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I'm only with him because I'm afraid of being alone.
August 31, 2005
5:47 am
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cindyboowho
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This is my first time.
I have been with my "fiancee" for almost six years... engaged for five of them. At first he was my knight in shining armour. I met him when I got into a rebound relationship with his older brother. His brother was very, very abusive and "my knight" was the total opposite. We talked on the phone for hours every night. He gave me the strength to get out of the relationship with his brother. I think that's what I loved about him... that he rescued me.

But now, six years later, I find myself to be so very different than he is. I've bent over and accomodated him for all these years... his messiness, his lack of goals, his low paying going no where job, his everything lately...I wonder why I am with him... He's a nice guy, everybody loves him but, he's going nowhere... I support him... I clean up after him... I feel like we're roommates... no passion... no nothing... But, I'm not alone...

I've been alone before and I would get so depressed... I used to "etch" on myself with razorblades just to let the inner pain out... I don't want to go down that road again... I just don't want to be depressed that I'm alone and hurt myself anymore...

How do I send him on his way without falling into a deep depression because there's no one to talk to, no one to go to the movies with, no one to just hang out with. I don't really have any friends. All I have is work and home. I don't want to make work my life... What do I do? That's why we've been together for six years... because I'm afraid to be alone...

Help.

August 31, 2005
8:35 am
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shyshy
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cindy, I know how you feel. I'm pretty much in the same boat. I've been with my current bf of three plus years for the same reason. I don't want to be alone. and I won't even be totally alone, I have two kids, but the thought of not having anyone there for you is scary for me.

I spent 15 years with my ex husband for the same reason too. I finally left him and two months later hooked up with his brother who is my current bf. I was just looking for some TLC at the time but now it's become a codependent relationship. Although we have been doing ok lately, he has been physically abusive and he's a substance abuser. Not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with but very hard to let go of too.

We don't live together, thank God so it makes it easier for me to get some space and do my own thing during the week but on the weekends it's him or nothing.

My suggestion would be to start doing things that you enjoy by yourself and try and meet new people. Join a gym, hit the bookstore every now and then for a cup of coffee and a magazine, volunteer for something and then take it from there.

August 31, 2005
8:48 am
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CAMER
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hi Cindy, i know the feelings, most of my life i have had relationships with men and replacing them and rebounding with other men..etc...i was never alone, and hated the feeling of being alone.

When i recognized this feeling, i started to do things alone, like going to the movies, going shopping alone, eating alone...etc...and the more i faced my inner fears, the more i realized that there was nothing to be afraid of.

But being with someone who doesn't make you completely happy is not good, you will end up sadder in the long run.

I too, like a man who can take care of himself, pay his bills on time, find a good stable job...etc...and
i have had bf's in the past who chose booze and went thru jobs like water and i was always there to get them out
of the bind they were in.

Once you get stronger with yourself, and not settle the more of a healthier person you become.

Have you read any coda books by Melody Beattie and Robin Norwood, they are great books and also check out local coda meetings at http://WWW.CODA.ORG.

AND KEEP posting here, you are not alone!!!
(((camer)))

August 31, 2005
11:04 am
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luckyguy
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cindyboowho

Yes, you are not alone. I feel very much the same with my wife of 17 years. So many things you said are exactly the way I feel. I would phrase it for myself almost exactly the same as you did:

She's a nice woman... I support her... I feel like we're roommates... no passion... no nothing... But, I'm not alone...

And, for us, there was never really any great passion. We didn't even have sex for the first 5 years of our marriage, but at least I wasn't alone. I was alone for a year, and I didn't hurt myself but I felt so empty.

And for the first 15 years of our marriage I really didn't have any friends at all either. I'm very introverted -- VERY. Maybe you are too. I was good at my job, and that's really all I had -- work and home. It wasn't until the last 2 years that I actually began to meet some friends on the internet. It's simply too hard to meet people in real life, because of obligations to my family. But I never expected these kinds of friendships to last -- but they did. I haven't lost a single friend -- even met one in real life.

