger than normal due to lymphodema as a lot of lymph nodes had to be removed, and the arm retains lymphatic fluid! Permanent condition... I often wear an elastic sleeve, which keeps it under control. It's not very noticeable with long sleeves, and it doesn't hurt.

I often feel like the more explaining I try to do, the more I just raise more questions.

I feel "altered". We laugh about it and call it "chemo brain". But I sincerely lost some "synapses"....memory, focus, concentration. I'm more easily frustrated, irritable, and sometimes I'm just confused...like I missed the point. I want to blame the other person for not being clear, but I'm not so sure it isn't me that just can't understand.

Everything just keeps feeding into this downward spiral. Ever since I began reading what people "confess" about themselves on this site, I realize how much it is about ATTITUDE, about how we see ourselves, and about the choices we make as a result of that self-concept.

I mean, you can sort of "fake" it. You can put on a happy face, or go clean your house till it shines, or whatever gets you kudos from other people.....but we each one of us have to take down all the facades and be honest with ourselves in order to grow/change and genuinely feel joy.

My husband fascinates me. He's a simple guy. Well, I don't mean he's a simpleton, but....he just doesn't spend alot of time thinking about others. He thinks about his own stuff. He tends to others' needs in a loving interested generous way MOST of the time, but it's still about his own needs. It gets, well, UNPLEASANT for him if I get too needy.

People who are fairly self-centered seem to have a better time of it, you know?

He listens to talk radio. He enjoys talking politics and the male version of gossip. He remembers the plots of movies, where he saw it and with whom. He doesn't read. I'm not saying he doesn't think....he's really quick at grasping concepts....but I've actually heard him sort of "take" something I've said to him (something I've thought through on my own, actually) and he will alter it and repeat it to someone else as HIS own idea.

My niece was very funny today. Her husband told people they were moving here because they had "family" here. And it's HER family! That's how my husband views it too! His parents and only sibling have passed away, so now MY family is HIS and he goes off to visit them sometimes (without me) and I want to point out that it's MY family. I know it's really a compliment that they like each other so much. My niece said our sons stop by their house sometimes and have a beer with her husband out in their garage, and she can hear them laughing and then when she opens the garage door to come join them they sort of stop laughing....so she decides to go on back inside, and closes the door. And then pretty soon, she can hear them out there laughing together again. She said she feels like she could make it stop and start by opening and closing that door....kind of like you see in a cartoon sometimes.

My point is about how sick it is of me to see this stuff as "theft" of my originality or my loved ones....I have to realize that my ATTITUDE is what is killing my joy....

I see the glass as half-empty. That's my truth. I fight it. I deny it. But it's truly how I think. I find myself not wanting to look forward to stuff or "expecting" something neat because I'll only be disappointed in the end.

The marriage counselor we saw a few times told me that statistically I really should consider myself as "cured" of cancer, no more at risk now than I was before I was diagnosed. I guess she must have been trying to tell me I needn't be afraid that the cancer was inevitably going to come back and "get" me. Of course I wondered why she was saying that to me and that I wasn't feeling those feelings (Denial? Was it that obvious?)

MY TRUTH, yet again, is that I AM going to die...as is everyone. It's just that I'm acutely aware of it and it seems to have me frozen in life. Like I'm just waiting. It feeds a "why try" attitude. I know a thousand tricks to keep it at bay. I want my truth to be about living life to its fullest and sliding into home base at the end. But underneath it all, it's my thought process that I have to change.

So here is my ancient wisdom: it is a conscious decision to be happy. It's every time one makes a choice, every day, every hour.

April 6, 2007
10:33 pm
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(((Brynnie))) Oh, sweetie...I am so very sorry I missed your thread. I've just been checked out since my dad died. I am so glad you got all of that out of your system the other day, and then went to sleep. And I'm glad that you've come to so many conclusions...the most important of which is that happiness is your choice. You've helped me remember that today, because I'm having a hard day. I know that you are feeling alone, and somewhat abandoned by the man who you've spent so much of your life with...and that's not fair. But I've learned a little in the 2 years I've been divorced, and that is that I choose my happiness, and I am the only one who can make it happen. Some days it is VERY hard, but if I want it I have to make it happen.

