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I'm New.... You guys are GREAT!!
November 9, 2004
11:00 pm
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DTEE
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I had a hard day today...as well as the previous few days. I stumbled on this site and posted some issues I'm having and rec'd feedback from total strangers....For that I say thanks. I am really struggling with the idea that child issues create deep problems as adults. I know wher mine come from but can't seam to put it in the right place. I wish I could confront my dad about the issues but I can't. He is not the type to handle something like this. I think I will write him a letter and burn it when I'm done. Maybe that will release some of the pain. I am hoping I can continue to come here for support. Reading some of the postings here and seeing the support people get is amazing. You people are doing great things for others.

November 9, 2004
11:08 pm
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on my way
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Hi DTEE, if you feel comfotable, you can share some of those issues. Cahnces are some of us can relate, and help. It's up to you though. Yes this is a great site...keep coming back!

November 9, 2004
11:18 pm
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DTEE
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Onmyway..... I would be glad to. When I was 6 my mother died after a 5 year battle w/ cancer. A few days later my brother an I were really grieving when my father came in and asked what was wrong. We told him and he got mad and said our mother dying was water under the bridge. That we weren't to show emotion especially in public....My brother and I didn't from then on. My father remarried 2 months later to a lady he was having an afair with while my mother was sick. We were made to call her mom....I heted that. I feel I never grieved the death of my mother...in fact I know I haven't. I know I ended up internalizing everything since. From there I believe I have developed a problem expressing myself. It is now 31 years later and I am on the verge of losing another relationship. My responsibility in the relationship is lack of communication. I love this girl and this is not the only issue with it but it is a big one that is my responsibility. I don't know where to turn.

November 9, 2004
11:46 pm
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on my way
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Wow DTEE, so your mom was also sick for most of yor life, and at a very young age you were made to hide your feelings?Is this what you think happened? That would make it very hard to be open if everytime you wanted to show emotion, you weren't allowed too. This girl that you are with, does she know your history? I would wnat to know IF were in her situation, IF she is a caring individual. You may have what is termed "frozen feelings" they are there but buried deep. Counseling would probably help, but another suggestion is to put a chair in front of you and preend your Dad is sitting in it, and tell him about your anger, or what ever you are feeling. Also, you could pretend your mom is in the chair, and tell her how you felt about everything...it will seem awkward, I have done it, and it felt awkward but it helped. Sounds like the little boy in you was not nurtured the way you thought you shuold have been. Some big feelings going on inside I think.

November 9, 2004
11:53 pm
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on my way
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and I hate to say this but it sounds like your dad put you and your brother last in this situation, that had to have hurt like crazy. Do you ever talk to your brother about what happened? Funny, I tell my 2 oldest sons to talk abot their dad together, and they look at me like I'm an alien, and say mom, we don't talk about stuff like that! But whenhe was dieing, they finally did. Can you forgive your dad?

November 9, 2004
11:54 pm
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DTEE
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On My Way.... My girlfriend does know the history....It is a 4 year relationship and she is beginning to tire I think. She has been very supportive. I pretend I am getting over it but obviously it is not going to work to pretend. I am this way in most of my relationships. The one w/ her is tops on my list though. I am in a spot now where I find it hard to even call her let alone ask her out. I have seen a counselor about my childhood issues but sometimes forget the therapy. Being this way for 31 years seams to have imbedded this in me. I want it to fix faster. I know that is not realistic though. I need to do some work. Thought I would try initiating some things for her and I to do. I don't do that right now. You can see why she would tire of this. I will also try your idea of the empty chair. Any other ideas I am open to it.

November 10, 2004
12:00 am
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DTEE
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It hurt like Hell. I try to put myself in his shoes to understand. He was 42 years old. He had 5 kids...I have 3 brothers and a sister. We were all put last and thrown into a new family quick. 3 steps slid in to the mix. They were priority. I don't know if I can forgive my dad. I think I have a few times but then it all comes back

November 10, 2004
12:15 am
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on my way
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I think we all have issues, I know I do as well. I see you taking responsibility of ryourself and that is a postive act, at least you are not blaming her. But anger and hurt just eat away at people, nothing good comes of it until it is let go of...easier said than done I know. If you are forgetting the therapy, then maybe this therapist isn't helping. Some therapists lend a quick fix, tell you what to do, without givng you the tools to do it, and then of course it helps to have the power to do it. Emotions this stong have to heal. And it didn't take them over night to get there, it may not take them overnight to go away. How does your girlfriend feel, what are some words or some phrases that you think describes how she feels about all of this? Do you pray, what do you believe in? Do you think that you are in this alone, and no one can help? What are your thoughts in this regard? I have a faith in God and go to church, so that helps me. I have an upsetting childhood too, and I am about 20yrs. older than you....there is hope.

November 10, 2004
12:33 am
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DTEE
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My girlfriend and I had some issues around this a few months ago. I thought we needed space and I said so. Now I am afraid I will lose her. I don't want to but I also need to take care of this before I can give into this relationship. I actually just got off the phone w/ her. We talked about basic stuff. Nothing about this. She is a very understanding person and has lent me allot of support. I have done the same for her. WE have both been married twice. I know she doesn't want to put more time into this if things can't change. I need to get past this. I feel we are great together however it is bad timing right now. We do have a strong love for each other though. I am not a religous person although I do pray a few times a week. I was raised Mormon... but don't believe in it. I don't know what I believe. Right now I feel like I'm in this alone. I do think that might be best. I don't have anyone I feel I can talk to about this. I am willing to do the work. This is theraputic just telling you all of this. I just can't believe how something 31 years ago can effect me this much? AMAZING

November 10, 2004
12:51 am
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Well, it happened 31 years ago, but an emotion may also happen everytime something triggers it. When I read you lst thread I pick up on the fact that the realtionship is good, positive, that it is supportive. Ijust want to suggest that be sure you aren't thinking that she would be better off without you...that this is your idea because of possibly thinking you should offer more, or that you think she deserves better, when she may not be thinking that at all. Let her love you, you deserve it, are worthy of it. Don't push her away, and I don't know that you are doing that, I am just writing back from what I have read that you shared, but you obviously are someone she likes, or she wouldn't still be around. I hope this may make some sense, if not keep talking here, many, many people on this site, take the time to read, and respond.

November 10, 2004
1:03 am
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DTEE
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On My Way.....Thanks for your time. I will be back for sure through this. I feel like a few small strides have been made already. Can you give me some more insight on "Frozen Feeling"? What does that mean? Can I find out more about it?

THANKS :0)

November 10, 2004
1:22 am
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on my way
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You bet, this is what I have learned about it. Many of us have difficulty expressing our feelings or even realizing that we have them. We harbor deep emotinal pain and a sense of guilt and shame. As children, our feelings were met with disapproval, anger, and rejection. For survival purposes, we learned to hide our feelings or repress them entirely. As adults, we are not entirely in touch with our feelings. We can only allow ourselves to have "acceptable" feelings to stay "safe". Our true nature is distorted so we can protect ourselves from the reality of what is truly happening. Distorted and repressed feelings cause resentment, anger, and depression. When we have frozen feelings we may be unaware of our feelings, struggle with relationships, withhold conversation. This was taken from a book that I have , a spiritual 12 Step course I was involved in. I have frozen feelings from my past as well, but they do thaw! This can be a bit overwhelming , and not all may apply or none. Hope some of it sheds some light for you.

November 10, 2004
1:27 am
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DTEE
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On MY Way.....What is the name of the book? I would love to check it out. I am reading 2 books now Maybe you have heard of them. The Four Agreements and Clear Your Past....Change Your Future. Do you mind giving me the name of the book?

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