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I'm not sexually attracted to my boyfriend
February 10, 2005
10:36 am
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pathfinder
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I have been considering wether or not to remain in this relationship. He adores me and wants to marry me. I remain ambivalent. My family loves him too. I told them about my sexual issue and they suggested I try to work it out because a good man is so hard to find. Does comfort and security mean lack of passion and excitement? I feel so guilty about this. I absolutely would NEVER cheat. I know this is not an option for me. So I have to decide either I stay, or I go.
Anyone out there experienced or experiencing a similar problem? Please help.Also please read my response to catepillar "what is wrong with me???" thread to get more detailed information on my situation. Thanks!

February 10, 2005
10:40 am
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Anonymous
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Well I had a similar situation with this guy who I was engaged to right out of high school actually like 3rd year in college, but anyways, he was comfort, security, and everything, wasn't attracted to him sexually, no passion NOTHING. He was a great guy, treated me with respect and love. BUt I couldnt do it, I had this feeling that he just wasnt the one. The person I marry Im going to be excited to see and turned on by.

I know passion isn't everything but I feel strongly about it.

But only you will know if you want to marry him. If he is that great, think about when you are 80 and sex and passion won't matter : ) .

February 10, 2005
10:49 am
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CAMER
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it seems here that the hardes thing is to break his heart, heck maybe he thinks things are great, and like me i hate breaking men's hearts, i'd rather have them get pissed at me and dump me...but the is the weak way out.
I think there will have to come a point in your life when you will just get sick of him. A man can be great, kind, loving, stable, but if you don't "feel" any feelings sexually, what fun is that??? I am one to talk, cuz i am in the same boat, only been 6 months though, and i know one of these days, i will have the strength to just walk away, then i keep thinking well maybe it will just get better. Know you are not alone.

February 10, 2005
11:21 am
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Worried_Dad
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What do you mean "not attracted?" You think he is ugly? He is bad in bed? Are you attracted to ANY man?

February 10, 2005
12:12 pm
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jastypes
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You may want to talk to people who have been married a while. I have been married 20 years. We were sex fiends at the beginning of our relationship. My personal experience is that that kind of passion and lust does not carry one through life, nor does it carry ON through life. I'd say that after a few years (and 4 kids) our sex life became comfortable and routine, rather than exciting and passionate. I don't know if this is the case for all or most married couples. Also, of course, we had other issues involved (the main reasons for my being part of this site) including drug addiction (his) and co-dependency (mine).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sexual attraction is not all a relationship is about. It's nice to have it, but at the end of the day other things are much more important and long lasting. A good man IS hard to find has been my experience, and my advice to my own daughter would be to marry a man who loves her for who she is, and make sex secondary to that.

jill

February 10, 2005
12:13 pm
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addicts wife
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well, I had a dilema with a guy whe nI wa s20 something..Barely.. and I liled him A LOT, but the problem was he was such a BAD kisser, that i couldnt get past that.. I couldnt let him do anything else, I souldnt stand kissing him, So ieventually broke it off, I felt so guilty but It got to the point that i fraded even a phone call, so it had t ohappen... and a few years ago I was starting to date again after taking a vow of celibacy to "re group" and figure out what i needed to work on about myself, thinking I needed to learn what i needed, and wanted and to work on rape issues, and lack of father issues etc... So, whatever,I got my own apartment, no roomates, and I did all this great stuff, and I started dating again, and I dated a couple guys with No expectations ,We just"went out" a few times, and there was one I was really liking becasue he was caring, smart, FUNNY, and had his shit together, but i realized that "IT" just wasnt there" and we didnt push it, westopped dating, and we are still good friends today... I dont know if you can get anything out of this, but I hope it helps you sort out some stuff That YOU need for YOU...

February 10, 2005
12:16 pm
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marley
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I think that if you aren't attracted to your boyfriend you shouldn't marry him - by all means don't marry a guy JUST because you are sexually attracted to him either because that fades too. But I would just try to take a step back, tell him you aren't sure you are ready and able to make the kind of commitment he wants from you. The lack of attraction could be because you are just afraid. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want.

February 10, 2005
1:29 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Pathfinder,

If I were you, I would pray! This is the simple practical approach, at least for me and any wise person who wants God's best for them.

A good marriage is when both the heart and mind go together, when both rational thinking goes hand in hand with chemistry.

I was once courted by a man who was indeed very kind, warm and caring. But there was no chemistry from my side. Although he was attracted to me.
Too bad! But I can not make love to someone I am not attracted to, no matter how sweet he is!

So, to put it even more simple, pray and God will put the answer in your heart!

God bless you sweetie!

February 10, 2005
2:09 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Well, sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is, after all the defining feature of what is called a "sexual relationship."

Who wants to marry someone who is not sexually attracted to them?

I sure wouldn't.

February 10, 2005
2:11 pm
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caterpillar
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Pathfinder, I posted a similar response to you on my "What is wrong with me post...then I saw this one...

