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I'm new here - looking for insight and support
June 4, 2006
2:53 am
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bluefish
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I'll dive right in if I can. I'm 30 years married to same man. I have A.D.D. and he has (undiagnosed) OCPD.(opposites to the extreme) Either diagnosis are fairly new, ADD has been 5 years, OCPD,6mo. We both so co-dependent I don't know where my problem starts and ends and where his starts. He thinks he has no problems except me. I'm his problem,he says.

Actually all the horrific problems we've been through has somewhat rounded us both out. Instead of being a hopeless messy person I have learned to be somewhat organized,although I still do forget alot of important things. My husband is a little less rigid, I believe, than he would have been without me.

In our relationship I come out as the needy person and he always reminds me of everything that I'm forgetting and correcting me all the time. Having OCPD, it is impossible to actually reason with him. He has it stuck in his head that I need reminders and nothing will ever change that. No explainations ever help with him. I can go crazy explaining why some things are more critical than others and that I need a little space - even to learn. To him I make one mistake and I'm hopeless. So I run around trying to be perfect and he feels the constant pressure to watch me like a hawk to prevent me from making a mistake.

I know this is long. I just want to say that I have learned lots of tricks of the trade - of getting along with an OCPDer but I lack in knowing what is normal exactly. Every person is different in what is acceptable so I don't always know how not to be co-dependent. thanx for listening. bluefish

June 5, 2006
10:18 am
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Dear bluefish,

It is not right to find a thread started with no responses to it -- welcome to the site -- I will do my best.

I'm not sure what OCPD (Personality Disorder I recognize) stands for.

If you have been married for 30 years, these interaction/behavior patterns are pretty well established, aren't they? I'm so sorry your husband is so controlling and critical with you. Have you ever gone to counselling???

Having ADD ........... are you sure it is not stress-induced forgetfulness because you have such a constant monitoring from him???

My very bossy, critical sister was actually telling me how to recycle my garbage last year (she was visiting). Instead of just letting it go, I stopped and told her she had no right to tell me what to do and she had to stop treating me like that.

Seriously, you CAN set some boundaries with your husband!! You can tell him you will do your best with reminders and lists and it is not his responsibility (it is yours) to control your behavior.

Please try not to be overwhelmed. Keep coming here and talking. Deeply ingrained issues are very difficult to see clearly. I am going to send you the Personal Bill of Rights thing someone posted once here that I find so validating.

June 5, 2006
10:22 am
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The Personal Bill of Rights

1. Life should have choices beyond mere survival.

2. You have the right to say no to anything when you feel you are not ready or it is not safe.

3. Life should not be motivated by fear.

4. You have a right to all of your feelings.

5. You are probably not guilty.

6. You have a right to make mistakes.

7. There is no need to smile when you cry.

8. You have a right to terminate conversations with people who make you feel put down or humiliated.

9. You can be healthier than those around you.

10. It is OK to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.

11. You have a right to change and grow.

12. It is important to set limits and be selfish.

13. You can be angry at someone you love.

14. You can take care of yourself, no matter what circumstances you are in.

June 5, 2006
10:58 am
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cpt1212
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bluefish,

i don't really have any advice, but i do want to say welcome.

brynnie,

thanks for posting the bill of rights we all need a reminder from time and i know that i should read it more often

June 5, 2006
12:35 pm
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bluefish
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I'll just say a quick thanks for replys, for now. I'll read the 'Rights list more carefully later when I have more time. OCPD is a condition where the person sends out constant criticisms and corrections to others but doesn't see themselves and can't be reasoned with. There is more to it but I'll have more on that later. Thanks again. BF

June 7, 2006
12:31 am
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bluefish
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Hi, Just a bit of insite to OCPD. They criticise alot!!! It can be compared to a beaver having the need to chop down trees even when they have a perfectly wonderfully damn already built.

Telling them to stop bossing you around just doesn't ever make sense to them. Also they obsess. If you try to get through to them about them correcting you too much they will disagree and then they will obsess about it and you could be there listening to them for hours. If ever you interupt to make a correction in what they are saying they'll criticise you for interrupting and then start all over again what they were saying, right from the beginning, word for word, just as they said it before. If you interupt five times, they will start from the beginning 5 times.

The positive side is that they are almost 100% reliable to carry out their word and whatever they do they give it 102% and other such wonderful traits.