Here's another thing. A few of them cut themselves like you did. The whole experience of meeting these friends, made me realize that there are so many other people in this world who feel exactly the same way I do. The same way YOu do. They don't want to be alone either. They frequently feel worthless about themselves. You're not alone at all.

One girl even told me I changed her life. I really didn't do ANYTHING other than try to be a good friend. I met her when she cut herself and posterd pictures of it on a forum -- a forum for a music group. She was crying out for someone -- she felt alone and worthless. And she's actually one of the nicest people I've ever met.

I'm just concerned because you have no passion. Maybe some people think that happens after being with someone for a period of time. I guess it does in any relationship. But if you don't feel right, maybe you you try to meet some other friends. I think it's important. Sometimes you need to meet other people in your life to really realize that you're worth something. I always thought nobody would want to be my friend. I was wrong. You are too.

August 31, 2005
11:57 am
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brownie
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Hi cindy.

Boy you hit something with me.I am also alone too.Still married but in the process of getting a divorce.I don't have too many friends either only 1 or 2 thats about it.

My thing is this that i had mainly male friends in the past not too many women friends.I miss my male friends sooooooooo badly because they was always there for me even when i was looking for a father figure in a relationship.I had issues with my mother concerning my dad.So i was always in and out of relationships.I never wanted to be alone either.Until now.It was one time before me and my husband got married that i used to cut myself with a razor too to get attention.I felt so alone and out of place he was using drugs then and i felt i had to handle the battle alone which i eventually did.

So now i have to continue to be alone for awhile to heal these wounds.This is the same case with you.You have to be alone to heal the wounds of your old relationship so when you do meet somebody you won't repeat those same old past issues into your new relationship.I feel exactly the same way you feel.I be so desperately want to be with someone especially with a man.I want to feel comforted by a man so bad.Its nothing wrong with having males as friends but not to get into a serious relationship yet.

Lets start encouraging one another because we are gonna need it.

August 31, 2005
12:27 pm
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readyforachange
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I can relate. I stayed married for a long, long time because I didn't want to be alone. My ex had isolated me from everyone, I don't have much family in town. I felt I'd be alone.

And I have days where I feel very alone. But I have other days where I'm so glad to be in control of my life again, and the possibility of finding true passion, and a healthy relationship are always out there. In the meantime, I'm trying new ways to meet new people so that I can make friends again.

You just have to ask yourself if staying in this relationship is right for you...

August 31, 2005
5:28 pm
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cindyboowho
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Thanks to everyone for their support. I really didn't think other people out there felt exactly the same way I do. So, now I know that I AM NOT ALONE.

Have any of you seen the movie Runaway Bride? Well, in the movie, she's engaged and walking down the isle like 6 times... then she would run and never get married. When she was with each of the different men, she herself was different; she liked different things, different acctivities, different ways of dressing, even different types of ways her eggs were cooked. She was always changing herself to be what each man wanted or what she thought they wanted. She was never herself, truly, deeply, it was always a lie, that's why she always ran... Well, that's me...

My man likes basketball so, wha-la I like basketball... he's a slob, nothing is ever where it belongs... So, now I live in a messy house... I hate it!!!! I used to be so orderly, everything was where it belonged. I used to be so financially secure... no debt, great credit, no stress... now I owe thousands, have terrible credit, cash advances, live paycheck to paycheck, late on most of my bills... have to ask my parents for help (I'm 36, he's 35)... and I'm so stressed about finances... I make almost $20 an hour, 40 hours a week; he makes $9 an hour, 27 hours a week... and he never does anything around the house... He didn't work at all for about 2 years when his mother died... so, the credit cards got maxed out, the debt mounted... I'm worse off financially than ever in my worst nightmares... I keep putting up with it. My own fault.

Finally the inner me is coming out, the true me and I'm sick and tired of it all... I want to be with someone who connects with me on all levels... I want someone who brings 50% to the table in all aspects of the relationship. I know what I have to do, I've known for years... I'm just afraid....That's where your advise helps me beyond words...

shyshy and CAMER thanks a million... I will start doing things alone... that is really excellent advise.

readyforachange... no, this relationship is not right for me. Thank you...

