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i'm not having a good day Today (liss)
March 2, 2004
6:05 am
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LA Rosa
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Hello liss!

That must have been quite embarrassing for you in class - but hey, don't let it get to you - if you had any idea of all the times I have made mistakes - you'd probably be splitting your sides laughing.... thing is though - I'd probably start laughing to. Look at it positively - and smile to yourself for making a mistake. That's all it was - a little mistake that most probably will never happen ever again.

Would've liked to have gotten back a bit earlier than this - liss - but today was all taken up with medical tests.....blood, smear, mamograph and good news that my blood pressure is good and lost weight (5lbs).....and hopefully all the results will be positive. Do you see the doctor and have some tests done sometimes? I remember wondering about all the poeple who found out that there was something seriously wrong with them......far too late. So the next time I saw my doctor, I asked him if I could have some tests done...... just to check to see that all was well. One blood test confirmed that I didn't have cancer or diabetes - I mean - I'd never been tested for these before and they are in the family. I'm used to having blood tests done to check my medication levels - and just thought that it would be a good idea to ask for the other things to be checked as well. The doctor had no hesitation to see that it was done - and I think he even thought it was good to do so to. So why hadn't he already done it? Why shouldn't everyone have these things and other things checked once in a while? It would save a lot of people's lives. I wanted to say that to let you see that sometimes you really have to ask for what you want or require.....it a good habit to get into - asking - when their is something you need or something you would like explained. That is a smart habit. So many people get this stupid idea that they've got to wait for others to ask them or tell them- or - think that others will think they're silly for not already knowing lots of stuff that they couldn't have known or just didn't know. It's all about learning - especially from our mistakes. You're doing just fine - enjoy learning - 'cause you'll be doing it for the rest of your life!

I think you would be a lot happier with a guy who wants to help you believe in the beautiful person that you are. If he isn't interested in doing that - then excuse me - but why not? That is moral support and freindship - that's got to be there - on both sides.

Btw, you could have been experiencing performance anxiety today. Anyone can pick up a bad habit here and there - so now I'll give you a little insight from the 'Women's Edge' - Health Enhancement Guide.

Some sneak up on you like a summer
thunderstorm. Others take a lifetime to develope - like lasting friendships. But bad habits - from hair twiling to nail biting, from caffeine "addiction" to reaching automatically for an alcoholic drink at the end of the day - are not freinds worth keeping.

What makes these seemingly innocent acts so bad for you? Some can slowly undermine your health. Others detract from your image as a woman. Still others can mar your appearance. And let's not forget one other fact. Your bad habits probably get on other people's nerves.

Once you've developed a bad habit, it can be tough to shake - unless you know the practical secrets that can help you replace bad habits with healthy ones. (To be coninued.)

There might be something to help with the scratching pimple one....that would be a great one for you to get over - and it will make you feel much better - and is definately within your capabilities - Yes?

So cheer up - liss - you should know thst have written down that joke about the mental institutde and read it to a few people and emailed it to an old freind - and they all thought it was very wittily done....so thanks again.

Be good - liss - and be well.

Love, LA Rosa

March 3, 2004
5:18 pm
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Hi liss!

Strangely enough, my doctor is so good in other matters - but - if there is something that I could be susceptable to.....then it must be only common sense to check for it. once in a while. Why wait until it becomes too well established? Then you'd really be wishing that you'd known much sooner.....and it is so avoidable. Anyway liss, I'm not a hypocondriac - but the point being is that the responsibiity for checking out some of those other things does seem to come down to yourself - just a simple request to your doctor. I think my doctor quite understood the benefits of it, as he had no qualms about giving me a blood test.

When my dad was diagnosed as having cancer - it was way too far gone! If only it had've been caught earlier! Every couple of years or so it's a good idea to just check out those medical complaints that are in your family.....if you aren't already doing so. Really it's just a bit of common sense. Best wishes for your mum - I once had a blurry one - and it was blurry the second time as well - then the third time I finally understood that all the commotion was about - until then though, it was very disconcerting....to say the least!

No, you don't have to get rid of your friends that have bad habits - it is 'your' bad habits that are not your friends.....that's why they are called 'bad' habits....that you'll be all the better for getting rid of. It's a bit like the lightbulb joke I told you about though - you've got to 'want to' get rid of it (the bad habit). It's just a matter of finding out how and what you are going to do about it/them. You certainly aren't the only one with some bad habits to get rid of. Sometimes we can become dependant or addicted to some of them too - like having certain people in our lives - even though they are bad for us. But bad habits are meant to be broken - and the sooner the better. Oh yes liss - I was meaning Christian - but didn't want to bring up his name! 🙂

The peformance anxiety was just a thought that I probably shouldn't have mentioned.....it was in connection with the math test - I was just wondering if you may have been having a lot of anxiety over how you would do in the test - and maybe that actually made it more difficult for you to concentrate on the problems at hand. It is not all that uncommon - a bit like stage fright, when the mind can go quite blank because of feelings of nervousness. Perhaps that's what happenned to me when I didn't even explain this at the appropriate time - blanked out! Good to see you asking to have it cleared up. 🙂

Talking about your face being greasy - Just yesterday I bought myself some cleansing lotion - Neutrogena Pore Refining Cleanser (and the toner was free) - it clears the pores of course, but it also said at the bottom, that if you experience dryness or irritation, use less frequently. Maybe it would be good for your oily skin - and it has that Salicylic Acid in it, which is anti - pimples. It says that if you have any questions or comments to phone 1-800-582-4048 or http://www.Neutrogena.com Perhaps they could help you find a suitable product that could really help you? It certainly sounds like 'oily' is partially your skin type, and that's why I thought of you when I saw the possibility of dryness if I should overdo this cleanser. What kind of Neutrogena soap do you use? How are those dry areas you were having problems with?

That's a good idea liss - just spin out some of those impending emails, and finish them tomorrow. At least you've made a start. btw Hope you and your 'friend' were able to sort things out. What a surprise though - you just never know what's around the corner!

So sorry to hear of the little girl who drowned..... it's such a tragedy - such a severe outcome! My sympathies are with her family and friends at this time.

I hope your day is going well for you liss. Take care. CU

Love, LA Rosa

March 6, 2004
3:15 pm
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Hello liss!

Sorry about not getting back to you sooner - but I've been soo tired and also had soo much on my mind, that I couldn't focus on anything else.

When I used to witness my mum and dad having arguments - it was very distressing for me - I always thought that they just could've tried a bit harder to understand where they were BOTH coming from - then they could have resolved their conflicts much more amicably and effectively. It was so obvious that they were so stubborn and not willing to listen to each other. I told myself that I would never want to be in a relatationship where communication became so lacking in respect/consideration for both parties involved.

There are times when people can disagree - and there's absolutely nothing wrong or surprising about that.....it happens! Infact, I'll even go so far as to say it's healthy. Anyone who truly believes that disagreements won't happen in their personal relationship, are either very disillusioned or haven't got a grasp on reality (mentally unsound).

There has to be tolerance though, and a willingness to understand each other's differences of opinion or attitude or outlook.......so if there are certain things that you would not tolerate from your partner (or anyone for that matter) - it makes sense to know whether or not the other person is like-minded with you on whatever matter that may be. The other stuff is compromisable - which requires discussion and/or debate and certainly an open mind - not one that is so set on just getting it one's own way all the time. It is what they call 'Give & Take'....both ways!

So when it comes to whether or not you are going to follow in their (your parents) footsteps - that is up to you liss - because you don't have to if you don't want to. Because of not having the first hand experience of witnessing good communication though - that want you have, to stop the cycle from reacurring will mean that you are going to need a little educating on the subject, to understand how it's done.....most likely. People who are always reverting back to emotional tantrums and anger aren't really resolving the issue at hand - not even the emotional issue either. All the rational thinking has almost always been thrown out the back door and then it's tunnel vision from there on in......for the most part anyway.

My mother was mostly the instigator of these arguments at home I felt, and so my sympathies went to dad about 85 per cent of the time - even when I would tell myself to remain 50/50 - so in a way I made sure that I would never be like her in that way. Perhaps I went too far though in trying to keep the peace - not being able to function very well in an inharmonious atmosphere - or maybe I'm just more like my dad in temperament - my temper is there I know, but it does take a lot to get me going. I try to keep a lid on it and keep an open mind - but as I was once reminded - it really shouldn't be so open that your brains fall out.

There are couples that never argue - or disagree - but I have reservations about commenting on them - in most cases I would just like to have a closer look at their dynamics - behind the scenes of outwardly being the 'perfect' match. Who really knows - they could be just right for each other. I can't see 'anyone' agreeing with me all the time though!! That's to be expected, is the way I see it. One thing I do make a conscious effort to do - is to understand where 'he' is coming from - and that consideration is what I would genuinely appreciate from him in return - before he ever gets close to lashing out at me with verbal abuse and lack of any consideration except his own.....

