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im scared,
June 7, 2003
2:20 pm
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hi guys im really scared unsure fo what im feeling tonight, my aunt shes gone to rest-bite with my sis for the weekend, left this morning, but i am staying with my aunts bf, i know he wont hurt be or anything, but right now im scared, i dont like being with him by my self, my aunt knew how i felt and said it would be good for me, HOW? i wrote this on i dont know what to do tread, this morning we went climbing, which was good, very tiring, im scared to go to sleep tonight, i dont no what to do, i just want to forget every thing but it wont go, diging away at me in my head of what happened, my aunt shouldnt of left me here, i just need to let out how im feeling i would feel safer being alone right now than with him, we went shopping earty and he broght some aclicit drink, i gotta get out of here, he does drink of a weekendnever seen him drunk, but my aunts always here, when he has drunk, but she ismt back till monday morning, im just so scared,

June 7, 2003
2:43 pm
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Hi Boland,

I understand your feeling. It's perfectly natural to feel like you're feeling, whether or not you're at real risk. Is there anyone else's house you could spend the night at? A friend, maybe? I mean, someone you trust. Or your mom, even ? Is there a lock to your bedroom door? I don't know much about your life, so I don't know what to recommend. I don't know how old you are either... I'm here, I'll be waiting for your reply and we can think of something together. You have every right to look for a way to feel more comfortable tonight.

Love,
Mafi

June 7, 2003
4:04 pm
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thanks mafi, i cant stay with my mum, my mum she beats me every time some thing happens and i can really see her as a mum to me right now, the only people i really trust are my aunt, i know my aunts bf wont hurt me, but i dont feel safe being with him in the house alone, and i dont like peolple drinking round me, there isnt really any where i can go not to a mates, i wish my dad was here, i wish my aunt would come home. thanks mafi

June 7, 2003
4:05 pm
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mafi im 17 i will be 18 in a week, and no there isnt a lock on the door

June 7, 2003
4:19 pm
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Well, I don't know much about your story, but sounds like you're safe.

You can write me if you're not sleeping, if you feel like it. I'll be at work during your night, because it'll be daytime here. Are you in EST? Or west? I'm 8 hours ahead EST and we start our work week on Sundays in this country. So I'll be in the office 9 hours from now. I'm going to bed soon.

June 7, 2003
4:28 pm
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mafi, i wont sleep tonight i decided its best for me to stay awake then i will be ok and not have bad dreams about being attacked, when i got attacked, it chanced my life, im not me any more, i hate the people who did this to me, do you think im being stubid?

June 7, 2003
4:32 pm
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im in the west, i live in england,

June 7, 2003
4:43 pm
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Ooooh, you are in England ! Then it's night there already. Thought you were in the USA. We're just 2 hours apart.

Yes, I thought you would be planning on not sleeping.

Of course you're not stupid ! You know that. Of course your feelings are totally natural. You're very brave. You shouldn't be going through this. You know, you're VERY nice and accomodating. Some other kids would make a real fuss to get their way and not be left in a situation they don't want. It's always an option you have, you know. To stand up for yourself and what you want, maybe next time they won't travel without you...can you be a bit more "difficult"? 🙂

June 7, 2003
4:56 pm
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hi mafi yea night here, to, i dont see my self as brave at all if i was brave and different then may be i wouldnt of been attacked, i dont really stand up for my self, my mum she scared the heil out of me when we were living there, few months back, if you could see me you wouldnt say i was nice, im all thin and horriabe, my aunt she had to go on this trip, it was for my sis she goes in to rest-bite its a place for disable kids will life treating illness, so you see it one of them things. i really want to me different, i hate the person i am, but i know i will all ways be the person i am, if i was differnt may be it wouldnt happen my live has been crap i was abused my mum and her bf, till i got away few months back, my dad died when i was young, who i miss lke heil, my sis has c erebal palsy so i will lose her to, and me i have this heart promble, but im ok,

im gonna stay awake tho, i dont think i will bw able to use the computer in the night as its in the spare room, what work do you do, thanks maafi talking with me,

June 7, 2003
5:39 pm
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How are things going?

Thank you for telling me your story ! I'm sorry to hear all the hard things you've had to put up with.

It's probably 10:30 in England now. I'm listening to some beautiful Franciscan music I bought in Rome last year and I can't sleep because of the mosquitos. I just sprayed the room and turned on the air conditioning, hope it'll help.

I work in a hitech company.