Please, keep up the encouragement. I just have to find a way to tell him to get out. We used to have so much passion... now it's just irritation...

August 31, 2005
6:07 pm
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22haha
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Cindy- doing the same thing as you!! In a bad relationship for 6 years now becuse I am afraid to leave. Feels like I have been waiting for someone great to come along so I can leave. I know this is completely wrong. So, lately I have been spending time alone, or with family and friends. It is actually nice to do things I REALLY like instead of the things I pretend to like for him. I know it is scary but honestly, it hasn't been that bad. Once you don't have that cloud hanging over your head it is easier to see what is really going on. I have gone from bf to bf and this is the first time (I'm 32) I am actually enjoying spending time with ME!! I guess you have to learn to love yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. Good luck to you.

August 31, 2005
6:24 pm
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luckyguy
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I do exactly the same thing. I try to change myself to make people like me. I already wrote about it in another topic. I feel I've lost myself and I don't know who I am. I did it for my mother, when I was young, and now I do it for my spouse. I never have time to myself, unless it's late at night when everyone's sleeping, and then I wake up like a zombie the next day. I cherish any moments I have alone.

August 31, 2005
6:27 pm
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luckyguy
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cindyboowho

Actually, this is scary, because most of the words you are saying about the way you feel could have come right out of my mouth! You just said that YOUR not alone -- but you've made me feel much less alone too! 🙂

August 31, 2005
8:30 pm
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greygarden
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i have no idea myself about how you can tell whether the relationship is better or worse than being alone would be, because my situation is rather similar as well.. and my own feelings about my boyfriend change pretty frequently, so sometimes being with him is great, and other times i think the same things you mentioned in your post. but i suggest the same stuff other people advise: go to a movie alone, walk to the water if you have any nearby, play a loud record you like with your ear right at the speaker and take the time to really listen to it. you might find you're enjoying yourself more than you would if he were right there with you, being his irritating self. and then you will be on your way to independence! maybe you look up to a role model who seems to enjoy her own company and have it all together? i think that probably, if you hold the image of your ideal within you at all times, you will actually start to believe you are as independent as her; you will start becoming more like the ideal, independent you.

August 31, 2005
10:14 pm
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CAMER
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sometimes we have to face our fears..cindy, what would actually be so bad about leaving this man??? you would have alot less stress, alot less credit owed, a cleaner house and not worrying about him paying and doing his share.

Please find the strength and courage to maybe attend a Coda meeting....locally, or take baby steps on walking away from this man, you have been with him for many years and are not happy, and "nothing changes if nothing changes", you sound like a smart gal with a good head on her shoulders...time to take some positive steps for yourself, and know you can do this ALONE!! and you will be ok, look at all the support you have here, it takes away that "alone" feeling, and i know for a fact, i'd much rather be alone and by myself than being "lonely" in a relationship that i am miserable in. Gosh, i used to wish HE would break up with me, cuz i was afraid to hurt his feelings, even though i was the one suffering.

Keep coming back and posting & i wish you strength and support and lots of (((hugs))) for sharing!

Camer

August 31, 2005
11:00 pm
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ItsJustMe
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Hello Everyone

I'm new but here it goes, I stumbled into this group by accident, but I guess things happen for a reason. I too am living wit a man because I’m afraid of being alone.

He was “my knight in shining armor” he made me feel special and wanted; he said we would be together forever……………. Well to make a long story short we both had different expectations of what the relationship should have been and finally one day this last may he broke up with me after 4 years, three and a half of living together.

The problem was and is that I’m afraid of being alone; my Mom died when I was 5 and have been basically alone ever since. I found this one man who wanted to take care of me and I allowed it and now that I got used to the feeling of being protected…. he dumps me, after I put up with so much of his porn crap… and humiliations.

Anyway I live with him but we sleep in separate rooms, I know I have to get up and go, but I’m terrified of needing someone or something and not have anyone there.

I have been alone in the past and I have survived however you get tired of dealing with life on your own. I commend all of you who had the straight to leave, I wish I could.