There is really no need to let yourself get so out of control, that you have to defend yourself by getting involved in a slanging match. The answer is - not to get caught up in it to begin with. You have that control of your reactions - not theirs - but your own. There are better ways of managing your SELF. You don't have to take crap eiher! If you don't dish it out, you can know within yourself whether or not those people who get so angry with you - really have a problem with you - or if they just have a general problem which is theirs - nothing really to do with you at all. That's the way it is a lot of the time - so you can eventually pick up on which one it is - without getting all emotionally caught up in the fireworks! Keep your perspective and be prepared to improve on it - as you see fit. Don't lash out at others just because your in a bad mood - unless you're prepared to be so disrespectful to others that you don't care how you make them feel. They have feelings too - remember? How you could've ever gotten into this anti mum routine need to be sorted out fast - as it is no good (for either of you). How would you like your daughter (hypothetically) to talk to you in the manner that you do to your mum? Why are you feeling the 'need' to do this to her? Do you do it to your dad also, or just her? What happenned to being considerate? The big important question though is.....Do you want to change this behaviour?

I know you do feel things and care for people, maybe this is an area of your life that just needs a little understanding of yourself - from yourself.....and a good time to get to know more about liss - the real
woman! All part of your personal developement on your journey through life. Enjoy your travels - and opportunities to grow by your decisions.....now and in the future.

Be cool - liss - and take care of yourself - now & always.

Love, LA Rosa

March 8, 2004
1:19 am
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Ricco
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Today was my birthday and I spent it with my ex-love of my life, packing her things up from where we had lived as a couple. It's been 5-months since I last saw her, and even though we talk either at and ocasionly with each other somewhat daily, this has and shall be a time not to be forgotten anytime soon. My heart as it may be is left without! And seeing where I'm to go from here is without! Direction from this point on would be greatfully accepted!

March 8, 2004
3:54 am
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Hi liss!

Do you really think you would miss 'this asshole' for long, if he continued to betray your trust? Do you think you could feel good about yourself if you accepted his kind of love? Would you ever 'feel loved' by 'this asshole' as you have termed him? I know that I couldn't ever feel that way about the guy I was involved with. You would never catch me walking back into that scene again.....but the guy I'm talking about is a narcissist - and unfortunately he has caused a lot of pain to many people. So even though I miss the promise of budding love and happiness - I do not miss him!! I feared him!! He was never going to be my dream come true - he certainly wasn't who I thought he was. There WILL be another one for me - not someone who just needs me to keep his ego intact, by trying to take away my very identity. So he can fantisize that he is all powerful and the king of the castle - he who should be obeyed......I don't think so!!! It was just as well that he hadn't given me a little more time, otherwise he would have known a few other things about me.....but he just couldn't wait to get stuck into the big control routine. Next time round though - if there ever had been - I'm sure it would've been even more difficult for me to get out of. I've got a few photographs of him - but I hardly ever look at them - I don't see him in the same way that I used to, when I thought he could do no wrong - all they do now is remind me of when I was setting myself up for a big fall. My insatiable desire to love and be loved, had numbed my senses - I was hooked and blind to the manipulative tactics that were his forte`. Probably one day the photos will end up in the rubbish bin - where they really belong - but not this day. If you're not sure yourself - then don't concern yourself about it. You can always do it when you you want to. That's called keeping cool or detaching a bit - it can make life more comfortable and much less stressful. Got it?

btw liss - I was just saying that I think that when two people go into a relationship - they should realistically expect to have 'some' disagreements - sometimes. If you go into a relationship thinking that there will only be sheer bliss and perfect harmony - don't you think that is just setting yourself up for a disappointment? I wasn't talking about physical violence though. My mum and dad only had one violent incident - when I was ten - and my dad had lost it completely - he wasn't drunk or anything - I walked into the lounge and my mum was being punched all over - I was shocked!! So shocked that I was reduced to curling up on a chair, crying inconsolably. I couldn't move or think of what to do..... fortunately my older brother came in and ended up running next door (neighbours) to phone the police! I was very proud of him for doing that.....he didn't waste any time.

That was NOT a disagreement! It was a battering!! If they had only known how to communicate. There was no excuse for what my dad did though - he had gone MAD!! These parents (yours and mine) get so caught up in their personal feud that they cannot even remember to consider the children. It's reasonable to expect the occasional disagreement to crop up from time to time - it's just my opinion though.

Like the example you mentioned..... which is really a personal preference: c likes dogs - you don't (or don't think you do). When c wants to have a dog and you do not want one - then there is a disagreement. That's when it's time to discuss the subject in a rational manner.... esrecially assuming that you were both living together. Perhaps it would be good to find out how much c really wants a dog - how nuch do you not want one? - has he always wanted one or is it just now that he does? - have you never wanted one or is it just now that you don't? - is it really practical to have one anyway if you did both decide to get a little puppy? - will the dog have enough room to run around? ect - and the financial costs involved for food and veterinary expenses? ect - do you both like cats? ect ect At the end of the day there is a really important question - If you knew that c didn't like cats and you did - would you insist on getting a cat anyway? Would it depend on certain things? What things? How much of a priority is a dog or cat or whatever it may be, compared with the happiness of your 'mutually' loving relationship? It's meant to be BOTH ways - mutual - with room for give and take. Without any giving & taking what would really be the point? If it proves to not be mutual - then what sort of a relationship is it? Is it what you really thought it was? So that is why it is important to make sure that you know what you're getting into - especially before any babies need to be taken into consideration.

Hope you are keeping on taking good care liss - and keep cool.

Love, LA Rosa

What you have witnessed with your mum and dad is traumatic liss - and you can see first hand how destructive this uncontrollable anger can be. You do not have to fear that you will follow in their footsteps though - because you too can learn from their mistakes. That could be the big silver lining out of all of this.... perhaps. Any partner of mine would appreciate sharing an atmosphere of peace and harmony - that's essential.
What about you though liss? Are you in danger of being physically abused yourself at home?

March 11, 2004
8:26 pm
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LA Rosa
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Hi liss!

OK - can you just bear with me while I give a big scream! Right now liss - that feels much better - and you certanly don't have to talk to yourself! I'm just going through a change - I can feel it. I think I must be getting psyched up to make a stand on some issues that have been hanging in the background - waiting for me to 'decide' WHEN I was going to do face it/them. They should be looked at - and I still don't know if I can. So it's hard for me to give support to you, on matters that I should really be facing myself. Making life decisions and following-through on them is a big issue of mine - and not being so hung-up on getting things right so much - and opening up more. How's that for starters. I'm trying to keep cool (composed) but it isn't helping me enough. Some decisions need to be made. How do you feel about making decisions Liss? I know we make them everyday - but when certain decisions are called for - I am at a loss - and feel as though I am incapable. As you would say 'It sucks!'

It can't help you feel good when you don't believe you know things either. However, you do know some things - as well you obviously know. btw I know 'I' wouldn't want to be cleaning up dog or cat poop all the time - and wouldn't think that I would. I'd house train a pet - it doesn't take all that long. So why say that you don't want one - because of that reason?

I wish I could come out with things the way you do - like saying explicitly 'I'M LAZY' - it must feel good to get it off your chest like that..... you just have to be careful though, that you don't get caught up in the self-fulfilling prophesy - by keeping on telling yourself that you are a LAZY person, it makes it too easy NOT to do things - because you just can't be bothered doing them - you are LAZY - and so I won't do it. When you 'label' yourself like that - (I AM LAZY) or by saying 'I don't know' all the time.......you could be actually be talking yourself into believing those things - and then very negatively condition yourself to behave that way. It's so very self-destructive, and doesn't make anything easier for you - in the long run. You could 'decide' to change that pattern - but that would require effort. What motivates you to make effort? I am asking because I am probably lacking in it myself - AND also because I think it is a question tha would be good for you to consider as well. What get's you to do things?

I want to, infact I 'need'to, make a few changes.....that's why I came to AAC. I've been feeling uncomfortable about mentioning that I find it so very difficult to actually 'make' changes. That's why the delay - which I do regret liss - and I'm ashamed of myself for not getting back sooner - I certainly don't want to stop talking to you either. I do want to make changes though.....which I'm feeling sensitive and embarrassed about.

I was just so relieved to hear that you aren't in any physical danger at home - and that your mum & dad have established their limits of contention - to arguing - without the physical violence......the verbal is quite bad enough.

Were you able to find out how you could stop your runny nose? It's been like that for a while now. Why do you think that is?

Thank you for keeping in touch, and I'll get back to you regarding your postscipt on the eigth.....sorry for not getting back sooner. Hope you are well & taking care. CU

Love, LA Rosa

March 14, 2004
3:31 pm
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Hi liss!

