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I'm Sick In The Head
November 8, 2004
1:44 pm
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SassyAlex
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Hi all, I've taken a break lately from the board because I was trying to avoid talking about my ex, even here. Recap for those who don't know, I was in a relationship with a heroin addict who was verbally abusive, manipulative, and all of the lovely things we know addicts to be. I broke it off with him, I moved away to another city (I was moving anyway, but physically getting away from him was beneficial). I've tried to do everything "right". I've tried to listen to advice from my friends and you all here. I didn't speak to him for months. I tried to do everything positive for myself (working out, exploring where I live, reading, writing), I've done it all.

And you know what? I'm not any better. I have believed that if I just try hard enough, that if I just stay away from him long enough, things will get better. This is what we tell each other, right? But the sad truth is that even though I've had a lot of clarity in my time away from him, there's the part of me that cannot let him go, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why. And I don't even have any reasons for myself. The only reason can be that I am sick. I really feel like I have a mental illness, there is no other reason for this.

I've had so many times where I've said I'm through, and I've meant them from the bottom of my heart each and every time. And each time I've thought for sure "this is the final time". How many times have I told my family, how many times have I told my friends, how many times have I said it here.

Of course I would never, ever tell anyone in my situation to handle it the way I have. I would say undoubtedly, get the heck away from him and do everything in your power to stay away. And I swear I've tried.

I look at my relations with him and see how he was with heroin. I try and try to stay away from that "fix" I want so badly, and most times I succeed, but for the few times I've given in, I pay for in tears and pain and confusion. And I know it's bad for me. I know it has ruined my life. Yet, underneath it all I have this deep craving that never goes away, ever, no matter how much on track I am. I'm finally at a point where I can say it feels like I have no control over it. Exactly like a drug addict.

I called him last night. I called HIM. He didn't call me. He wasn't bothering me. Oh yes, he has called me 100 times a day in the past, he has tortured me and sent me messages to mess with my mind, but lately he's been good. Admirably good, for him. He's been actually really amazing since he got out of rehab. Other than sending me text messages when I told him to leave me alone, he's been on his best behavior for months now. And what did I do? I reached out to him. I cannot justify it, I cannot explain it, the only thing I can say now is that I am obviously sick. When I look at my behavior, I think only a sick person would keep inviting this in to their lives again and again.

He is actually on track himself. He's working, he got his own place, he's trying to for once be an adult, he's hanging out with sober people, he's being extremely healthy when we've spoken. For the complete disaster that he was on drugs, I cannot believe how well adjusted he is now. I feel that right now he's healthier than I am.

I'm seeing a psychologist, and I feel embarrassed to tell her this, which is silly because it's what I'm paying her for. I know that so many of you here understand on some level where I'm coming from because you have in the past, and I hear myself in your words.

But when do you all stop saying I'm OK, that I can make it through this? When is it correct to say what's true, which is I have a sickness, and that I'm not OK. It's the truth. Sometimes I feel like there's no saving me.

November 8, 2004
2:04 pm
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Anonymous
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Sassy I am right there with you. I know that feeling. And I have been there, where Mr. Jack and I have been done, and I called him, I made that move to reconcile or whatever keep the contact after him being a total jerk. I have kicked myself so much, but then I realized with the help of many on here, that you learn from it. And it is not good to be hard on yourself for caring about someone and wanting to be with them. They just happen to be poision to us. We want what is so bad for us. It is human nature. It is so hard to be strong, I know I cried more in the last week than I have in a long long time. And all for what? For getting a relationship that is half ass and we get treated like crap in? We need to realize that there is something ELSE out there, maybe not right away, I know I am terrified to date anyone else right now, but I know that this cannot be what I was meant to be with. I told Mr. Jack last night, I feel more alone in being with you than in being alone. HOw sad is that.

November 8, 2004
2:17 pm
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kathygy
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I believe its your childhood wounds that are stopping you from letting go. We fall in love with what is familiar. For many of us chaos and truama/drama are familair. Being mistreated is familiar. Don't be afraid to tell your therapist that you called him so she can help you heal those childhood wounds. The day will come when you no longer crave anything that is not good for you. You will only want men in your life who treat you well consistently.

November 8, 2004
2:23 pm
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workinonit
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OK sassy, you've thought about living without him. But something you said makes me wonder, have you thought of living with him again now, at this moment, after these clarifying times you've spent away?

Could you really do it?

Maybe it is just more time until you can redefine yourself to you.

November 8, 2004
2:25 pm
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Anonymous
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Okay. This is going to sound nuts, but I'm going for it anyway...

Think for a minute about taking your chewing gum out of your mouth and then stretching it with your hands. As your hands move further apart, the gum thins, but the piece in the right hand stays connected to the piece in the left hand until...

Until what? Until the distance between the two pieces becomes to great. Until the amount of physical stress is more than the strand of gum can tolerate. Until the gum reaches a particular point when all the forces around it come together to separate the piece in the right hand from the piece in the left hand. Then, you have to deal with the mess.

However, the ties do break. The mess does get clean.