The problem is I know what I have to do but am afraid of doing it.

The biggest coward

September 1, 2005
4:42 am
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cindyboowho
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Okay all, here goes...

I am totally codependent (as if you didn't know that already) but, my dependency started long ago...

I've always been fat. In junior high I went to a weight loss group and lost all the weight. I looked good, felt good and finally had guys looking at me. Unfortunately, two of my best friends tried to rape me. The act was stopped only by my sister knocking on his front door... I started drinking (9th grade), smoking cigarettes and "etching" on myself. I was a good student but, intentionally started cheating on tests... I did everything but say "look at me, I'm dying inside".. I got caught cheating... I got caught drinking beer at lunch... I even got caught cutting my wrists... and guess what, no one did anything... these were all caught by faculty at school!!! So, I gained all the weight back and became a noone...graduated high school, then got a BA in college, even got a teaching credential...began teaching at 22 and I was still a noone... still had never had a boyfriend, had one kiss... no friends... my family moved to another state and boy was I all alone...

There is no way to say this but just to say it... I got "involved" with a student (teenager)... I let him control me. I let him hit me. I let him spend my money. I satisfied his every wish (oral sex) ... At least I was not alone... I almost lost my job... I was broke... I was just a shell of a woman... I left. I was alone. I started "etching" I called a suicide hot line and went to a counselor... I opened up and let it all out. I spent the next 4 years in prison, then 3 on parole, lost my career, and must register for life as a sex offender. I am fully responsible. I did it. I was the adult. I am ashamed of my acitons.

Had only kissed once (I didn't even like the guy). 4 years in prison and I learned to like women... First sex, first orgasam... first real kissing...

One month out of prison, I looked great! Once again lost all the weight...first man. Fell head over heels...Stayed in "relationship" a year... he cheated on me over and over... I bounced out of that relationship into one with an ex-con rapist... abusive... belittling... a-hole... along comes his brother... "my knight"...

I tell you all this so you see where I started... where I've been... I'm a mess aren't I??? lol... I'm fat again... low self esteem, damaged goods (who in the world would ever want to be with a sex offender)... I don't have any friends because I can't tell them about my past like I can tell you all... so, I know once I send "my knight" away... will I be alone the rest of my life??? Is he better than noone???

Help.

September 1, 2005
6:19 am
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CAMER
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((Cindy))) do you know how much strenght and courage you have to just open up to our board??? that shows alot. Now, you have to start beleiving in yourself.

Your past is your past, and thats what it is.....your past, its history, don't let your past ruin your life for what you are now.

Take positive steps adn know what a good person you are, in my last post i even said you seemed like a smart gal with a good head on your shoulders and i didn't even know of your past...and no one is here to judge...you may have made mistakes in the past with men, booze, going to jail, etc...but that is the past.

Try to focus on the YOU, the now you, so what, you may be a overweight, that is not the end of life, have you tried eating right and exercisng?? and to build your self esteem up you have to think of all the good, not the bad, and believe in yourself.

You also don't have to tell your freidns about your past, i too have a past that i am ashamed of, sleeping with men to have them love me, arrrg, its worse than that....but i have changed, i am different and i do have friends and i do believe in myself.

Once you do find new friends, you can always open up to them about your past, it may help clear up your mind, and true friends stay by your side and won't judge you.

Please Cindy, think of all the good in yourself & keep posting about it....look, in the past you have lost the weight, you went to college to get your BA, that says something about you, you do have potential!!!! You are a good person. Why not give yourself a hug and love yourself more, it can open up a world of new positive things in your life!!!!

((heres some hugs...Camer))))

September 1, 2005
8:56 am
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gazelle
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(((((((Cindy)))))))

Wow. What an honest, courageous woman you are to have written all that! And to have weathered all that - and to be looking to change things for the better. I'm so impressed.

I completely agree with the wonderful Camer, who as usual has managed to put into words the reactions of many of us I'm sure.

I would have given you "homework" - to write as long a post as you can about your good points ... things about you that you are pleased and proud of, and want people to notice and appreciate. Like your amazingly strong-willed ability to lose so much weight (wow!!!) your BA, your bravery and honest sense of responsibility, etc.

