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I'm not sure how to feel right now
November 5, 2007
4:27 pm
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thenerdyurbanite
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Like I had said earlier today is my ex's birthday. It's been really hard for me but I didn't want to play stupid games and not text her. We were together for three years, it would be quite transparent if after two months I conveniently forgot her birthday. Last month when my birthday came around she text me the day before my birthday claiming she didnt want to forget so she was sending my birthday wishes now. I thought that was unnecessary but whatever. So i text her today "Happy Birthday, enjoy the day." I figured it was straight forward, no games, no b.s. She responds; "Thank you! :)" Well, after about a minute I started to freak out a little bit bc I didnt want the ball to be in my court I guess. I didn't want her to have the last word so I sort of wrote back, "welcome." I dont know if it was stupid or transparent or not but I felt like i had to have the last word. The ball is in her court now, if she wants to talk to me she will, I didnt want it looming over my head that maybe she expected me to continue talking. I wanted to. I wanted to know how she was what she was up to. I wanted more than anything to tell her that i love her and that i wish i could make all of her birthday wishes come true. but i cant and it sucks. what do you all think of this situation? Am I an idiot for writing "welcome"?

November 5, 2007
4:29 pm
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DorisDay
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No nerdy..that was totally appropriate. It was not sassy nor snippy..it was perfect...The ball is indeed now in her court.

Guess what? My birthday is tomorrow and I get a birthday card in the mail from my ex. I still don't know why you and your ex broke up, but mine cheated..So I won't acknowledge his card.

Why did you two split?

November 5, 2007
4:34 pm
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artist 2
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It's not stupid or nerdy, it's just part of you. Just don't have any expectations about what she'll do. You might get hurt all over again. On the other hand, you might be pleasantly surprised.

November 5, 2007
4:39 pm
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thenerdyurbanite
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OH Doris thanks so much for reassuring me....I have such a way of convincing myself into anxiety and hysteria!! Happy Early Birthday to you!!! I'm sorry that you were cheated on, its such a horrible experience but karma comes right back around rest assured. And I think you're smart about not acknowledging his cards. They're self-serving, I'm sure he still cares about you, but it's probably also to alleviate some of his guilt for cheating. Stay strong to you!! As far as my ex and I go she broke up with me because she said she didnt feel like we were meant to be together anymore. That she was afraid to hold me back from finding the person I was meant to be with and vice versa. We had a tumltuous relationship, mainly from outside stressors, but there was no cheating or anything like that. That's what makes this break-up so difficult--it's just because she doesnt want me anymore. I'm a little bitter just because the day she left me was the day my grandfather had a stroke and was in the hospital and instead of being there for me and my family she lied about where she was and was with some guy friend of hers because he was going through a rough breakup...ironically...a few hours later she broke up with me. It's just a really rough situation.

November 5, 2007
4:50 pm
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DorisDay
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Oh Nerdy..what an awful story.

You are right...at least I have infidelity to be angry about...and letting go is hard, but my anger is helping me. In your situation, I don't like that she was not there for you at such a tough time...so ...ask yourself...down the road, would you want to share you life with somebody like this?

My relationship with my ex was also going downhill prior to his tryst on his trip for work. We didn't have much in common... so I know in the long run the infidelity was a "gift" to save much heartache down the road. Also, he wasn't very kind at times...just like your girlfriend wasn't when your grandfather had a stroke. It is called self-centered. My ex and yours sound very non-supportive.

Alas..but there are those qualities we both love in our our exes...I know.

I am worried about you and I want you to please take a deep breath and try to relax. I feel your pain through your words and I wish I could do more for you.

((((((((HUGS)))))))))

November 5, 2007
4:51 pm
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Solstice
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If we didn't have all these damn strong feelings, things would be so much easier... but boring. When we torment ourselves over a simble text of welcome we have lost perspective as I have in my situation more than once. Its hard to find the harmonous spin of the top for long enough to be satisfying, instead we get the wobble, the fall, the getting started spinning again and the slip and skip across the floor like crazy spin. I guess we need to stay calm, be honest, set reasonable boundaries and learn to accept some realities that are just unplesant for us.

November 5, 2007
5:03 pm
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nappy
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If you don't learn to let go and go on with your life, you will always feel like this.

There is no such thing about the ball is in her court or the ball is in your court. If you two are not together then it is over with.

It was alright to wish each other a Happy Birthday but that is all it is. You shouldn't expect anything else more out of this person. If this person has not even tried to talk with you then let it go.