Sassy, I know you don't "see" or "feel" your progress right now, but it is there.

In due time, it will reveal itself.

Love,

Ren'ai

November 8, 2004
3:03 pm
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SassyAlex
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Aces & Spades, I know you understand. I can tell by reading your threads which hit home with me.

kathygy, I know I have to tell my therapist, and I will, I just feel so embarrassed about it, and I'm not the type of person who feels embarrassed by things often. She says the same thing, that I keep getting myself involved with this because it's what feels "natural" even though it's messed up, due to childhood trauma and patterns that were set early on.

workinonit, he has made it very clear that he would fly out to see me whenever, wherever. When I ask him bottom line what he wants from me, he wants us to have a relationship, and he claims to be willing to move out by me down the line if our visits were successful. And like I said, he's been almost perfect (especially for him) lately, so I have allowed my mind to contemplate whether or not a future down the road would be possible...waaaaaaay down the road. But I honestly don't see it. I miss him, I love him on some level, but at least I am smart enough now to not jump into what might feel good for the short term because I can see the writing on the wall for the long term. I will not even allow for a visit, even for one day. So I guess I can give myself credit for that. I guess I have learned a little. But why did I call? Why do I still sometimes want contact if I have no plans of seeing him? I wish I had answers for myself, but even soulsearching I can come up with none.

Ren'ai, I understand your analogy, however, I have felt that gum snap before, I really have. I know you are probably thinking well it didn't snap completely if I'm still having contact, but I swear, my mind, my heart, and the gum have snapped beyond repair again and again and again. Just when I think it can't snap any more, we become tangled. Neither of us can seem to let the other one completely go.

Thanks for all of your support during this confusing difficult time, it means a lot to me.

November 8, 2004
3:52 pm
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workinonit
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Sassy, when I left my ex, I went through alot of what you are going through. There was something inside that still needed contact, that wasn't ready to let go.

Fortunately, he is more narcissistic than needy and didn't try to get me back. It was purely my cravings.

Everytime I would go through this low, I would ask myself...can you really turn back now Lori and if you do what will you go back to?...I knew the answers and I didn't like them.

I am 7 months away now and though I still think about him I know my life is better already.

I wish that for you too sassy:)

November 8, 2004
3:56 pm
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Anonymous
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Sassy,

If the "gum has snapped" then try to relax. It means the work is done, and the rest will begin to fall right into place.

I realize you are frustrated and feeling like you don't know what to do next. I wonder if those feelings don't stem from some inner knowledge that you have done all you can...

Sincerely,

Ren'ai

November 8, 2004
4:49 pm
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SassyAlex
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I just tried to lay down for a nap since I was on the phone 8 hours overnight with him, and I'm exhausted which does not help my mind be any clearer, and I couldn't rest due to all of the thoughts racing through my head.

I keep thinking about all the individual things he did that were each so massive and painful to me when we were together. I think about how almost everything he told me when he was on drugs was a lie. I think about how he smoked pot in my apartment while I was at work when he was supposedly clean. I think about the times he left me, not caring what state I was in, to get drugs. I think about how he found a drug contact in my apartment building and bought from the guy I now have to pass in the hallway and how mortifying it is. I could list a thousand things like this, each one a knife in my heart.

And the bottom line is this. No matter how long he's clean, if he actually is, no matter how much he grows up or becomes well adjusted (if he keeps going, we unfortunately know the statistics which are terrible), I will always think of him as how he was before on drugs. I will always resent him, I will always be angry, I will always want to throw it in his face, I will never really believe anything he says or trust what he's doing. He will always be that lunatic drug addict to me, even if he becomes a saint.

And that's how I know I can't go back, no matter how much I care for him and no matter how well he's doing, I know I can't go back. I swallowed it for so long, giving him chance after chance because he was "sick", until there came a day when something in my head just snapped like Ren'ai said.

I know that when people go to rehab and prove that they are doing the right things that we are supposed to support them, but I believe in some cases there's just no going back. I think too much damage was done, he made sure to destroy any little glimmer of hope or chance that we had, and I believe there's nothing he can do now to make it alright with me.

So I know I need to let him go. If he is truly doing the right things, he doesn't need me constantly reminding him of the scumbag he was on drugs. It can't be beneficial to his recovery. Although I think he deserves it after everything he's done, it's just not good for him staying clean.

And so why the contact. I recently asked myself and admitted to my therapist that maybe there's a part of me that wants to know he's still hanging on, that he's pining for me, that he hurts because he can't have me, and he knows it's because of how much he fucked up. It's almost like I want to move on, but I don't want him to. That's a difficult thing to admit, and it doesn't paint me in a pretty light, but that's how I feel. My therapist suggested that I might like being the object of desire, that I enjoy being put on a pedestal, which he does. He begs to see me, he says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me. It's sick, why do I need that, why do I care? I like knowing that he wants me, and I won't allow it. Maybe after feeling like I had absolutely no control with him, it gives me a sense of control or power. If that's what I'm doing, I have to stop. That's not how I want to be.

