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I'm NEW!! how do you know when to give up
April 19, 2005
7:26 pm
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toomanytears
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greetings everyone. i'm new to this, and i'd really appreciate anyones advice, words, inspriations. . anything to help me see the light.

b/f and i have been together for over 5 years. he comes from an alcoholic background, and he too has done his share of drugs in his teenager years. we have definitely been on this rollercoaster that many of you are familiar with, and it has been so draining to the point where i even tried to take my own life.
last year i got so fed up, i actually packed up my things, quit my NEW job and left. . only to find myself back with him a few months later. i feel i have always had to compromise my life just to "accomodate" his and am stupid to have done this. just as soon as things are going good maybe somewhat monotomous, he gets "bored" and starts bitching about how he wants his space, his own life again. i knew i was somewhat of a priority in his life but over the years, my ranking has gone down. it was not until i learned about co-dependency that i realized this may be killing our relationship. yes, i do love him so much. . .we do want a future together, but realistically it just seems more and more out of reach. does anyone out there know what i'm going through . . .

April 19, 2005
8:03 pm
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CAMER
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yes, yes, and yes!!sometime I too used to be afraid to be "alone" and thats why i always went back, instead of sticking to my boundaries and completely letting go...I guess its alot to do with the fear of the "unknown" and being with myself...maybe I have too many "alone" feelings. I joined a Coda support group 3 years ago, its local with real live people and its the best thing I could have done for myself. I am still a lil' bit coda, but set boundaries and put myself 1st. You will learn and hear so much from these threads & keep coming back and posting

(((camer)))

April 19, 2005
8:36 pm
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toomanytears
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thanks camer,

i've gone to counselling numerous times . . my last attempt basically revealed codependency to me as well as realization that if i'm concerned about b/f's drinking that it's not up to me to help him, it's all him. i think that's the hugest thing i suffer from, that whole putting my energy into him instead of myself. being away from him right now, i'm slowly getting back to myself so he can have "his space". i still toss and turn at night, wondering what he's up to, worrying about what may happen if and when i go back (i had to come home because of a knee injury and have to do re-hab). unfortunately there's no coda groups where i am, so having this support group is the greatest thing right now.

April 19, 2005
11:30 pm
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way2nice
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Toomanytears!
Thats what you have to cry! To get a person out of your system.
Dont let someone control your thoughts and emotions.. you diserve better than that! I too worry for others before myself and its not a healthy thing to do. You have to start by realizing that you cannot change someone. They have to want to change for themselves. Changing is a very difficult thing for a person to do.
Some people just get stuck in there ways and remain like that forever.
You have control of only yourself.
just try to think about what He would do if the shoe was on the other foot.
How much effort & worry would he put into you? I like to think of it that way. If a person really cares and loves someone there actions always speak louder than words..
Why is it always us women who hang in there for the long haul taking on the burdens of the weak men in our lives?
Yet the men always seem to bail out at the first sign of instability? Amazes me!!

You will walk away when you are ready... you will know when that is.
The strength will just come over you and you will do it!
When you have had enough. Good Luck!
keep comin to this board it is so helpful and will strenghthen you also!

April 19, 2005
11:34 pm
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hopeinhim
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My husband and I go through a kind of tango where he says that he needs space every time I get confrontive. He complains about me calling so much and wanting time with him. I do give him a lot of space. He goes out every Saturday and stays out until I go to work. Usually he is getting some type of fitness activity in. I used to really be miserable on Saturdays, but then I realized that he needs his space and he is quite an ogre if he does not get his time on Saturdays. So don't let the door hit him in the butt!

However, he would never make it personal and say I was boring! That sounds like his problem and not yours.

If he causes you that much stress emotionally I would definately encourage you to take a look at what you can change, if anything and decide how you want your life to be.

April 20, 2005
12:08 am
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toomanytears
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way2nice/hopeinhim.. . . .ladies, i've done my share of crying. .. i just don't know where my supply keeps coming from!!
lately, i've been thinking of how it would be, to do things without him. to make decisions that are not based on what he would think. maybe it's just too early in the seperation cause i feel like i could just pick up and leave and of course he would just "let me go". he always says that we may not be physically "together" all the time, but to me from the way i know him, it's like "you do what you want, i'll do what i want, and when it's CONVIENIENT we'll see what happens". does that make any sense?! so yeah, i know he has commitment problems, but i mean after all we've been through!! sometimes i feel like a puppet . . .when i think i'm ready to break free, i've got these damn strings attached and everything is in his control. how the heck does that happen!!!

