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I'm Not Mother!
January 25, 2005
5:45 pm
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Jude
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My husband grew up with an alcoholic mother so, needless to say, his childhood was difficult. Now, as a married adult, he brings those subconscience feelings into our relationship. He thinks that I must be happy and pleased with everything that he says and does and makes these dramas inside his head when nothing is going on. "What is she going to think about this...oh no." "I don't want to ask her to go because she'll say no." You get the idea. Now, while it may not sound lke a problem, it is. We nearly split up a few years ago but went to counseling and I learned a lot. Unfortunately, he's still feeling guilty about just about everything he does. He's going to go back to counseling so we'll see. Does anyone have any tips for me while we go through this AGAIN? Thanks very much.

January 25, 2005
5:48 pm
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marley
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What exactly is the issue? when you say he needs you to always be happy and pleased, what is wrong?

January 25, 2005
6:04 pm
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Jude
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Mother had to be happy or she would go off on a week-long toot so the family was always walking on eggshells. Now he feels as if I have to be treated the same way. You know, don't say anything that I might not like or don't make me angry about anything. No problems on my end--this all goes on in his brain.

January 25, 2005
8:44 pm
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opal
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hi jude,

continue counselling, your hunsband needs to be able to talk freely about what happened to him as a child, and he needs to see himself as a valuable person in his own right, not just someone who needs to please other people.

though it is hard for you, your husband can not stop his behaviour as easily as you may think, support him as best you can, if you show you are disappointed with him, (even showing how much you hate that he always feels as though he needs to make you happy), he will only continue to do as he has always done and try to please you more, it's a vicious circle.

the only advise I can give you is to take each day as it comes, starting the day new, not thinking of what happened the day before, and not thinking of tomorrow, otherwise it will seem endless and it may become far too much for you to deal with, get out of the house as much as you need and do somethings that are just for you, hang in there, and never give up hope.

January 25, 2005
8:58 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Here's another idea. Everytime he does something good for you tell him: "You make me so happy." That is it.

This isn't a problem. This guy isn't a bad man. He may have some habits that make him seem sniveling but that's nothing.

Sorry it makes you frustrated. I certainly don't want to be that kind of guy when I find the woman of my dreams. The upshot of your situation is that whatever level of frustration you might be enduring, it is nothing compared to the daily travesty some women endure at the hands of abusive men.

January 26, 2005
11:36 am
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Jude
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Thanks for your input. I am encouraging him to see a counselor which will, hopefully, help. I know he IS a good man--I just can't imagine going through life feeling guilty about everything. The pressure made him "blow" a few years back and it was ugly. I want him to get help before it happens again.

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