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I'm Really Upset
June 22, 2007
11:06 pm
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bonita1
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It is true. He admitted it to me because I was determined to find out the truth. He got on his knees in front of me and cried for my forgiveness.

What chilled my blood was that she told me that he had molested her ever since she could remember and it continued until she was 16!! I was horrified and sick at heart. Even though she did not disclose the molestation until she was 21 and a college grad, it destroyed me and destroyed our family. I divorced him because it was the only thing to do. It was the right thing to do. I could not respect myself if I stayed with him the way that he wanted me to. He didn't want to lose his family he said. I told him that the minute that he touched my daughter in lust, that was the minute that he lost, destroyed and pulverized his family.

Let me tell you the aftershocks of this disaster really messed up my mind. Everything I believed in was topsy-turvy. I believed marriage should last forever. I believed in fidelity. I believed that a father should care for his children the way that God, the Father cared for his children. I was raised Catholic and I believed that there could be no divorce, that God hated divorce. I felt as if my whole world had shifted and I was in one of those "Fun Houses" they have at carnivals, the ones that have a floor that slants and is surrounded by mirrors that make you too dizzy to walk straight.

Surprisingly, it took a caring priest to open up my cage and set me free. He was the one who supported me in kicking my husband out of the house, legally, through the courts. He was instrumental in getting the judge to believe that my husband molested my daughter. Thank God, I was granted full legal and physical custody of my two little girls.

In the beginning, my eldest daughter did seek counseling and she began taking medication for depression. While she was married, she worked two jobs, her husband had one job and they were trying to start a business in pressure washing concrete. Financial problems and insufficient time together just to have fun, created the scenario for failure.

After a her marriage failed, she and my grandson moved back with me and have been living with me for almost two years. After her divorce was final, she lost her health insurance (it was her husband's) and she just stopped working, stopped caring, started going out every weekend (kind of like Britney Spears but only with underwear)and she started behaving very irresponsibly with my grandson.

She used to be a foster mom because she wanted to help other children be safe and away from abusive homes.

Now it seems as if all she thinks about is having fun while I support her with a roof over her head and everything else necessary to help her raise her son.

I love my grandson, I don't want him to suffer.

June 22, 2007
11:11 pm
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bonita1
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My therapist says that I need to let go of the guilt. She said that I need to go through the grief.

June 22, 2007
11:13 pm
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bonita1
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Mourning the loss of codependence.

June 22, 2007
11:35 pm
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bonita1
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No, I don't believe that she goes out of her way to feel guilty. After she first disclosed the molestation, I remember talking to her and asking for her forgiveness for not protecting her from her bio dad.

She told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because I didn't do anything to her. He was the one who molested her.

But, even though my mind tells me that I should not feel guilty, I know that at some deeper level I still do and that is why I used to tell her that she always had a home with me, that she was back where she belonged. Why would I do that if not for guilt?????

June 22, 2007
11:37 pm
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bonita1
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I meant that she doesn't go out of her way to make me feel guilty.

June 22, 2007
11:39 pm
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bonita1
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Unless, her acting irresponsibly is in order to manipulate me into feeling guilty?

June 23, 2007
8:02 am
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risingfromtheashes
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well, I think you should separate the situations.

Her acting irresponsibly is probably a direct result of the molestation. In that, she was robbed of her childhood. And now she continues to act like a child...she has regressed.

Second - she acts irresponsibly because SHE CAN. She knows she has you to back her up...to be there for her and her son...to be there to clean up her mess and pick up the pieces.

She knows she has a safety net with you.

I do think what you are doing is out of guilt...perhaps wanting to protect her now from any more hurt.

But all you are doing is giving her the time, energy and space to pull her stunts...to act irresponsibly.

If she had her son and was alone, she would have to work, she would have to come home at night at a reasonable hour, she would have to pay a sitter (who wouldn't tolerate the crap you do)....she would have to step up to the plate. OR risk her son being taken away from her...which I doubt she would let happen.

Here's the thing...while I didn't overly abuse the privelege, I had a similar situation.

My mom always lived close to me...either with me, next to me or within a few miles of me.