How are you feeling today?

April 7, 2007
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Hi Brynnie,
I think it is so brave of you to admit your feelings here in such an honest manner. You are so right, it is really about attitude.

I don't really have advice to give, I can only share my own struggle, which ridiculously enough, I feel guilty about doing! Most of it is with my own self concept, self esteem, all that. Lately I realize how poorly I treat myself and the things I tell myself. I walk around feeling so guilty and ashamed of my confusion. I drive myself crazy, its bad.

It almost seems being codependent is just a major form of being stuck and not true to ourselves. I think its is great you are acknowledging your feelings and getting them out. The action part will come in time.

35 years of marriage is a long time, and I can imagine it must be really difficult to work through things and really resolve problems together. You mentioned always talking about the same stuff but nothing really being accomplished. I feel I do the same in my relationship. I find that as uncomfortable and unhappy as I am with that tennis match going on in my head, it is what I am so used to.

You mentioned that you want your husband to share more with you. Maybe there are activities you two can plan together to bring yourselves back together more. In every day life it is tough to stay close with your partner. We are surrounded by so many other people all day long. This has led me to the conclusion that one day when I get married, I know it will be a priority to try to stay connected to my partner as much as possible.

It sounds like you have so much going on, you have kids, work, you are gonna have a grandchild soon, congrats btw... its a lot of stuff. Keep posting and I hope this helped you!
balance

April 7, 2007
2:27 pm
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I understand the postive thing, showing it on the outside, but having to feel it on the inside. Sometimes easier than others.

I think it would be a fear of anyone who's had cancer to think of it coming back, I actually just saw a support group on tv of a breast cancer survivors group.

My mother in law had breast cancer, and she to has the sleeve you talk of, so i have an Idea. Her arms retains fluid, and swells, especially if she uses it alot.

I do think it is great that your husband considers your family as his. That is awesome, but I can see your feeling left out.

I don't have anyw ords of wisdom, but I appreicate reading your post.

April 7, 2007
2:48 pm
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(((((Brynnie)))))

I´m glad I learned of this thread of yours. It´s been some rough time for you, I feel it in your writing. I´m really sorry it´s been difficullt. Hopefully all your wisdom is helping you and a lot of insight is happening there. You are pretty understanding about others not quite meeting your expectations. Your fear of sickness and death are so real. Of course, people out there are more concerned with thei daily challenges, so you dont lose much by not sharing your story and tears with them. What I liked most to hear is that youre aware that living is a constant choice. That´s a hard fact to come to grips with. I hope you keep doing so well, and better! Hugs!

April 7, 2007
4:41 pm
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Hi. I just read and re-read these posts and today they all make me cry. It's because last week when my oldest sister was here visiting, I tried to describe to her what it was like after our mother died. I was 17, and the only one left at home with our Dad.

He cried every day. We'd come home and put some yukko supper together, sit down at the table, and he would say grace. And start to cry. And I would start to cry too. And then neither of us felt like eating.

Mother had a mastectomy when I was 13. She taught right up until she got sick again. I remember just not understanding why she didn't care anymore in the hospital.

My sister-in-law died last yr due to kidney cancer. She was told she had a few weeks to live, but she fought hard to stay with us and it took 14 months.

I'm NOT like them at all!! My first reaction was OMG I've got my mother's cancer and I was sort of in shock for a while....I'm not "battling" at all....I'm whining and complaining. I've gotten very "sharp-edged". I have not felt like myself since I went through this and have had to be on the meds. But I guess maybe that IS the battle...trying to retain/regain what I liked about myself BEFORE.