The one thing that I have learn is that it is difference if you are husband and wife. But if you are girlfriend or boyfriend then that other person don't owe you anything.
They are just another person that has enter into your life and hopefully have taught you something.

Nappy

November 5, 2007
6:02 pm
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artist 2
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Nappy, you are so darn grounded! I love your advice.

November 5, 2007
6:14 pm
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thenerdyurbanite
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Doris, the funny thing is that while my ex sure loves attention and the what not she actually wasnt that self centered. She was always there for me and for others who needed her, thats why I was so shocked when she deserted me when I needed her the most because she knew that my grandparents raised me and that they meant the world to me. She always said if anything ever happened to them that she would be there for me every second of everyday. But, I guess, words are like the wind. Now that I look back there are a lot of times when she wasnt as there for me as I would have liked her to but I always find something that I may have did or said that prompted that reaction in her. So, maybe she wasnt as amazing as I always thought she was. I dont know, when you're in the absence of that person every thing that they did that once hurt you seems so insignificant now that theyre gone you know? Doris, you being here to talk to has made me feel so supported...I find myself compelled to talk to you which is something I usually struggle with.

Thanks Nappy, Solstice and artist2: I'm trying to learn to let go. Feelings suck and they should be illegal lol...I'd take boring over heartbreak right now 🙂

November 5, 2007
7:26 pm
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DorisDay
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Ah Nerdy..isn't love grand?

Let me tell you..even though my ex crapped all over me..I only am remembering the good times. Maybe that is our brain's way of letting us survive, you know? The hurt fades..like women in childbirth...they recover and even have more kids!

I think if you read your post you have your answer. We at time put our signficant others on a pedestal, only to be devastated when we do see they are not the perfect person we thought they were. Remember, my ex is a psychologist. What a more perfect mate than that! He should have been perfect, right? NO!

This girl sounds like she might be young..how old are you two? She may have to sow some wild oats..and who know how things may unfold down the road. Maybe right now isn't the time for you two.

My only suggestion is to live a good life...and maybe one day she will share it with you..or maybe one day you will share your life with somebody worth of YOU!

I am a tad bit sick..so I am heading off to bed. Keep posting and I will be back in the morning.

You have friends here..keep posting.

November 5, 2007
8:04 pm
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thenerdyurbanite
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Hey Doris,
Its ironic isnt it..that when we're in the relationship we harp on the negative and yet when the relationship ends we never remember the negative and focus only on the positive. Eh, why is love so friggin hard.
Kudos to you for dating a psychologist...speaking from experience (psych was my undergrad major) those of us who study psychology usually need the professional help the most!
I guess we are both young I'm 23 and she just turned 22 today, but I'm very mature for my age and she was at times too, but not on a whole. I think we were just at two different crossroads. I wanted to move forward towards marriage, family, etc and she wanted to think about what she was going to wear at her next band gig and was still so completely comfortable allowing her parents to run her life. Its unfortunate because I was truly in love with her and was willing to wait for her probably forever, but she didn't feel the same for me and it broke my heart. Anyway, I hope you feel better--tomorrow is my first day back at work so I look forward to chatting with you during the day and keeping my mind off of this b.s. 🙂 Talk to you tomorrow

November 6, 2007
6:42 am
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DorisDay
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Hi Nerdy.

I am a ripe 48 years old today..and when I think back on who I loved at 21 I think 'phew..thank GOD he is out of my life!'

I truly believe you two are still growing, maturing, and figuring out what you want in life. I had a boyfriend at that age who adored me..he truly did...but I wasn't ready to marry. He is now happily married to a woman, has five kids. He never thought he would get over me and meet another..but he did and is SO SO happy.

I don't know where life is going to lead you or where it will lead me. Once thing we have talked about in CODA is "let go...let God." God has a plan for all of us. That is how I am persevering this week...with my HIV test and STD cultures pending. If I think about it too long I will go insane. However, it is all in God's hands. I cannot force the Psychologist to tell me what a putz he has been...and on a GOOD day, I can only guess what he is thinking and would only be 50% correct. So, why bother analyzing his motives, actions, etc.?

Take it from an older lady: You have SO MUCH to live for. If things are meant to be, your ex will come back into your life..if she is not THE one, you WILL find another.

Gotta get ready for work.

Love and light to all of you!

November 6, 2007
9:41 am
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risingfromtheashes
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nerdy - remove the expectations - and all will be well.

it doesn't matter who's "court" the ball is in.

you wished her a good day and that's it.

