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I'm male, and think I may be co-dependent, cuz there isn't anyone else but her
July 7, 2009
2:45 am
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bruto77
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My gf three years ago had a child which I raised from day one of pregnancy, to three months after birth, while finding out half way through the pregnancy that she had cheated on me with two guys, and the child may most likely be theirs.

I gave it my best to provide for them, house, I got her a job for pre-natal, etc.

The story is horrible with details, but this is about me - I need help discovering why I am still so drawn to this girl.

With her now a recovered addict and me getting better at hiding it, she seemed to finally be a good candidate, healthy for me for once, when really it was just her weight she was worried about.

So why? Is it the masochistic muse that I need as a professional "artist?" or the wanting to see something come out of the investment? She has been going steadily downhill with wicked addictions (not as bad drug-wise now, but sexually rather), and I have been sitting here on the sidelines getting more and more depressed; its easy for a lady to find company while a man has to build up his ego (what's left) and to full stature to even get a chance.

She's made me feel inadequate cuz I couldn't rape her properly, while really she just needed to be more patient.

Here I am about to close escrow on a new house and I want her to be the accessory like before, fill the rooms with lavishness, etc. but family and friends are all saying NOOOO! So now I talk to her on the "down low"

WHY? WHAT CAN I DO TO MOVE ON?
Does anyone have any books they could recommend?

Thank you in advance, I don't need to be jaded any more.

July 7, 2009
8:15 am
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CAMER
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hi Bruto, you can read Codependent NO more by Melody Beattie, even read Women who love too much (even though your a man, it'll give you insight if you just reverse the roles "men who love too much').

Have you found out yet it the baby is yours?

I think you know the best thing is to move on without this woman, and find out why you are drawn to her more and more.

Keep posting & talking, it all helps.

July 7, 2009
8:53 am
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atalose
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I believe you really have to make up your mind and stop sitting on the fence about whether or not you want to continue to endure a life with this woman or move on.

Until you make a decision one way or another life will remain frustrating and you will be filled with anxiety.

It’s your own addiction, you are addicted to her and the only way to break an addiction is to begin with abstinence.

When the pain of staying with her becomes more then the pain of leaving you’ll make the decision you need to in order to gain a happier and more peaceful life.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 7, 2009
2:04 pm
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bruto77
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Thank you for your replies...

I did leave out that important detail, no the child was not mine though I hoped it would have been and still try to give him my best.

Some interesting turn of events, she has been checking in here n there, for her own validation I believe, usually saying she is really drunk, leaving me to worry more, mr savior right? And the first period of distance which I started a few months ago I had just gotten over her (3 weeks of not talking that I initiated), and had strength - until she called and I answered. This has been happening now the last 3 months

Well last night (07/06/09) she texts me on her way home from the aggressive dude, saying "wow I barely got out of there" and that she "is tired of getting used." and I'm thinking "wasn't that in your ad? 'Ilike to be taken and used..' - I ended up calling her and it was a little fake, I was depressed and needed a hug and she says that she is figuring out what she needs, sneaking in the "lets still be friends" which is her way of saying "u shouldn't get so worked up about me." She says she got kicked out of a party on the fourth and drove home drunk as well, which I have warned her about...

She has been spending time with Trent, the beautiful boy (I almost said our) now 2 yrs four months old, and she is going to be babysitting him today again. She offered to stop by with him and I at first said I don't think I am ready for that step, but then this morning I text her my time of availability. 🙁 She was never good with him and always seemed to use me to pick up the slack, in more ways than one...

I have mixed feelings about seeing them, for it could help me if I put on enough of a front, and stay strong, low voice, pretend I don't care and just focus on Trent. Yet I know that I would be doing this just to impress her, "show her what she is missing out on."

Its a screwy game I am playing with myself, she got out of the program in Sept 2008 and we were a healthy friendship, lots of hiking, but... she never stepped up the way I wanted her to, to show me that I could trust, and then I knew that she was sleeping around again and got pregnant. Needless to say she became a hipocrit in alllll regards...

I feel like I am the one that she keeps using as that "confidant" almost enabling, cuz if "brooks [that's me] is still talking to me..." And when she does I want to oddly hear the details, like "what happened? would he not let you leave? Did he hurt you? Where does he live?" Yet I know that's what she has wanted from him - even flaking on him, initiating some intimate time with me telling me of this guy for the first time, to only walk out after a couple minutes, right at the beginning, leaving me totally... rrrr... saying it'd been five days (she was still bruised and hickyed) that she needed a f**" and "he rapes me" leaving me to feel well not adequate because I couldn't DO THAT??? - I try so hard, but its never good enough. I digress...

But - does she care? At least I was able to give her a brief talk on the phone - "I'm concerned about you..." she opened up about drinking every night the last couple of months, to numb... yeah and what have I been doing, killing me softly...

I dunno what to do about this afternoon, its not an easy situation, I feel it could be a strength builder if I put the tough front on, yet, I think I might have alterior motives subconsciously - I want to be BETTER than them, and show her that I am.

But did she or could she ever care? I have thought that she was a sociopath at times, but then again maybe she has a trait that I am looking for, the ability to move on - guess its easy when there is a replacement...

This sucks - Brooks

July 7, 2009
3:14 pm
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bruto77
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@Camer

Thanks for the book info, I've order "No More" and "the new.." from Amazon.

I see that there are quizzes identifying the problem, I can only help that there would be a solution to start learning to love myself more.

What happened to the Golden Rule? Cuz I find I have given so much, hoping for something in return, the romantic harmony of equal exchange, yet here I am left with... nothing? And yet here I am 3 days from moving into a new house, yet it seems worth nothing if I can't share it.