You should see the bottome shelf of my refrigerator. It makes me very dizzy to pop my head down to see what's there, so it never gets cleaned.

My husband's mother was in a wheelchair his whole life. He was 19 when she died. He has always sort of ignored me when I've gotten the flu or something. I always thought his reactions had to do with his mum. The few times he's been sick himself he just HATES it. He cannot stand feeling less than whole and healthy. I guess I've always understood that, and in fact we've talked about it and he seems to try hard now to be thoughtful. He says he probably would have been diagnosed as ADHD or ADD as a kid if they'd had that "knowledge" then. He cannot remember very much about his childhood. He remembers things like looking out the window and wishing he was OUT THERE playing. I guess that kind of says it all. He remembers going to the principal's office alot!! When he encounters emotional stuff that he feels inadequate to handle, he avoids it however he can. He is aware of it now, and works to change those behaviors. He can be curt, and cold, but he never loses his temper or gets physical.

Years ago, he got a pair of boots he just loved. He wore them all the time, polished them (lovingly!), spent an inordinate amount of time talking about them and just plain loving them.....and then one day I found them covered with mud, so I cleaned them up and polished them for him, thinking he'd be pleased. And he said something like "Oh those are just old boots but thanks" and I was totally dumbfounded. Just like that!! He had cherished them, and then abruptly lost all interest in them.

Since then I've watched him love, and leave, a lot of things....new vehicles, new sport or hobby, new jacket....I think it has to be a variety of obsessive/compulsive something. Anyway, it feels uncomfortably like I might have been treated like that -- at least the thought has crossed my mind!!

This is going to sound odd, but I think what I liked about him was his spontaneity (ADD) and his irrepressible disregard for what others thought. Mine was a pretty reputation-conscious small town upbringing, but I'd found my wilder side before I met him. We always had a good time. I think it was me griping and harping about responsibility....I was afraid sometimes and wanted him to plan ahead or save money...I was always dragging my feet and he was always coaxing me to come and "play". Sometimes there was a balance, but we made poor decisions or NO decisions too.

He said once he thought we had too much "history" together to have good communication anymore. I think he meant we knew each other too well....so the basics were always going to remain the same...neither changing....no surprises, no lies believed...I'm not sure, but the statement really hit me as sort of "hopeless".

I have to get ready for Easter tomorrow. I like the resurrection and re-birth concepts, but I can even find something negative about Christ abandoning everyone and going off to Heaven.

April 7, 2007
7:27 pm
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hopeful for change
Thankyou for the letter from fibrohugs, i like the other letter from there as well and have posted a few poems on their one to do with how i feel/felt with my fibro.

I have a friend online who should read that letter, shes a carer so she will relate to it, i know its so hard for her. so i will send her both the letters for her to read.
so again thankyou

white dove

April 10, 2007
1:02 am
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Wow. This thread seems doomed to oblivion unless I keep posting, and the truth is I really really need people to respond to it.

I've had a lot of stuff happen recently.

The fact that my H and I are expecting our first grandchild is still real. The weird part is I HAVE NO IDEA IF WE WILL GET TO BE A PART IN IT OR NOT.

We are getting our informatiion as much as they are willing to tell us or as much as they seem to know themselves. The info keeps changing. Last we knew she had scheduled an induced labor for the 17th of April. And then we learned that she had found an apartment and was going to move out of his house the 16th. Which sounds ridiculous.

Now the NEW news is that she may be reconsidering the induced labor date (our original due date news was the 7th of May).

It is all a frickin mystery. I never dreamed our first grandchild would come like this. It is so bizarre. Our son is 32. He was married and divorced in his early 20's. This was SO an accidental pregnancy. He has tried to be a stand-up guy and father and he offered for her to live with him until the baby came, but it has become obvious that they will not be a compatible couple....it's so sad. They just were never in love...they ARE not in love... the pregnancy was an accident...and they should DEFinitely NOT GET MARRIED JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE HAVING A CHILD TOGETHER.