If you turn it into an "open door" or a "wish" for contact - it will blow up in your face.

Instead - see it for what it was - a friend wishing a friend happy birthday.

Let it drop.

Here is the thing - no matter where you turn - there will always be an "excuse" to contact her. - you can always find one if you look....whether it's her bday, turkey day, xmas, new years, valentines day, her stuff in your house, whatever....if you want contact, you can find a way to do it.

so - make sure you examine your motives here - and make sure you aren't REALLY TRYING to give her an open door to slide into.

and decide if it was worth the contact - and what your plan is for the next time a "reason" comes into your mind - like the stuff in the house.

She knows where you are - I am SURE she knows you still love her. I don't think you really need to say it for her to know.

If she wanted you back - she'd tell you.

So, work on acceptance of the situation - and don't try to find "reasons" to contact her.

Yes, she was nice and texted you for your bday - but when it comes down to it - the urge to contact her was partly in order to open the door, but partly to make yourself look like a nice guy in her eyes...and you need to work on that - it doesn't matter what she thinks of you - she KNOWS you are a nice guy - and not texting her on her bday wasn't going to change that...and if it does - then she doesn't know you as well as she should, no?

November 6, 2007
9:58 am
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DorisDay
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I agree Rising..especially with your last paragraph.

I am SUCH a codependent, that when things blew up in my face with the ex's infidelity, I wrote his brother, cc'd my ex, with the email "If he ever needs me..or has an emergency..or gets sick, please let me know since I don't run in his professional circle of friends."

Okay..you may vomit now.

Although it is great to be a nice person, I really over-did the entire thing...with the mantra of "you MUST love me even though you crapped all over me." I am working so hard on that.

I think with Nerdy that the two of them are so young, and she sounds like she has feelings for him but wants to spread her wings. At 23, that is probably smart. Live is so interesting, with all of its twists and turns, nobody can predict the future.

November 6, 2007
10:19 am
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MsGuided
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Nappy is so right!

Nerdy

Romanitisizing everything about your realtionship isn't doing you any good.
with all the text you write about your intense emotions, love and need for this GF,you push away the reality (which you posted twice before) that you were JEALOUS and insecure.

"Now that I look back there are a lot of times when she wasnt as there for me as I would have liked her to BUT I ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING THAT I MAY HAVE DID OR SAID THAT PROMPTED THAT REACTION in her. So, maybe she wasnt as amazing as I always thought she was."

Maybe she doesn't have to fix you. Maybe your expectations for that was and IS too much to ask? Maybe you need to look harder within and be honest with yourself about what kind of role you played in her life.

Maybe you're both flawed, made mistakes, and the B-day text thing is just humility and kindness saying" I know we didn't work out but I still care and feel guilt, and don't want you to feel uncared for."
It is a good thing that you both recognize the bond you had underneath the conflict, but looking at it as an open door to reconciliation won't work unless you do the work on yourself.
Maybe, like Doris says, you're not ready for commitment.

What shook this foundation of love? Work on those things, so you can move on and not bring those same issues into the next relationship.

Commitment isn't easy and doesn't thrive on NEED. It is a heck of alot of responsibility, sacrifice, strength, trust , sharing..and freedom comes from having the right balance.
All the best!

November 6, 2007
10:22 am
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DorisDay
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Again, heartache is like child birth: when it happens, you swear you will never go through it again...but when time moves on, all you remember is the good times.

It is almost cruel the trick our brain play on us..but ask yourself: Do I want a partner who isn't there for my needs?

My ex was never there for my needs. However, I made him into a god right before my eyes. It was sick when I think about it.

Stay strong Nerdy!

November 6, 2007
2:51 pm
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thenerdyurbanite
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Happy Birthday Doris!! I wish you a year of peace, strength and love for yourself! Sorry I haven't been on yet today, it's my first day back to work and I'm buried under paperwork and payroll issues 🙁 I was just reading your post and while I agree with you that collectively we're still so very young and have a lot of maturing to do before we could understand what we really need/want in our lives, but I'm 23 and an old soul at that. I didn't have much of a childhood and have been on my own since I was 13 so my experiences and my maturity I feel are a bit evolved for my age...but none the less...my ex who still lives at home and is still very sheltered by her parents is 21 going on 15 so I should have seen this coming. I guess it's hard because when we lived together in college she was so mature but then would regress to this infant like behavior and I just never saw anything wrong with it...you may vomit now lol...I chuckled at that post about when you emailed his brother about contacting you if he was ever ill and it made me smile because I practically did the same thing to any mutual friends...once again...feel free to puke 🙂