When my daughter was born, my mom was thrilled, second chance at parenthood, without all the headaches...spoil the child, send it home to mom.

Well, mom was always more than glad to babysit....so, I was always glad to LET HER...lol. I sound like I was doing her a favor...lol.

But I wasn't. I was taking advantage of her hospitality.

Over the years...it got to the point where the line between who was mom got blurred...she spent as much time with my mom as with me. I came and went as I pleased and just knew that my mom would be around, handy and in charge.

Now, this went on for almost 13 years.

Then by circumstance, we both moved far away from eachother.

For the FIRST time since my daughter was born...I finally feel like a mom....cuz I don't have that other person to fall back on. I have to be mom ALL the time. I can't just run the roads when I want. And in return, my relationship with my daughter is STRONGER...because now I am her only focus.

I think there was some guilt on my mom's part...that she didn't protect me from my dad's verbal abuse or emotional abuse...but more that she wasn't "present" during my childhood...due to her depression.

It is WAY too easy to be too available...to want the best for your grandson, so you step in and take over when you think your daughter is failing.

But just like when you became a new mom....we all have to make our mistakes and learn from them. How else WILL we learn.

Your daughter WAS fending for herself....you made it easy for her to stop trying.

And on many levels, it probably eased some of your guilt.

You can't protect her from the world anymore...she is a big girl and can fend for herself. And she WILL protect her son as well.

I really do agree with counselor that the best route is to get them out on their own two feet.

Otherwise, you are just hurting her by holding her back from becoming a responsible adult.

If she doesn't have you to fall back on, to clean up her mess, she will be more careful about making them.

June 23, 2007
8:00 pm
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bonita1
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"Your daughter WAS fending for herself....you made it easy for her to stop trying.

And on many levels, it probably eased some of your guilt."

Oh, my gosh!! You are right! I was trying to figure out why she seemed to have turned into a changeling child... I made it too easy for her to be comfortable at the level she's at. I can picture her living here with me and my grandson being thirteen and being more of a mom to him than his own mother.

As it is, I already send him to take a shower at night and to go to bed at a decent hour. If I don't my daughter stays glued to her laptop and my grandson stays up until midnight or later, happily playing with his toys or watching a Disney movie.

Wow. She will never leave will she? She will stay and stay at that stunted level where she has REGRESSED!

But, I don't know if I am strong enough to be consistent, and firm with any follow through. I have given her deadlines in the past of when she should be out of the house with her own place.

I feel weak and afraid.

June 25, 2007
10:58 am
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risingfromtheashes
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bonita...are you afraid of being alone?

perhaps you hold on to her because of that fear (on top of the guilt)?

July 1, 2007
9:20 pm
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bonita1
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About a week ago I told my daughter that while she was home for the summer and not working (her part time job is only for the academic school year)that I expected her to keep the house tidy and the sink dish free.

Well, a day or two later, she packed her back pack and her son and took off with one of her girlfriends who said, "Something like that," when I asked if they were going camping.

Fast forward to yesterday evening when my ex son in law called me to say that my daughter with two of her girl friends had just dropped off my grandson for his visitation. They had just driven in from Las Vegas and when my son-in-law opened the car door to get his son an empty beer bottle fell out of the car.

I told him to do what he had to do to keep my grandson safe. If he needed to seek legal counsel to get physical custody of my grandson, then thats what he needed to do.

I am not going to stand in the way of the consequences of her irresponsibility. I am not covering for her. Not when her behaviour is endangering my grandson.

July 1, 2007
9:39 pm
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bonita1
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rising,

I hold on to her because I am codependent. My therapist said that I must go through the grieving process and mourn the loss of codependence.

This is ridiculously contradictory I thought. But apparently it happens. My therapist explained it this way:

Once adult children begin a life of recovery from addiction and begin to embrace a lifestyle in which they work, attend school, borrow less money from their family, display moral responsibility, and pursue goals, codependent parents initially are very happy. But then they may find rising within themselves new feelings of resentment at the "LOSS" of their child.