So........in a few weeks a precious little baby girl is going to grace our lives.

I don't know if we will get to be a part of her life.

This woman is so young. At 24, she has already had two children, by two different fathers. The first was was by a childhood romance, but the second was by what she said was a "freak" one-night stand.

I kind of understand how that could happen to a very young woman with little parental guidance ( her story is really sad -- bad bad mother and just no direction). HOW OUR SON GOT INVOLVED WITH HER IS THE saddest statement...he just came to that point from a sequence of sad events in his own life. It should not have happened....but it did.

This young woman does not believe in abortion. which I respect.

It's just that, this is now her THIRD child born of ..... awkward.... circumstances.

It isn't, at this point, anything my husband and I or his brother and his wife are needing to "pass judgement" UPON. We are all trying very hard to be accepting and loving in what ever they are choosing to do, which seems to be to as gracefully as possible, to have this child without getting married. They really do not seem to even LIKE each other at this point, but seem to be trying to be mature about it.

This is going to sound stupid, but I swear...I think this is the strongest support system (What we've been doing!) that SHE has ever experienced. It sounds like the "other" fathers' families are respectably supportive (they take the children every weekend/or alternate...don't know...it's confusing...we just don't know).

It feels so screwed up. We already know that the baby is a girl. Her two other children are also girls.

So.....at this point we assume that our contact with our granddaughter will probably involve the child's two older sisters. We truly like them (They are just little innocent children, ages 2 and 5), BUT IT JUST IS SO STRANGE...

Yesterday, EASTER, I/we thought that our son was coming for Easter dinner by himself. We'd learned that SHE was moving out of his house (Actually, we leaqrned that he was not going home, and this is HIS HOUSE). That SHE would be moved out before the baby was to be born...and then, at the last minute...he phones and asks if it it would be OK if he brings her two girls WITH for our Easter dinner.....Of course! we said YES...but she did not come herself (we had left the invitation option up to our son). Just that we were not expecting the switch in events and trying.....

This morning, my H stopped by our son's house...and learned that maybe they are re-considering the date for the induced labor...(I want to yell at this point make up your mind, but...) I realize our son is just trying to accommodate her stressed-out needs and wants to do what is right. We are all feeling that way.

Her girls were pretty naughty yesterday (for Easter at our house). It was difficult. I understand that they are probably reacting to stress. I think "separating" is probably a GOOD thing for all concerned at this point. Trying to beocome a "family" when they were not really in love had to be just wishful thinking.

I am so anxious. I want so much for them to be able to work out a good solution. But it seems so statisical. A young girl with TWO children and now THREE by three different fathers...oh, dear, how does there ever come a RIGHT solution for her (OR HIM, OR least of all, US). I discovered yesterday, trying to deliver our Easter dinner in a timely fashion, that I am ill-equipped for this.

I don't LIKE her oldest child...she was recently diagnosed with ADD at 5. I researched and bought a bunch of info (gave it to her mother) about ADHD and ADD. I'm not sure, but I don't think too much of my "help" was used. It would have required some effort (reading)....and there does not seem to be that motivation....

So........the prospect of our grandbaby's future includes this older sister...this little one is very belligerant and needy. She seems to like us (HELLO, we are attentive to her), but she has some some serious behavior problems.

Positive thoughts are what I want to maintain....but I am so vulnerable to negatives right now due to my own anxieties. I would really like to BE/at least come across as ... a stable grandparent image.

So...that's today's update.

April 10, 2007
1:03 am
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Feelings?

I am so tired, so tired, of feeling bad.