No single label can ever sum up or adequately describe a person. So don't label yourself a 'sex offender'. You were one. You are an ex-one, who has accepted punishment and moved on ahead. You are a brave, resourceful traveller and pilgrim on Life's journey, heading for better experiences.

The universe / "God" / "Mother Nature" / your Higher Self (or whatever greater power than your self you believe in) offers you everything you truly need on your journey; and even ways of finding it, once you truly start to seek and reach out in positive ways.

Go treasure-hunting! Look deep inside your soul and just see what wonderful gold and gemstones of every hue are hidden there ... just needing daylight to bring out their sparkle.

Bon courage! Blessings - gazelle.

September 1, 2005
9:02 am
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luckyguy
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cindyboowho

Make some new friends, Cindy. This forum is a great first step. It's actually how I learned to open up about myself. I made some friends on a forum, and we eventually were able to open up to each other about everything. It's an amazing freeing feeling when you've kept things inside for all your life and suddenly find some good friends who you can actually tell, and they don't run away. Those are real friends. When you tell a real friends the things you hate the most about yourself, they won't leave you. They only feel closer to you. I never knew there were friends like this until 2 years ago. You're not the only person who feels ashamed of their past -- not at all. So many people have these hidden secret lives which they are so afraid to tell anyone about. But they are not bad people because of it. You're not either. I think you just settled for less because it's all you thought you deserved.

Camer is right.

September 1, 2005
1:16 pm
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cindyboowho
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Camer, Gazelle and Luckyguy...

Thank you. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Most of all, thank you for just posting back! It has been 11 years and besides my family, my boyfriends and my employer, no one knows about my past. (now everyone on this cite of course)... My family has gone through a lot of reprocussions because of my past. My actions hurt them and they were ridiculed too. So many people stopped talking to them too. My boyfriends have all accepted my past but, looking back, I think more than accepting, they USED my past to keep me dependent. I have this feeling of not deserving anything better...

99% of society is not as accepting as you all have been. When I commited my crime, I changed my life forever. I live with so much fear of society and their hate. In prison your crime is an open book... you must fight to stay alive, must fight to save yourself... imagine having your 7 other cellmates beat you. I was just tring to stay alive... imagine a convicted killer telling you to your face they wanted to douse you in gasoline and set you on fire... imagine your cellmates hating you so much they defecate on your bunk... I became a strong woman in prison. I had to. It was that or curl up and die..... But, even then I managed to get into a relationship that was all about what I could do for them (canteen, quarterly packages, sex) ... But, I was not alone... At one point (awaitng sentencing in county jail) ((I had already pled quilty, admitted to my crime, ready to improve myself and move on)), I was going to etch on myself, I really didn't want to do it, the pain was so very bad inside though, I had to let it out and somehow, it atleast put my mind somewhere else...I made that step and asked for help. I told a guard that I needed help. My help was a straight jacket, rubberroom with a hole in the floor as a toilet and 4 days in isolation. Not to mention that while I was "enjoying" these 5 star accomodations, someone else in lockup snitched off another inmate and because I was "at the hilton" I of course had to be the rat... Every time I reach out for help...

Gazzelle, maybe later I'll do that homework you talked about, the positive because, reliving this shit is just too much. I find it all relavant but, I still haven't told my "knight" to hit the road... he is my bodyguard in a way... I don't have to look over my shoulder 24-7 when he's around... if nothing else, he would hurt someone who tried to hurt me. When all my information is posted on a government website, one can NEVER feel safe. Hate is hate...Ignorance is hate. My actions bought me this hate...this fate. Won't someone wake me from this nightmare???

September 1, 2005
1:40 pm
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gazelle
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ok ... WAKEY WAKEY! RISE AND SHINE! Lol. Seriously, Cindy - what do you feel you want / need right now? Then in the medium-term? Then in the long term?

These are surprisingly difficult questions when we try to spell out our answers in detail. I'm still working on mine! Other than loneliness & depression & a sense of wasting my life, I don't really know how I feel.