Sometimes it's hard to accept things - like needing help - I can't keep telling myself that I can get things done by staying cool (like feeling I've got my life under control). That's why I want you to know - especially since I've been advising you to be cool - it takes more than just that, to change things for the better. I felt that realisation hitting home LOUD & CLEAR.....and was difficult to cope with. I hope you understood that the scream at the beginning of my last posting - was to let you know the pressure I was feeling - and that I wasn't screaming at you! I wouldn't do that!

Guess what I found out today? It ISN'T easy to house-train dogs. So I got that well and truly wrong! I see what you mean about having a dog for a pet - it would be a lot of ongoing work.....and dedication. I love dogs but haven't ever been in the position to seriously consider adopting one. A stray black & white shorthaired cat (who was found under a paint factory and actually pink & green when I first saw him), Willie & I called him Muffin - and another one who was a ginger & white halfcast Persian kitten, called Scallywag. So easy to house-train and not so in need of attention - and didn't eat as much. So it was Willie (my son) and I, and Muffin& Scallywag.....just a little nostalgia I wanted to share with you.

My brain turns a bit 'stupid' on me too at times! I'm sure I could rationalise that one away without a doubt.....thing is though......we have to 'decide' whether or not we want to remain 'stupid', once we 'know' we're being 'stupid'. Do you think that's a fair comment? Or do you think that once 'stupid - always 'stupid'? I don't wan't to make the same 'stupid' mistakes - over and over again. Changing our ways is no easy task - we have accepted them for a long time - we might not like all of them, but they are familiar and we identify with them. When you keep saying 'I don't know' off the top head - I'm getting the feeling that it just sounds like a defense system you've got in place - it would've been instilled there for a very good reason - but what will happen when that reason no longer applies? Those three words - I Don't Know - are so easy to say - that they can become like second nature - become ingrained. No wonder it's so difficult for you to make decisions! They are very powerful words that don't sound as though they want to help you. The negative words that I want to get rid of are 'I Don't Matter', even though I know I must! I've got to get rid of them! First you know you've got them....then you 'Decide' if you want rid of them - but that's as far as your going to get a lot of times, because how can you Decide when you don't know? or if you don't matter? Get it? I know I'm raving a bit but the is supposed to be some point to it...somewhere! 🙂

Have you started using Dove Bottle? I hope it'll bring good results so you can see some improvement soon - liss.

It's easy to understand why you'd want to keep your distance with 'you know who'.....

AFTER ABRUPT STOP....(it's now the next day - I was told that I wasn't to stay on the 'computer' at the time I am used to - because now it disturbs 'his' sleep. When he came out of his room he said "Why do you do this? You know I have to get my sleep!" His bedroom is diectly off the lounge where the TV (computer)is, (always has been)and he wants to be able to have the door left open - I don't make any noise to disturb his sleep as it is - but if I stay up at night and that door is open - I won't be able to have any light either, I already know that too would disturb his sleep. So it meane I'll just have to spend my time in my room to keep out of his way and not disturb him.....that means not being able to make ANY noise if I want to make a cup of coffee or anything outside of my room.....the kitchen is adjoining the lounge - I am too restricted already but now I'm expected to go to my bedroom no later than 8.30pm. He really is just letting me know - that he is going to be having things the way he likes them - even if it is unreasonable. He wants the bedroom that I'm in as well - so whatever he wants he shall have......it's his place! And I really do need to get out of it - otherwise I think I'm going to lose it! (my sanity) It was always supposed to be tempory anyway - unless I totally reject myself by going into denial - and gave him what he wants......that I can't honestly give him...... a like mind / I could go alone with having a mindset that is on the same wavelength as his..... he is so oppressively anti depth of character and void of any emotion that doesn't concern his financial health. He makes me sick! When he views his son (my son) the same thing applies......he doesn't have any capacity for feeling how Willie could be feeling - what he may be going through himself - all he sees are the things that prove that he was right in never even try to work on improving their communication problems.....right when they began - when I let him know that is really did need him to make the first move - but he wouldn't/couldn't.

I think it's a good thing that you're going to keep your distance from Y.K.H. at least until you can trust him - and I hope it works out well for you......but you can uderstand why I cannot get too optimistic right now....just have to see how it goes! You have moved on liss - you don't have to settle for crap - you are worth & deserve much more than that - so stay as strong as you can.....and remember to stay focused on the truth - it's better to 'know', than to brush the truth so far under the carpet that you cannot see it anymore. I do hope it turns out well for you though.

Be well & take care. CU as soon as

Love, LA Rosa

Love, LA Rosa

and you know that I so long as you do know it's true unless you find out one day that it isn't really true - then all if a sudden you'll find answers to 'what makes me tick'

March 14, 2004
6:42 pm
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LA Rosa
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Back again liss.....

Do you see what I mean about needing to get out of this place I am living? It's getting to me - I know I shouldn't be here - I don't belong here.....and there is no good that can come of me dwelling any longer. The writing is on the wall - and I can read it!

I'll have to find somewhere else to stay - a place to call home - where my heart is!

Wish it wasn't like this - but it is. I'll feel a lot better when this is behind me. Until then - as usual, I can only do my best....and need to try harder to do so - no more than that. Sounds so simple. So as long as you understand - liss - that I'm sorry for not being able to write as often as I would like to.... just right now.....know that it is NOT because of any change of feelings towards you liss......just that I am under pressure at this time. CU & take care. BBFN

Love, LA Rosa

March 20, 2004
10:04 am
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Hi Lisset,
Just sending you a hug and a wish for a quickly remodeled bathroom. Hope that you find some beauty in your day.

March 21, 2004
11:06 pm
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Hi liss!

SURPRISE!!

Nice to be back to see you again in/on print! *Big Congratulations* liss - for getting your math test results up!! I wouldn't be comparing any math test that I did, with Carlos
- he is goooood! Btw - they also say that girls do better in English - but it didn't put Shakespear off! 🙂

Fortunately I haven't had to go to sleep at 8-30pm - as I can still read in 'my' room. It wasn't so much the noise that I thought would disturb him - and btw he is NOT my husband - we have been divorced since 1975 - that's long before you were even born - BUT he has never stayed out of my life. He moved in two numbers down the road from me (about 100 yards away) when I had legally separated from him and had purchased a little place for me and Willie (who was just a toddler(. We had been married for three years before Willie was born - in which time he drank far too much, was nothing like the sweet easy-going (although boring) guy that I thought he was. Argumentative and aggressive, jealous if I even looked in a man's direction, proposed marriage to me when I was gently trying to end the relationship (won't go into details just now), but just keep in mind that I was only sixteen at the time and he was twenty-two and I had only known him two weeks! Bottom line is that he was always hanging around in my life - and because of my very difficult circumstances and financial health - I was in a very vulnerable situation - and trying hard to cope with being a good mother and adequate provider for myself and young Willie, who was only three months old when I packed our bags and went home to my parents......before moving into our own home....financed from the insurance money from the 'accident' - which was a pitance really, but gave me enough to put down the deposit and I was entitled to srecial rates of repayment because of my circumstances. So all the money I had went into the low - maintainance little place for the two of us. I ended up taking some assisstance from ex-H!! That was probably (in hindsight) a very BIG mistake! The only reason I came to stay here with him - is because I was making my return back to NZ, after getting away from the narcissist - and this was the only place......blah blah blah Always intended to be tempory but I wanted to see if I could square things up with Willie before moving anywhere else.....and as you alredy know what a lot hinges on Willie, regarding my finances - I have some fear about moving as well...... 'the brain turns stupid'. Gotta get into organising for the impending shift......the way it will be if I need to do it without any of my life's savings!! I've been able to save a little while being here - but only a small ammount. I had it so firmly implanted in my mind that I would have the money from the sale of the property. All this shock to the system that I've been through over the past couple of years, has just been a bit much.....but I'll get there - somehow - somewhere! I've calmed down a lot since the last time I wrote - so I'm getting psyched up - I really have to.

Y.K.H. is just put instead of mentioning the dreaded name Christian or even the abbreviated 'c'. It just means... 'You Know Him' a slightly different and more specific way of saying 'You Know Who'.....or maybe it was a mistake? 🙂

This week I've been phoning the office where Willie works, to see if I can speak to him. Always getting the answer phone. I know exactly what you mean and how it feels to have one's brain turn stupid.......and I could give you plenty of examples. Yes liss, got you loud and clear on that! I know that there are certain things that I need more information on, and things that I haven't had prior experience in handling before - but it can be so embarrassing and frustrating to be looking at a problem and feeling that it is yet another problem that seems to be 'out of depth'.

I just esked my ex-husband how his brother handles having two big dogs. The answer put me right in the picture, and I see what you mean about having a dog..... it does require dedication and effort. It was just that my sister has a couple of beautiful beagles - and she has never mentioned any problems with pooh poohs.......then again though - my sister and I don't talk all that much...... no arguments or anything - we haven't fallen out - we just don't communicate. Every time I've tried to ever get a little bit closer to her - she backs off and keeps me at arm's length. So that is the way it is - actually she doesn't talk much to our brother and not at all to our Mother.
I can understand why she is having problems with Mother though.

