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I'm new, too...
December 27, 2003
12:58 pm
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BrindleBullDog
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Hello from another codependent person who needs help!

How do you know when to leave a marriage/relationship and to move on for your own good? And if you do decide to go, how do you accomplish this if you're codependent?

I am married to a looser. My husband is a drunk, who spends his time off watching TV news and drinking huge amounts of boxed wine. (3 litres per day.) This is truly all he does, other than shower, go to work, and sleep.

My husband is not a mean or violent drunk, which is one of the reasons why I have tolerated him for so long. But he brings no value to the family at all. Imagine a human being who spends 8 hours a day in front of the TV without friends, exercise or hobbies!

My husband does work 50 hours per week as a car salesman. However, he wanders from dealership to dealership, since he gets tired of his bosses, pay structure, etc. For example, he walked off the job last month, and just began to work today. So we were totally broke for Christmas. (So what else is new, we haven't had a decent hoiday since we married 7 years ago. We're always broke, or fighting about which kid got what for Xmas.)

We have 2 sons living at home, ages 16 (his) and 17 (mine.) My husband does not spend any time with them whatsoever. None. Days go by without him seeing them at all. Needless to say, they are running wild since they get no attention. There are empty beer bottles all over their rooms, as well as bongs.

(Yes, I know that I should step in to enforce a decent lifestyle. It's impossible, though, since I have no support from him. In fact, my husband will contradict any disciplanary actions that I take and allow the teenagers to do whatever they want. Especially when he drinks.)

My husband also has 2 children by his first wife who haven't spoken to him for 3 years. They simply refuse to acknowledge him because he is "worthless" and that they "don't want to become like him" (Their exact words.)

I could go on and on.... but the question is, how do I find the strength to break out of this relationship? I recognize that he won't change. Therefore, I need to be strong and get out.

Herein lies the problem. I am codependent. I have been raised to "take care" of people and to "not make waves." So it is very, very hard for me to leave him, since he "needs" me. I need to be needed.

But then I say to myself, don't I deserve more from life than caring for a looser? Shouldn't I expect a healthy, mature relationship?

When I look back over my life, all of my serious relationships were with people who "needed" me. I was always the one to "give." Obviously, I am my own worse enemy! How can I change?

So, intellectually, I know what to do. But how do I do this emotionally? Could I receive help and support through this Board?

By the way, I realize that therapy would be of enormous help, but I currently need every penny to put down on rent for next month. Perhaps I can afford a few sessions in Feb.

Thank you in advance for any advice that you can give!

Brindle Bull Dog

December 27, 2003
2:00 pm
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free
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Brindle

I can totally understand where you are coming from. And therapy gets expensive.

What's not, though are support groups. You can learn as much as you can about codependency through research on the net, and here.

Breaking away from this type of lifestyle is a big change. It doesn't happen overnight.

Another support group to consider is Alanon. Living with an alcoholic can be really hard. There you will meet others who feel the same as you, who experience what you do. There you can learn about yourself, and how to take care of yourself.

Something to check out.

Alot of people will have a great deal to say here. Good words are gonna come your way!

hugs

free

December 27, 2003
4:04 pm
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slr
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Hang in there...I'm new to this site too, but have gotten alot of good advice and info! Zinnie seems to be such a good advice giver and is very knowledgeable..try talking with her!

December 28, 2003
5:37 am
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vegas
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Dear BBDog,

There are many places where you can get help for little money. If you are a reader, there is always the library. Two books that would help, and I think others here would agree, are "Codependent No More" by M. Beattie and "Dance of the Wounded Soul" I don't know the author of that one as I have not yet gotten a hold of it. But many on this site have mentioned these books or even quoted out of these books in different posts.

Do you attend church? Perhaps you can get help there from the pastor. Some larger churches have members who are professional counsellors and give discounted or sliding fees to other members.

AlAnon I think is basically free. But I am sure there are other support groups in your place. Try calling United Way. I have also found some hotline numbers that I could call just to talk to someone. If you can't get any, post again and I can give you the 1-800 #'s I've got.

I know how it is to be in a financial bind. Trust me.

And I also know how it is to be in a relationship with someone "substandard" as I call it. Has your husband considered getting help for his alcoholism? Suggest that to him. But, if he is unwilling, Friend, you have to find the strength and courage in you to do what is best for YOU. Find your self-respect and do what you already know is the right thing for yourself and your children.

It will be hard afterward. I will not tell you that it won't be. Esp. if you care/d and love/d this man, separation will break your heart. But, you need to stop taking care of others and start taking care of yourself. Ask yourself, "How much longer must I wait for someone to take care of ME and my children? Must I sit and wait for my husband who has not shown much effort? Or can I find it within myself to find my happiness for my life?"

Friend, it is possible. You can have better. You deserve better! And if your husband is not willing to give you better...I know you know what has to be done. It's then just a matter of getting it done. Be strong. Whatever your decision, you can always come to this site to vent or ask help or anything. We all understand and can give you support.

your friend, vegas

December 28, 2003
1:34 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Brindle, I know just exactly what you're going through. You will find a lot of help here from people who've been through and are going through exactly what you are right now. I have to go right now but keep posting and talking and I'll catch you later....W

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