But discovering our inner, suppressed feelings and learning what our souls are secretly longing for helps focus on the Good we are striving towards. Seeing our goals in turn helps us reach out with all our faculties to reach them.

Good luck! Blessings - gazelle.

September 1, 2005
1:46 pm
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gazelle
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Is there anything you like / love about your bf? And what does he like / love about you? I mean other than the mutual convenience of not being alone.

Would it be possible to sit down w him & take turns trying to answer these questions? Just start v simply: what you value in each other. You first. Then what you want more of emotionally. Then his turn. (Men are usually afraid to open up first!)

Then possibly, instead of concentrating on what annoys you about each other, how about formally taking turns to guess what you each think hurts the OTHER about yourSELF?

This helped me enormously, 'cos I discovered that what I imagined he hated about me had never even occurred to him. And his worst fears about how I would judge him as inadequate etc were completely unfounded too. NB This latter is most men's GREATEST FEAR. (and lots of women's too.)

The relief & reassurance of doing this is great. And neither person dare say anything too harsh, because each will have to put him/herself in the other's shoes in order to do it. So the whole exercise encourages empathy. Also it encourages forgiveness and warmth when we have made ourselves open & vulnerable. And isn't deep communication & understanding what we all crave the most, in any circumstances? So that we can give & receive love?

Giving it a try won't hurt. Blessings - gazelle.

September 1, 2005
2:26 pm
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kathygy
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It sure sounds like you have been through a lot. So much of your life you have been suffering and in pain. You deserve to start your life over again and heal your wounds. With so much in your past I think a good therapist could really help you. You don't need to suffer because of your past. You are very wounded and did the best you could at every step. I suggest attending 12-step meetings to help you get support and make new healthy friends. Also, you won't feel so alone.

love,
kathy

September 1, 2005
3:24 pm
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RobertM65
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Hi Cindy,

I've been alone before and enjoyed that time. I'm on my second marriage and we have some real issues. The funny thing is, the thought of being alone now terrifies me.

I almost want to say that I wish I had no passion for my wife. That might make things easier, but the truth is I think my feelings are just as strong as when we first met 9 years ago. That could be because I know we are on thin ice and I don't want to lose what I have. She feels the same way, but there are just so many issues to work through.

Keep posting. You're not alone.

September 1, 2005
7:21 pm
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CAMER
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HI CINDY....just checking in to see how you are doing/feeling...please keep posting, we are all here for you!!!!

love Camer....and you are so not alone!!!!

September 1, 2005
9:55 pm
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cindyboowho
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Thanks everyone...

It's kind of funny, a few months ago, when I really knew our relationship was over, I asked him specifically what he needed in life to be happy. I then told him what I needed. None of our needs were the same. Not one! At the core of it all, we were not meant to be together. I think it's a eye opening question. Try it.

I really truly don't want to hurt him. I would hate to leave him homeless... He doesn't even make enough to pay rent let alone car payment, insurance, phone bill... etc. I don't hate him. I'm not even mad at him. I just know it's over. I am not in love with him anymore... haven't been for awhile. So, he needs to go. I don't want to keep supporting him. He will never grow up and do what he needs to do if I keep taking care of him. He's a really good guy...

My entire family is codependent. One sister married 20 years, he's an alcoholic. She almost left him a few months ago but, she said she had too many years invested... she doesn't have to work and if she left she said she'd have nothing...
Another sister married 24 years. She doesn't work. He takes care of her. He's a good guy but, there's no passion. She's just with him for security. Even my own parents married almost 50 years, haven't shared a bedroom for the last 30+ years... they'll die unfulfilled and unhappy... This is why I need to set myself free. I need to stop this codependent cycle...

Thanks guys for listening...

September 1, 2005
10:06 pm
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hi Cindy, i am glad you are aware of your situation...now you could always try some baby steps in ending the relationship, do things slowly, take your time, and do what is best for you and not worry so much about him...he will find a place to live and he will have to pay for his own bills...its up to him...now you can focus on you...please keep posting on what you'd like to do next to make your life better.

((camer))

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