Here's Hoping that your dad will soon have the bathroom sink ready for use - in the not to distant future...... it sounds as though he has really put a lot of effort into making all those home improvements. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you won't have to wait much longer now

That can't be right though about having to cry on Sunday because you were laughing on Friday - that sounds like brainwashing! That could really put you off laughing on Fridays altogether! Doesn't make sense to me! Maybee if you laugh on Sunday then the coming Friday - you can have another laugh - without having to cry on Sunday....give it a go and see! 🙂

You may try gargling with some warm salty water or warm water with a crushed aspirin tablet in it, to help your sore throat liss......not more than every two to three hours for the aspirin though. Sore thoats are a pain .....hopefully it won't last too long by keeping your mouth very clean - so take care liss - and hope to see you soon. BBFN

Love, LA Rosa

March 28, 2004
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Hello liss!

Would you believe it?! Yesterday there was a power cut and all that I had writen to you - was wiped!

Life certainly can be difficult! You do come up with some very creative ideas liss - that indicate that you do have good feelings towards yourself. When you said that you would call your pillow - lisset. After all, YOU are the most important person in your life! OK, I know that the circumstances weren't as you would have liked them - and maybe this is the issue that is really getting to you right now - Christian. Btw, guess who I am naming my own pillow after? Yes - You got it liss! - LA Rosa! I think I'll settle for co-habiting with myself, instead og getting married - because how could I ever get divorced from myself - when it comes time to marry a feal live, walking, talking, living, dream come true!!!! Do you think I'm expecting too much? Tricky situation.....

Liss - I keep hearing you talking about your genes being the cause of a lot of your problems concerning losing your temper - and speaking perhaps impulsively. Do you not accept the theory that - YOU - do have some choice in the matter? Maybe you're thinking other people will not be very offended if you should say certain things - that they'll understand you don't realy wan't to hurt them. Fact is though liss - some people are very sensitive and even on your best behaviour, they may read into what you say and take it the wrong way. You don't need to add fuel to the fire though. I think you get angry , but it doesn't sound like a nasty, fasicious or mallicious agressive kind - it sounds like just plain frustration and aggravation. Just keep in mind that you do NOT want to lose control lie your Dad does....as you do not have to.....I think you could control your outbursts - if you wanted to - and sometimes you may simply not want to. Those will be the times when you believe you should express your anger.

It's upsetting to hear that you don't think anyone cares about you - that you're never feling good - and so much of what is called 'catastrophic thinking'. Lots of people care about you liss. You aren't 'always' having a bad time! I wish you could understand how destructive it is to talk to yourself like that - how much harder you make things for yourself! Why do you do it liss? You know, when I think of you, I see you as a person who has so much going for you - with plenty to look forward to - and many strong positive qualities. Someone who has found it difficult to get her head around a few things, sure - BUT definitely a person of integrity, with so much generosity of spirit and affection. Really liss - I cannot help but see you as someone I am very priviledged to know. Albeit online - you have shown time and time again what a caring soul you are. Actually, it had crossed my mind to put it to you, although I may be mistaken - in which case it just does not apply - do you think that others around you, who are important to you, are pleased for you when you do well - in scjool and in personal relationships and just about anything that you would expect that they should be giving you some genuine credit? The reason for mentioning it is because I know myself, that if that's the case, it is also very easy to get caught up in not upsetting any applecarts - and avoid the pain of not getting the desired feedback......praise - smiles - credit - self-esteem fix. Do you see where I'm coming from? When you live thinking that it doesn't matter what you do - the end result is going to be the same anyway - it certainly doesn't give a lot of incentive to do much about anything.....what would be the point? That kind of thinking doesn't get you anywhere except down. It's a mindset that just get stuck - but it's not supposed to - and there are ways to unstick it - especially once you (or I or anyone) know about it.

Could you please tell me if a 'radical' is the ammount that is left remaining, when the root number has been subtracted from it? eg. The square root of sixteen is four - so the radical equals 16-4 = !2. Twelve is the radical? Is that how it is?

It was sad to hear that you got knocked back on your test in English because of a solitary comma! That was really so mean!! (big hug) You are catching up though liss - and that is the most important point to keep in mind. Juat keep thinking how much more time you will have and how much better you will feel - when you're saying to yourself - "I DID IT!!"
Even just getting there is worth a lot of credit to you. You're doing your best - that means you're on the right wave-length with yourself.

Some good news from me is that I phoned Willie's work place a couple of days ago - and he is still there and seemingly well - going by the information I was given - by the kind lady I had emailed - who had been very considerate in doing some research work for me. She said that she couldn't phone throughto where he was working - but - that she would give him the message and he could call me at lunchtime - on the office phone!! So for three hours I had high hopes of hearing his voice. The bad news is - he hasn't phoned me back... How can he do this to me!??? It doesn't get much worse than this! You know - leaving me 'up the creek - without a paddle' - 'high and dry'. The way I'm feeling now is, that I'd just love to be there in America where he is......to see and talk with him again - and get to the bottom of all this great mystery routine. Willie should know better than that - why doesn't he communicate with me???!! Does he think I'll hate him or something, if he's lost all the money? Sorry liss - that was supposed to be 'good' news. Hopefully one day it will be.....

Some definite good news though is that I've just had a brainwave! I really don't quite understand how I hadn't thought of it before now! It frustrats me to think that there are so many logical answers to improve difficult circumstances. If only we could ask ourselves the appropriate questions. Bottom line is - regarding where I am living......get myself a little second-hand television set - so that I can avoid being 'shut down' at 8.00pm at night, and just put it in my room. THAT shouldn't disturb 'his' sleep - it's not as though I'd have any need for any sound. I thought of it yesterday - and mentioned it to him. Wouldn't you just know it! - he wasn't looking too pleased about it. hehehe 🙂 I wonder why that doesn't surprise me? That's Mr.Nice Guy for you! Glad that you know he's my ex-husband. I told him about my little idea, 'after' he had been giving me a lecture on - the price that people are not prepared to pay - to get ahead. Specifically, the price that he paid - AND - the price that I'm paying....making them sound as though there was no difference between them. It was basically intended to make me feel very ashamed of myself - AND - how inferior I am compared with him. So that's when I came out with my little brainwave - which 'really' set him back on his haunches. He hasn't figured it out yet - that I know his mindset - I know what he is up to - AND - he does make me feel nauseous. Yuck!!! I just have to get my head around LEAVING. It's only because it's who he is - the one who was always hanging around - very close. I do feel ashamed of being here though and don't know how I'm going to manage on my own.....but I need to find out how I can do it - in my circumstances - which would be hard enough to explain, never mind to be understood. Like yourself though liss - I will do my best to catch up on some of the ways of solving problems, that I still haven't learned - as yet.

Very sorry for not being able to get back sooner - as you know - I am trying to resolve THAT problem as we breath. Look after yourself and keep taking care. CU

Love, LA Rosa

March 28, 2004
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Hey Liss,

I'm pretty new to the site...but I'll let you in on something. Everyone thinks I'm super smart, but I can't do math. I took a math class, did all the problems in the text TWICE had someone help me three times a week and still only scraped by. But you know what? I passed. I worked really hard and I passed. And I've failed some stuff too. But it's not the end of the world. You just get up and try again and maybe do some stuff differently, like get a different teacher who explains better. Not everybody is good at everything. Maybe you just need to find what you're really good at. Maybe painting, singing, dancing, whatever. But try some new stuff. You might like it! And remember that nobody is good at everything! i can barely draw a stick man!

March 30, 2004
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Oooooooogh Liss!! That sounds very ominous and loaded! All that time without saying a word - just continuing to read your personal feelings - it is puke material! I can imagine how you must be feeling..... ((big hug)) I am hoping that you are now seeing that he can NOT disguise his true colours. This is SERIOUS - and NOW he has even flaunted his deceit. You've already known that you couldn't trust him - it would just seem that he is just confirming it for you. I think he's finally gone and broken the camels back this time.....I just couldn't give him any more benefit of the doubt - but that is me! I just know how I feel about him!

Btw liss - when I use capitals - I press a 'shift' or 'caps lock' button - and it is done deliberately to emphisize. Like the word SERIOUS!
This a big betrayal of trust......in my opinion. That is the reason I couldn't even really consider, having any more to do with my narc - remember - he just killed all the trust. Even if I was feeling like I wished it wasn't the case - it was!! There's only so much benefit of the doubt going round - until it goes bankrupt. I do not mean to sound hard - BUT - what he has let you know, is who he IS! I do not think he is the one for you - that's for sure. Take good heed of what he has shown you - if you haven't already. The truth is here for you to see and understand - as YOU see it - and it is well that you do. Truth can liberate - like nothing else can! Let him go - and let the pain go with him.