Have you EVER felt sexually attracted to your BF? We're going through so much of the same, except that my bf and I actually had an enjoyable sexual relationship until recently. It's almost like it changed overnight...I don't know what happened. He actually told me that he feels like he's sharing a bed with a stranger when we're in bed together. I used to be the one to always initiate sex, but now, it just seems that the emotions have gone from it on my part and I get irritated more than anything when he tries to touch me. He'll play in my hair and it'll feel almost the same as when I hear someone scratching a chalk board. I love him, but more as a friend and it hurts me to see him hurting as a result of this but I don't know what to do.

I hate that I feel this way, after all these years of not getting the affection that I so badly wanted.

I used to love him the way that he seems to want now, but I just don't feel it now. Sometimes I feel that maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist and maybe I should just take it for what it is...but then I can't imagine ever being happy. I know that I need to find myself although I'm not so sure how to go about it. I just realize that I can't be happy with someone else unless I'm happy with myself. I think that i've been looking to him to make me happy and that's not fair to him. I'm just really confused right now...trying to work things out.

I feel in my heart that I know what's best for me, even though I don't seem to believe that I do. I just have to have faith in myself and the decisions that I make, and realize that it's okay to make a mistake...even though I think that choosing to myself could never be a mistake. I know that you know what's best for you in your heart too. We'll be okay. It's not a choice of whether to be with him or not....it's a choice of if you want to choose yourself and make yourself happy. That's the way that I'm looking at it now. Acting on it is another story though...but we'll be okay.

February 10, 2005
2:22 pm
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on my way
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I think age is a factor. Are you younger where sex may be more important, or are you older..where the "focal point" is having someone to grow old with, a companion, someone to talk too, do things with, enjoy family with...it makes a difference I think.

February 10, 2005
2:28 pm
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kathygy
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I wouldn't marry a man I don't feel sexually attracted to no matter how wonderful he was. Part of a relationship to me is sexual intimacy. The better the relationship the better the sex. I would tell him the truth. He needs to know how you feel.

February 10, 2005
2:32 pm
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on my way
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Just read your other thread. This is a hard one. I would think that if you are not sexually attracted to him that this may be a pivotal point in your relationship in the future as an excuse to divorce...maybe? On the other hand if you love him and are willing to work out these differences and you think that it is possible then marry him. But if I were you, I would curently take my time, be sure, and not be pushed into anything to please him or my family, because it may come back to bite you. Only you know for sure.

February 10, 2005
2:33 pm
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anxiousmist
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I don't think that it's so much you aren't sexually attracted to him. You are aware that there is security in this relationship and that you will be well taken care of. But I would hope that it's safe to assume, that you have finally found a guy who will treat you well as opposed to other boyfriends you may have had who have treated you badly or where you have had to work extremely hard to make it work.

I think that the issue is that there is no drama with this guy. Does this make sense to you? I have known and have personally gone though being in relationships where there is so much drama...and the sex seems to be amazing. But I am now married and there is no more drama. Sometimes is seems dull and routine...but just the fact that I know I have the security and someone who deeply care for and respects me is such a turn on. All I have to do is think about all of the wonderful things that he does for me....and I am ready to jump into bed. Sorry if this is TMI, but it's true.

Have you tried this??

I hope this helps. Good Luck.
~Anx~

February 10, 2005
5:14 pm
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JohnMurphy
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I come accross this thread and I recall how I have a similar setup: I am the nice guy whom the girl is not 'attracted' to.

I just look deep into her eyes and she cannot conceal that. She's also quite honest about that, at least in her manner. I thank her for that, for I appreciate sincerity. It also looks like she would expect me instead to 'conquer' her, chase her or whatever. Instead, I prefer to let go and cut the loss short. I am not being valued for who I am, as I am, and I don't like this setup. I have no hard feelings about her. I wish she may find someone she loves.

February 10, 2005
5:23 pm
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brdawi
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To: JohnMurphy!
Well put. I agree.

To: Pathfinder:

You should let him go. Allow yourself to find someone to make you happy. Allow him to find someone he makes happy.

February 22, 2011
12:03 pm
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@johnmurphy

i need the kind of strength you have. ive been dating the same girl for almost 5 years. the first 2 years were great. sex was never a problem. the last 3 years have been so much different. ive been doubting her the whole time. every time i try to get some straight answers about it, she just gets defensive and shrugs it off. then this morning i wake up to her pretty much grimacing at me. then the truth just pours out of her mouth. i get it. ive been short my whole life. male pattern baldness is a b****. what am i to do at this point? my pride says to get out of this, dont subject yourself to this crap anymore. its so hard. she really was everything i couldve wanted in a partner, i just cant live with feeling like im holding her back, and i cant live life knowing im not appreciated for the things that actually make a difference in the larger scheme of things. she claims that she loves me, that no matter what she will. im not willing to be set up for infidelity in the future. ive been cheated on and i wont let it happen again. i just dont know how im supposed to feel, how im supposed to act, what im supposed to do. i work out, i can get rogaine, i brush my teeth, im not overweight... what is there to do to fix this relationship and if i fix it will things really be any better?

February 22, 2011
1:06 pm
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StronginHim77
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Amazing that you found (and resurrected) this old thread.  I haven't seen "JohnMurphy" on this Site in years.  Hopefully, there will be other posters who have experienced the dilemma which you currently face and are able to share supportive help from their own experiences.

-  Ma Strong

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