Why do you hate yourself? I used to hate myself too, not anymore. I know the feeling. Do you go to school?

June 7, 2003
6:09 pm
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right now he is watching tv, im still feeling like i did before, but i not gonna go to sleep, i wanted to phone my aunt, but its best i dont as she wouldnt be able to come back any way, i left school 2 years ago at 16, i stareted college, but left half way throught because of the attacked, i like that music to, nice and relaxing, not listen to it much tho, why i hate myself im not sure, i just do, every thing that happened in my life, some one mostly my mum has blamed me for, i blame myself for my sis being ill and my dad dieing, i know it had nothing to do with me, but i got use to my mum beating me because of it, as a young kid ive always has blamed my self for it, its just the way ive seen things, as i grown up, i do hate by self tho, i feel like no one loves me, every one in my family is leaving me, first my dad went, then my mum when we got took of her, and soon my sis, and all will be left will be me, im no one special tho, i hate my self because i was attacked by them peolpe and what they did to be, i believe if i was different then it wouldnt of happened, and my eatting plays a big part with this, it only really started after the attack, and senice then its stay with me just like the beatings from my mum and the attack, im under the hospital with my eatting now i make my self sick, why i cant really eexplain, i just feel better, this i quess is the only way i can change what i look like and if im ungle peolpe wont pick on me, i use to thing that, but now im not sure, im just bone now, and hate every thing about me, but my eatting is ok, i quess i hate my self because of every thing thats happened to me and my sis, i never let my sis get beat, i always proteted her from my mum, my sis is my world and all ways will be,my dad was a great man tho, i just blame my self for every thing that has happened so all the hate i have inside towards people who hurt me, i just turn it on to my self,

im gonna have to go to bed its coming 11pm here, and my aunts bf will be going bed soon, so im gonna go, im not gonna go to sleep tho, i just have this really bad feeling inside me, i know he wont hurt me, but there is a part of me thats says how do i know, i havent really ever stayed with him by my self, i thing i go listen to my radio to, with my ear phones on or some thing, i scared if i go to sleep he will come in my room, im just really unsure about how im feeling,

thanks mafi for taking with me tonight, hope you sleep well, your job sounds really intresting, night night,

June 8, 2003
10:46 am
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Boland, how are you? How was your night?

June 8, 2003
1:58 pm
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hi mafi, my night was heil i didnt sleep i listened to my music and the watched tv with out the sound till about 1pm then after i just sat looking out the window, looking out in to the world, were in a flat so when you look out you see all the lights and that, at nignt every thing looks differnt and so carm, my aunts bf went to bed about 12 some thing, he came in to check on me, i knew he had been drinking thats why i stayed in my room, asked if i was ok said i was quite, told him i was fine just tired and he said he knew i felt uncomfable around him, but doesnt know what to do, as it feels odd to him to, he told me he would never hurt me, and that he would love to make my life better, but i gotta start to trust people again, this talked lasted for about ten minutes, then i said i was going to bed and he said goodnight, i wasnt sure if he was drunk or he was being serisours with me, but today he said he wanted to take me some where, a special place he went to when he was a kid, i was really unsure, every thing was going througth my head, but i went, i didnt want to say no, as i didnt want to get him anger or mad, never saw him anger, he took to this park like a country park and walked up this hill, and sat on the top, and said he came here every time he was hurting,and needed to be alone, i found some thing out about him i never knew, when he was a kid his dad abused him, i didnt know what to say, just said sorry, he looked at me and said things will get btter but it takes time, and that i really gotta get better and trust him, as he wants to help, i kinda felt odd my self like i was sitting there with my dad, talking, even tho i wanst, im still not sure about him tho, he has a big heart and wants to help me, but being alone at home with him still scares me, when were out outside, it doesnt bothere me much as other peolpe are around, but in the flat its just me and him, hope you understand what i mean, i know tonigth will be the same as last night and i wont sleep again, i feel really bad right now, i want to sleep but i cant, i not know what to do, is he really trying to help me be a farther figer to me, or is he trying some thing else, i really cant wait till this weekend is over and my aunt and sis are home again,
myaunt phoned said my sis is having a great time, at rest-bite, she asked how i was, and i just said i wish she was here at home, and she told me to be strong and she will see be soon,

mafi hope you are ok to, and thankyou,

June 8, 2003
2:20 pm
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Dear Boland,

I just read all the posts in this thread and want to apologize for being too wrapped up in my own shit to respond to you when you were afraid.

I am 40 years old, and don't really remember what it was like to be scared at 17 because I was always to stoned to feel much of anything.

