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I'm out of control
November 1, 2004
7:53 pm
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wireless_tech
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I am out control. Ive seen it coming. Now I think Im there. Im going to stop drinking for a while. Im doing really stupid shit.

I was drinking all day yesterday. Me and a friend were out at a few different bars. We drove by an abandoned house up on a hill. We parked across the street and walked up to the house to try and break in. My friend broke a window, but it was boarded from the inside. I tore off a board that was nailed across the front door, and we took turns trying to kick the door in. We gave up and started walking down the hill, when we got swarmed by about 10 cops. I almost went to jail last night. They cited us and released us. So we left and drank some more, and found another abandoned house to break into. We didnt get caught at this one. I was drunk driving all over the place. While the truck was parked across the street from the first house, somebody put a dent in my company truck and cracked the windshield.

I am being incredibly wreckless and irresponsible. I dont like it. Im neglecting my responsibilities. If I keep going the way Im going Im going to end up in jail, losing my job, throwing away my career. Ive lost enough. Im not a loser. Really Im not. I keep getting the urge to blame this all on my ex, but I know I cant. If she wouldnt have left, things would be different. But she did leave, and I know Im better off without her, but I still feel horrible about it. I was ready to go and slash her boyfriend's throat the other night while I was really drunk, but some friends calmed me down and talked me out of it. I dont like the person Im becoming. Im lonely and angry.

I have to stop drinking, at least for now. I cant fuck myself over like this.

November 1, 2004
7:56 pm
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workinonit
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wireless, why don't you check out a program? It seems like lots of men do this when they are lonely or without a significant other. Funny, I do it when I have one!

Unhappiness no matter what, is difficult. Don't beat yourself up just do something about it and for yourself!!!

Good luck sweetie, you are a good guy, don't ruin that for yourself.

November 1, 2004
7:58 pm
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mj
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Time to check out AA if you think you need a change. Good LUCK. It has worked for lots of people.

November 1, 2004
8:03 pm
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wireless_tech
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Ive been thinking about it, but I dont really want to go through the whole 12 step thing. Ive been going to CoDA, but its just to go and get support, I dont work the steps. I still struggle with the whole higher power thing. I can stop drinking on my own. Ive done it before. I just dont know what else to do.

November 1, 2004
8:07 pm
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mj
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My sis has been working the steps for a long time and I saw how she turned her life around. That's why I started working the steps. I guess it just depends on how bad you want to help yourself.

November 1, 2004
8:16 pm
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D dog
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I developed a cocaine addiction earlier this year because a guy I had dated for a year started seeing other people. On top of drinking every day (which I still do, but not always to excess). I felt so worthless that I actually wanted to die (but luckily didn't). I was completely out of control, nothing mattered but staying wasted and keeping the pain away. But eventually I had to face the pain, and I did that by realizing that other people out there care about me, and by staying trashed 24/7 I was truly letting them down. As for the people who don't love you - f**k 'em.

November 1, 2004
8:20 pm
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Foggy1
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Wireless,

If you cant do AA right now try going a month without drinking at all. See how you feel,you may like it and decide you feel stronger.

November 1, 2004
9:59 pm
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wireless_tech
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Thats what Im planning on doing. Im going on vacation in California for the week of thansgiving. Im not going to drink until then.

A few years ago, when I was drinking heavily every night, I decided that I wanted to stop drinking for 1 month just to prove to myself I could do it. I did it. Not one drink for a month. Still had everyone coming over getting trashed, but I didnt drink. After the month was over, I never really started drinking again like before. I just didnt really want to (until recently)

I still have some sort of sense though. Yesterday, this friend of mine was going to hook up a gram of coke. The night before I would have done it, but I just didnt want to yesterday. I havent done cocaine or any other hard drugs in several years. I dont want to go down that road again. Ive been there, and I dont want to do it again. I know if I did, It would start with powder, then comes crack, then itll be speed again, and itll be a downward spiral until I really lose everything.

I know there are a lot of people that care about me, just no body is nearby.

November 1, 2004
10:00 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Wireless: I'm sorry to hear how your breakup is affecting you. I've done some crazy shit while drunk and out of my mind with pain too, and can relate to what you've told. You are SO lucky you didn't get arrested and I hope you think about what a break you were given- someone my friend was looking out for you that night. I hope you look at it as a second chance- that may not happen the next time. I hope it scares you into not doing it again because thats a hard road you're looking down and it sounds like you know it. And what will you have gained from it? It was a warning sign from above. The higher power comes in many forms- yours was with you the other night.

I don't drink anymore because I have scared myself w/ what I am capable of when I get like that. Absolutely not worth screwing your life up. I wish you the best. SD

November 1, 2004
10:28 pm
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wireless_tech
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Thanks SD,

I know Im very lucky to not be in jail. If I keep going the way Im going, Ill end up in prison. I dont want to go to prison. If we would have gotten into that house, it would have been breaking & entering. That would have been bad.

several months ago, I remember us talking about what would happen if either one of us lost each other. She said she couldnt imagine ever losing me. I felt the same way, only I knew that if I lost her, it would turn my world upside down, Id probably ended getting fucked up on drugs, probably end up losing my job, etc. It has turned my world upside down, but I dont want the rest of it to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

November 1, 2004
11:03 pm
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southgoingzax
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wireless,

I don't know that AA is the best thing for everyone - it IS heavily religious, and it makes me feel a little gacky that they make that the focus.

