Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I'm not fixing this - and it's making me sick
May 22, 2006
9:01 pm
Avatar
greycirce
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok here's my story. About 5 years ago I started dating a man who was on methadone. I felt that this was kinda ok because at least he was trying to get help- and who was I to judge him for that. About 6 months in I realize he actually is back to heroin but at this point I am in love- this guy was so sweet and calm (I am highstrung) ambitious and solid- I just felt like he balanced me out- So I start the grueling process to "save" him. A year and a half in he ends up detoxing at home with me (the treatment center he had checked into wouldnt take him because there was an enormous hole in his arm that he had been hiding under a bandage and it had to be treated medically- he almost lost it). Ever since then everything has been crazy- we fought maybe twice that whole first year and a half and now I find myself screaming at him upwards of five times a day. Somehow (it really doesn't make sense anymore) we have gotten married and have two beautiful kids (a three year old and a 10 month old) but he just not happy. He's tried counseling, hypontherapy, group therapy, prozac, 3 marriage counselors and everytime something seems to be making a difference he just stops- he sabotages our life constantly and cries daily. I am at my wits end I am in school and have two babies I have already tried kicking him out temporarily - it just screwed me over finacially. I need to stop yelling but I know I don't know how to deal with my constant anger and resentment. We went to a marriage counselor this week and just because I broke down and cried I have been physically ill for 4 days since- I don't know what the connection is except that anytime I am sad instead of angry- anytime i show i am weak I instantly get ill. Please tell me someone knows what I am talking about and has some advice- I feel like a complete lunatic.

May 22, 2006
11:06 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello, Grey. Welcome to this site. The people here are wonderful and supportive, and it has helped me alot in many areas.

Your situation is complicated, since you are married and have children. It makes it more difficult to remove yourself from the scene, and to get some space from it.

I was married to an alcoholic/drug addict for 7 years. I had 3 babies, at the time. Twins, and one just a year behind them. I stayed for a long time with him, in the hopes that he would get help and change. I also put alot of effort into "saving" him, as though I was his personal "savior".

It was until I attended Al-Anon, that I realized I had choices and options. I could either stay, and learn how to cope with the situation, or I could leave, and allow him to find his own answers.

Well, after many failed attempts in trying to save him, I finally made the choice to leave. It was VERY difficult to do, but I felt that instead of me, pulling him out, the strength of his addiction was pulling me DOWN. (along with our babies)

I had to accept the fact that his addiction was stronger than me, and that I did not have the power to change him or control the situation for what it was. The only thing I had control of was me and the choices I made for myself and the girls. I didn't want them growing up in the lifestyle of alcohol and drug abuse. I didn't want them to think this was "normal".

So I took them and left, and I NEVER regretted that decision.

Do you have your parents, or some family to turn to, Grey? If so, I would consider giving them a call and seeing if you could reach out to them. This is just my thought.

I understand your feeling of sickness, and the frustrations of not being able to "fix" this, but what a wonderful relief it is, when we figure out we don't HAVE to! It's a real burden lifted!

I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do. I know this is so hard, just hang in there, and keep posting here. We'll help you in the best way we know how! (((Hugs)))

Jennifer

May 23, 2006
1:37 am
Avatar
ljs
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know you are going through every very touch time. The most important thing is that you are realizing in your own way that you will be okay, you will find the answers, the answers are in you. But only when you are ready. I wish you well and you will find the strength to do what you feel is right.

May 23, 2006
9:08 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The physical sickness you describe, as well as the anger and rage eruptions, sound like clinical depression. Years of living with someone who cannot meet your emotional needs can certainly cause anyone to grow deeply depressed. If you can, please seek medical attention and support for YOURSELF. Depression is serious and it can, indeed, physically immobilize us. Get HELP.

Remember that he is an addict. This means he is unable to put anyone or anything AHEAD OF HIS ADDICTION. That is the nature of addiction. You are still trying desperately to "fix" him, (thus, the shouting matches, his crying, etc.), despite the clear evidence that he can't be "fixed." He may KNOW what is right, but he is incapable of DOING what is right...for you, for the children and especially for HIMSELF.

