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I'm so confused...
March 29, 2004
8:12 am
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laughingrl22
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Hi everyone, well right know I am so confused and scared. Last night my boyfriend and I were in bed and he was angry because I was telling him not to be afraid of his landlord. Well, he told me to be quiet cause he was getting mad and I continued talking. Then he comes over to me and puts his hand over my face and said, "Do you want to be scared of me, because I will make you scared of me"? I started crying hysterically because I was in an abusive relationship before him for 3 years. I told my current boyfriend (I've been with him for a year and a half) everything that happenened in that relationship. My ex boyfriend used to cover my mouth almost everytime we were fighting.....it always freaked me out because I thought one day he would maybe smother me. Anyways, it brought back horrible memories that I thought that I had forgotten. And I don't know about my current boyfriend. He's 25, and I am 22. I didn't sleep at all lastnight and know I am having non-stop anxiety like I used to have with my last boyfriend. I am so confused and wondering what I should do, because I don't........and maybe deep down inside I do and I just don't want to see it. It doesn't help that I feel like I can't leave because he's a recovering alcoholic and I know if I leave he will drink..........Thanks for listening, I appreciate it.

March 29, 2004
9:46 am
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Laughingirl,

I'm very sorry this happened. I know that after getting out of one abusive relationship, how horrible it had to be for you for him to put his hand over your face and threaten you, and he did threaten you right?

I will tell you that if you were my daughter and told me this story, that I would not hesitate one second to tell you to get out right now. The fact that he is a recovering alcoholic at the tender age of 25 has nothing whatsoever to do with YOU! If you leave and he drinks, so what?

You're 22 years old, already been in an abusive relationship, and it sounds as if you're in another one. You didn't say how long you and this guy have been together. Not that it makes a huge difference, but it might if you'd been with him for years, had kids together, etc. You already know the answer anyway, as you said in your post. Deep down, you know what to do, as most of have that small, still voice deep inside that tells us things.

When you do decide to go, don't let him make YOU feel guilty or responsible in any way for his well-being. He sure wasn't concerned about your well-being, especially knowing what you went through with the other guy, did he?

Also, with you being so young, if you see yourself in a pattern of choosing these types of guys, get help now, counseling, what ever it takes to break the pattern. Otherwise, you'll end up repeating, as many of us have done who post here, me included. So don't you make that same mistake. If it happened once, it will happen again, as I'm sure you already know.

Don't get the impression that I practice what I preach. I had never been in a physically abusive relationship before my current marriage, number 3. My husband is an alcoholic who is still drinking. In the early days, he did get physically abusive at times, so I know exactly what it feels like. It's the worst feeling of being scared, humiliated, shocked, etc. that I've ever had. He hasn't put his hands on me in a very long time. But I don't kid myself about the situation. I know it could very easily happen again. BUT, if it does, and he knows this, I'm gone. And when and if I go if he does it again, I'm going to get the best divorce lawyer I can find, and I will take every single thing that I possibly can. Anyway, just think about it. You're going to be ridden with anxiety wondering when it will happen again. You've already been through it, and you know how awful it is. I just hate for anyone male or female to have someone who is supposed to love them, treat them in such a way. That just isn't what you or anyone else wants, right? W.

March 29, 2004
5:50 pm
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laughingrl22
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Wanttobewell,
Thanks so much for the message. It felt good to be validated. We have been together for a year and a half.....but I can't say that I have ever been more in love or had more in common or fun with another person. The reason I am afraid to leave is that it was a condition for us to stay together last November for him to stop drinking. He has relapsed once since than...I decided I couldn't take being with an alcoholic..or someone who had the characteristics of an alcoholic. Also, I am going to school for social work. I graduate with my Bachelor's in a year and I am cofacilitating a Woman's Domestic Violence group right know....And yes, I am only 22.(internship) I think I have my blinders up. I will see how he reacts because that says so much. I don't know what I want.......it doesn't help that I am codependent. What about you? How is your marriage? Do you have kids? Thanks a lot.

