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I'm out of control
November 2, 2004
8:52 pm
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Anonymous
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Wireless,

I'm sure you can and I'll be right along with you sending you strength and support! You are very lucky. Believe me, you do not want to be in jail. I'm so thankful that did not happen. About her calling? Can you just block her or something? I know this is tearing you up. And I do understand!! I've been there.
Just know you are and will continue to be in my heart. Starbucks sounds good right about now!!!

Hugs,

Sunny

November 2, 2004
10:11 pm
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wireless_tech
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Hey Sunny,

Just got back from voting. Never voted before. Kinda made me feel good about myself. Now I have to go work.

Im not too worried about jail - Ive been there before. Prison is where I dont wnt to end up.

Her calling is really not tearing me up. If it was I would be answering the phone. She called 6 times in 15 minutes just now. I dont want to talk to her. She left another message on my home line saying she can take a hint. She started crying on the message. I dont feel bad at all. She deserves it, because she did about 500 times worse to me.

Starbucks would be nice. I havent been back to that same one in weeks. Ive been working and drinking. Of course now that Im not going to be drinking for a while, Ill probably have more spare time.

I know Ive been whining about wanting to stop drinking for a while, but Im really serious about this. The other night was kind of a turning point for me I think. I dont feel the same way I have right now (about losing her and being lonely and feeling sorry for myself blah blah blah) Im seriously going to work to turn over a new leaf. Ive been wasting time feeling sorry for myself, and life has been passing me by. Life is too short.

I have to go to work now. I have a really long night. I have three sites to complete before 5:00 am, and I have to run all around town and back. I'll check in when I get home. I always do. Hopefully Ill have some encouraging posts waiting for me. You guys are all awesome!

- wireless

November 2, 2004
10:23 pm
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jewel
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Hi wireless,

Quitting drinking is a very hard battle. I have been struggling to quit myself. Some days seem easier than others. What I did find out(at least for me) is that I handle things a lot better when I am sober. When I was having some problems with my boyfriend, I noticed that was when I was drinking heavier than usual. I slowed down on the drinking and our relationship is going very good again. Drinking just seems to cause even more problems than you originally have. I am glad to hear that you want to quit drinking and get your life back on track. Your absolutely right about life being too short. Time just flys right by. As far as quitting drinking, maybe you could make a list of all the negative things that alcohol does to you. And of all the things you could lose. When you have the desire to drink, get your list out and hopefully that will stop you from having that first drink. I think I will do that right now in fact. I am really struggling too and right now sobriety is where I need to keep my focus. Otherwise everything in my life will go to shit. I hope this helps you some.

Jewel

November 2, 2004
10:35 pm
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Anonymous
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Wireless,

I'll be here if you need to talk. I'm really proud of you and I know you won't see this until later, but I CARE! Don't you ever forget that!

Hugs!

Sunny

November 2, 2004
10:38 pm
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CAMER
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Hi Wireless...glad you are turning over a new leaf..and yes, life does go by too quickly, so enjoy it!!! Glad that you didn't pick up the phone when "she" called, that is a strong point that you do have, you are not sinking into feeling sorry for her when she started crying. Just keep focus on all of YOUR goals and things you want in life, and go out and get them...enjoy life, and keep a good attitude...just from talking with you, I am sure things in your life will work out fine..and ps...good luck with your stopping of the drinking...go have a starbucks!! much better!!!

(((hugs from camer))))

November 3, 2004
12:15 am
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wireless_tech
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Hi all,

Im at the office right now. Had a few minutes because some of my work got cancelled for tonight.

Thanks for the encouragement. Thats really awesome. Its not going to be that hard for me to stop drinking. Notice I didnt say "quit" drinking, because thats not what Im going for. Im just trying to get it back under control.

Shes called me at least twenty times tonight. I dont know how many times she has tried my other cell phone.
Its kind of funny that I thought for a second about calling to check my messages on my home phone, because thats what I would normally do, but Im not going to because I dont really care.

YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Oh.... excuse me.

I think I made it!

Im gonna go to work now

November 3, 2004
12:30 am
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art angel
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wireless,
so glad you're feeling strong and optimistic. hugs****
from,
art angel

November 3, 2004
5:40 pm
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wireless_tech
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Hey all,

She is still calling today. She called my cell and my home phone a total of ten times so far. she left three crying messages on my voice mail. She said why she wants to talk to me so bad. Basically she wants to cry on my shoulder. She found out that her endometriosis has spread up into her chest, all the way to the bottom of her heart. She said "ok, your going to make me show up at your front door to talk to you arent you you?" She expects me to be compassionate, caring, and understanding, the way I always was when I was with her. I always helped her deal with her illness, never let her feel bad for being sick. Where shes at now, she supposedly doesnt get the kind of compassion that I used to give her. She made a big mistake by leaving me for this fucking loser who doesnt know how to treat her right.