Why? Because as the adult child becomes healthier and takes back more and more autonomy, the parent realizes that they are no longer needed as much and that they can no longer control his or her life. Yeah, the parent may have attempted to control their adult child's life when they were in the midst of drug addiction or alcoholism and found it impossible to stop him or her from using drugs or drinking. Yet the codependent parent still tried to control some aspects of his or her life (by giving or withholding money etc.)

Once in recovery, the adult child's need for the parent decreases. Soon the parent discovers that they need their child more than she needs them. They need to be needed. Life was so involved with helping their child, in rescuing her. Now it is no longer the case and there is a hole in their lives.

That's why the loss of codependent behaviour is a real loss and must be mourned.

I never knew this and it seems hard to swallow.

July 1, 2007
10:09 pm
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bonita1
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Right now, I don't like my daughter very much. Or rather I should say, I don't like her behaviour and I don't want to see it.

July 3, 2007
4:07 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Bonita,

Long time no talk to...

I will share a bit of my family history and you can take from it what may help you.

My Dad has a twin sister. My Dad has eleven children, I am right smack in the middle - five ahead, five behind. My Dad (and Mom too) were strict with us, yet, we knew we were loved. However, something my Dad would say when we were at the age of 18 and heading off to college - which by the way, we either had scholarships either full or partial, and paid our own way for anything else not covered under our scholarships. Anyway my Dad would say "once you leave here, the door to this house does NOT revolve." Now - did I believe that? Sure, to a point. I know had I ever really been in dire straights, I would never have gone hungry or homeless; but, you had better believe there would have been a sit-down between Pop and I and a definitive time line and budget set up as to when I would have been vacating my reclaimed room. Now, my oldest brother - after he caught his wife in her fourth affair, did move home with his son - for a very short amount of time because as I said a plan was formed.

My Dad's twin sister, is very ill - she has Parkinson's, and it is progressed to the point where she has to have a neck brace on at all times to even be able to eat. She has her daughter living back at home, paying no rent, with her three kids and she stays out all night with her boyfriend. Kind of like your daughter from what you describe. She also has her GRAND-DAUGHTER living there (her son's daughter) - who is living there with her five children, by five different fathers - who also goes out partying all the time leaving my Aunt and Uncle to care for all of these children.

Recently, my Dad told me of a conversation that they had and she asked him "Big Z - how is it none of your kids never take over your house, home, life and push all of their responsibilities off on you?"

His reply: "I don't let them. I would not tolerate it, actually, I flat out would not do that - therefore, they know they have to do what they have to do to survive." But the ULTIMATE statement that he made was "I don't let them."

Therein lies your answer.

Much love,

Z.

July 5, 2007
1:50 am
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bonita1
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Wow, Zinnie,

He didn't let them. When you were telling your story I thought that you were going to say that her daughter is back at home living rent free but that she is caring for her mother. Boy, was I ever wrong.

Also, she is so ill and everybody seems to be leeching off of her. That is terrible.

My daughter has not been back to the house to stay since I told her to keep the house tidy and the sink free of dishes. She has been staying with one of her girlfriends. However, I texted her today telling her that I would still need the rent money by the 9th since that is her payday. She still has her sh*t here at my house so even though she is not physically present, her stuff is here and she needs to step up and pay her rent which is a minimal amount.

Well, I never received a reply from her. But, I will let you all know when the 9th comes rolling around and she pays or not...

July 5, 2007
1:52 am
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bonita1
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Zinnie,

BTW it was so nice to hear from you again. Yes, it has been quite a while, hasn't it?

Thanks for your words of wisdom.

bonbon

July 7, 2007
8:30 pm
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bonita1
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bump

July 7, 2007
9:22 pm
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fantas
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Bonita, Zinnie is right on. Your daughter knows that you are liable to cave in and she has decided to through a major tantrum by going off with her friends without a word to you. People don't even do that at the y, let a lone their mother's house. I agree that the ex should hold on to the baby. He may be the only chance of stability that child has. What do you think will happen should your daughter decide not to pay her rent? Make sure the consequences are clear to her. Otherwise, she may just come back and seriously guilt trip you into letting her back. All the best.

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