March 29, 2004
6:09 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Laughing,

Get rid of him NOW.

You, nor anyone else needs or deserves this in their life.

Z.

March 29, 2004
6:09 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Laughing,

Get rid of him NOW.

You, nor anyone else needs or deserves this in their life.

Z.

March 29, 2004
6:51 pm
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Dear laughingrl22,

Having been through an abusive relationship means that you may consider yourself to be pre-battered. That means you have already been through several "cycles" of violence. That means that you are more psychologically vulnerable to the effects of intimate partner violence than you were. You endanger not only your physical well-being, but also your mental health by putting up with your boyfriend's abusive behavior.

His comment "Do you want to be scared of me?" is chilling. What a creep! What he did that night constitutes a felonious act of domestic violence. And domestic violence escalates, escalates.

A big, big man isn't he--intimidating and manhandling a young woman.

I have all respect for your autonomy and right to self determination. I can't tell you what to do. In fact, I sometimes am just plain full of baloney.

That said....Do a Google search for "Signs of a Battering Personality."

I'm with Zinnie--Run,run, run! And get a domestic violence protection order while your at it.

You feel like you can't leave? The heck you can't! I mean like tonight!

By the way, batterers who drink tend to be more dangerous when drunk--watch it.

March 29, 2004
6:59 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Laughingirl, This is my 3rd marriage. We've been together for 5 years. I have a 28-year-old daughter and a 17-year-old daughter, neither of them by this marriage. He actually was my first true love at the tender age of 13-14, long story, but suffice to say that 35 or so years later, we hooked up again. Right now, our marriage is doing fairly well. He goes through periods when he doesn't drink.

Now,,you're obviously a very smart young lady in many ways. But, you say that it was a condition? for him to stop drinking that the two of you stay together. I realize that being codependent doesn't help you out any, believe me I do, but since when does anyone's drinking rely on "conditions" of any sort from another person. Sounds a bit like blackmail to me. Laughingirl, I know that your blinders are up because you know better than that. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel in any way that I'm being harsh to you. It's just that I hate to see someone controlling another person in this way, i.e., his drinking issues.

Zinnie is right. You deserve so much better. I've never been more in love or had more fun with another person either, but as time goes on, it's much less fun, less being in love, and more of thinking about when this happens again, I will be forced to go, as to do otherwise is just not acceptable at this time in my life. I'm old. Let's see now,,,the last time this happened was about a year and a half ago, and it happened on three different occasions with long times in between episodes before this last one. Yet I continue to hope and pray that it won't happen again. I can live with the drinking. If he wants to kill himself, so be it. But any type of physical abuse, whether it be hand over the face or anything else, just will no longer be tolerated.

You know enough about domestic violence to know what your answer is, and so do I. But this isn't about me; it's about you. Whatever you do, though, don't let him blackmail you about him drinking. Didn't he drink before he met you? What do you really think of this "condition." Don't you believe it is emotional blackmail? It makes me so mad when someone does this to someone they supposedly love. Keep posting. There are lots of people on this site who are much smarter than I am and who can pretty much cut through the crap and say what needs to be said. You'll definitely benefit from them, as I have. So keep posting.

You're cofacilitating a women's domestic violence group. Is this for therapy, a shelter, both? Sounds really great!! W.