Fortunately for the next week - I'll be able to get back to you without nearly as much delay. Until I CU again liss - be true to yourself - and take care......

Love, LA Rosa

March 30, 2004
9:49 pm
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Hi liss!

How are you? I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and are coping with your sadness - and not letting that asshole get to you either!

Sorry that I missed out on reading your two last mailings before sending mine......it's just that this machine doesn't allow me to check what is going on anywhere else without wiping - and that day you stepped foot in the U.S.A., was understandably a very sad one for you. The 'first' day doesn't have to mean 'every' day though, as I'm sure you must already realise. I just thought I'd remind you - just incase you're feeling a bit despondent just now.

Passive-aggressive? As far as I understand liss - it's when people are being aggressive - in a passive manner. Like, instead of coming straight out and saying how (the PA person) feels......that person will mask that aggressiveness by coming out with litte 'digs' and sarcasms and critisisms and 'put-downs' and other things to try and cover up how they are REALLY feeling - perhaps about a very important issue/s they find difficult to express (perhaps through fear of consequences) or confront. So they cope in these ways to avoid the underlying basic problem. That's just how the way I see it - without checking it out - but I feel sure that it must be quite close to being true. Who do you think may be passive aggresive? Is it 'c'? It doesn't sound like you liss. Why did you ask about it? There's probably a lot more that goes into 'it' than what I've mentioned. It may give you an idea of what you were ashing to know about though.

Maybe I should be asking you liss - why do you think you have tolerated his behviour? (before Christina was even an issue) - I can't remember when he ever treated you with respect - hasn't he continually been the cause of a lot of your emotional pain and sorrow? Was it actually him - or the hope that he would be your number one, and give you unconditional love? If that's the way it is liss - then I know how hard that getting over this loss can be. Btw liss - you will be stronger for this experience - not the other way 'round. The saying that fits right here is...."These things are sent to try us....NOT break us!" Those tears you have been crying, let them out of your sysem. They are your tears that no longer belong within you. They represent a lot of your inner self, that has been shed to help you 'let go'. So even though you may look as though you've gone ten rounds in a boxing match - you are still on your feet - you were not knocked out......just still hurting! You can come through this, with your head held high and with dignity. It's the hard part - and even though you may know this will pass, these feelings need to be respected and felt.....before you can let them go. It will pass though liss.

If your gut is telling you that you don't trust him - then I'm sure it has it's reasons, and is cautioning you with your welfare at heart. How many times do you hear people say...."If only I had listened to my gut instinct! - it was telling me the obvious - but I didn't trust myself to listen and give myself enough credit at the time."

Kahlil Gibran wrote:- And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that it's heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winter's of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it may burn your lips, has been fashioed of the clay which the Potterhas moistened with His own sacred tears.

.............

Just to let you know liss, that the 8.00pm 'shut down' time does NOT apply this week because the shift rotates - and anyway, once I get organised in 'my' room, I'll have the privacy and opportunity to correspond without any problems. The ex-H is even offering to contribute towards me purchasing a 'new' TV instead of a second hand one. I'm just trying to figure out if there are any catches (small print or ulterior motives) that I have neglected to consider. It just seems weird coming from him. Some people are just simply not interested in helping for genuine reasons. One way or the other though - I should be plugged up to a TV in my room, within a couple of weeks. Not to be taken too lierally. 🙂

Over here in NZ the language that is spoken predominately is English - just like you were thinking. There are people from many different parts of the world who live here - British, Polynesians, Indians, Asians, Australians, Canadians, Americans, Sth Africans, Russians, Greeks, Italians, French, Swiss, Austrians, Germans, and Iranians (refugees mostly).....and even then I may have missed some. So it is not uncommon to hear people speaking in different languages at times - but English is the 'mother tongue'......apart from a little French and Latin that I learned in school, that's what I speak. So does Do you speak mainly English at home - or mostly Cuban then English? Your Mum speaks mainly Cuban, which just made me wonder.

Accademically, English was my best subject in school - maths I found hard to keep up, with after a while, and like all my high school education, I was missing too many classes, without any 'catch-up' lessons. To this very day liss, I haven't worked out 'why' there is a need to learn algebra. Surely it has some practical reason behind it? - whatever it may be. At least 'radicals' vaguely makes some sense. Thanks for the 'CLICK HERE' link to understanding it better, and I'll be getting into it very shortly. If there is anything regarding English you don't understand - just ask.....

I hope you are being good to yourself - especially right now - and taking care. CU soon. (((BIGHUG)))

Love, LA Rosa

March 31, 2004
4:28 am
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yes...tell me ROSA - what is 'passive-aggressive'?. Lisset wants to know, and actually, I do, too -

I always thought it about people wanting to make you do, feel or think some things - mostly about yourself ...who you are - their way but don't want you to know or find out about it by not being honest or open about it - like having a 'hidden agenda' or so.

Be well.... True

March 31, 2004
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Rosa - I like your delicate "touch" - 🙂 - did I tell you that ? - cu

March 31, 2004
10:14 pm
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Hello True!

What a lovely name! Many thanks for your much appreciated compliment regarding my delicate 'touch'.....I try to express my true feelings as appropriately constructive and sensitve as I can manage. I am still very human though.....thank goodness!

Both of our brief descriptions of the passive-aggressive personality disorder seem to be applicable, just depending on which angle you're coming from. Here is a little more on the subject for you, and liss, and all those who are interested. It's still very brief.... just the basics really......no more than a definition straight from the google search engine.

Passive-aggressive personality disorder is a chronic condition in which a person seems to aquiesce to the desires and needs of others, but actually passively resists them and becomes increasingly hostile and angry.

The causes are unknown, but, like most personality disorders, a combination of genetic and environmental factors are probably responsible.

People with this disorder may appear to comply with another's wishes, and may even say that he/she wants to do what he/she has agreed to do, but the requested action is either performed too late to be helpful, performed in a way that is useless, or otherwise sabotaged, to express anger about compliance that isn't related verbally.

Personality disorders are diagnosed by psychological evaluation, and a careful history of the extent and time course of the symptoms. Some of the common signs of passive-aggresive personality disorder include:

Procrastination

Intentional inefficiency

Avoiding responsibilty by claiming forgetfulness

Complaining

Blaming others

Resentment

Does not express hostility or anger openly

Fears authority

Resists suggestions from others.

Counseling may be of value in helping the person identify and change the behaviour. The outcome can be good with treatment.

Complications include: Stunted career developement - despite good intelligence. Alchohol abuse or other drug abuse or dependence.

I think that most of us show some of the symptoms mentioned above - but that wouldn't neccesarily mean that we have PAPD. Take care. CU

Best Wishes, LA Rosa

April 1, 2004
2:33 am
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Hi liss!

How are you today? I hope you're starting to at least feel a little bit better. Seeing as how this guy wants to read your stuff - or should I say, likes to check up on you - I can quite understand there being a privacy issue issue involved here.

Can I just let you know of how that same sort of issue, ie. lack of privacy.....how it actually took hold in the relationship that I encountered with the man who was posing to be my dream come true. It could be interesting for you to consider.

First of all it seemed and felt strange, that I was being shown by 'Johnny', how I should behave with members of the opposite sex - instead of being friendly and pleasant, I was to be very aloof and read into every utterance or gesture.....otherwise I would be letting it be known, that I was interested in having sex! Men would think I was a slut, and no woman of his would behave like that - IF she truelly loved him - the way I told him that I did. It was way over the top - but those occasions were very far and few between anyway - because of lack of opportunity - because after the first week we didn't go anywhere.......except to get some groceries or to the post office. So it was isolation - with him with me all the time. Even when his brother or son came over I had to be so guarded - I was being accused of the most outrageous and insulting things - even on my 'best' behaviour.

The only telephone calls I ever got were from the other side of the world......and he would usually be scrutinizing every word I said, and telling me what to say. Let your Mum know we love each other so very much....let her know we are so happy together. Phone calls were recorded on a taping device if he wasn't in the room at the time (gone to make coffee or get something stronger or to the bathroom), but that didn't happen very often anyway. The only time I spoke on the phone was when he handed it over to me to confirm the illusion of the happiest couple alive!

E-mails were a waste of time as well - no privacy there either - he said we had nothing to hide from each other so it didn't matter if we read each other's mail. Infact, the times that I did send anything he had already given his approval - or else let me know how he thought it should be changed - and there could be nothing in it that would hint at any way that we were not 110 per cent in love. Otherwise he would spend the rest of the day in an 'uncontrollable' frenzy - that could get violent if I wasn't lucky.

Snail-mail correspondence would have been the same - so there was none. How could I express how I really was - with that control freak as my editor.

