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I'm out of control
November 6, 2004
8:08 pm
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jewel
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I am glad that you are doing well. Just stay busy. That is the best way to avoid picking up that drink. Do you have any buddies that aren't into drinking? Maybe you could get together with them. I know when I don't want to drink(I have a problem drinker), the more I do and keep busy, the less chance of me relapsing.

November 6, 2004
8:12 pm
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wireless_tech
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Thats part of the problem is that I dont have any friends that dont drink. During the day its ok, but come nighttime, I start to get restless, and I want to go out.

November 6, 2004
8:12 pm
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wireless_tech
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Thats part of the problem is that I dont have any friends that dont drink. During the day its ok, but come nighttime, I start to get restless, and I want to go out.

November 6, 2004
8:19 pm
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jewel
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Wireless,

I know what you mean. I drink in the evening when I do so gettng through the day is not hard. Evenings are pretty hard for me. Just stay busy and be strong.

Jewel

November 6, 2004
8:45 pm
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workinonit
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I have the same problem with my friends. Most are drinkers but some are moderate drinkers and I try to stay in touch with them

The going out at night thing is why I am so glad to have my online classes! I can't help but be too busy for going out and if I do go out it has to be some good reason because I will work even harder to get there!!

I have this theory about alcohol. You see, we get this manic energy and we don't know how to focus it so we try to calm it down with a drink. The problem is, one leads to more. So, I think the trick is to find a different initial action. Like, writing, or painting, or music or teA!! I have calmed the drinking way down though since breaking away from my ex. Now, it is more social or only one or two in an evening. Being aware of it is half the battle!

November 7, 2004
3:32 am
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wireless_tech
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Hi, is anybody online right now? Id like to talk right now.

November 7, 2004
3:40 am
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SweetAmanda
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Heya Wireless.

November 7, 2004
3:45 am
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SweetAmanda
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Wireless,

What's up? Is anything new? Are you doing alright Hun? I wonder how long ago you posted... (Makes me wish there was a timestamp or something) Well, *Hugs* and I'll be on looking around for a little bit if you wanna talk. =)

~Amanda~

November 7, 2004
3:46 am
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wireless_tech
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Hey amanda, im here

November 7, 2004
3:49 am
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wireless_tech
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You posted graduation on the word association thread. My word was acid. That was my association because the night my high school class was graduating, I was tripping on acid up north in the woods. I should have been graduating with them

November 7, 2004
3:52 am
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wireless_tech
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I went out for a while tonight with some friends. They offered me a line of coke, but I turned it down. One of them did a huge line off the counter, then we went to the bar and played pool. They were drinking and getting trashed, but I didnt drink at all. Didnt want to. Still had fun though

November 7, 2004
4:14 am
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wireless_tech
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She called me again today. She talked to me a few day ago sobbing telling me that she wanted to come back to me. I cant just take her back just at the drop of a hat. I told her we needed to talk a lot of things out first before I made a decision. Well it had to wait until the weekend because she is 2 hours away. So we talked yesterday morning and I couldnt talk because I was busy at the moment. She said she was going to call back at 7:00. She never called. I was not offended that she didnt call, but it gave me the idea that she wasnt too serious about wanting to come back to me. So she calls this morning, and supposedly her battery was dead, then she went and got drunk with her mom. If was really serious about this, she would be finding a way to call when she said she would instead of be out drinking. Thats the way I think. Am I wrong?

November 7, 2004
4:19 am
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wireless_tech
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So I am supposed to go meet her tomorrow for lunch and we are going to talk. She is supposed to call in the morning. Im most likely not going to take her back. At least not at this point in time. I dont know why I am going out there to meet her, becasue I dont feel like I want to.

November 7, 2004
4:20 am
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wireless_tech
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I know I just shouldnt go. Thats what anybody would say. Im going to feel so relieved if she doesnt call, or if she says she cant make it.

November 7, 2004
4:27 am
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wireless_tech
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I wont be able to look at her the way I used to knowing that she has been with someone else. But I still love her and I still care deeply for her. When she finally left me, I tried to give her a second chance, and she turned it down. In reality, I was trying to get her to give me another chance, and she wouldnt. Now she wants me to give her another chance. I dont really want to give it to her. I have all the cards now. I know what I should do, but why am I having trouble doing it.