What am I supposed to do? Should I talk to her and be a friend? Should I let her cry on my shoulder? I dont want to talk to her right now because I have mixed emotions. I am really fucking pissed now about what she did. But at the same time I still feel love for her and care about her very much. When I talk to her, I am reminded of this. Hearing her voice all sweet, hearing her say how much she misses me, hearing her say how unhappy she is. Thats why I dont want to talk to her. Because I getthe urge to want her back. And also right now, I dont have anything nice to say. I dont want to start screaming at her.

I guess Im asking for advice, should I talk to her and give her a shoulder to cry on? Or should I continue not taking her calls, and keep her shut out? Should I be a friend? I guess I know the answer - I should not talk to her. Her problems are her problems, they are not mine. But I do still feel love for her, and I want to be a friend, even though it burns me up that she is with this guy. I going around in circles

November 3, 2004
5:48 pm
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WT,

My hope for you is that you can set her free, and find yourself.

Do you have a plan in place for how you are going to cope when you encounter a powerful urge to drink? In order to have success, it is important to put a safety plan in place!

Hang tough!!!

Ren'ai

November 3, 2004
5:58 pm
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bubishi76
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Bro,
I know mine hasn't left me for another guy. However, I would love for her to end up on my doorstep. I know we all have different feelings and different factors surrounding our relationships. I just wonder that at times, somethings gotta give.

November 3, 2004
6:18 pm
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wireless_tech
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Hi, and thanks Ren'ai,

Thank you for the concern. I dont have a plan in place for wanting to drink - I dont need one. I dont want to drink, so Im not going to. Last night, I ended up getting done with work really early (unfortunately. When I dont work, I dont get paid!) If I had the urge to, I could have still gone to the bar and gotten wasted. I didnt want to.

Hey B,

That would be cool if she showed up at your doorstep. Its good to hear that there is still a chance for you two. I dont want my ex to show up at my doorstep though. I dont want to want to take her back. She left me for another guy, she fucked me over, she lied, cheated, disrespected.... dont get me started. I know she has slept with this guy, and that alone is a deal-breaker. I wont take her back. BUt when I talk to her, I get the urge to want her back in my life. I cant let that happen, and thats why I wont talk to her right now

November 3, 2004
6:22 pm
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bubishi76
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Hey Bro,
That's cool. I'll respect you on that if that's what you want. Keep strong then bro. She made her bed. now she has to lie in it. You doin' alright??

November 3, 2004
6:22 pm
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wireless_tech
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And the shitty part is that I told her that I would always be there for her as a friend. She needs a friend right now. So Im going back on my word. But she has lied and broken so many promises to me. Why should I feel bad for doing the same? Its because Im not the type of person who does that.

November 4, 2004
3:19 am
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wireless_tech
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Alright everybody. I sure hope some of you are online right now. Its midnight pacific, and I just got home from work.

While I was driving to my job site, she called over and over and over again. (about 20 times) I wouldnt answer it. She sent me a text message: "I want to come home please i will call in the am answer please"
Right after I read the message, she called again. I answered it. we talked for a bit, I could hardly understand what she was saying, becasue she was crying and shivering so bad (she was outside and shes on the coast) She said that she has made the single biggest mistake of her life, and she wants to come back. She told me a little more about her sickness. She had another ultrasound this week, and her endometriosis has spread bad, and attached to most of her organs. They said that she is bleeding internally. Shes is afraid she may be dying. I dont know whats going on, and I dont know what to believe about her condition unless I hear from a doctor. She says that she does not want to die without me. She is scared. She thinks I will say no, and she knows she doesnt deserve another chance. I didnt tell her no. I didnt tell her yes. I told her that we have to talk a lot of things over before I make a decision.

Just when I finally completely let go, and decide not to talk to her, she decides that she wants me back. She is scared, seriously ill, and may be dying. I do still have strong feelings for her. I care deeply for her, and I do still love her. Thats why I stopped taking her calls.

What should I do? What you do? Should I let her come back? Should tell her she is shit out of luck? She said that if I said yes right now, she would be waiting and ready to go.

