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I'm so depressed, in need of some positive feedback
September 8, 2002
2:06 am
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nattie
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Hi guys,
I just wanted to write to you cause you all have such good advice. I am so sad and frustrated right now and I'm at a loss on how to think positive and what to do.

Basically I lost my job because of my depression and calling out too much. Last year I had to sell my beautiful new home cause I was spending too much on partying and moved into this god forsaken buggy apt. I can't affored this place now, I had a roomate but she moved out cause I had a problem with drinking which I ended up going to rehab for in March. I was back at my job by June which I had for 5 years as a supervisor in a graphics design dept. but being that I get stressed and full of panic ...STILL.... that I called out too much and they let me go Wednesday.

I have shitty credit cause I've been late on my bills, I don't even have car insurance right now. I'm looking for a new apt. in the city, figured it would be a good change from being in the burbs so long and that way I can walk to whatever I need. Moving is such a drag. Not sure what I'm gonna do about a job now, I was making great money 60k a year and now nothing. I don't know where the money went!!! I made so many bad mistakes in my life and I sabatoge myself. I always have this thing when a problem arrises I ignore it and hope it will go away, I have to stop this. I'm so sick right now and so sad I feel like such a failure, I just can't get motivated cause I'm depressed. Nothing really interests me anymore and I'm so scared, I have to force myself out of bed. urughghgg. I even use to be in such good shape, loved to work out, now i smoke too much and put on 20 pds.

I can't even believe my bf is still with me, he worked with me and is in the middle of all this. How embarrasing. He is so positive, has a house, new car, motorcycles, rental properties, great job. I'm so embarrassed sometimes. I drank last night too just cause, it was no big deal but it felt so good and I could actually enjoy the night.

And today I broke my dads heart when I told him, he already is upset that I'm not married and have kids at my age and now this. AND MY 30TH B-DAY IS ON SATURDAY!!!!

Am I on a pitty pot??? I just have to get up and do it, IT'S HARD DAMNIT, Im scared, I'm frustrated, depressed, I feel like I'm being swallowed up by a black hole and I can't stop the momentum.
I actually haven't thought about suicide which is good I guess.

I need hugs and some TLC right now, I don't mind a little frankness either if it suits ya....please help.

September 8, 2002
4:20 am
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Jadedragon
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nattie, sounds like you have done alot of thinking on your own....? where does this depression come ffrom? What triggers it? baby steps, you will find a way out. You did before, you will again, but ignoring problems won't make them go away, Nail 'em while they are still small!!Other wise they GROW, and then its really out of control. Pack your stuff, grab the paper, and start looking, That's one small step, the rest will get easier, I have faith in you.

September 8, 2002
8:22 am
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Squeezles
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Hey Nattie...so you're not married and you don't have kids...does this bother you OR your dad? So your dad wants grandkids...does that mean that he wants you to marry ANYONE just so you can get them at the risk of making you unhappy because you rushed it and didn't make the right choice? How sensible does he think it is for you to have kids when you can't really afford it? Is he prepared to help you raise them? (Ha! Don't ask him that in case he says 'yes'!).

Sorry I dont' understand what 'calling out' means...you made lots of phonecalls? Well obviously whatever that is is bad, so when you get another job, don't do that again! Maybe you could join a recruitment agency? They take down skills and interests and match you to relevant employers etc.

Are you seeing anyone/taking anything for depression? Most counsellors will do a 'pay by income' rate for consult fees.

First thing seems to be find an apartment. Sit down and work out what you can afford and what your minimum criteria is (ie air conditioning/carport etc) then circle the ads that suit those criteria and visit them (preferably with a friend). My bf and I did this - visited about 60 properties in 2 days (didn't go inside all just ones we thought looked OK)...found a house and moved in a week or so later. It takes effort and I don't know what housing is like in the area you live in but hopefully you'll find something soon. Maybe sit down and create a budget - make sure rent is paid, you put aside $50 or something for utilities and you buy food (make sure you get things on special etc) and then use the rest for parties etc. Try working out how much you spend by writing down EVERYTHING you spend for a few months and then putting it in a spreadsheet - gives you an idea of areas you spend too much in and could cut down on eg entertainment, lunches out etc.