What I'm about to say is gonna sound pretty messed up because if you've seen any of the stuff I've written, then you know that I'm pretty messed up, but I'm a social worker, and I worked for Child Protective Services for almost a year. I did a lot of work with some people your age, and so I can kind of relate to your fears and nervousness.

It sucks to be in a strange place with people you don't know well or trust, especially if you are fighting to work though having been abused or traumatized in some way. It's just one more thing to have to cope with when you already feel totally overwhelmed and can't take one more thing.

It's hard for anyone to say anything to offer you comfort or help you feel safe in a situation like that. It's not like I'm your social worker, and you could call me up and say, "Hey, this isn't working for me, I need to get somewhere safe." and I could just hop into the state car and come get you.

If you do have a worker of some sort looking after you, or helping you with case management stuff, they should be there for you in situations like this. But "should" isn't always the reality of our lives...

I hope things are going better for you, and if there is anything I can do or offer you in the way of support or comfort, ask. If I can, then I'll do it.

Your friend,
Arwen

June 8, 2003
3:45 pm
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hi Arwen, everyone has there promblem, but look after your self to, thank you for posting to me tho, explessly while you are having a hard time you self, thankyou from the bottom of my heart, hag in there Arwen,

what you said didnt sound messed up at all, it was very confuting thank you.
i do have a social worker, shes a nice women, but i feel if i talk to her about how i feel living with my aunt and her bf my sis will be took in to care, my sis she loves my aunt, and her bf like a really mum and dad now, and i dont want to mess things up for my sis, my sis, she hasnt got long left alive, so you see i want her to be as happy as she can, my sis she has cerebal palsy, and she is slowly getting worse, and its horriabe to sit here and watch her get ill, i got my sis away from my mum and stoped my mums bf hurting her to , i protected my sister from every thing the beatings, my mum etc, i took them i believe my dad is prode of me for protecting my sister, and that was my job for most of my life is looking after my sister, and i still will no one will ever hurt my sister, and i dont want her to get hurt now, my social worker sees me every twos weeks im just scared to tell her how i feel, about my aunts bf i dont want to live any where else, but with my aunt and my sis, thats the only family i really have now, and i will just mess things up, every thing that happened is my fault tho, i just made mum mad all them years, i have this counseler, she helps but some times confused the heil out of me, she said i shouldnt blame my self, but every one else does, so it had to be my fault, things happen, she concertrates on the attack what happened latly beccause it will be coming round soon, and my feelings, but i dont lke talking about that, i just wish the two men that attacked me, knew how it felt, and how it sticks with you, she also keeps going on about the operation i had on by heart few months back to, and ow i should eat, she is good tho, and she does help, i just dont feel like talking some times, i know these a chance that we could end up back with our mum, or just my sis, but things are all confused for me with this as it cort cases and that, i thought if some one was in danger of living with a parnet the kids would never go back to them, my sis will never go back to my mum now, i told my social worker if we end up back with mum or just my sis, we will run, and i will take my sis with me before my mum gets her, my social worker said she cant see us going back to her, but there is that chance and i know my aunt and her bf are fighting for us, to stay with them,

im going on again, sorry. i dont know my aunts bf scares me, i just feel he will hurt me like every body else has,

thanks for listerning to me,
never forget tho your inportant to, and you need to look after your self,

sorry for any spelling mistakes, im so tired,

June 8, 2003
4:09 pm
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Dear Boland,

Thank you for sharing all that. I'm glad you allow yourself to feel your feelings. The things he did to earn your trust sound very good, BUT: It's perfectly ok to not trust someone, even if they're the best meaning person in the world. There is NO such thing as "having to trust more" or "having to trust someone". Trust is EARNED by the OTHER person through time and positive experiences. Your distrust is perfectly ok. It's a self-protective light you have, you don't have to make an effort to turn it off. You don't have to try and think that this man is a good man. If he is, time will give you that feeling. Sometimes people want to make us think that we're less than ok if we don't trust them. It's because THEY need us to trust them. We're perfectly ok even if we take a long time to trust someone. Noone can tell us how long it should take. Your feelings here are totally natural. I know how it feels to be with people I didn't know well and have to defer to them because I was afraid of making them angry. I wish you could be in a situation where you felt safe enough to say "I don't want to stay alone with your partner, Aunt" without rocking the whole boat with nowhere to fall back on. I know how it feels to not be at home, and have to defer to others because they're the ones in charge and I have to be "nice". I am NOT saying anything against your aunt or her boyfriend here. It's the situation that is not comfortable in itself for you, and the lack of choices. It's perfectly natural to feel very uncomfortable in this situation.

