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I'm on a roller coaster
August 15, 2002
5:53 pm
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4kids
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I have been married to an alcoholic for 15 out of 20 years. I have 4 children between the ages of 11 and 17. I have pretty much had enough of the roller coaster ride of ups and downs. One minute I'm ready to divorce him because he is usually drunk and the next minute he is back to his normal self and baby is back in my arms as Melody Beattie would say. It is really starting to affect my kids. My 17 year old son can't stand the site of him and neither on of them have anything good to say to each other. They have almost had a fist fight but,I broke them up.
I think I still love him but feel I cant keep putting my kids through all of the crap. Sometimes I think he is going to change and other times the only way he will change is if I leave him.
I take care of everything now so I know I could make it on my own with the kids. I have even gotten as far as seeing a lawyer but, can't seem to follow through. What is stopping me. I am not the least bit happy.
Would be greatful for any opinions. I'm new to this but think there is someone out there that might say the right thing.

August 15, 2002
6:05 pm
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mossrose
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I found the strength, the best thing you can do for all of you is get a legal seperation and focus on your own life from now on.
I am, its scary BUT ITS THE BEST DAMN THING I EVER DID! Life is so precious and so short, set an example for your children, show them how to live and lvoe yoruself.

Keep posting, lets talk ..you can do it!

August 16, 2002
10:08 am
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Cici
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You deserve to be respected. To feel safe in your own home. To have children who are happy and able to deal with the stresses in their lives. To NOT be on a roller coaster. To be with a partner who is dependable, tender, respectful, gentle, who thinks of your needs, who doesn't need to get drunk to deal with problems.

You have a right to have a stable, happy, fulfilled life. Sometimes we can get so used to living in a bad situation that we forget how it feels to be actually safe and happy. But the ability is still there. You can do it - keep posting, good luck to you!

August 16, 2002
10:20 am
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dazedalone
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A point of view from the other side. Sometimes its better to hit bottom. Thats what it took for me to open my eyes. A week later I wrote this poem and sent it to everyone I new. It was hard, because I've always been the tuff ass. Now I know it was a front, as well as the drinking. I could never blame her if we never get back together, but I have thanked her already for opening my eyes and helping me remember what I wanted in life. I was so lost.....

OPEN YOUR EYES

My heart is still broken but the pain isn’t as bad, time has gone by and God decided to hold my hand.

I now can think straight from time to time, realize what I’ve done; I call it too much wine.

Slow down the pace so I can think straight, in my heart I know I wasn’t all that great.

The verbal abuse, the backs being turned, this was never really me I’ve recently learned.

Yet I look at her, like she was one of a kind, but yet again I managed to diss her, like she could only be mine.

Little did I know I would get a wake up call, and that anything and everything could collapse and fall.

If you don’t take care of each other’s feelings, how could you expect a life of happiness?

Sometimes you must stop and think of your partners feelings, remorse and regrets.

Let her know you lover and you’ll be there to help her through it.

Listen to her speak and get things off her chest, she doesn’t always need your opinion, just a place of comfort, a place for her head to rest.

I remember all the days that I wanted to be there, just couldn’t find it in myself to show her how much I really do care.

Finally becoming angry with myself, because of the stupid things I do, telling myself everyday, you’ll snap out of it, just let her be, it will all be cool.

Little did I know that I thought this way for a long time, so how could I expect her to have loving feelings for me except from time to time.

Now I’ve hit bottom and realize who I am, I know that I’m just like her and have the same thoughts, then think DAMM.

All I can do, is show her the real me, I know she’ll be happy, if she could just except my plea.

I’m becoming stronger and stronger and finally getting back on track, recently I realized another thing, I’ve been treating myself very, very whack.

So now we are telling each other everything, I tell it from the heart; even from the brain I have, which is finally is beginning to spark.

The only reason I write this, is to tell every double sole, hold onto what you have and never forget BOTH of your goals.

Sometimes they might begin to slip, that’s why you kiss each other good night and remind each other what they mean to you each and every night.

So take advantage of your other and tell he or she how you feel and always listen to their words because they are so, very real.

If you ignore the situation, it might seem to go away, but take it from me it always going to be there, until both of you are so far off into a sicking daze.

August 16, 2002
1:27 pm
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4kids
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Mossrose, can I ask what made it click for you. Was it something major or did you just do it? I don't want to wait until something major happens to take the kids and myself out of this situation. I'm scared somebody is going to get physically hurt. My Kids also don't want to leave our house and their friends. That makes me feel so guilty.

CiCi, you're right I do deserve all of those things. And yes I think I have gotten used to a bad situation.

Dazedalone, I really respect the remarks from the other side. I think "I am" his bottom. My problem is that I think he will resent me.