November 7, 2004
4:29 am
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wireless_tech
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I do love her still, and I think she is the one I really want to be with (dont ask me why) I cant take her back now after shes been with Josh. Not until I've had a chance to explore other relationships. Im not finding that to be an easy thing to do right now. Im in a rut.

November 7, 2004
4:34 am
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wireless_tech
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I guess Im talking to myself right now. Thats okay, at least I can get my thoughts out in front of me.

November 7, 2004
3:57 pm
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SweetAmanda
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Wireless,

I'm sorry that I left.

Tell me how your lunch went. Why do you think that she is 'the one for you'? Even after all that has happened?

I have a feeling that the whole thing will just begin again if you accept her back into your life. Sure, it may take a while longer, (what do they call that, a honeymoon period?) but I don't think that the cycle will stop. Unless you two really do try to work on things with a counselor, and she gets some serious medical attention for her illness and her addicitons. Sorry for being so negative...

(Hugs) ~Amanda~

November 7, 2004
6:47 pm
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wallace
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Wireless,

I read yout thread from beginning to end. I'm sorry that you have been so hurt in the past. Your warm and caring inner self shines through in your post. She has hurt you deeply, that is obvious, and you have not dealt with that hurt is also obvious. You say that you still love her. Being able to say that is a major step. In our lifetime, we will be able to count on one hand, two if we are really lucky, all the people that we will genuinely, unselfishly love during that time. And if we are really lucky, those people will love us back. Loving someone, I mean real genuine, unselfish love for another is a gift, both to those of us that harbor it and those that receive it. It can't be bought or sold, it just is. You are struggling to decide what to do. Rather than make such a big decision like whether to take her back or not-that sounds so final- do you feel srong enough just to be a rock for her while you work out whether or not to take her back? Just a few thoughts. Good luck.

November 7, 2004
11:03 pm
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wireless_tech
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Hey Amanda,

No worries. I was more or less just trying to put my thoughts in front of me. Lunch went well. I just got back. We had lunch and then went to a park nearby to talk for a couple of hours. Dont worry about being negative becasue you are voicing the same reservations that I already have. I havent made a decision yet, and when I do make it, it wil be when I am ready to. I cant really explain why I think that she is the one I really want to be with. When I look into her eyes, I feel a connection with her. When I am with her, it feels right. When I see her, I see a confused person with a good heart who has made a lot of mistakes. Ive made more than my share of mistakes. Maybe I just did explain it. I dont really know for sure. I do love her. That much I know.

November 7, 2004
11:09 pm
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wireless_tech
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Hi wallace,

I remember reading one of your threads a while back. I dont remember details, but I do remember that your ex acted in similar ways to the way I did. I have recongnized my patterns of behavior, and I think that is the first step. I will take steps to correct them, not for her nesescarily, but for myself and future relationships (whether with her or any other women)

What do you mean when you ask if I am strong enough to be a rock for her?

November 7, 2004
11:15 pm
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SweetAmanda
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Hello Wireless. I'm online now. =) I will be reading your post...

~Amanda~

November 7, 2004
11:16 pm
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wireless_tech
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Hi there amanda

November 7, 2004
11:19 pm
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southgoingzax
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Hi wireless,

What's going on? Anything new happen? Listen, the fact that she didn't call you when she said she would is CLEARLY a RED FLAG. She was the one who lied to you and screwed you over - she should be totally kissing ass and doing everything she says she will do. Hell yes, she should have found a way to call you! It sounds like she is still the same person, and if she is still addicted to painkillers, how could you ever hope to have a healthy relationship with her?

You said you felt guilty about not "being there as a friend". Really? Because she certainly was no friend to you, and sometimes the best thing to do for a friend is to tell them, "Hey. You really screwed up. You really did some emotional damage, and I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I have not forgiven you. I can't let you back in to my life". Or whatever.

Of course, this is your choice, of course you know more than I what you want and don't want in your relationships, in your life. But ask yourself what will really be different this time, if you take her back? Yes, her illness is probably scaring her and that's too bad, it really is. But she does have some family around right? They should be helping her through this, not you.

I am not in a hosipitable mood tonight, sorry. I really hope you're doing well.

ZAX

November 7, 2004
11:19 pm
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art angel
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Hey Wireless and Amanda!

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