If you've quit before, find the strength to do it again. If you are angry at your ex, use that anger to turn yourself into someone she could only WISH to be with - work out, work hard, read, do volunteer work, become politically active, just work to IMPROVE yourself, not destroy. Right? I know you know this, you just need some reinforcement. You are a wonderful person, you have had some really bad things happen to you, but you have beaten the odds and are who you are because of your inner strength - don't lose it now.

Lots of love,

zax

November 1, 2004
11:16 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Wireless: Just as an FYI- my ex is a recovering alcoholic (18 years sober) and he says he doesn't believe in God. He goes to AA mtgs 7-10x/week still although I think at this point he is addicted to meetings and his WHOLE life revolves arounds AA plus thats where he gets all of his women. I'm sure it helps him not to drink though. He was a hardcore drinker, rehab several times, 9 arrests, anti-buse (he drank on it and almosr died) but there's something there besides the religion. In his case though its also a status symbol to be sober for so long and those are the only people that will look up to him as he has no other social contacts.

I guess my point is like they say in AA- take what you want and leave the rest. I went to a couple of meetings after we slpit to see what they were like and I can't see going to those unless you have to. Best wishes. SD

November 1, 2004
11:22 pm
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wireless_tech
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Thank you Zax

My problem is that I dont know how to live alone without some kind of substance. Sounds pathetic. I dont know how to have fun without being trashed. I dont really know what to do. What do people who dont use drugs or alchohol do for fun? How do I enjoy myself if im always sober? I dont think I ever really learned how to truly face reality.

November 1, 2004
11:26 pm
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wireless_tech
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Im really just whining and feeling sorry for myself. Im strong enough to do this.

November 1, 2004
11:58 pm
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marley
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sometimes you need to feel sorry for yourself. I am feeling sorry for myself, not because I am a loser or anything, but I think sometimes we are just LOW and LONELY.

November 2, 2004
12:01 am
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mamacinnamon
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What do people who don't use drugs or alcohol do for fun.

Almost anything that interests you.

Movies, Dining, 4-Wheeling, Sports, Hobbies of all kinds, Bowling, Reading, Dating, Skiing, Coffee w/ friends. anything you want to do.

I was/am married twice now to addicts. I truly have never understood why they have to be messed up to have fun. I don't get it. Can you explain it to me? I most truly would like to know.

I applaud you for deciding to not drink. Good luck and stay strong.

November 2, 2004
12:13 am
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southgoingzax
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Hey,

sometimes you really need to whine. It's okay.

I am not a heavy drinker. My b/f drinks more than I do - but he doesn't get drunk, it's usually just a glass or two of wine every night. And when I am there (2-3x week) I usually drink 1 or 2 glasses as well. I guess I am telling you this because it is the way alcohol is used that causes the problem. We have a glass of wine after our karate class, which is 2 hours long and ends at 9:15 pm. So it doesn't serve as THE activity of the evening, just a nightcap of sorts. Also, it helps to set the mood (wink wink, nudge nudge).

I think you know ways to have fun without being trashed. We've talked before about getting involved in something that you enjoy and all of the doors that can open when you do that. I think you are just really hurting inside, angry and sad and scared and really hurt, and it FEELS like you can't have fun without some sort of substance. People like drugs because it fills in the holes, or disguises them temporarily. The holes in your life. If you felt great about yourself, you wouldn't do what you are doing, right?

Do you like dogs? I know you don't have time for a pet and maybe this sounds stupid, but maybe you could volunteer at your local humane society, walking the dogs. It can really help take the focus off of your negative self by doing something for which you receive pure, unadulturated adulation for. And you don't have to deal with people (except on a limited basis), which is something I find hard to do when I am depressed.

At any rate, the key is to do things that are good for you. Even if you don't think you will like them. We are creatures of habit, so if we don't work to actively create change, it wont happen. Keep your head up. And don't you dare get into drugs or any more trouble!

C'mon, I know you can do this. You have got everything going for you, you're young, good-looking, you have a good job, and you are a reflective, thoughtful, caring person. Don't let yourself down,

zax

November 2, 2004
9:08 am
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CAMER
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hi Wireless, hope you are doing ok today and know you have an overwhelming amount of support here for you.

I've been there with the drinking bit..and it only takes away the pain for a small amount of time, and yes, you wake up with the same problem.....gosh, just be careful, you could've gotten yourself into some big time trouble with the break ins etc & the cops and all....be careful!!!! Try not to let the circumstances of your relationship get the best of you. Feel your feelings, keep talking and venting, get as much support from this site, and hopefully things will seem a lil'
bit brigther each day.

Hope all is ok with you today (and everyday!)