Rising: You're absolutely right, its 50% general love and concern for her and another 50% of desperately trying to keep the door open. It's ironic because I don't really want the door open--I want her in or out and I want to feel better. But I'm so scared to let her go even though she is already gone. When we split she told me that it wasnt my fault, that she never wants me to change who i am because Im perfect and she loves me, she just doesnt think I'm the one anymore. I still feel so responsible and that's my issue--I know. As MsGuided said my need for her to fix me was/is too much for her to handle and that's why I feel so incredibly guilty. I never wanted her to feel like she had to fix me. All I wanted was for her to be there and support me throughout life but she was the first person I ever let into my life and throwing that all on her, and only her for three years must have been tremendous to carry. I want to apologize to her for that. She knows I'm sorry, and I've addressed this to her before, but I just feel like if only I took better care of myself and my emotional health than she'd still be here with me. And that's why I keep clinging to those open doors...because I want her to see the changes Ive made, am making and will continue to make--but I want her in my life. Everyone keeps telling me that it's great that I have this self awareness and now all I have to do is fix these things about me I don't like so that my next relationship won't repeat it. But what about this relationship?? This is the relationship I want; the one I'm committed to. How can I find the desire to do all of this hard self work if at the end of the day I'm alone without her? That's what keeps me emotionally paralyzed, I want her back still and I can't stand the thought of it ending because of me.

November 6, 2007
3:06 pm
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DorisDay
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Hi Nerdy!

My ex told me that I should have stayed in therapy..and he should have insisted I stay in therapy. I had started back in June but my insurance was screwed up and wasn't paying it..and the $170 per week was too much without my insurance.

Anyway, I too thought 'oh if only I had stayed in therapy..if only I didn't snap at him prior to his business trip..if only...' Well, first of all, everybody has room for improvement...HOWEVER...none of us should change ourselves and who we are. For example, I like to vent. I am not complaining, just venting. That would drive HIM nuts..however, THAT IS ME. He hates dogs; I have three. He would have been so content if I gave them to the pound to serve and love him 100%...but that is NOT me! He needs to find somebody who doesn't love their dogs on the bed. I am NOT changing.

And furthermore, he busted me about my beloved Bon Jovi! Well, the love I have for them will never change..so there is the door, lover, and don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out!

I think your ex needs to grow....and you need to find somebody who you CAN lean on. I clearly couldn't lean on my ex, either..he could have cared less when my 17 year old dog died on when I was sick. I needed love, and he was void!

November 6, 2007
3:10 pm
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thenerdyurbanite
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p.s. I was sleepless last night and aimlessly checking my friends away messages to see if anyone was awake and I looked at my ex's brothers away message and there was a link to her new song..shes a singer in an indie band and I was actually helping her write this song right before we broke up...so stupidly I listened to it and you know what its really friggin good. And i cried my eyes out for hours over it so upset because I wanted to be able to tell her how good I thought it was, and how I wish i could have been there the first time she sang it, etc etc etc so I decided to journal as if I was talking to her directly and all I got out of it was all the reasons why she should come back to me, and all the wonderful memories we had and other sappy bs like that. My friend raised an interesting point to me that as soon as something ex related happens I immediately go into terror mode and talk about how horrible it is and how bad i feel etc etc but he doubts that i actually allow myself to feel that feeling. I'm not an open person, which is why talking to you all is greek to me lol, but my friend suggests that the pain i experience is real but I dont actually feel it and therefore how can I move on from it if I never feel it. It's like I'm terrified that the pain I feel will actually kill me. Any thoughts?

November 6, 2007
3:14 pm
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thenerdyurbanite
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DD, thats what I'm calling you from now on lol, I totally understand where you are coming from with dogs. I have a puppy and I am absolutely in love with him, I cant sleep unless he is in bed with me. Ironically, my ex loved him just as much and he would sleep right in the middle of us lol....so screw your ex for not knowing the love of a dog!!!

November 6, 2007
3:38 pm
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DorisDay
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Experts say if somebody doesn't like animals..run.

If they can't have one due to scheduling, that is understandable. But if they hate pets..RUN.

I am running...lol.

November 6, 2007
3:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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nerdy - thing is - what kept you guys together for three years - the things that did - is what MAY pull you apart now if you tried to get back together.

You see - you are putting ALOT Of this failure on you - IF ONLY you fixed this or that - and NOW you think, since you are fixing it - things may work.