Privacy should be respected in a relationship - if 'Johnny' had trusted me instead of needing me just to get a control-fix - he wouldn't have had any cause to keep his magnifing glass focused on me all the time.......but that was his choice. It really made no difference how much I loved him or hated him.....as long as he had control, and be secured of getting his daily dose of attention, admiration, adoration, and affection. Naturally though, I could never give him enough. I had never given anyone in my whole life, as much compliance. It felt more like I was just being his puppet - he degraded me - insulted me - humiliated me - threatened me - attacked me - isolated me - psychologically, emotionally and physically abused me - and still believed that he was and probably still does believe (I don't really know for sure), that he was/is the very best thing that has ever happenned to me - in my life! That's some ego!!

Anyway liss - this is how it was for me - it is just to let you see how some people can use relationships to satisfy their own needs (THEIR own needs). Be well liss - and just YOU take good care of 'yourself'.

Love, LA Rosa

April 2, 2004
3:43 pm
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Hi liss!

I'm hoping you're well, keeping cool.... and remembering to take good care. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. CU (big hug)

Love, LA Rosa

April 3, 2004
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Dear liss!

The more you think like that - the harder you make it for yourself. DON'T think that everything is so hard for you just now - and that it always will be - so what's the point!
That's exactly the kind of thinking that gets you nowhere - fast. It's not to be dwelt on for long - and the main reason for that is because although it may be hard to see any light at th nd of the tunnel - the light IS there for you - perhaps burning in a blue shade.

So, it's hard to see right now - for a very good reason. The reason being that there are certain coping strategies that don't work anymore for you! It is time for you to replace them them with new ones! It's that simple - ad yet can be so difficult to comprehend when things have gotten on top of you. Think of it like new skin cells that are so ready and able to naturally take the place of the cells that have served there purpose. Once you find these new coping strategies - which may seem like gobbly-gook to you just now.....I can tell you for a fact that you are searching for those very answers. You just may not have realised that they are there. in your own mind - they are just needing to be triggered - and when you see them you'll probably say to yourself - "Oh! of course! I knew it made sense all along, BUT I didn't realise how important it was to feed my brain with enough seretonin - to give it a more balanced persective. There are certainly some very effective ways you can take control of that major oversight too - even without medication...... at least to improve your mood temporarily - to begin with.

I'll be back as soon as possible - but just wanted you to know that I have read your mail, AND want to help you get your head around all this negativity that is bombarding you - and is asking YOU for change.

Take very good care and stay real coool - and if possible play some music that makes you feel happier - not sadder!! CU soon and a BIG hug.

Love, LA Rosa

April 3, 2004
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Back again liss!

There are some changes ahead it would seem.....and sorry for sounding so matter-of-fact at times - that's when I put on my little professor hat - in order to get the flow of sounding credible.

When talking about the guy who thouht he was entitled to have everything (including me) his own way - the one who was taking control to a freakish level....he was my narc cousin. When I was at his mercy - not having access to any outside influence to help me - and he was in control of the money too. So it was a precarious situation to have found myself in. I trusted him so much - ad probably because we were actually cousind my guard was even further down. When I finally made the phone call to him, after many years of never having spoken or seen him, back when I was only five years of age - he swept me off my feet and I didn't realise that he could be so mentally unstable. He sounded absolutely the guy I thought I'd been waiting for all my life - everything I could have hoped for - nothing like he really was in reality. It was very appropriate that you should mention that he was like a father to me.....he called me his little girl and his princess. He didn't treat me anything like my dad treated me though. My dad showed me and other people respect - and was interested in taking other points of view into consideration......and I knew and felt that he loved me. The narcissist - as soon as I was with him - right from the first minute off the plane - was a strange feeling of all is not well - uneasines - something not adding up.....but difficut to pinpoint. In the first week - that was actually the best time of my year-long stay - when he would grab me in public and get into passionate kissing - I thought it was going overboard but thougt it was just initial excitement and would where off - he had got up and woulked out on me in a club when I was talking about golf to a friend of his who had sat down beside us. I was lost and had no money - he reappeared and I was just thankful that he hadn't gone! When we got back 'home' he twisted my arm up my back - hard - pressed up forcefully against the wall - showing me how easy it would be for him to kill me in less than two seconds - instantly! Verbally abusing me - saying that I was letting this guy know that I was wanting to go out on a date with him and indicating that sex was included in my plans! blah blah blah......but that was not what I was referring to as physical abuse. Enough said about that sick person though - he just wasn't the person I thought he was - I got it wrong - just the way he knew I would. This guy was a REAL control freak - couldn't get enough of it!

The ex-H likes to be in control as well, but he isn't a out and out freak - he would push further than he does (I know), if he thought he could get away with it.....but he knows I have contacts (people who would find out if he went too far) and so he opts for the stance as Mr. Nice Guy - helping me out of a tight situation. When I came back to New Zealand where I was living before I had rushed off to be with my one & only (narc) on the other side of the world. That was just going to be a holiday BUT he talked me round to looking at it as permanent - and I thought that (like he said) we were destined to be together. So don't concern yourself too much with thoughts of feeling stupid - not for long anyway - can you imagine how stupid I was feeling at the time? How could I have gotten it so wrong??? Thing is to learn by our mistakes - and have peace of mind in knowing that it won't have to happen again - you'll see those tactics that manipulate and send your emotions soaring sky-high. It is a lesson that can be used to your benefit in the future - you'll be able to sense when a situation needs closer inspection to any little details that would've seemed too trivial to concern you - when you're feeling almost ecstatic at the very thought of the 'beloved' - and YOU together. Boy oh boy!!

Last night I was watching a program on The Human Mind - and one of the big issues was "anger Management" - would you call that a coincidence??
This was when I was thinking about how you were - and that you thought you wouldn't be able to do anything about your anger episodes because of the gene factor - well I have some very good news for you - YOU can!! If a guy with a big anger problem all his life, can turn it right around and save his marriage - with a little instruction from a theripist - then I do believe there is a lot more hope for you liss.

Because I must go to see my mother today liss, it means that I'll have to get back to you again later. Yesterday I had a look at some TV's and think I've got one picked out - then after checking the Trade & Exchange paper, I'll get one this week - and certainly then I won't have the problems with sharing this TV in the lounge. I'll be back as soon as possible.....so until then - sorry for the delay - be well liss and take care....and thanks for the good joke - it did bring a smile to my face and gave me a little laugh too. CU.

Love, LA Rosa

April 4, 2004
2:45 pm
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Hi liss!

Before we go any further, I'd like you to know that I've just read your last message - and can see how you would like to get your feelings under some kind of control. Do you think you could take some time, and focus your attention on how you think you would have reacted to her, your eleven year old "friend"......as though you were feeling really good right now?

I've taped The Human Mind program and will share all the relevant information with you......and also answer some more of the questions that you were asking. Until then liss - take heart in knowing that you can make a big difference for the better(I think it's important to heep that in mind).....and take care.

Love, LA Rosa

April 5, 2004
11:29 pm
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Hi liss!

I've got no idea of what you did wrong, or even if you did anything wrong......and if you haven't done anything wrong then you have no need to be forgiven for anything. What was all that about?!

Yes liss, my cousin is worse! He has big problems and I know in hindsight that he can charm the birds off the trees - but when it comes down to the basics, he is very narrow minded and thinks that he is entitled to be the boss. That would just kill me! I need to be able to do things when 'I' feel ready to do it - not when some guy snaps his fingers and thinks that I should obey......but he'll never understand my concept. I did't try to control him and had no idea that he would wanting to do control me - I know it sounds 'corney' but I thought he loved me. When you're being told what to do all the time, it just means that the nice things you would have done - hardly get recognised much - and if you're in his (my cousin's) company - the stress can also make it hard to think straight at times. Not a good environment.

If I was going steady with a boyfriend, and I saw him talkng to other girls - it honestly wouldn't upset me - as long as he wasn't getting too 'touchy feely' with them - it would have to be understood though, that I don't expect him to have any objections to me talking to other guys - same rule applies - both ways......and I wouldn't want it any other way, because even though I've noticed that far too many males do get very paranoid in this area, there are still lots of guys who are great to talk to - and some who come out with some real pearls of wisdom - and good humour - it's just a matter of sifting through all the deadwood. 🙂 That was supposed to sound arrogant - but only playfully. There is no harm with talking and smiling, in the company of the opposite sex, and that is a big warning sign if 'c' thinks that you shouldn't. Just because you chose him instead of them - doesn't mean that you are barred from still being a friendly person - even with other guys, it's called being a human being who appreciates other human beings - female or male - surely! Talk about insecure! Whatever it is liss - it's a pain and a drain - and you don't need it.....peope who really love each other TRUST one another. So if I am trusting him - then I must know and feel that it is mutual - both ways. If it isn't - if he can't accept that I can converse with guys without flirting and being interested in them in anything more that straight 'cosha', then it's "Bye bye, been nice knowing you." if that much. I want a relationship that will work and be filled with good vibes - not all tense and confining and hostile.