August 16, 2002
1:54 pm
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dazedalone
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When it all went down with me, she told me and told me and all I did was get angry. I was warned before hand and didn't realize. This left her no choice but to pack her things while I was at work. Everyone thought that was so cruel, but in reality I left her no choice. I already expressed how I wouldn't have it. So really I see why she did it, but she came over after I got home and told me the deal. I begged and begged, but she had already packed and moved it out. Not that this is for you, just discribing how it went with us. She was the strong one and held her own. I don't resent her, well maybe at first. But as my shrink sad, "you need to do things for yourself". I have something for you to print off and I think it might help. Me and her both have copies on our fridge so we can read them every day.... give me a sec and I'll post it..

August 16, 2002
1:59 pm
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dazedalone
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Post someplace you can read everyday... I hope it helps, it has for a few couples I know that are on the break right now... including me.. good luck, and blees you..

BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

I have the right to decide what I want, think, feel or
need to do or not to do.

I have the right to be independent without fear of
ridicule or retribution.

I have the right to have my opinion given the same
respect and consideration as any one else's opinion.

I have the right to have my needs seen as important,
because they are important (remember that needs and
wants are two different things).

I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible
for them.

I have the right to change my mind.

I have the right to say: "I don't know".

I have the right to say: "I don't understand".

I have the right to say: "I don't care".

I have the right to say: "No", without feeling guilty
or selfish or giving reasons or explanations.

*I have always had these rights. They are not given
to me by anyone but myself, and they cannot be taken
away unless I allow them to be taken away.*

PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

I have the right to ask for what I want.

I have the right to say no to requests or demands I
can't meet.

I have the right to express all of my feelings,
positive or negative.

I have the right to change my mind.

I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be
perfect.

I ahve the right to follow my own values and
standards.

I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I
am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.

I have the right to determine my own priorities.

I have the right NOT to be responsible for others'
behavior, actions, feelings or problems.

I have the right to expect honesty from others.

I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

I have the right to be uniquely myself.

I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid".

I have the right to say "I don't know".

I have the right to make decisions based on my
feelings.'

I have the right to my own needs for personal space
and time.

I have the right to be playful and frivolous.

I have the right to be healthier than those around me.

I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.

I have the right to make friends and be comfortable
around people.

I have the right to change and grow.

I have the right to have my needs and wants respected
by others.

I have the right to be treated with dignity and
respect.

I have the right to be happy.

August 16, 2002
3:36 pm
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Cici
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4kids - there's also a great board - you can click on "View Codependency Threads". A lot of the women there are/were in abusive relationships and/or relationships with substance abusers. A fw of them are actively posting while getting out of bad relationships. The thing to remember is that the time right after you leave is the most sensitive - that's when the partner can become really physically abusive, can stalk you or threaten you. It's a good idea to have a plan including friends/family you can stay with - or a shelter if you've been isolated too much.

Let me share with you that I am a recovering substance abuser. I indulged in alcohol, but quickly moved to hard drugs. When I was at the height of my drug abuse, I didn't really care for anyone and I was an emotional vampire - I sucked support from my loved one, drained them of money and tolerance.

In the end - when someone is dependent on any chemical substance, they really have to make the choice to get better for themselves. For me, this happened when my family finally abandoned me and left me to myself. I was living out of my car and at drug friend's houses, and I know my parents probably felt really bad for me but they didn't give in, and that was what was best (now I know that). I don't think that anyone can tell a substance abuser to quit. They need to hit bottom.

This is just a perspective from someone who did hit bottom. I know I would never have tried to recover if this had not happened. In almost all cases, alcoholism and drug abuse can't just "get better on its own". He needs to make the effort for himself, not for anyone else - or it won't work. So, I know you have a lot of think about. There is a lot of support here if you need it. I hope that things get better for your life!!! I'm sober now, and life is so much better without the hard drugs. SO MUCH better. But I couldn't see that when I was using. Keep posting. Good luck!!

August 16, 2002
5:01 pm
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4kids
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You have given me so much to think about this weekend. Thanks for your support and have a good weekend.

August 21, 2002
10:11 am
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patticake
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Please know you are not alone. Like many others, I have walked in your shoes. I urge you to run, don't walk, to the nearest alanon meeting. There you will find support. If you are open to it you will receive the tools to understand the disease of alcoholism and its effect on you and your family. There is also a group, alateen, that is especially designed to help children in this situation also. The children find it a safe place to share their feelings among other teens who are experiencing some of the same traumas.You might also want to check out some of the codependency sites. We must come to learn about ourselves and our own behaviors and reactions to begin making changes that will result in a better way of life for ourselves and loved ones. Your husband must admit his own problem and choose to get help for himself. You can only take care of you. In doing so you will be helping and guiding your children also. Serenity is not freedom from the storm, it is peace amidst the storm. Have FAITH and God Bless You.

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