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I'm new here... help!
November 12, 2004
12:16 pm
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Lindzb
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Hey guys,
I'm new to this site... i came across it when reading some things on codependancy. I guess I'll give you a little background. My name is Lindsay. I'm 22 years old and my boyfriend of 3 years is a recovering crack addict. I am completely codependant on him. He has been clean for 10 months now. He went to rehab for 8 months and is now living in a sober house. I guess you can say before he got clean... I went on a rollercoaster from hell. Like most of you may have experienced yourselves. I tried everyhting in my power to help him. But nothing seemed to work until he really wanted to change himself. That is one thing I've realized.
Well, my problem is... he has been clean for 10 months... but I am still completely codependant on him. I need to know what he is doing every second of the day. I need to know exzctly eaht is going on in his life. If I call him and he does not answer I have panic attacks. I have anxiety when I wake up in the morning. If I dont know where he is... I can not concentrate on anything but him.
My behavior has greatly affected our relationship. He often gets annoyed with me... and tells me to worry about myslef.. not him. He loves me... and i do not fear he will break up with me, but i know my behavior is deteriorating our relatiosnhip and myself.
I just dont know how to stop it!!!! I feel like I love him so much, and I want to keep him safe all the time. I am so worried and afraid that one day he may relapse and I can not let go of all the bad memories of the past. Sometimes I wish he was never in my life... but at the same time, I CAN NOT let him go. This issue is greatly affecting my schoolwork, my social life... and my mental sanity.
What do I have to do to trust him again? I want to be strong enough to live my life... and be okay even if he is not okay. I do not want my whole existence to depend on him! I want me back... without giving him up... is this possible???

any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Lindsay

November 12, 2004
12:33 pm
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CAMER
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hi Lindsay: "tells me to worry about myslef.. not him" you wouldn't beleive how many of my ex bf's said this same thing to me! One way to
stop worrying is try to get some more knowledge out of reading Coda books and attending Coda meetings ..
http://www.coda.org and start working on
healing yourself, i am glad your bf has been clean for 10 mos. and I am
sure he may struggle daily with his
addictions and staying that way, sober. You know he loves you, now you need to focus on YOU, and love yourself more so you can feel confident that he is doing the right
thing...let him work on his issues and you work on yours, just take lil' steps and soon enough you will be
able to not worry.

November 12, 2004
12:37 pm
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art angel
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Hi Lindsay! I am also 22, and my ex boyfriend is a drug addict. I think he is still using pot and coke. I understand your feelings of wanting to keep him safe nad worrying all the time about him....I did too. But, that is not what broke up our relationship. (that is another story, one I won't go into now...) Just wanted to let you konw, I was very codependent too, it's AWESOME that you realize this about yourself and that you know you can and need to change some things. You can do it, do some reading like Camer said, and keep posting here, and really start to focus on YOU and your life and what you're doing today, tomorrow. Hope this helped a little.

I'm here for you!

hugs,

art angel

November 12, 2004
1:19 pm
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funlove
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HI Lindsay,
The father of my children has a crack cociane addiction. I know how powerful this drug. I also obsess constintly about him because I want so much to control his decisions so he can never hurt me or our children again. I'm 27 years old and I have just started codendent recovery, I see a counsellor at my local addictions center and go to a support group.Remember you are powerless over everything you try to control. The only power and control you have is over yoursef. You are looking for something you need from someone else but you already have it inside yourself, you just need to find it. My counseller said I am obsessing over him because I'm obsessing over what I am missing from my life and I am looking for him to give it to me. When he calls me, he needs me to give him love, forgiveness and acceptance but ironically enough those are the very things I am looking for myself from him and I give him the little that I have and then I am left empty. You have made a wonderful discovery about yourself just keep up the great work, you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you get the help you need now. God Bless.

November 15, 2004
8:37 am
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sexychocgirl
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hi lindsay i agree with camer.i think you could benifit from the coda meetings. as a recovering person my self the begining is the hardest when you are detoxing from the substance.
and at the same time reliazing there is hope for you is a miracle. what i am saying is he is finally safe. now be alright with that and take care of you. see if you can find the book women who love to much by robin norwwod good luck....

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