I think it is a very nice person, like yourself liss - who likes to help other people......it's just that you should be aware that some people, instead of appreciating your gestures of good will.....they can see it as something to be taken advantage of. That may not be because they are bad people, neccessarily, but that they just haven't learned how to be able to appreciate certain things - BUT the bottom line is that you DO want to be appreciated for your kindness and effort. Some people can learn how to - and some people probably could but just can't be bothered trying. It may come down to their genes and upbringing - or a simple defect in there logic - or a chemical deficiency - but unless the person wants to find out what it is - then you will be happier with someone who can compliment you and vice versa. There are many for someone like you to meet in your lifetime - and then the music will take on new meaning and you'll get the feelings that you love to give - returned by some very fortunate special man. A man who loves you for being you. That's who I've always been going for liss.... and I'm not thinking twice about any selfish, inconsiderate arrogant bossy bully......you've got to be kidding me! 🙂

Before I watch the 'Human Mind' again right now - you really have to understand liss, that if you're not getting enough sleep - it is going to effect the ammount of energy you have - and if you don't have enough energy
then you feel tired and lethargic - and 'feel' lazy!! That doesn't mean that you ARE lazy......and other things can zap your energy levels also. When you keep on feeling sluggish liss - then it's time to ask yourself 'Why?" It could even be a vitamin deficiency......so don't be so hard on the self-labelling - they aren't good news and don't inspire realistic hope. I'm off now to get the info that you could find very interesting - there is a mention about the gene factor in it as well.
So that will be very interesting! You my even find yourself crying a lot less often.....Good luck and best wishes (BIG HUG) and love that is meant, CU

Love, LA Rosa

April 7, 2004
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Hi liss!

Just thought you'd find this quite interesting - and helpful for you.
It begins with PERSONALITY - from "The Human Mind & making the most of it."

What makes us who we are is our personality - and most of us think we know what what we've got. Some think they are shy, others think they are thoughtful, or an extovert, neurotic, playful....etc

But your personality isn't just centred around one characteristic - many scientists believe that there are as many aspects to human personality, as there are football supporters in a packed stadium, suppoting their team. Ther are believed to be 5,000 different aspects in each of us - and mixed in endless ways, makes each one of us unique - and all these characteristics are imbedded within our brain. We all know we're different on the outside, but we're also totally different on the inside.

The Human Brain - the most astonishing object in the known universe. Scientists can identify dozens of of different areas that make up our personality. The biggest influences on our brain are forged at the tiniest level. The building blocks of the brain are cells and are called neurons - there are 100,000,000,000 (one hundred billion) of them - and it is from these billions of of neurons that our different characteristics are created. Networks like these are the basis of our personality. Even though each one of us developes a unique personality, we can use or mind to change the bits we don't like! Perhaps we could adapt our mind to be a bit more outgoing - or more concerned - or even happier. To change our personality we need to change physically alter our brain. We need, quite literally' to change our mind......but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Our personality developes across our lietime - a combination of what we are born with and the experiences we have had during our lives.

You might think that our story begins in the first few weeks after a baby is born - but you would be wrong. Personality began to form over nine months ago - almost at conception. It is at this moment you inherited a unique combination of your parent's personalities, from their genes. This inheritance will form the foundation of many of your future characteristics - and we're beginning to find out which ones. Characteristics are important for example, to know as to whether or not you will be introvert or extrovert. A main part of these characteristics is inherited. Scientists have even didcovered how they are imbedded in our brain. To find out if we are extrovert or not, most people don't have to look inside their brain - all you need is a lemon! Just one skirt of lemon juice can reveal the inner workings of our mind. To put this to the test, and discover how introversion and extroversion are created - we come to Britain's busiest fruit market. Two groups of people have volunteered for our experiment, chosen from two professions that psychiatrists have identified as tending to attract either extreme. For one team of introverts, we physisists from London - and for the extroverts we had holiday camp refs. So, welcome to our lemon licking, drooling, super saliva experiment. For this test, all we need are a lemon, a psychologist and plenty of time to discover how much saliva our two teams can produce in just thirty seconds. We'll stimulate their taste buds with a drop of lemon juice - to seal with sticky packing tape (which has to be licked) and this gives us a big clue to what is happenning in our brain. The introverts are slick lickers, but the extroverts don't seem to be licking much at all.

extroverts 8 metres 16 boxes

introverts 12 metres 24 boxes

So, how does it work? It's all down to how our brain handles stimulation. There's an area that reacts to lemon juice and to meeting people. With introverts, this area is very sensitive , which means they react more to lemon juice and don't like parties. Whereas with the extroverts, this area is not so sensitive, and so they react less to lemmon juice and love to party. The less tape you can lick - the more extrovert you are.

Even though characteristics like introversion and extroversion have already began to take shape - by the time we are born.....many other aspects of our personality, are formed by what happens in the early years of our lives. Our experiences as children have a profound affect on the type of person we will grow up to be - like whether we'll be helpful' patient or kind.

Veronica is with her family. Without even knowing it, she's moulding her childrens personalities. Whatever her childrens differences, Veronica hopes that they will grow up to be kind. By showing her children kindness, and encouraging them to be considerate, Veronica physically shaping their minds - encouraging a kind personality. During childhood, all parents can influence how baby's brain physically developes - by the way they play with and teach their children. Childhood is the most important phase in our personalities developement - and the reason why our experience as youngsters is so crutial to our future personality - is because of what is happenning in our brain.

Every child's brain is growing in a truly amazing way. As young children,
our brain cells or neurons are sprouting branches to create more connections with one another - while at the same time, almost as quickly, other branches and their connections are being pruned. It means that different aspects of our personality are growing in our brain as we grow. This constant growth and pruning of childrens brains, is shaped by what is going on around them - and how they react to it all. So specific experiences in childhood can help to form specific personality traits - and that is how it happens. The way our particular experience shapes our personality is rather like walking through a field of wheat - when children have a new experience, whether good or bad - neurons in the brain makes new connections - these connections form pathways - and it's these pathways that not only determines how those children behave in childhood, but also how they'll behave later in life. In the beginning these pathways are hardly there - just like the trail we leave in a field of wheat for the very first time. However, if as children, we have the same experience several times, then our behaviour begins to form a pattern, and the pathways in our brain become better established. It's rather like treading the same path several times. So, if we repeat an experience over and over and over again, we're laying ever clearer routes through our brain - until finally we have created the equivalent of an express-way. A new aspect of our personality has formed. The characteristics we develope in childhood are those most likely to stay with us for the rest of our life.

Some of thes characteristics we may like - BUT - others may be characteristics we don't.

This is Sean Carrol, a family man with a lot going for him. He's got a good job, a loving partner and a baby son - with another child on the way. Sean risks losing it all, because of one particular aspect of his personality. Sean has agreed to have a camera rigged in his car to capture his problem.

Sean. "I can lose it very easily in certain situations. I can get very angry in a very short space of time - to the point of ultimately losing cintrol. (obscenities) Blood's pumpinground me and I've gor so much adrenalin, and so much anger. My body takes over and the brain just takes a 15 second blank. (more obscenities) I will shout, scream, holler - all of these things - straight away. After that, I'll be angry foe a couple of hours - but then ater that, I'll be ashamed.

And he isn't the only one, his partner Angie also has to endure his rages. Although Sean hasn't been physically violent to his family, Angie fears that he is a bad role-model for his son - and their relationship is at breaking point.

Angie. "I think it's because he has been behaving like that for such a long time. He knows that he does it, you know, and afterwards he hates himself for it - especially if he gets short- tempered with Sam. (their 9mth baby) I want Sam to understand when he gets plder that Daddy doesn't always shout all the time. He just can't stop and think - before he reacts."

Sean. "I've got too much to lose. I could lose Angie. I could lose Samuel. I could lose all my family - if I don't change."

Sean knows that to keep his family together, the rages have to stop. So he's going to try a new approach. Sean has travelled to see Rage-Management psychologist Jo-Ellen Grisson. Over weeks of intensive sessions, they will try to overcome Sean's rages.

therapist. 'We're talking about how we express our emotions - about being angry.....and here are the two extremes. There is the nice side - and over here, the angry side."

The idea behind the therapy is ambitious. It will try to change the way Sean's mind works, by altering his brain.

Deep inside our brain is one area responsible for our emotions. It triggers anger. Sean's emotions flare up far too easily....and in a moment. There isn't a lot he can do about it - it's trouble. However, there's another part of Sean's brain - that can stop him acting on these impulses. These are the frontal lobes. They act as a kind of control centre in the brain. If Sean can strengthen the influence of his frontal lobes - he may be able to control his anger.

therapist. "Think of the passion you would feel at Tottenham (football team Hotspurs), or the passion you would feel for an Italian football - or the passion you may feel for.