For so many years I thought I was as bad as he made me out to be. After all I forget so much and it seemed I was just lazy and irresponsible.

Now I know better and I also know why he does what he does and he doesn't mean harm - it is who he is.

I've read Co-depedent No More and it is an awsome book.

The only thing is that breaking all those habits of running for him and being afraid of him - they are just so hard to break. I'm sure there are areas in which I still don't really see myself and how I encourage his criticisms by validating them through showing my fears.

Melody Beattie talks about the power of Gratitude and I've been trying to practice that. It is amazing how much more in control I feel when I pump out the gratituds, to encourage myself and for him to hear them too. Those are the good days.

Sometimes all it takes for him to make that stiff frowning face and he latches on to whatever it was I did wrong and fear shoots through me and and all I learned is gone. That's about the time I will make a complete fool of myself, and then realize that not a thing I say matters. So I made him look good - again!!! Man I hate when that happens!

I apologize for being so long. Thank you Brynnie for the Personal Bill of Rights. As I am still fighting some old habits I will be adding those to the material that I read from every day; reenforcing a healthier way of thinking. This is exacty what I'm looking for.

I've come a long way in the last year by talking to people, reading and then practice, practice, practice.

Sure appreciate this outlet! Thanks cpt1212 for the welcome. bf

June 7, 2006
5:40 pm
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Bluefish,

I've been having a struggle with other people's criticisms alot lately. I'm not sure why, but it seems like it has come to a crisis point, because my blood pressure was so high I had to begin bp meds this week. I was literally feeling like I was going to explode if I heard one more complaint, whine or critical comment from anyone about anyone.

You are giving your husband a great deal of compassion and understanding for his behavior.

Can't you tell him to just STOP it R"IG"HT NOW!!!!!!!!!??????????

June 9, 2006
11:54 am
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bluefish
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Brynnie,

I tell you, I know all about blood pressure. Not in the medical sense but meaning boiling point angry. I would not have believed a few years ago that I could learn to be calm and in control - FIRST, before my circumstances could change.

This is what it took; Reading learning, slow at first with many many questions and uncertainties,and writing journals. For a while that was my only healthy outlet for my anger.

Sometimes in the evening when my husband went to work I'd take the car for a short drive and I'd scream till I couldn't scream any more and my voice was gone. That would usually end in praying which I thought was an interesting combination. I felt so good after that, like I had had a bath on the inside.

Searching the internet for answers took me to the OCPD site. That was another huge eye opener. I began talking to my doctor and then a councellor. She advised me to read 'codependent no more'.

I feel like the more I learn and practice the more I'm making my way out of this muck of a life that I've had.

At first when I tried to change some unhealty habits of coping it felt so wierd and just wrong and so impossible. See, I would get so frustrated that I would actually physically hurt myself. It was so hard to stop that because that was my way of validating my pain. I had no clue why I did it at the time and I thought I must be crazy.

The wierdest thing of all is that the more I'm ok with myself the more it doesn't bother me the way my husband is. I didn't say that right. It does bother me, but the more I learn the better I know how to, the more impowered I am, to handle difficulties life brings.

Oh my goodness I could write a book. bf

June 9, 2006
12:19 pm
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bluefish
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goodness, I wanted to answer to what you were saying Brynnie.

Although discussions don't work with my OCPD husband, short replys do. Like you suggested,saying
"STOP,NOW"or saying, "OuCH", when he insults me. Or saying "What did THAT mean?" those would be good things and they stop him in his tracks. He might even rethink his wording and say it differently. But if you ever spell it out he will get all his defences up. Once the obsession sets in nothing will change him and the problem will just get bigger and bigger.

I always used to want discussions, and thought, if he understands then all will be well. Oh the pain!!! I still feel some of it.

I like the saying I heard, "THere is more than one way to do something right." I'm learning other ways of thinking and other ways of communicating what I need to say.bf

June 9, 2006
8:35 pm
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Rasputin
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BF - I think OCPD is also about people who are perfectionist...highly organized, they like things too orderly and they tend to worry too much and do things over and over, like checking out bolts, keys, door locked over and over. They wash their hands several times thinking that they have germs or microbs.

They really wreak havoc with our life and make us lose our peace and serenity.

Life with a member of a family or spouse like that can be very Stressful, let alone tiring. Most probably people with OCPD symptoms tend to brush off on the other members of the family.

