Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I'm new, young, and possibly codependent - your thoughts please
September 18, 2005
6:09 am
Avatar
cheshire
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

In the grand scheme of things, my issue here is probably not as urgent or serious as other posters', but I am interested to see if anyone else has or is going through this, and what advice anyone might have for me. Sorry it's long - but I guess I have to explain a little history first.

In a long-term relationship with boyfriend - together since high school, attached at the hip. All the makings of a wonderful relationship, best friends/companionship, commitment, (of course occasional dips in passion but that is to be expected, and we always get it back), great sex and sexual communication, good communication and self-disclosure in general,...except
-he was insecure and had low self-esteem.

I used to be quite independent before we got together. Mind you, this was high school, but it was definitely a streak in my personality. I've found ever since we've been together, that I've responded to his insecurity with a 'hypervigilance' as the main page describes, or a hyper sensitivity to his emotions. I jump at everything so to speak... and this is mainly because there was a period in our relationship (first year of college, same college) where we fought quite a bit, and it seemed to be primarily my fault that we were falling apart - I couldn't read him, know how to respond to his problems, was insensitive.

sidenote: We're both now realizing that he is just plain hard to read in general. So glad now, that I went through that. Haha. 🙂 Anyway...

Even though we have been through with that rough patch for some time, I would still find myself irrationally scared of losing him over (the possibility! of) small emotional infractions. I realized that I would be completely lost without him, and I didn't want to be in a relationship just because I didn't know who I was without him, I wanted to be in a relationship because

I WANT to be in the relationship -

and not because I would be lost without it! A healthy turn in perspective. The transition wasn't easy, but we're now doing a sort of separation - we're geographically separated anyway right now which makes it easy, but he's soon going to transfer to another school 6 hours away because that particular school will be better for him. And I agree, so I support him. The whole point of this separation is so he can overcome his insecurities, develop himself (we're still both so young! do we really have fully formed personalities yet? haha), and also so I can become that independent person I used to be, before I was always worrying about what he thought. Also, I'm going to spend a semester overseas pretty soon so hopefully this will do the trick?

My question is, do you think I became codependent, or at least was on the verge of it? I feel like in the past few years I have lost myself in my fear of losing him. And since we've been separated (a few weeks now, and we talk about twice a week) I feel like we've made progress... and from what I hear from him, he has gained a lot of self-esteem as well.

But I still don't know HOW exactly I'll know when I'm back to being the independent person I used to be... someone who doesn't need her relationship just to survive, someone who is self-fulfilled, happy, complete on her own. And I still don't know how to get there. He is supportive of me, and I of him, and though we still have our fights, largely our relationship is going very well. I miss him and love him very much. I just want to make sure we do this right so that ten years from now after we're married I won't think to myself, A part of me is still missing. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how to separate myself from him (detaching?) in my mind enough to know whether he still influences my decisions. He supports me in my quest for personal growth and for that (it wasn't easy to get him to that point, at first) I am very glad. Has anyone else been through this?

All this seems a bit silly now because it's hard for me to get to the root of what I want to ask. Hopefully you all understand what I mean... 🙂 Thanks for listening/reading!

September 18, 2005
7:02 am
Avatar
Anam Cara
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 19
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cheshire - Just enjoyed reading your post! Gosh if only I had that ammount of sence when I was your age. Today my responce would be = You seem to have developed well together over a long period so natrually you have become soul lovers. Relationships have many twists and turns - for the good and the better.
My advise is not to beat yourselves up over this period of your lives - let go some slack and see what the tide blows in like -Tom hanks did in 'Castaway'
Love. AC

September 18, 2005
12:40 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there -

High school and college years are so impressionable - first time for real love, first time living away from home - lots of FIRSTS during these times. High school loves, especially ones that grow in a healthy manner (like yours), seem to stick to your bones throughout your whole life, whether you end up with them or not. It really seems like your life is going along rather nicely - a healthy progression of events and feelings. My personal feeling is that you're right on track. My focus, if I were you, wouldn't be so much on what hasn't happened (as in being completely without him). Take one day at a time, making plans for yourself as well as enjoying eachother through these very wonderful times. It's natural to feel uneasy about things that have remained the same for so long... maybe even a bit clingy to the familiarity and comfort that you've become accustomed to - but you're both in the beginning, building stages of your lives, making big changes, finding your independence, paving the way for your futures. I think everyone is a little codependent - it happens in even the healthiest relationships. In your case, I see a strong independent youth with a bright future who's in love. Don't worry, relax and enjoy your life. I think that you will have the heart and the strength to roll with any changes that may come your way. God bless honey and good luck.

September 18, 2005
2:58 pm
Avatar
cheshire
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you so much. It's true, I could probably stand to lighten up a little in not just this but more areas of my life. I tend to be a worry-wart. I also tend to think in black and white, which causes me to urgently want some clearcut image of our relationship - after x time of being apart y distance talking for z amount of time per week, we'll be independent and ready to be together again. But it never works like that, and it's a process of grays. I'm learning to see the good and the beauty in that, and I'm learning to let go and just let things happen. Thanks again. 🙂

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online: lisabaker
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110977
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information