Maybe you could write down 'problems' in a notebook so you can't forget them. Refer to them often and devise a 'game plan' for how you are going to fix them. Don't know if that helps since I've never done it but it sounds kinda ingenious! :oP

Hmm can you really afford smokes now? Walk around the block - it's cheap and sometimes good for you! Or go hiking up some mountains. You feel great achieving something (getting to the top). Please don't go back to drinking! You were doing so great! You need to find another hobby other than drink! You sound like an intelligent, competent, capable women! I'm sure you can do many things better than you drown yourself in drink and you'll feel better for it!

I guess the biggest motivator for you is going to have to be improving your current life since you aren't happy with it right now.

And happy birthday!!

September 8, 2002
9:48 am
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syqg
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Nattie it's early in the morning. I'm half asleep k? Start over. Admitt yourself for this depression, pack up stuff put in storage. Can you stay with dad for 6 mths or so? Start over. On the debt thing......pay off things while at dads.........look for another job. You have got to want to change Nattie. Do you really want to change? Alot of people start over. You can too. There is nothing shameful for that. Get shame out of your vocabulary. It's gets us nowhere. STop running from your responsibilities, procrastinating, and feeling like nothing. That's a start. You sound like you are your own worst enemy. Why are you?

September 8, 2002
11:42 am
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gingerleigh
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Hi Nattie,

My heart goes out to you. It really does. The others have some great advice about getting back on your feet financially. It takes energy to do those things, so I'm going to play mom for a minute and see if I can help you figure out how to get some of that energy back.

I understand how good the drinking can feel, how it can numb your brain with all those yammering worries and make the world seem softer, brighter, better. You can find something to take the place of that so that you can feel good about yourself. The smoking and lack of exercise (and I'm also going to guess diet here) would suck the life out of anyone! *hug*

Can you cut down on the smoking, if not quit altogether? Cigs are very pricey now, in the state where I live, they just imposed a new sin tax on tobacco products, I think a can of chew is up to like $9 now or something ridiculous. Assuming cigs are $7 a pack, if you smoke even a pack a day, that's almost $50 a week. Ouch.

Diet. This one is a little trickier to plan, especially considering you are looking to move and probably don't have much of a kirchen to cook in. If you've got a microwave, get those lean cuisine meals, keep a few on hand, or work with your boyfriend to plan cooking meals at his place, make it healthy, lots of veggies, etc.

Exercise is one of the hardest ones for me. I used to be a member of a gym, but it got to be too expensive, so I quit my membership. Running is good for my soul, and if you are moving downtown, taking a daily walk for the paper, walking to wherever you end up working, walking to the bus... just start walking. It will make you feel better, I promise.

And when your body starts to feel better, your brain will have more energy to tackle some of the practical issues in your life.

Good luck, Nattie. You can pull out of this, just take those baby steps and bit by bit the cloud will lift.

September 8, 2002
11:58 am
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lurker
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It sounds overwhelming now, but I think that's because you're grouping the problems together into one big mess. You've already identified some of the areas, which is a start in the right direction.

You may have heard this type of suggestion before, but it's a good idea to tackle each problem as a separate issue, and like Squeezles suggested, it's probably a good idea to write all of these down and what needs to be done.

You won't solve everything at once, but you can definitely accomplish a small, tangible thing on your list each day. Knowing that you're making some sort of progress getting out of your rut will make you feel a lot better. It did for me. Hope this helps.

September 8, 2002
12:47 pm
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jimsmum
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I hope you soon find yourself thinking more positive. I would first worry about tackling the depression -if this means tackling the major issue in your life then this is what you must do. You have listed many things in your note, but are these the things which bother you most? Think about what gets you the most depressed and try and figure out what you can do. Tackle this issue first and then worry about the others later. Some other advice which I was given was to not just worry about the areas/ things you need to develop, but think about building on the skills you already have or making the most of the things you are good at. I am also very depressed at the moment but I am trying to change things. You cant do everything at once, but you only have one life. If it isnt making you happy then at the end of the day you are responsible for trying to make things better. Good luck
Debbie

September 8, 2002
12:52 pm
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nattie
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I love you guys, thank you, the suggestions are great....ok small steps, make a budget!!! When i move i can get excerise by walking, that's good!!! Oh and the recruitment agency IS A GREAT IDEA, i never thought of that!!