Very very important that you get support for yourself. Family, friends, a counselor or therapist, church family and posting here on this great website are all important sources of venting and support. You cannot fix him...but you CAN begin taking steps toward helping yourself recover. Stop focusing on HIM and begin focusing on yourself and those beautiful children. You are a precious person who has a giving heart and alot of goodness. Don't throw it down a bottomless pit...that's what loving an addict is like.

Begin sowing some of that caring and goodness into YOURSELF and your own recovery and peace. You are worth it. Al-Anon would be a great place to start. So would CODA meetings. You can find convenient locations and times for both groups online.

And keep posting. We are here for you.

- Strong

May 23, 2006
1:53 pm
Avatar
gofigure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Grey--I know so well what you are going through, only the problem was/is with cocaine and crack. I am a recovering addict myself (7 yrs ago both my husband and I entered treatment). Last summer while my girls and I were visiting my mom in New England he was slowly getting back into the coke. At first it seemed intermittant but it didn't stay that way. When Christmas rolled around and he spent most of his paycheck on drugs and I had to take out a payday loan for dinner and presents, that was the end of the end for me. I knew if I didn't get out I would end up (with luck) back in treatment and that wasn't a road I wanted to travel again. I also realized that no matter how much he wanted me to I COULD NOT SAVE HIM. And that his drug use wasn't my fault or responsibility. My responsibility was to myself and my daughters and it was my duty to do what was best for them--which was to get them out of that environment. I am still struggling with guilt and feelings of caretaking, but I moved out almost 3 months ago. I had to withdraw from school because I couldn't work and go to school and go through all this too. It was a really hard decision but I figured if I let things go on the way they were I could never repair the damage my girls would have suffered. It's going to be hard enough already as they're 10 & 11. Granted it has been easier because they're not babies like yours, but in so many ways I wished I had done this YEARS sooner. I have many regrets in that arena, but I guess we all do the best we can.

My best advice is to be as gentle with yourself as possible. Look around at what options and help there are available if you decide to make him leave or leave yourself. It is daunting--I know. Take your time (unless you are in danger) and research as best you can. And keep coming back here. This is the best message board I have found.

~go

May 23, 2006
11:02 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

greycirce -

Please keep posting. We are here for you and hope to hear from you.

- Strong

May 24, 2006
12:32 am
Avatar
greycirce
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks guys - its really is comforting to know others out there have had similiar situations. We went to a marriage counselor again to day and she really stressed the al-anon thing said it could really help. Im going to try and get up the nerve and overcome my resentment and go. A lot of this is really hard for me because he actually stopped the heroin four years ago- i never really realized that things could actually seem worse without the drugs (he's not totally clean though pot and pills)- He is trying to commit to NA - going everyday, got a sponser- Our counselor swears that 12 step can be a miracle- Has it really worked for any of you guys or your loved ones? Thanks again for all the welcoming support.

May 24, 2006
12:44 am
Avatar
startingover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Greycirce

Al-Anon has changed my life, quite truly. I started going after a sudden breakup from a very caretaking relationship with an alcoholic who also used heroin and crack and I had NO idea. The program worked for me - I was devastated, had a physical and mental meltdown - preceded, I have to say, by a lot of the feelings you describe in yourself in your post. You MUST take care of yourself - you will see that these 12-step programs are not about how to fix the addict, but YOU. I will probably always be a member of a 12-step program of some type. Haven't attended Nar-Anon yet. I would encourage you to try either, and keep posting here!

Good luck and best wishes to you.

SO

May 27, 2006
9:52 am
Avatar
Robert123
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Gray, try Codependents.org. Lots of helpful stuff there. Your story sounds familiar with some of the issues codependents struggle with.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
35
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111020
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38570
Posts: 714311
Newest Members:
cosmo789, bravelassie, Chloe12, future life, austinjacob, Hadity1
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information