And that's what Sean's therapy is trying to do - or that's the theory - in reality, it will only work if Sean can put Jo-Ellens advice, into practise.

therapist. "What happens? What's your trigger? What do you actually do.?"

Sean. "Shout, scream, adrenalin pumps for about 15 seconds .My brain doesn't know what's going on."

therapist. "Yeah. And do you ever hit things? ...like kick the car or the wall?"

Sean. "Nick the frot door - and put myy head through the window."

therapist. In a sene, there are parts of your brain that are fighting with each other - and the habitual part of the brain - that's just used for SNAR reactions."

It's all about giving Sean's frontal lobes a chance to overule his rages.

A week has pssed since Sean's first anger-management session - and he has been battling to keep his impulses in check.

Sean. "The first couple of days, I was really good. Monday and Tuesday were brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, really really good. Wednesday was a little bit streeful with Samuel. I was still a bit moody by that time. I got to work. I had such a crap end of the week that worried me. I was totally ashamed of myself. TOTALLY ashamed!

Angie. " Personally, I see no change in him what-so-ever, sice the first session.....when he came home Sunday, he was so full of talking abot what went on in the sessions and how he could think about it and change, and I really think he wanted to try.....but now that we've been through a week, I think he can go back for a second session, and hopefully talk about what has happenned - and we'll see some improvement next week - I think. Fingers crossed.

A battle still rages in Sea' brain, and he's desperately trying to put what he has learned in therapy, into practise.

therapist. "Notice what you do. Even if you can't control it. Give yourself ticks. Acknowledge yourself for doing something well. It just keeps on reconfirming the confidence that - you're actually an OK guy!

But Sean's journey is just beginning.

But mood mainipulation doesn't affect personality - in the long term. Nor can it overcome extreme aspects of personality - like anger. Sean Carrol has compleed his intenive course of anger-management therapy - and we're going to find out if he has gotten what he wantd - a balanced personality he's in control of.

Sean. "Okay, Sunday morning, I've got this stupid thing on my wrist. - a heart-rate monitor. What we're gonna do is go out for a little drive,and see what happens with my heart.
Sean's heart-rate is a good indication of the level of stress he is under - and how active the parts of his brain is, that triggers anger. If his heart-rate increases without any outward signs of anger - the frontal lobes of his brain are in control, and the therapy has worked. The ultimate test is if he can avoid feeling anry on a route that he hates taking.

Sean " I din't feel any stress at all today. I ffel very relaxed - very calm. I feel very happy."

So far he is doing very well - but something is abo to happen, that only ten weeks go would have sent him into a rage.

Sean. "I've been overtaken by Alan Partridge. I don't believe it. haha hahahaha He's cut me off - I've been cut off be Alan Partridge. hehehe"

Sean has passedthe test. His brain really does seem to have changed.

Sean. "Angie is very surprised at the way I've changed. Ummm I've stopped a couple of times and said ...."You thought I was going to get the hump there, didn't you?" And she said..."Well yes, I thought you were goingto start shouting." So I've surprised her - and I like this new Sean, and hopefully I can keep it up. That's obviously gonna be the hard part - keeping it up."

therapist. "All I can say is that - I wish I had more clients like you, who respond so quickly and have not just intellectually or emotionally taken on board - but also behaviourally taken on board as well. It's been fantastic, and I'm really proud of you.'

Sean. "Thank you....very much."

therapist. "Well....I think we're done."

It's now a month since Sean's course of therapy finished. What effects has it had on his relationship with his family?

Sean. "I think I've changed in qyite a few ways actually. I think I'm more relaxed, more calm - instead of just shouting and raving, I'm thinking more, and especialy at home with Angie. If I see a problem arise, I try to deal with it and Angie as well - I try to be much more in control and I feel I am much more in control.

Angie. "He seems a lot more calmer about - just life in general, at the moment. A situation would happen, and he just seems to be a lot more chilled out about it all."

Sean. "I think it's all been for the best - a better relationship I think. I mean we'e had a fairly good relationship the past four years - and we've done a lot of things. A lot of things have changed in our lives - obviously with Samuel, and another on the way......but it is sort of a beginning or us. So yeah, I just think we'll keep on trying together. I think that will be the hard part - but I do think we can do it."

The brain is the most remarkable organ in the body, because it can transform itself. We can use our mind to change and improve our mind - something that no other animal can do. In the case of personality - it mens we can become a little more like, the oerson we would like to be. The human mind allows us do even more - WE CAN USE IT TO IMPROVE THE WAY WE INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

Love, LA Rosa

April 10, 2004
3:53 pm
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Hi liss!

It's good to see you putting in the time to do revision and perhaps even feeling more confident. Of course I'm hoping it turns the test has worked out well for you. Just incase you're interested here is an adress that may be able to shine some light on 'radicals'.....even I started getting a better understanding of them. There is even the opportunity to ask questions, if there is something that doesn't seem to make much sense!! It's called 'Live Math' at..... http://www.np.edu.sg/macIntMat.....d/ExRa.htm

I've noticed that algebra is used a lot - it seems there's no getting away from it? 🙂

Yes liss - I should be living somewhere else. The only problem with that is - NOW - after all my savings GONE.....not given back to me when I needed/need them.....it just means that when I leave - I don't really know if I'll be able to manage on my own. I don't mean in an emotional way - like I need someone for company or to be attached to - for love and affection - but just in a way that perhaps may show up how little I know about being able to cope independently. Things like being able to cope financially spring to mind - about fifty per cent of my income would be gone on just paying for a room to live in - which would only leave about one hundred NZ dollars a week to feed, clothe myself and pay for electricity, telephone, transportation, medical or any other expence and bills....... forget about going to hairdressers or anything else that is extravagent - certainly like the getting a computer that can download!! It isn't just financial either.....I'd have to be able to do other things for myself as well. What seems to have happened is that I have always have had someone around, who took care of some of my transportation needs and someone who knows how to fix things like leaking taps or day to day occurences - my confidence has been shattered, and I am just facing the challenge of whether or not I'll really be able to manage alright on my own. I know it sounds bizarre - but I always had thought that the only way I could do it - was to have a little money for back-up... and I had saved some money for that time when I would 'go it alone'. The fear is that once I make the move, I'm going to need some help - and I know that I have no-one who could give it to me - along with feeling so helpless. It may not be as hard as I think it will be - I may be alright - this feeling may be exaggerated out of proportion - but if it isn't - there's no going back. This is the shame that I live with - and it's the major reason why I am not happy with myself. I feel I have let myself down, in a big way. Just when I was in the best position I'd ever been in - my narc cousin came on the scene. Then the news of what Willie has done - has not only devastated me emotionally - in a personal sense because I am his mother - and naturally it hurts so much, that he could do this to me - after we were so close. At least I thought we were. It doesn't make any sense to me - and so I hope that one day I'll speak to him again, and clear this up. If he has lost the money - then that's just too bad - if he has deliberately witheld it and kept it for himself - then I will be very sad - but at least I will understand WHY he has taken this course of action (or inaction). There is no excuse for his disappearing act - and I am sure he realises this also. I hope we will be able to patch up our relationship - BUT that will depend on him to a large extent. Willie will need to show signs of 'wanting to' at least, co-operate, and be willing to explain what has happenned - and give me his word that he is remorseful. That is what I need to know from my son..... in order to put this mess behind us. My Aunty is over in America right now, visiting my Uncle who lives in Florida - and is going to go to the area where Willie works......so as you can imagine - I'm hoping that I'll hear some promising news. I am wanting to let it all go. When he told the receptionist, to let me know that he would contact me......I was hoping that he didn't mean......'One day!' I am too emotionally and psychologically crushed by all this - to feel angry. Anger isn't the issue I am feeling towards him. It gets quite complicated and I'm just a bit lost.....and sad right now. I just hope I'll be OK - and that Willie will come through this too.

I've chosen a TV now.....and if it isn't delivered today - it should be either Tuesday or Wednesday - and then I can plug in the modem for the 'surfboard', and not need to use the TV screen in the loung for access to the internet. If I hadn't had my savings taken away from me, I could have had a conventional computer by now.....quite a while ago. This little TV computer was only intended to be a first step introduction to the internet.

When I got it - I was not having problems with privacy. That was Christmas 2001 - only days before I made the phone call to my cousin.....and he had bought a computer on the very same day as I had. So we were really becoming familiar very quickly online and telephone - but not in a realistic way. Online and telephone doesn't cover the actual day to day living together issues. Well, espeially not if you are communicating with a narcissist or a psychopath. The odds are you won't - BUT - it still is a good idea to be VERY careful...... because they won't want you to know what makes them tick, until they've got you!

Sorry liss, for all this outpouring - it is just putting you more in the picture.

Be well liss, and I hope you got good results in the math test - take care. CU

Love, LA Rosa

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