April 20, 2005
12:27 am
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alfalfa
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I too am new. I guess you might say I am nearing the end of my cognitive rope. I have found myself in love with a woman who cannot live her own life. She is totally enmeshed with her family. When we first met we were both married, Her family accused her of having an affair with me, which wound up causing her to get a divorce. We have continued to see each other "behind their backs". They made it very clear that if they found out we were seeing each other, they would not let her see her grand children. I went along with it for awhile, but now, I am at the end of my rope. I am tired of being the family's dirty little secret. But I fear the loss of her love if I stand my ground. Help!

April 20, 2005
12:44 am
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toomanytears
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alfalfa,
wow. do you think that your love is strong enough for you to "stand your ground"? does she not realize that no matter how close you are to your family, she has already made the choice to have you in her life and she herself has to "stand her ground" to her family. it's unfortunate too that her family is getting her kids involved. the main thing i'm learning from this support group is that you have to be your own person. and communicate!! she's got to figure out if you and your love is a PRIORITY to her, and if not, i guess you've got some thinking to do (how redundant of me to say that!! sorry. . ) keep in touch.

April 20, 2005
9:10 am
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alfalfa
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Thanks Toomanytears. I left out one piece of important info. I have subsequently also gottena divorce. My children are aware I see her and even my ex-wife knows we have a "relationship" ( whatever that means these days). My gf has withdrawn to denying the relationship to her family, yet she perpetuates it with our mutual friends. It is two worlds that have collided. She has been so emotinally blackmailed by her family that she is lives her life via her fear of their repsonse. I have seen her away and free and that is the peson I fell in love with, but there is not enough room for she and "her family". I have a family and enjoy, appreciate and love them. But they do not control my life.

April 20, 2005
11:10 am
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Toomanytears, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I am in a similar situation and have been for 6 1/2 years.

I won't yak on and on about my situation, etc. and I know that it's easy to comprehend the fact that we have to take care of ourselves and not take on someone elses garbage (even if we love them) and we shouldn't let them "crap" on us, but it's different when we try to apply these things to our every-day lives and they usually are "No Help" at all when we're laying in bed crying, thinking about him all day, wondering what it will be like if we leave......

I have been going to Alanon meetings lately. I have had some alcoholics in my past so that qualifies me to attend these meetings (really you don't have to qualify for anything) But I am constantly amazed at how living with an alcoholic is and how it makes people feel is SOOOOOOO similar to living with the man I do. (not to mention the way I think and react to him)

Anyway, just a thought. There are three "Approved Alanon Literature" books I would like to recommend if you're interested. I read the the day's page every day and am "trying" to not only "know" what it's saying is true, but trying to "apply" it to my daily life. It's hard, especially when you're used to being a certain way for so long.

Ok, I'm still yakking. I just think you would benefit by learning (as I am) that we don't have to make decisions right now, we can always change our decisions, we can make our day better at any time of day, and most importantly, we can choose how we feel and react no matter who's doing/saying what to us. Let me know if you want me to name the books I mentioned.

Take Care

April 20, 2005
11:50 am
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Rasputin
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Toomanytears,

Welcome to this board. Most of us here suffer from co-dependency. You are not alone.

Here is a good book entitled "Co-dependency no more" by: Melody Beatie. I browsed into this book, it is very good. I also recommend you to attend coda meetings in your area.

For the time being there is a thread here entitled "Let it Go" type this title in and read it. It is very inspiring.

(((HUGS & PRAYERS)))

April 20, 2005
4:19 pm
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toomanytears
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alfalfa,

i truly believe you really need to have a long, deep discussion with g/f. it sounds like she may have some issues to deal with, therefore she's having a hard time prioritizing people, like you, in her life. and if it's to the point where she feels "emotionally blackmailed by HER OWN FAMILY", well i hate to say it, but there's got to be some kind of cut off. what kind of input/support do you have from your family and mutual friends? from past experiences, i know how my family and friends feel about b/f, but when it really comes down to it, it's obviously my own decision and that i'm happy. but to be honest, i'm more like confused. do i dare to reveal what's really going on in my relationship . . .no. it's really none of their business, but at least i know i have their support if i needed it. it may be tough, but i believe you and g/f should really have a good talk. hang in there!