November 4, 2004
4:36 am
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wireless_tech
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Anybody? I know everybody is probably asleep. Its 1:30 am, so 4:30 on the east coast. Maybe someone will be up soon. Im nocturnal. Im always awake all night, and sleep most of the day. This is a serious thing. I have a huge decision to make.

One time she called earlier this afternoon while I was out getting a bite to eat, I answered, and she sounded glad I did, instead of mad that I was avoiding her calls. I told her I cant talk now, Id call her back later, and she sounded diappointed. Then later at around 10:00 is when she sent me the text meassge, and I talked to her.

I just dont know what to do. I do love her still. I dont know how to learn to trust her, and Im not sure if I can get past the thought of her sleeping with Josh.

November 4, 2004
4:46 am
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wireless_tech
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I tried to give her a second chance, and she turned it down. For months she strung me along saying she was going to come back, but she didnt. Now that she thinks she is dying she wants me back. Why? "I dont want to die without you" What does that tell you? I cant figure it out. Does that mean that she truly does love me, or that she does want to die alone, or with someone she doesnt really care about, or someone that doesnt treat her right? Im pretty confused at the moment. I told her that we would definately have to talk things out before I made a decision, and we could probably get together this weekend and have a talk. She said she would probably go stay at her moms till then, because she doesnt think she can stay with Josh till then. Thats when she told me that if I told her yes, she would be waiting in the middle of the street for me to get there.

Damn! Just last night I was so happy because I had finally let go, and now she has to put this on me. It never ends. Its really sucks to love someone.

November 4, 2004
5:39 am
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wireless_tech
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You are right twinks. Its not a life threatening disease, it can mostly just cause a lot of pain. She does have the most severe case most doctors have seen. I dont think she is dying, she does though. And like I said, I dont know what I can believe unless I hear it from a doctor.

I think its the co-dependent part of me that is considering letting her come back. She is really scared right now, and Im want to play the rescuer that will step in and save and protect her.

November 4, 2004
6:43 am
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wireless_tech
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Sitting here thinking this over, I think I see whats going on.

When I stopped taking her calls she kept calling over and over and over. When I still didnt take her calls, she realized that it was finally over, that I wasnt sitting here wanting haer back any more. That scared her. I think she was going along thinking that any time she felt like it she could come waltzing back, and the door would be wide open for her.

November 4, 2004
6:47 am
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CAMER
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hey Wireless...yes, she wants you to rescue her....well why the hell did she sleep with Josh in the 1st place???? She sounds like she may be giving you the lovey dovey words to want you to take her back...but the question is, will she be honest, can you trust her, will she sleep around again??? maybe cuz Josh isn't doing it for her she wants you back now.

Wow, you have alot on your plate Wireless....you have come so far and
now her tears and sad stories may be reeling you back to her.

ONe thing, do not rescue her, she is an adult..if you can HONESTLY say that you love her, I mean LOVE her!!!!and can trust her, etc...then the choice is yours. But don't rescue her, she is an adult and yes she chose to let you go & screw around with Josh.

Hope you are feeling ok today, be strong, be proud....cuz I am proud of you for all the strength that you have shown

November 4, 2004
7:28 am
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wireless_tech
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Thanks Camer, your words mean a lot.

When I talked to her last night, my response was guarded, and my first instinct was not to run to her rescue. If it had been, she would be here right now. I cant just drop everything and run for her. There was a time when I would have. I would have done anything for her. Literally anything. I would have cut off my left foot and handed it to her if she really needed it. Sounds sick and twisted. Of course she would never need my left foot, but thats what I mean when I say I would have done anything for her.

After we officialy broke up, I tried for weeks to give her a second chance. I waited around like a fool for her to make the decision to come back to me. I put the ball in her court. When it came down to it, she made the decision not to. Now she put the ball back into my court, and Im the one making the decision. How much is it going to hurt her if I tell her no? Hopefully pretty bad. Ive had a lot of bad things happen in my life, but she has hurt me almost as bad as anybody ever has. I consider myself a strong person in pretty much every area of life, except when it comes to my heart. That is my weakness

November 5, 2004
12:11 am
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wireless_tech
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Im getting buried!

November 5, 2004
12:15 am
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Anonymous
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Wireless,

Not if you choose not to, right?

Sunny

November 5, 2004
12:17 am
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wireless_tech
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lol,

No, I mean my thread

November 5, 2004
12:17 am
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wireless_tech
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lol,

No, I mean my thread

November 5, 2004
12:29 am
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Anonymous
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You think so? Why? Someone did respond!

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