A thought that comes to mind: When I was your age, my mom left for the USA with my sister for 2 weeks and I was left alone at home with my father, and forced to take a vacation with him and share a hotel room with him. I remember how I blamed myself for my negative feelings about it, and only now I see how OK it was, how legitimate it was not to feel comfortable about it. The fact that I never had anyone around me to validate how I was feeling made me grow up thinking something was seriously wrong with me and my feelings. Nothing was wrong, it was just more comfortable for others to pretend something was wrong with my feelings than cope with their own limitations. I wish there had been at least ONE person back in my childhood to tell me my feelings were all right.

I hope you could get some sleep during the day?

I pray that your life brings you a situation where you have more choices and where you feel safe enough to say "NO" to things you don't want. Right now, you're doing the best one can do, given the circumstances. Arwen is right, this is not something you should be having to cope with after all you've had to go through already. Indeed, do you have some Social Worker?

What are your plans for the future? Are you going to work or study or something?

When I was your age I was studying English very intensively, I wanted to become a teacher, to earn my own money and flee my family. It took 4 years, then I did. (you can see I learned English in the end, hehe).

When I first arrived in Israel I went to college and had a room in the dorms. We had to do monthly night shifts patrolling with a lamp and a walkie-talkie (me and my roommate) to guard the campus from possible terrorist intruders. I was scared to death walking around campus during the night, two girls with a lamp and a walkie-talkie in the cold of Jerusalem nights (college is up on the highest hill), and we didn't even know the language here. That's when I was told you can relax by dawn, because at dawn nothing bad can happen anymore. I always remember that when I'm afraid at night. So I hope you can grab some sleep tonight, at least from dawn...

Hope I haven't bored you too much with my stories...:-)

Have a good night !

June 8, 2003
4:14 pm
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I see we posted at the same time, so disregard the question about the social worker. 🙂

June 8, 2003
4:39 pm
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hi mafi, you didnt bore me at all. im sorry you went throught similar things, i couldnt do that walking around in the night tho, wow, you got where you wanted to in life, did what you wanted and you worked hard for it, bet your prode of yourself, i know i would be, im glad you understand me a way, it helps me feel im not alone, i didnt sleep during the day much because of going out, i understand what your saying about trust, but its gonna be hard for me to trust any one again, every one i see or feel weary of i back of, and thats why college was hard for me, i do want to go back, i really do, but im scared to, i want to be a intertper for the deaf, do all the sigh language, i want to do art to, i really enjoy art and am good at it, i want to wore with disable people to give them hope and allow them to enjoy life and do new things, i will do this things one day, when i dont know, but i do really want to go back to college, in a way i miss not going to college haging out with my mates but i know how scared i'll be and that there would be new faces there and i would just find it hard, i am thinking of going back tho, thanks for praying that i have more choices in life, but i dont think i will ever feel safe, where ever i am,

it would be great tho if i could chance things make every thing btter the way i want it, i would have my dad back with out his heart promblem, cure my sis of illness and for me to have never gone throught any thing, and be ok with my self, and have a loving family for ever, hey i can hope,

mafi look after your self, onight i worked out if i push my bed or some thing on the door so no one can get in, i might feel better and sleep a bit more, i really need to sleep tho, i feel ill, and its not good for me to not sleep but my aunt will be home tomorrow morning 11 30, so hoply i will be able to sleep when she gets back, i still dont thing i will sleep tho, there still that part of me that is saying what if,

hows your day been,

June 8, 2003
4:42 pm
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mafi im sorry for the mistakes,

June 8, 2003
4:57 pm
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Last night I was thinking about pushing something to cover the door, but I thought you might think it was a weird idea, so I didn't suggest it...LOL (I still think it's a good idea, though).

I really hope you feel a bit stronger soon and can go back to college. It would be so good for you, in every sense ! It would eventually give you the independence to have your own home, and be master of your life... I feel so much in charge in my little palace ! I haven't even told my family where I live, which makes me feel so much better. I don't feel proud of myself, never thought I had anything to feel proud of, thanks for telling me that. I mostly hear from people all that is not "good enough" in me. Hey, I think you've made my day 🙂 I tend to forget how all the odds were so against me, with such an abusive and poor childhood in a tiny poor third-world country, and how I made it to the big world on my own, everything always on my own (the only help at all I got from my parents was they paid for my English language education, and said that was the only thing they'd ever give me and that should help me not die from destitution).