April 20, 2005
4:32 pm
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toomanytears
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Bambam,

thanks for responding. it's just so good to know that there are so many of us going through something similiar. i was in such denial thinking that my relationship wasn't "normal".

unfortunately, where i am right now, there's no coda meetings available, but there is al-anon. i'm hesitant to go. . .i'm somewhat close with b/f's mom, who's obviously gone through so much with her husband being the recovering alcholic. do you think it would be a good idea to talk to her?

i just get so worried sometimes about my so-called future with b/f. i can't exactly say that he has a huge problem with drinking. .. he's a bartender (how ironic!!) and he does have the odd drink after work, but it's not like he would come home plastered. but before i left (had to come home due to an injury and now doing re-hab), i noticed that he would be staying out later after his shift, obviously drinking and hanging out with his co-workers. and he wouldn't call me until like 4hours after he's supposed to be done saying he doesn't know when he'll be home. am i being paronoid and controlling or is he just being inconsiderate?! all i know is that if it were him, sitting at home, disabled and lonely, i would at least make the effort to check in so he wouldn't worry, maybe not even be out so late cause he'd been home all day by himself!!! sorry, i'm just venting now.

it's good that i'm home because for the meantime, i'm trying to focus on getting better and doing things for myself. i mean, i could call him everyday, but he hasn't made any effort so why should i. i'd love to get those al-anon readings from you. any kind of inspriration to get through each day would definitely help. thanks for that!!

April 22, 2005
11:00 am
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The names of the 3 books are "Courage To Change", "One Day At A Time In Alanon" and "Hope For Today".

I looked all over for them (they're not at Barnes & Nobel) I had to go to the Alanon Office in my city to get them. All together they cost $26.00, but WELL worth it.

Each page is dated the same as 1 calendar year. On almost every page they refer to the "alcoholic" in our lives. I currently do not have an alcoholic in my life, but like I said, the situations and feelings and reactions, etc. are very similar.

These books are written for the person living with an alcoholic, not the alcoholic. I find that they really help me focus on me and what I feel and what I need to be doing, and I have slowly began to quit focusing on "him" so much. This actually has helped our relationship.

He still does a lot of the same old crappy stuff I've been bitching to him about for years, (guess my bitching and being unhappy with him all the time didn't work to get what I wanted, duh!!), but I can handle him being an idiot a lot better now.

I'm making him out to be a real "icky" guy and really he's not, as I'm sure your guy isn't either. But you have to admit, sometimes they have their head so far up their own ass, they have no idea what's wrong with anything they do (or don't do)!!!

I'm glad you're not taking the time you have by yourself for granted. That's a good way to look at being home and disabled and left alone. I don't really know you, but I have a feeling you're in good company.

As for your question about if you're feeling paranoid or controlling, or is he just being inconsiderate..... let me ask you this, if you were one of your friends and he was your friend's b/f, how would you feel about him leaving your friend home alone while he was out doing "fun" stuff and not having enough thought for your friend to even call at a decent time?

Please feel better, you sound like too nice of a person to worry and cry....
BB

April 22, 2005
11:10 am
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Toomanytears,

I also wanted to add this. Talking to your b/f's mom might be ok. Most people who have lived with an alcoholic are just as screwed up as the alcoholic. I'm not sure what her background is, but if she has never attended Alanon or some type of therapy for codependency, she might not be very objective to your concerns. Not to mention it's her son you're talking to her about. But on the other hand, she might have more info, advice, and encouragement for you than you think. (you do learn a lot from living with an alcoholic/addict) I lived with an addict for about 11 years and boy did that screw me up, especially after he committed suicide. A therapist once told me that if it has taken someone years to get screwed up, it might take years to get un-screwed. But, if you have one good day, and another, and another, soon they add up to a better life. Isn't that what we want. That includes your future with your b/f.

April 22, 2005
2:05 pm
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Its not ironic that he's a bartender if he likes to drink. Its on purpose. He choose to be a bartender so he can be close to alcohol and that makes it easy to drink. He doesn't sound very intersted in having a relationship with you. He's not available. He'd rather stay out than be at home with you. You are not very important to him. Why stay in this relationship? I would leave and find someone who wants to be with me.

April 22, 2005
2:19 pm
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on my way
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alfalfa...
you have a choice to make...love this women in spite of, or break up with her...why prolong the inevitable, waiting for something to change?

Interestingly enough, I am a lay counselor...last night was the topic of enmeshment...when a family is enmeshed...they do not allow someone to have their own life, they feel this person they are trying to control has to be the way they want them to be so that "they can be happy". The other person, your girlfriend, if enmeshed in her family, cannot live without her family's approval, adn it has most likely been this way her entire life...now that she is an adult, adn if she is trying to step away, it is causing all kinds of problems.

Do you want to involve your life and your family in something that may never change?

The up side is that she sees a counselor who can explain to her further how this negatively affects her life, and current and/or future relationships.

But for you, maybe you need to decide what, IN THE LONG RUN, will be best for you.
Good luck.