March 30, 2004
8:04 am
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laughingrl22
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Wantstobewell,
No your message wasn't harsh....I guess on the "conditions" part, I told him that I could not stay with someone who drank. The last time when I finally told him this was the night before Thanksgiving. I begged him not to go to the bar after work, he did anyways......he did his usual routine, turning his phone off, wasn't where he said he was going to be, and ended up getting dropped off by a friend and passed out in the bar....I thought he was dead. I was frustrated, mad and HURT. So i told him I couldn't do it anymore. I said that he was either done drinking or I was gone. I couldn't help him anymore especially when he didn't want to to help himself. I see change in every person, heck that is what field I am going into. I just couldn't or wouldn't want it in my life..........not what I have seen or heard or after my last relationship. So here I am...And no he's never hit me but pushed me a couple of times and what happened lastnight. He says that he loves that he doesn't drink anymore. He says he feels like a different person and that I have made such a difference in his life. And he doesn't have a desire to drink. At work he is pressured everyday to drink......and that is what happened last time when he relapsed. He went to the bar at 10:30 am and left at 4:30 pm with these guys that he works with....who are alcoholics. The place where I am doing the group is a woman's domestic group. It is in a non-profit agency that has many other programs. It is the family violence program. Thanks a lot for everything.....and I appreciate your advice. I just don't want to be with a guy who abuses or an alcoholic. I want to be happy and healthy. I love this man so much that it makes everything harder.......

March 30, 2004
8:21 am
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laughingrl22
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Worried_Dad,
Thanks a lot for your message.....it makes a lot of sense to me. It's not as easy for me to leave because I am codependent. I am not hiding behind that either....I am being very honest.
He has never "hit" me......or done anything like I had before, not even close....He knows what he did......we discussed it. And if something does happen again, like him hitting me than I will leave....I do know that.
It brought back so many horrible memories from my previous partner. I think that is why I felt traumatized...and I don't even know if that makes sense at all? thanks a lot again. I appreciate it.

March 30, 2004
8:25 am
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Zinnie
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Do yourself a favor - get out BEFORE he hits you then.

Z.

March 30, 2004
11:21 am
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Worried_Dad
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Laughing....

It is possible to destroy a person with words alone.

Add threats and violence to the mix---ooh boy lookout!

When he says "Do you want to be scared of me?" that is pretty clear cut.

March 30, 2004
11:33 am
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Zinnie
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Laughing,

WD is so right... please get out now, while you still can.

Sadly - we all speak from experiences, some worse than others.

Z.

March 30, 2004
11:36 am
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Hey Laughing... if I were your best friend here's what I'd say:

"GET OUT NOW AND EVER LOOK BACK." Stop pussy-footing around the bush. You're looking for a reason to stick around this basta*d. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it now.

Dont' know who you are? GET OUT and find out NOW. I'd hate to see your next post about how he hit you after all... about how he just needs help... and how great you are for sticking around to help....

LEAVE. This is typical... not unusual. And those who are doing this cannot make themselves leave. So, I'm coming in from this computer screen to force you.

Got it????

March 30, 2004
1:37 pm
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sue2001
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Yes, Laughing, the words the menatal abuse. He said he can make you be scared. Oh no I know that really well. I have never been hit. And so much has changed in my life since I last posted in here over 3 years ago. But I know what it feels like when they talk to you like that. YES, get out now BEFORE he does hit you. If you stay and let him talk to you the way he does then by the time he does hit you, or smother you, he will have you believing you deserved it. Do it for YOU.

Sue

March 30, 2004
5:02 pm
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laughingrl22
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Sue2001,
What happened to you? Just wondering....Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate very much.

April 1, 2004
10:10 am
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Wanttobewell
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Laughingrl,,Hi,,,How are you doing? Please accept my apology if you've posted on a new thread, as I've been working and just haven't had a lot of time.

Please post and let everyone know what's happening with you and if you're well. W.

April 1, 2004
11:12 am
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laughingrl22
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Wanttobewell,
Thanks for wondering how I am doing. I guess that I am doing okay. Just thinking a lot lately. I am still here with him. We haven't slept together since that happened.....he hasn't tried, nor have I. Just been acting the same, except for that part. And I really don't want to sleep with him for awhile. Make since?
How have you been doing? I didn't post on a new thread either....just this one.
Have a good day.