July 7, 2009
3:20 pm
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CAMER
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hi Bruto, i guess you have to love yourself enough, to not get involved in "unhealthy relationships"....when you give, give, give, your heart your "self",your everything, and get nothing back, that doesn't seem too fair. The more you let someone take advantage of you, the more they will do it.

Why not focus on moving into your new home, focus on what you want to do with your home, how to decorate it or what not, and keep that focus on you and your accomplishments...all about you!

Be true to yourself, i think you know what you have to do, (be alone), maybe you just are not ready to cut all ties at this moment.

I wish you luck Brooks, keep re reading your posts and put the focus back on you and your needs.

((camer))

July 7, 2009
3:49 pm
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bruto77
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Thank you Camer and atalose, both kind words and up front, and real -

Great she just text me that she is outside... here we go.

Uggghhhh my heart is pounding...

July 7, 2009
5:22 pm
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bruto77
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She's strong, maybe I really just wasn't good enough, no... just not right. She's showed me from the beginning that lesson, and we were just fooling ourselves. She says, "I want to do what's right..." and she enjoys being single... Coming off what she's just endured, getting plastered to forget the experience while its present. She'll just jump from one thing to the next, to justify her decisions. Why wouldn't she, why should I care? Its painful to watch, cuz I just want to hold her. But perhaps I've held her back. She knows I've helped. She gets this sorry look in her eyes when I bring up stuff we need to confront, to understand. But i don't think she knows either.

I need to let her go.

July 7, 2009
5:25 pm
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bruto77
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YAY for DEPRESSION - RA RA SHEESH - BUM BAH -

I DON'T NEED THIS! I CAN DO BETTER! How can I possibly maintain this friendship...

July 7, 2009
5:56 pm
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Healing.. and peace
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Bruto,

You sound kind of young, not saying you are but I'll tell you having three son's and watching girls play head games with them really gets to me. Because I have two daughters as well and have always taught them not to play with someone's heart.

Which is exactly what it sounds like she has done with your heart. If you were my son, I would hug you and let you know that time will heal your broken heart. Maybe thing about some al-anon meetings, and get yourself involved in something that you really enjoy doing. This helps heal your heart, and remember you will and can get over this, and she may still try to play games with you, but when your stronger you will see that she truly isn't good for you, and that you can be happy without her.

My best to you Burto, my suggestion is to be kind to yourself and allow your heart to heal. Lot's of hugs to you, and hang in there life will get easier, and you can and will be happy again.

July 7, 2009
11:16 pm
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wireless28806
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I dont mean any harm, or to be mean.. I have been on this site now for the past four years doing the same thing over and over. For twenty five years now I have been through the same crap different girl over and over again. I will not hug you.. you dont like what is going on, leave her. It has been in my experience that only in the moment of support I get really strong, and am able to "say" I can do it, I will leave. When the moment is gone, and I am in pain and have to run to her to get my fix, the cycle starts over once again. The kids arent yours.. dude let it go.. she screwed up.. quit ENABLING her to keep doing the same thing..

I will not tell you boo hoo I feel bad for you, because I dont, it only makes you feel empowered and keeps you where you are. Look at your life.. I had to.. If you feel bad CHANGE it If You keep going back to her and you know she is not good for you, then SUFFER. Do something right for you.. feel great about who you are.. respect you, like you, feel good about you..

Honestly, I just realized that I like what I wrote.. it makes me feel better about me, because I am the same way, and am sick of the same old crap..me It is me, my choice, my life. I live the way I do because of me.. Dude... get rid of her, or you wont make it. There is better out there, there is you...

Your friend

July 8, 2009
11:58 am
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atalose
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Wireless….you mentioned

{{It has been in my experience that only in the moment of support I get really strong, and am able to "say" I can do it, I will leave. When the moment is gone, and I am in pain and have to run to her to get my fix, the cycle starts over once again.}}

Maybe you need more then just “moments” of support, when this happened to me I needed to kick up that support. The scales had to tip in my favor and the only way for that to happen was for me to spend more time on me and my recovery other wise we just keep spinning our wheels.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 8, 2009
11:58 pm
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CraigCo
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Bruto77

Wireless made some valid points. A pat on the back may work temporarily for some but it's not for everyone. So yea, "Dump the chump" is probably better & more honest advise.

July 10, 2009
10:16 pm
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druidgirl
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Hi

"Its called break up because its broken" by Greg Behrendt is really good. Its a good book, helped me a lot when i felt like calling my ex boyfriend in the middle of the night,and was in bits feeling like im still very attracted to him. The book is written from the guys point of view, i think you will like it, (even if it says girls guide on the cover...i dont know why)

Best of luck, really.
It will all pass.
Your true love is somwhere out there still waiting 4 you..so why not find her hmm?

July 11, 2009
7:45 am
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2BHAPPY
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Wow Bruto..this girl really puts you through a lot.

I am glad it is not your child..one less thing to worry about once she moves on..because she will eventually get tired of playing you.

Maybe get some counseling to help you understand why you are involved with someone who is so destructive, manipulative and is using you. She tells you about the other men in her life what they do to her..How can you stand there and listen to her?

You sound like a really nice guy and deserves a lot better than what you are settling for.

Keep posting and get some help out there. I think there is a group for Emotional Anonymous or something like that. They may be able to help you.

 

 

2bHappy

July 12, 2009
10:59 pm
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wireless28806
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2bhappy... He choe to stay with this girl, he put himself through this.

Oh...counceling, not because of what she is doing to him, but because of the fact that he lets her do this to him...

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