Your plans sound just wonderful. Teaching sign-language is awesome ! An acquaintance of mine does that. It's very fulfilling. What kind of art do you practise?

June 8, 2003
5:21 pm
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hi mafi glad i made your day, you really should be prode of your self no matter what any one says, you did it, thats what inportant,

pushing something against the door does make sence, i wouldnt thought you were weird tho, the art i pracise in is fine art, i like that best, not sure why just do, may be one day i will get every thing i want in life, working with diseable people and teaching and interperting sigh language just seem some thing i really want to do, i want to make a differents to people, when i was a little kid i wanted to a police woman, and fly a plane,

mafi isten to your own heart, hear whats he telling you to do, your heart is the most powerful part of you and can hurt you as well as love and care for you, never let you family but you down, your doing great, glad i made you smile,

im of to bed now so night again, wish me luck that i can forget whats going through my head and get some sleep, pushng some thing against the door may help i think,

night mafi

June 8, 2003
8:17 pm
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Hey Boland,

If you can't talk to your social worker, I understand. Man, you think your worker is going to back you up, and the next thing you know they have totally betrayed your trust. Unfortunately, it's kind of a job hazard for us...

I think your counselor could objectively listen to your fears and discomforts, and know that it's not about you being unsafe, necessarily, but that you are still trying to deal with all the hard things that have happened in the past. Has anyone talked to you about Post Traumatic Stress? Just because the attack is in the past doesn't mean you won't still feel the effects of it today. And no one, especially your counselor and social worker, could blame you for feeling afraid in your situation. Lots of things can trigger memories of painful experiences because of the way our brains store information. It's okay to be afraid. It's normal.

I read the things you say, hear your story, and it makes me wish for you to have a safe place where you can be free from stress and fear. Where you can be a kid and let someone take care of you and your sis instead of you doing all the care-giving. It's too much responsibility for someone your age, but you handle yourself so well. I hope you will get your turn to be young someday, though.

I'll be keeping you and your sis in my prayers.

Arwen

June 9, 2003
11:39 am
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hi all, mafi and Arwen
hope you have a gooed week both, my aunt came home just after 12, so my sis has been busy signing away to me about shes done, she enjoyed her self tho, shes sleeping at the moment,
im so glad they are home tho,

mafi hope you are ok, i never did go to sleep in the end, i did push some thing against the door, but i just didnt feel right still, my aunts bf lefted at 6am this morning to work, so i did get some sleep in the end, before my aunt and sis got home,have a good day mafi and stay strong,

Arwen, hope you have a good day to and are ok, i do all the things i do for my sis because i want to and have to she is my sis and she needs me and i need her, im use to taking care of my sis any way ive done it sence i was 6,
my counseler, i can talk to but some times i just want to tell her to go away, but the good thing is, she isnt allowed to talk about any thing i say to any one else, unlike my social worker, your job sounds hard,
no one talks about any thing with me, thats the promlem, no no has said any thing about pt stress im ok tho, i just need time alone now and again and im ok, hey im normal, first time i hear that,

didnt take long for my aunt to do her checks on what ive eatten have i took my med every day, hey, i missed that, even tho i never had it before living with mum, i missed not being told or asked, silly i know, my aunts great tho,

have a great day everyone,

June 9, 2003
2:24 pm
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POEMS: WHERE THE SHADOWS DO NOT FALL

Sometimes you take things for granted
that you should never take for granted.
And sometimes you pretend that everything is OK
and that one day you will emerge
from the darkness and the sun will shine as it used to.

And sometimes you eagerly sacrifice
a part of yourself, in order to feed
from whatever sunlight is offered.

And one day you realise that
just around the corner in the place
where the shadows do not fall,
there is so much sunlight that it hurts your eyes
because you never thought it could be so bright.

And it's like seeing the sun for the first time.
And seeing that it always shines, warm and friendly.
And all you have to do to get some of that sun
is take a few small steps and hold out your arms.

hope you liked it i read in a book, made sence to me today, things have sort of all came to one big place in my head that have made me think, and in a way see things different, im not sure why either,

June 11, 2003
4:19 pm
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hi, mafi hope your ok, and things are going ok for you, miss you these last few days, worryed about you, are you ok? i was gonna start a new tread called mafi are you out there, but i thought you might not like that so i post it on here, thanks for all your avice mafi,

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