April 1, 2004
12:19 pm
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ashamed
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Hi Laughing
I feel like you and I are in a similar situation. Last night my boyfriend asked me if i wanted a hug or a slap and even though he was kidding, it's just not funny. I got pissed and went to bed. He has a substance abuse problem as well and is currently in treatment. Deep down I think that I should leave now too, but I just Can't because there are so many good times too. It makes me feel so weak.

April 1, 2004
3:56 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Yeah,,,makes sense...I'm okay. Gotta go to work tho,,,will talk tonight or tomorrow,,,glad to hear from you!!!! W.

April 1, 2004
4:03 pm
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I just don't understand what "good times" are worth sticking around with a person who threatens you physically. Why don't you just leave? I don't get it...

April 2, 2004
11:32 pm
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Juanita
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oh ladies, please... get out before something really bad happens! I am not the best of speakers... cut to the chase & blunt sometimes... feel bad I can't find more words to express this geniune feeling... Have kept silent for figuring others can relate/express/communicate/offer better help than I... But, if one more voice of concern weighs in and makes a difference, here is mine.

GET OUT OF THERE! YOUR LIVES ARE IN JEOPARDY!

Please, NO number of good times are worth the "tab" of abuse. There are too many good men out there who won't beat or verbally abuse you... You deserve respect.

What if you were your own daughter? What would you be telling her?

Please, get out while you can. Don't wait for the ambulance to take you away or worse. Help is available, you are not alone.

April 3, 2004
8:20 am
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Laughing,,,just checking in with you. Are you okay? You said you had been doing a lot of thinking. You also said you were still together. I don't mean to be pushy, but why don't you share your thoughts and what you are going to do. I hope you don't think we're all over-reacting to your situation. What he did is just such a huge warning!!! Write when you get a chance. W.

April 3, 2004
8:52 am
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laughingrl22...I have to also comment on the "condition" part. Trust me, it does not work. I am sure he is doing great not drinking, physically and mentally we'd all be better. But he will alwasy have a sort of deep resentment that he did it for "you" and he really needed to do it for himself. And believe me, it will come out in his actions or emotions one way or another. You, and any other young woman that posted here and are already in an abusive/or addictive person relationship, I would say from experience to get out now. I had great fun times with my ex, thought we were "soul mates", he felt like the love of my life, but it wasn't until I left that I realized how I paid for that...the horrible times, the bad memories, the fights, and tears, and anger, etc. And I realize now that I did not have to put up with that just so I could say we had a great weekend together, or there's a warm body next to me in bed, or he needs me and will go off the deep end if I leave (and he has)...I was sacrificing MY LIFE, for what??? You have barely started yours, don't start sacrificing now.

April 3, 2004
11:50 pm
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Well, I don't know what my thoughts are because they keep changing. I feel so confused. I am starting to see my psychologist again.....I thougth that it might be good for me. And yes he has already used his stop drinking for me over me.....I told him I didn't mean for him to stop it for me, it was never meant for me......It was more like I can't live with your drinking, so if you can't stop than I am leaving. Neither of my parents were alcoholics. I don't know where my hatred towards alcohol comes from. Well, when I was 10 sometimes my mom came home drunk....she went back to school and started hanging out with younger people. I remember the smell, and my dad sitting in his chair waiting for her to come home. I remember fighting and crying........but than it got better. Or maybe it looked that way, Well than my mom left us 8 years later....And they were divorced. Other than that, I dont know. I guess I am at the point right know, that I am strong enough to leave if he drinks because I can't stand how he treats me when he drinks, how he can't stop, etc. etc. I met him and I never knew what an alcoholic was because I was never around it. I know how it has affected me and I hate it. I HATE IT. I hate that I feel weak, that I am codependent......I hate that I still want my father when I feel afraid and that I am 22 years old and I dont know how to nurture myself. I hate that right know I feel so alone and I have never been a strong person. I can help anyone else, anyone else and receive all this gratitude but I can't help myself....I don't know how. I want to be healthy. I feel afraid that I will be married and have children and be Stuck.....and unable to give my children what I need. I think to much maybe? everyone has always told me my whole life that I "read into things." I'm upset right know. Thanks all for caring and listening. It means a lot.