~Ras~

June 9, 2006
8:47 pm
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bluefish
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can't talk now but yes, Ras, that is absolutely true! There is OCD as well but that is easier to detect as a disorder because they do stranger things I think. OCPD can appear, to others not living with the person, as someone who is so efficient and organized they are to be envied. thanx for the reply bf

June 9, 2006
9:08 pm
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its always a good reminder that are loved ones are not their to make our lives (thats our job) their there to share them with us.
Also ive been educating my self in disoredrs recently, tring to give more meaning to life. its hard b/c it's life and we often have to just deal with whats happenig at the moment. it may be the case that your H actually is having problems managing his owm brain functioning. its a real thing and a real diorder. This can not be used as an excuse but a awrness to take the next step and get help. You two have been married 30 yrs not something you want to give up, im sure you guys have problably abused eachother over the years and i hope you two can work thru this tough times. Im sure as u knoww w/ your disorder it can be drictley related to the brain and may make someone have little contol over their mood their is lots of stuff you can do to try to get your brain back to the health that works best you. Im not just talking bout pharms but alot of things that deal with health eating exercise suxs doesnt it(TEHE). U said his was just in the past 6 mo. has anything diff happen, phiysically even bumped a head or anything?
Probably nothing u didnt know already but just wanted to put a view for you to see; im new here too i havent started a thread yet but im sure ill have a few soon enough

June 12, 2006
9:10 pm
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bluefish
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welcome 119! I don't go on internet often so it takes awhile to answer sometimes.

Hope you find the support and help that you need.

What I meant about my H just resently having ocpd - it is just recently that I figured out what his problem is and has been all these years.

He will never change and I don't think he'll ever see a doctor either. Part of the condition is that he is always right and there is never anything wrong with him.

Yes it sucks but my mind is expanding alot through all of this and I have been surprised at how I can get around alot of what seemed like impossibilities.

I think it's like any other disability a person might have. You can either let it grind you into the dirt or you become smart and strong. I am determined to become strong and talking it out and hearing people has already been unbelievable help.

company's here - got to go. bf

June 13, 2006
1:33 pm
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2findpeece
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Hi i'm new here. This OCPD what does it stand for? The way you describe it it sounds like my spouse. I'd like to look it up.Thanks

June 13, 2006
9:51 pm
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bluefish
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hi,2findpeece

OCPD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. You can learn all about it at: groups.msn.com/OCPD
Note: it is NOT the same as OCD.

What a relief and what an eye opener to learn about this disorder. These wonderful and special people most of the time could not tell you how they feel and they really really can't see themselves. It is really very disturbing because they are smart and meticulous and accurate but --- they cannot see themselves.

The more I learned about OCPD the more I could get into my husbands brain and figure out where some of the odd behaviours came from. Where once I thought he was even narcistic maybe, I realized that they work night and day to be right about everything all the time. If you try to tell them that they don't need to stress themselves out so much, they'll almost panic.

This perfection thing is what they hold on to like it is the oxygen that they breath. It's like if they don't have something to correct or criticise than they have this panic feeling that they will miss something and things will get out of control. That is how their brains are wired and it is next to impossible to help them in any way. I could go on and on but you will learn much more if you go to that site I mentioned. Good Luck bf

June 14, 2006
3:04 am
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Thanks bluefish...I scanned that site and yup I can see this is the name for my spouses ways. I have to admit that the "anal character" has gone through my mind even before finding out that Freud coined the phrase! Thanks for the info. and understanding. I can also relate to the exploding blood pressure Brynne. Once I screamed at spouse, in a fit of desperation, "You are going to give me a Stroke my head is pounding and I can't Stand it anymore!" Of course S did't get it and thought I was from another planet. I have been trying to work on myself and God knows that takes enough time, and on a good day I can breathe while S is in a rant and close my eyes internally and feel the rant like a cold breeze and wait for it to pass. It has a stange disarming effect on S. Don't think that they are use to that response. When they see you love them but don't attach their stuff to you. On a bad day I can sulk and have migraines or spew molten verbal lava but neither of those works for our family. We have two kids and 1 is already showing signs of being under stress to be perfect. They watch how I handle things with S....that's scary. Thanks for this thread I needed it too.
2findpeece

June 14, 2006
3:08 am
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2findpeece
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P.S. I do the ,screaming in the car thing, as well. Wailing or mourning loudly works best for me. hope that helps

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