But chances are, they won't....high probability they won't.

Consider this - if she was an alcoholic - and you were codep....that was the "glue" that held you together - if you stop being codep - and she does NOT stop drinking - the crap on her end doesn't stop either.

So, the appeal goes away - cuz now, you see the issues - and don't want to fix them - or stick around stuck in the drama.

Whatever the "glue" that held you two together - was dysfunctional - so if you remove your half - the rest crumbles.

Maybe if you are "whole" - the appeal/need to fix you is gone - so it would fail.

Or - MAYBE - once you fix YOUR stuff - HER PROBLEMS would be revealed, making you realize she isn't all that and a bag of chips.

Look, my exex came back to me last fall - he had been with a woman for last three years and I was with another guy during that time...this was the first time we had BOTH been single - and he looked me up - wasn't hard, I left the door open for him.

We talked - and I have grown ALOT in the last year alone - and he's done some growing too - BUT - he STILL drinks.

And because I have grown so much - I was able to keep myself "detached" from the "fantasy thinking" and see it for what it really was.

He bitched about his exes cleaning habits - but when I showed up at his house (he KNEW I was coming too), the house was FILTHY. He spoke of her habit of leaving dirty dishes in the bedroom - yet, when he showed me the computer room - his dish of pasta from three nights ago (during one of our chats) was sitting on the pile of stuff in there.

So, I could see that - and know that not alot had changed....that he was still the same old guy.

I love him to death - and would LOVE to have a fairy tale ending to this - but because I have grown and recovered - I was able to clearly assess the possibility of this happening - and walk away, FINALLY closing the chapter on this book I left open so long ago.

I don't contact our mutual friend anymore....I feel guilty on some level, cuz I never explained why and this guy was a nice guy and probably was hurt....but I just stopped.

Now, I still drop my exex an email or two - short ones - no emotion - detached - but I can talk to him as a friend now - and not get those "pangs" of "what if", or "if only".

Once you recover - you may start seeing that this would not work - no matter how much work you do.

And perhaps - you DID start doing some work - and that's why she didn't feel it would work - cuz things DID change and she could see it wasn't going to work out in the end....who knows.

Thing is - what brought you together, and kept you together - will change once one person starts making life altering changes....and not all relationships survive.

Look at people who get gastric bypass and lose a ton of weight - more than half those marriages fail - they provide deep counseling for all patients because of this - cuz it changes people....not just on the outside...but how they think, feel, react and ineract.

this is no different.

November 6, 2007
6:52 pm
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MsGuided
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urbanite
I can be really blunt, and I'm glad you didn't take things wrong.
You're obviously very creative and you shared some very intense times.

I can understand that because I too am creative ( I was always able to draw realistic and imaginative since i was a kid with no training.)
Artists have such heightened awareness and wear their emotions on their sleaves sometimes, or we sublimate feelings into lyrics, poems, plastic arts performance.etc.
I had a BF I met, after a horrible relationship with somebody, while in Univeristy In Montreal( 80's a lifetime ago). I was taking fine arts, he was there as a writer (he had graduated Queens in English Lit and Spanish) I fell so intensely for him and it was temultuous. He treated me great when we were togehter, we would draw, paint and he would compose on the guitar, we would prepair wonderfull meals and have dinner parties with his room-mates BUT he idn't want to get serious. He had to have space to write....he pulled away and I was so broken. He eventually came around ( at Xmas when i stayed in mOntreal, he returned from home 'cause he had to be with me) tho and we spent the remaining year together.

After I finished school we went our seperate ways. He up north to work, me out west to my job. I eneded up staying out there for 4 years since i loved it so much.

Those times were so tough. I wanted him to be with me so bad and it never worked out.( he had some emotional issues and had a gay experience...)
BUT! I moved on couldn't wait anymore and today we still remain friends. HE ironically ended up moving to BC in his thirties after I had come back home.

He never really hurt me (only himself) he told me he didn't want to drag me around with his inner demons. Today he has kids that he has trouble bonding with ( he hasn't been a stable force, not uncaring, but he has some bonding issues and kinda went nutty)
To me he will always be special, and represent a wonderfull time in my life. The friendship door is always open to him. In fact I hope he comes home this Xmas so I can see him. It's been about 7 years now.

Not all realationships have to end completely. They can become something else if both parties have mutual respect.
Maybe one day you will find some comfort in platonic communication..
Time either brings you back together or you finally drift away to where you belong.

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