April 4, 2004
11:39 am
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Wanttobewell
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Laughing,,,If you've seen him drunk, then you know what you don't like about it. It makes 'em stupid. It is nearly impossible to put up with a drunk without being very, very annoyed, as they are very, very annoying and as I said, stupid-acting. Plus,,as you said, "the way he treats me."

Him holding over your head his drinking or not drinking just shows you his mind-set. Twinks is exactly right,,,you're going about your business,,,he gets drunk, and suddenly he has to be catered to, given your full and undivided attention, step-and-fetch for him, listen to his stupid comments about any and everything, etc.

She's also right about you being the strong one. I used to think I was the weak one too, but now I see that I am truly the strong one, as are you the strong one in the relationship. He knows that also, just as mine knows it. They don't like that very much either and so they find subtle ways to undermine you. I won't go into detail because it would take too long, but just give you one example of what mine does. I'll be working (I work at home), and he'll constantly come in and spout off some nonsense. I'm in a back bedroom which is my work room. He sits in the living room in front of the computer while also watching TV. So I'll be working and I hear,,,"Come in here quick, hurry, hurry, you HAVE to see this. If I try to ignore him, he gets louder and louder,,just one example, so it isn't hard to figure out what one doesn't like about a drunk.

Don't feel badly about wanting your dad. I'm 50, and he's the first one I want too. That's because he' a good man, and he loves me. So I don't see that there is anything wrong with that at all.

When you say you don't know how to nuture yourself, I don't really have a good answer to that one. I don't remember if you said you were in counseling but if you aren't, that's a good start. There are lots of good books out there too.

Remember,,,since you haven't already put yourself in the position of being "stuck" and you're already aware of not wanting to do that, you're way ahead in knowing what you do and do not want out of life. You know you don't want to have children with this guy. I only wish I'd have had your insight when I was your age. It would have saved me much heartache and guilt.

He's the sick and weak one, not you, and that is very obvious. I believe deep down, you know that too.

I've only met one (that I know of) alcoholic who stopped and stayed off the booze, and that is my husband's uncle (practically everyone in my husband's family except his mom and sister are alcoholics). His uncle is enjoyable to be around and hasn't had a drink in I don't know how many years, but it has been a very long time. I don't believe my husband will ever stop, and it sounds like your guy is dying for a drink and sooner or later will find a reason to start back up,,,and don't worry,,he'll make it YOUR fault. Thank God you aren't already married to him with children. Laughing, that is a real hell-hole to live in.

Laughing, mine has promised to stop and straighten up and help me. I was diagnosed last week with macular degeneration. This is a "fork in the road" for him. If I lose my sight quickly, I'll not be able to live with a drunk, as I will need too much help, plus,,he can't hear very well from noise at his job. So, if I can't see and he can't hear and is drunk,,(sounds almost like a sitcom), that just won't work. I figure this diagnosis will either help him to stop or as I fear more, will make his drinking worse. We'll see.

Are you happy with this guy? Do you think he's the one you can really share your life with? It must be very difficult since he's shifting his responsibility for himself and his drinking onto you already. I'm not sure if they really are so blind or just so hooked on the booze that they're going to find someone or something to blame no matter how idiotic it sounds, and I don't much care. I'm not a substance abuse counseler but need to be!!!!

Don't make the same mistakes I have. Trust me on this, please. Mostly, they're all the same. If they stop drinking for any other reason other than they realize what it is doing to THEM, then I believe it's pretty hopeless. Forgive me for going on so long, but it helps me to gain more insight into my own situation when I write about it to someone else. Hope it helps you some. I care. I can totally relate to your situation. W.

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