April 10, 2007
1:21 am
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Hi. Sounds like your marriage is utilitarian. No warm tender emotions. You definitly have convinced me that you and your husband have issues. Like he is married but living his own life. You say you are seriously sick. You need to make your own decisions now in the event you cant for one reason or the other in the future. I would not leave an uncaring person in charge of me if I were to be ill. Might want to speak to someone who you trust who will treat you the way you want to be treated. Have to surround yourself with supportive people. I am sorry to hear about your health and I pray that you will get your cancer into remission soon. Get your rest and think about things that make you happy. Concentrate on what makes you feel physically more comfortable. I hope you can take some medication that will help you deal with the awful side affects of the meds you are on now. Take care of yourself first that is the most important thing.

April 10, 2007
2:02 am
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Sorry, Destiny, but I think you have mis-read. My H IS attentive and tries. I am considered healed, not ill. As I said, my problems seem to be in my own inability to see things in a positive light. I appreciate your input, but as I said before, sometimes explaining begets more need to explain further...

tooscared, you offered solutions and I appreciate that...but support groups are not my answer right now...we've been in counseling...I'm not saying it's unsolveable, but I do not believe we tend to be a typical couple......

Bevdee. I love your "positive energy". Thank you so much.

And Hopeful.....I'm so sorry that we have these negatives in common. NOT WHAT I want to share with you!!! My H, some 4 yrs ago, went through an horrifically painful back thing. Within 3 months he was reduced to lying in bed in a foetal position! True to form, he self-medicated on top of the pain pills and ended up in the hosp., where he got a "spinal block" to aid the pain. Finally, they operated...and an hour after the surgery, he was pain-free and walking around. Woo hoo. Crazy story, but true.

What I learned was ..... sometimes drs want to wait to see if the body will "correct" the problem on its own without surgery. Apparently, sometimes that happens. To me, it sounded just sick that a person is left to deal with that kind of pain....indefinitely.

I am glad that you are healing well, albeit slowly. Please know I can understand a little from having watched my H go through the pain and empathizing.

I need to address more responses, but I want to be properly attentive...Hopeful, I identify with the alcoholic behavior of your H. But it is not always so horrid with my H. Yesterday he managed to sabotage another Holiday dinner by taking control when he was not totally sober. However, as tired as I was, I was grateful for him doing as much as he DID!!! I was crabby and oh so tired by the time we ate I could have eaten small children and his magnanimous (alcoholic) benevolence probably saved the day....sounds screwed up, but....it was a pleasant experience for everyone ELSE, so I guess a successful day. Who is to judge what is RIGHT, you know???

mzrrlla, balnce, ready, and any others....more replies to come. Thank you SO MU"CH for talking to me!

April 12, 2007
11:45 am
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mzrrlla,

I see you've left a thread with my name on it. That is the first time anyone has ever done that -- thank you for that caring.

I have been working on some things in anticipation of the baby -- I've collected and organized a pretty extensive geneology for our sons so they know where they come from. We can name ancestors back to the early 1500's, which is mind-boggling -- those people were living in feudal castles!! I've also made a bunting. Which a newborn will nearly drown in and will probably FIT when temps are in the 90's....

I so appreciate the things you wrote about being patient with myself and I am not a loser.

I have days where I do not get anything at all done. I've gotten to be such a recluse. I am trying to hide how depressed I feel from the rest of my family and friends. I began taking (about a month ago) the anti-depressant that I had had prescribed last summer. It really has helped quite a bit, but contributes much more to the constant fatigue.

I just can't think straight. I know if I had a good-paying job we'd be OK, but we've been strangling financially for a yr and a half and I can't seem to lift a finger to stave off disaster. I still have not submitted an application anywhere. My teaching license is expired and the effort to renew it seems insurmountable. It would have to be something other .... and I do not feel "sharp" enough to handle stuff. My memory goes blank, I struggle for words (hard to believe), and I have a skin-crawling anxiety sometimes.

It is hard to stay focused, to make a schedule or a plan and stick with it. I am easily distracted, and I want to retreat into sleep, or reading (or TV, which I've always seen as a total loser thing to do).