Answers to some of your questions.....
My depression comes from my anxiety and making bad decisons I guess. I've had anxiety all my life since a child and have drank to make it go away or to feel comfortable in public and around people, I have nothing now but my own will to keep me going. And I am my own worst enemy, I have to remember to talk nice to myself like a little child. "it's ok, just keep going, you'll be fine" kinda thing. I never did that before.

My father told me yesterday and has told me he just wants someone to take care of me, wants me to get married so he knows i will be ok. I told him once and for all dad you have to stop telling me this, I've depended on someone (you or a man) all my life, I should be able to do this myself, and i wish you taught me to find happiness within myself rather then in someone else. My father is sooo old fashioned, thinks the woman should stay home kinda thing. I hate how he treats my mother. She never does anything right and it just kills me.

And forget the idea of staying with my parents, I moved out long ago because of the fighting and my mother is schzophrenic ( I'm adopted) so It's not in my genes.
She's been this way since i was 12, long time but I've learned to accept it finally and that i can't change that. Damnit if I didn't try my hardest though.

I do go to therapy and she tells me that I was always the referee to my parents, and had some scarey things happen to me when my mom first got sick, threatning my dads life, telling me repeatedly that she doesn't want me anymore, being taken out of the house in the middle of the night cause of the fighting. I got to a point at 21 where I had it!!! Probably where all my drinking comes from, been drinking pretty heavily since I was 15. Don't even ask about my birth parents, they are alcoholics, kinda depressing. The only hope I have there is that my birth father is an artist like me, so I think that's cool.

I guess now that I'm jobless the therapy sessions will be cheaper, which will help.

sigh....thanks for listening. luv you guys, i really do!! xoxo

September 8, 2002
8:33 pm
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Squeezles
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I'm not sure but can you do breathing exercises or something to help with anxiety? There should be some kind of 'anxiety counsel of [insert relevant county, state, country here]' near where you live. Maybe you could write away to them for some pamphlets/info on dealing with anxiety?

Can you get yourself on some unemployment benefits while you look for work? Maybe get some kind of rent assistance or something?

You need to tell your Dad to back off!! Not so easy I know, but why does he want you to be dependent on someone? He should be encouraging you in the opposite direction! Paint a picture for him - you married to a man you don't really like/know (because he pushed you to get married/have kids soon so you have someone to look after you), husband has a great job (looks after you) so you don't have to work or you work in a business together, you have kids tying yourself forever with this person, but your marriage starts to break down, working with your husband proves difficult, you decide to leave the marriage, but in doing that you either have no income/savings (because you didn't work) or you have to leave your job (because you worked with him and now working with him would be impossible because you're getting a divorce) and because you have been out of the work force for so long you have no relevant skills/experience or you're too old anyway, so no job for Nattie...so there you are alone, with kids, but no job or money...OK it's a dramaticisation but does he really want that for you? I doubt it! It's great that he wants you to get married and have kids (I assume so you'll be happy) but you need to do these things at your own pace or else you WON'T be happy - he had a chance to lead his life as he saw fit; it's your chance to do the same. One thing I learnt from my parents break up is never be dependent on other people - as in you should have an alternate means for what is going to happen if/when you break up - maybe that's a bad way to look at it, but I dont' think there is any excuse for not being able to balance a cheque book or knowing how to change the oil in the car because husband does it - what happens when husband dies? YOU'LL have to do it then. Hmm I'm getting off track here - my main point is don't be pushed around by your parents anymore! You're 30 they should be happy that you're happy. The time for raising you is past, it's now your job to raise you. Encourage them to get into a hobby so they don't have so much time to bother you!

Good luck with the rest of the things happening in your life.

September 9, 2002
9:51 am
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Tinkerbe11
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Aw bless you nattie.You are so nice.I didn't even read this thread somehow and there you are on mine,helping me,when all along you have your own problems to work out.Thanx g/f.I don't know what to say,but I am a minor.I just have to say that I will be here for you,as I guess many others will.If you need to talk,i'm ALWAYS here.And no, you are not on a pity pot.Everyone is entitled to borrow it sometimes,although some take more of an advantage of it than other (Me,as I am often told I am sitting on it).That ring round my ass sure will get sore! I do know that though as soon as that positive thinking comes into action,things take off.You just gotta get that back.You sound such a strong person!

((((((((((nattie))))))))))))

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