((((hugs and support Camer)))))

November 2, 2004
9:10 am
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Cactus
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Hey Wireless_tech,
How goes it man? I was reading your post and I tell you I was feeling a bit anxious. I hope you get a handle on things I'd hate to see you on "America's Most Wanted".

What are you feeling? It appears that you've done everything you could to deaden the pain of the loss but sooner or later you're going to have to start going through the stages of grief. While the process sucks you're still gonna have to go through it and everytime you mask it with alcohol, drugs or acting out the process stops until you're ready to begin again. I don't know about you but if something is inevitable why prolong the onslaught just let it happen.

As far as living with out substances I know it must be hard to live in the "real world" like the rest of us (not wishing to be insensitive just matter of fact). I worked in the field of substance abuse/addictions for more than 15 years and while yes some of my clients did have a death wish and did at time succeed in killing themselves and others unfortunately but the ones who turned their lives around and came in from the rain were the most engaging, bright and wonderful people I had ever been associated with. The pain and heartache they had endured and lived through made them appreciate how special they were and you should know that you are one of those people.

Remember the journey starts with the first step. wishing you a speedy "recovery" my friend.

-Cactus

November 2, 2004
10:04 am
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Freya
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Hey wireless,
Yup you could have ended up in jail- that is where my brother is right now for similar actions and he is 34. At least you are somewhat accountable for what you have done. You are responsible for you and your actions. Remember that.
I had the whole "higher power" thing going on with my therapist. She was quite upset that I didn't share her belief in Jesus Christ yet she couldn't understand that I believed in a higher power, just not hers. We agreed to disagree. Nonetheless, you seem to be headed into a downward spiral- the bonus? You can see it happening. The challenge? Doing something about it. Take a break for awhile. Are you drinking to avoid feeling the hurt and disappointment? Cactus said it- it just sucks however, at some point you are going to have to start really feeling the loss. Get angry, feel lonely, cry if you need to- just get it out. You can't start to feel better unless you go through all this shit. It is a natural progression and you can't progress without it. Take care of yourself WT. You can do this- get it together and figure out what is good for you. Sending hugs. Freya.

November 2, 2004
10:13 am
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Cici
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hi wireless,

i know what you mean "don't know how to live alone without using some kind of substance" - mine was pot. In all honesty if I wasn't pregnant I would be smoking still. I smoked before work, during lunch, after work pretty much until I passed out at night.

There are deeper reasons that users/abusers/addicts use their drug of choice. It's never just about the drug itself...

I was never a 12 steps person either. Doesn't work for me, as I need to find a reason inside ME to quit, and I don't believe in giving over myself to a higher power.

Personally I think you've got it in hand, something bad went down, you have the ability to see that you need to quit for a while.
GOod luck to you.

November 2, 2004
12:40 pm
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kathygy
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You might need to find new friends that don't rely on alcohol to have fun. Although, you don't like the idea of going to a 12-step meeting it would be a perfect place to make new sober friendships. I am in adult children of alcoholics and met my very best friend there and many other close friends. You said you were driving around drunk. If you don't care about yourself think about the other inocent people you could kill. I have a close friend in the hospital fighting for her life because she was hit by a drunk driver. I can have lots of fun just talking to close friends without any alcohol, going for walks or going to the movies. It might seem strange to think about but thats just becuase you don't have the experience of it. Once you do you will see things differently. Please take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to stop drinking before you kill someone or yourself.

November 2, 2004
2:11 pm
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sixfootblonde
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kathygy just said what I was scrolling down to say.

The people you hang out with sound way out of control themselves. Coke and getting smashed and breaking into abandoned houses -- are there other friends who could think of some healthy fun and LEGAL ways to keep you preoccupied?

She made her choice. Now you have yours. Make them count, for you. Treat yourself as good as I'm sure you treat your friends and others. Why do we always treat ourselves way shittier than we do others?

Hang in there. Alcohol especially, is a depressant. People drink to feel good and forget but the sad fact is, it makes you more sad. It's a chemically depressing substance. And a really shitty crutch.

November 2, 2004
6:18 pm
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Anonymous
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Ditto...

Wireless,

You are a wonderful person with so much to offer and your whole life ahead of you! I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best. You can beat this but I am going to say I hope you can do it without AA as you don't want to go..That is very difficult! If you find you cannot, I sincerely hope that you consider going to AA. Change playgrounds and playmates my friend! It has to come from within.

((((((Wireless))))))

Sunny

November 2, 2004
7:51 pm
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wireless_tech
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Hi Sunny and everybody and thanks so much for the advice and support.

I can do it without AA. Ive done it before. Ive stopped doing drugs on my own. Seriously, I can do it, I just have to work up the motivation. I have that now, especially after the other night. That was kind of a wake up call. It could have been much worse. Believe me with everything Ive been doing lately, things could be a hell of a lot worse. I am pretty damn lucky.

She has been calling me today. She called me on my cellphone twice earlier. She called me twice on my home phone, and she just called three more times on my cellphone. I wouldnt answer, because I just dont want to talk to her right now.

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