April 22, 2005
2:36 pm
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toomanytears
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bambam,

thanks for those book names. . i'll do my best to look out for them.

in response to your last question . . .when it really comes down to it, i'd be pretty pissed of at my friend's b/f for not "checking in" either. i mean when you're in a relationship, wouldn't it even just be common courtesy? with my b/f, he'd call after he was done but would say he didn't know what time he'd be home. .okay fair enough, but when he'd come home 4 hrs.later, obviously drunk, of course he'd get upset. . .then he'd start calling that 4 hrs after he'd finished cause he knew that i'd be upset anyways for him staying out. it hurts to think about this all over again, but it's just becoming more clearer to me that i'm not as important anymore to him.

i'm planning to go over to his parents house tomorrow and have a visit. maybe, if the timing's right i'll say something to his mom. after i'm done my physio here, the plan was just to go back with him, but our living situation has changed (our lease ran out). . .plus he's already acknowledged the fact that he doesn't want to "live together" anymore cause he's not ready to be that kind of couple.. ..whatever the f*#k that means. man, i'm just in such a bind. . .

did i mentioned too that since being home for 3 weeks, i've only spoken to him once! and i had to call him. . .gee, i guess that should be another sign, eh?

April 22, 2005
2:40 pm
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toomanytears
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kathygy,

thanks for your honest words. . .i know he's not available. he's got some stuff he needs to figure out. . .like whether or not i'm a priority and if i'm in his life or not. . .can't stand anymore of this we together, don't live together, live together but not really getting along, live in different cities don't see each other as much, blah, blah, blah. . .

p.s. read "how do dow i tell my loved ones about my co-dependency" thread. . .tell me what you think. thanks a bunch!!

April 22, 2005
3:08 pm
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Toomanytears,

Wow, only once in 3 weeks! Not trying to pry or anything, but do you guys live in the same city right now? You mentioned you needed to come home to recover? Is "home" the same city where he lives?

April 22, 2005
3:15 pm
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Oh ya, I almost forgot. A good friend of mine asked me a few months ago (when my b/f was being a real ass, in fact I moved out for 2 months).....anyway, she asked me what he did for me? At that time, I couldn't even tell her one thing! (other than sex of course, that's always good) But I honestly couldn't think of 1 thing he did for "me".

Maybe you should ask yourself the same question. (Just a thought)

hang in there

April 22, 2005
4:01 pm
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toomanytears
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bambam,

no. we're not in the same city right now. we're practically a 20hr. drive away from each other.

yes, since my injury, he was doing a lot for me. since he he knew i couldn't always get up make meals, let alone go to the grocery store, he'd sometimes bring home dinner for us. i guess the little things do count. unfortunately, the sex wasn't there. i don't know if he felt paranoid about my injury, but because things weren't going that great before i left, there really was a lack of intimacy. that was/ still is really hard for me cause how do you go from an active sex life to a non existent one with your significant other? it was like he was getting bored of making love to me or something?

April 22, 2005
5:08 pm
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TMT,

That's pretty thoughtfull of him to bring meals home for you. A lot of otherwise "good" guys wouldn't even think to do that, unless of course they were hungry themselves.

I don't know, maybe it's me, but not talking very much in that length of time doesn't sound normal to me. Is your plan to recover from your injury and move back to the city where he is. (since he doesn't want to "live" together) or do you have a plan?

It's hard to know how much to put into something when you don't know what's on the other end or how much you'll get out of it. Being even just a little bit selfish is OK!!

I think you should either write or tell him your concerns before making such a decision. Then at least you will know that he knows how you feel. You won't have to worry if he knows how bad he's hurting you and how rejected you're feeling. Maybe he's not trying to make you feel that way at all and doesn't even know that by doing what he's doing he's making you feel icky. Tell him what you want out of a relationship, not just with him, but with any man you're with and ask him what he wants out of his relationships. Even though you've been together for a while, sometimes people need to be reminded of what really matters to them.

As for the intimacy, I don't have any suggestions for you on that subject other than I feel for you. It is hard to be intimate with someone for a long time and then all of the sudden, NONE.

Maybe using this time to yourself is a blessing (like you said, get your brain in order) take it easy and have a good weekend.
BamBam

April 22, 2005
5:09 pm
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Dear toomany tears:

I didn't read every post on this thread, and I see that it's evolved from your first post, but I found this quote this afternoon and I thought of you...

"Let your anger dissolve into tears. Water makes everything else in the world grow, surely your tears will also help you grow".

I know you aren't angry--Iiked the idea that tears help us grow.

toobee

April 22, 2005
8:15 pm
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toomanytears
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2bstrong,

thanks for the inspirational words. it means a lot to me. . .the way that i see it, the more tears i shed, the better i feel cause it just gets out any negative feelings i have about myself or b/f.

hugs back to you. . .

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