This feeling of having "lost control" is so pervasive.....the energy I used to have to "correct" the things that go wrong is just not there. So often I just don't care anymore. Like nothing's ever gone the way I'd hoped anyway. Does talking about it make it go away?

#1. NOBODY wants to hear this kind of talk. If I say this stuff, I get pep talks, or irritation....

I know it all lies in my attitude. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me it must be because I do not WANT to change it. So that must mean that I GET something out of being a miserable letch. ISH.

April 12, 2007
12:02 pm
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armyleo,

Reading your post makes me cry. Because of all the posts you wrote when you said you just couldn't handle what you were thinking and you were feeling like you were shutting down. I hurt for you then so much, because that must be how we all feel when things are too overwhelming and we can't seem to see a way out.

I was NEVER lazy, or useless, or ANY of the things I seem to be now.....I'm always wanting to take a nap, find my false bravado, escape somehow.

Then, miraculously, I have a good day.

The part I don't understand is that they used to be ALL good days.

The embarrasment I would feel if people knew how I felt so often is often enough to motivate me to try again. To go after a new day. To look for Jig's rainbow.

Don't ever listen to people who say you shouldn't care what other people think....I swear it's one thing that digs me out and up and brings back some pride and wanting to stand on my own two feet. Shame is a tremendous motivator.

April 12, 2007
12:52 pm
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ready,

I KNOW what you say about making stuff happen yourelf is the answer and how hard it is is very very true....

your ability to stand proud and strong now is awesome.

I've mentioned this before, but still have feelings about it....nearly 20 yrs ago, my H slept with a friend of his since childhood. She was BOTH of our friend. We always stayed with her on those trips, but I couldn't go along that time. He stayed there anyway. I trusted them completely. They drank too much, and had sex, not just once that night....

when he came home from that weekend he told me that they had been drinking and he'd made a pass at her but she'd refused. Nothing ever happened again. We've not seen her all these yrs.

I/he/WE lived with that lie until he sort of accidentally told me the truth around the time I was going through cancer treatment.

She was a single mother when they did that and had been divorced for yrs already. After her kids were grown, she became involved with and moved in with, and still lives with, my H's best friend from childhood.

Last night he called my H. I always really liked him. But he's alcoholic and only calls when he is drunk. I turned the call over to my H right away. Afterward the call, my H (knowing how I feel about them both these days) sort of admitted that he doesn't much like him this way....and that's the only way we experience him anymore.

Last yr when we were in their city for a funeral, I insisted my H NOT contact them. And he understood and didn't contact. It has taken a while, but I think he gets it now.....how in "protecting" me by not telling me then, he really damaged our relationship. He honestly didn't see WHY I was so hurt.....since it happened SO LONG ago and he's been faithful ever since. I'm not like a dog with a bone....I KNOW how long ago it was....but the lie I was given to live with was horrible to discover after all those years. There was no real apology on his part, not much remorse....he seemed to regret telling me at all.

One of our sons stayed with them on a trip once. She was so excited and loved having him there so much. When I remembered this, I felt deeply betrayed.....I even told my H I would NEVER have encouraged our son to look them up or stay with them if I had known ....

I felt so cheated on so many levels. I continued to have warm and happy phone conversations with her. How could she think she still had a right to my friendship?

It still makes me sick.

I'm not sure I would have left him. I don't know what I would have done. I know we love each other still. It's just that I always admired my H's character.....and that's just gone....what would be the point of trying to leave him now?

I know you are grieving the loss of your father. But aren't you also grieving the loss of your marriage?

We are supposed to heal after a length of time -- after a time of grieving. Apparently it is not that clear cut.

April 12, 2007
1:04 pm
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And dear balance, just your NAME lends focus to my ramblings. Thank you for validating so much of what Im babbling about and pointing out that my knowing what to "act" upon will come.

My H wants to babysit the 2yr old. She has charmed him. She cried when he left the other day. My H IS AN AWESOME dad. Little kids love him.

So maybe grandparenting together will be one of those things....

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