I just wish I could get to a point where I don't care if he's with anyone else, I don't care if he doesn't love me anymore, but it seems so far away. I wish I could just let go.

November 8, 2004
5:00 pm
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chasaphatty
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Sassy,
Alot of the time you don't realize the progress you are making, but then something happens and you look back and you like wow it was right in front of my face. With me it was going through bootcamp. I joined the Marines and the whole 13 weeks I couldn't wait to get home and do all the things I used to do, mainly get out of Camies and feel like a girl again, but when I got home I realize how much I had strengthened as a person. But you want to know what I did the minute I got home ran to my ex who treated me like crap and ran to my friends that I joined to get away from, but thats when it hit me. I can't stand these people anymore! The same people that I loved for so many years even though they were dragging me down with them. Changing for the better can be scary but also with your ex remember he is also trying to change himself for the better. He is also going through a scary time. The longer you distance yourself the more change you will make even if it's very little such as having a clear head and eventually you'll see the whole picture. A quote to that reminds me of my ex is Fiona Apple "Love Ridden" She says " I want your warmth but it will only leave me colder when it's over". It's something to think about, if you give in when your this far into it, isn't it worth the pain you'll have to endure, is it worth starting getting over it all over again?

November 8, 2004
5:05 pm
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Letting go is one of the hardest things we ever learn to do. It is tremendously difficult.

I have moved on from my last "serious" relationship. It was only 4 years long, but I learned enough during that time that I feel I should have had a graduation ceremony by the time it was over--and it still isn't "over."

I met someone new, fell in love, and am committed to my new partner in every way imagineable. I, too, want to know that my ex is sorry that she lost me. I, too, would like to know that she realizes she had something very worthwhile and she will never have me again.

I suppose there is an element in each of us that is looking for restitution so that we can move on to closure. Who knows?

Sometimes I have to remind myself, though, that even if she never admits to me that she screwed up a good thing, I still know it's true. And that might have to be good enough.

Ren'ai

November 8, 2004
5:21 pm
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SassyAlex
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chasaphatty, wow, those lyrics brought tears to my eyes. It's so incredibly sad yet true. There is a haunting song that Paul Oakenfold wrote that Nelly Furtado and Tricky perform called "The Harder They Come". That song's lyrics mean so much to me with what I'm going through, and it would probably hit home a lot with others here. My favorite line is when she sings, "The harder they come, the harder they fall. Baby maybe I would rather not go there at all."

November 8, 2004
6:35 pm
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jackie01
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Sassy,
I'm a new member here. I just happen to be doing research on codependency when I read your story. OH MY GOD! Reading your story...I didn't think anyone felt exactly the same. I had felt the same way for 3 years hoping and praying to God that I would stop longing to be with him. Thinking we were soul mates. I thought I was crazy and I must enjoy being treated badly.
I'll tell you what helped me, besides staying away (which is the number one rule). I realized that I was finding happiness in everything around me such as exercising, books, friends, etc. When I stopped and took a look at myself. I imagined in my mind that everything in my life was gone. Would I be okay if my car was totaled, my house burnt down, my friends abandoned me, my family died? I know this sounds crazy, but it really helped. Then I found things within myself I really liked. That I'm a really good person that is always there if people need me, that I have good morals & values, etc. When I finally was okay with me and only me, I did not want anyone in my life that did not add something positive to it.
Secondly, I used to need his attention to think I was "okay". I realized this came from the way my Dad disiplined me(authoritarian)and I finally said "f*** what everyone thinks about me" I really don't care what they want me to be like or want me to do. I really like myself now.
Thirdly, I volunteer with people that are less fortunate to help me get a better perspective about how lucky I am. It puts a wonderful feeling in my heart that does not compare to anything else.
I now feel free. Thank God!!
I really hope any of this helps.

November 8, 2004
7:30 pm
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workinonit
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Jackie01 oh yeah!!! That's it everyone!!! Great story and sound advice.

Let's listen to this!!!

Sassy, I hear you listing the reasons you cannot go back and if you ask me? that is huge progress!!! You should feel good about that no matter what! So go put on something to dance to and spin yourself around the room, laugh, cry whatever emotion you feel because it is all good darlin!!!!

I am definitely hearing you when you talk about resentment and I have one word........FORGIVENESS.......

Tough one I know. But the key to losing this bloodsucking emotion is forgiveness. It doesn't mean you have to, just say it once in awhile, get accustomed to it because truly, this is the only way to peace of mind. This is the only way to feeling love in a different way all together for this person.

More power for you sassy, you deserve it!!!!!!!

November 9, 2004
2:19 am
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paulinwestpalm
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Sassy, I am going through the exact same thing except my sig. other went through rehab and then relapsed. And I stayed and stayed and stayed. Let her back in again and again and again. I believe it was Einstein who asked what is the definition of insanity? The answer is doing the same thing over and over again and getting the result. You think they are going to change; but they don't. I love her dearly but the drama and pain and disapointments are unbearable. I am having trouble moving on. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I hope in time I can be and move on. I think you did the right thing by moving. Good luck! Paul

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