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Im lost and need help
December 20, 2005
2:09 pm
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kasie919
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HiMamaC:

hope i havent gotten you in trouble with hubby.

unfortunatley my laawyer is ihs own practice, no other helpers.

But i know i will be ok, i know what i have to do it things escalate again..

I will have some cash on friday, ive got to talk to my lawyer first, according to some police info here..
Ive written a email to my old boss, maybe i will go back to pa..
not really sure if i want to but, it woudlnt be so bad if i could share a place with someone..

Ill have to think hard about that one,
anyway.

dont worry about me, im trying as hard as hell..

(((((hugs to momma C)))))))

December 20, 2005
6:53 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

You did not get me in trouble w/ hubby. lol. I can do that all on my own. He thinks I spend to much time in cyberland and not enough time in reality. Told him if reality were nicer to me I'd most likely be there more. hehe.

You stay strong.. but don't forget to breath. Do not get consumed w/ all this. You have your calls made, your emails sent so sit down and read your son a book.

I read on you and Overcome's thread on the kids giving you a hard time. My two with the evil x, now 23 and 20, used to play us bigtime. Evil x did his share of teaching them very well. I would ground them and he'd let them invite everyone over for a big party. Stuff like that.

Just realize that one day she will wake up and feel really bad for this. I'm sure you giving her the needed tough love makes her even more determined. Just be sure to say "I love you" and pray for her each night. She will come around eventually.

December 21, 2005
9:47 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Just checkin in to see if you are ok. I'm out for the day. Hope you have a great day. 🙂

December 21, 2005
12:47 pm
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kasie919
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HI MamaC:

Im ok, been a little down about my daughter, i wish i could go home for her, but then i thought about tht as well,
ive not talked much about her situation because i was involved with the husband, my daughter, has used me as well, and i have allowed her to walk all over me, all in guitk because of how her father treated both of us, She now has chosen a path i cannot correct for her, although i was at a point of taking her baby away, i decided not to as in my current situation i cannoit afford another child, nor do i think i could handle it right now,
My daughter can lay guilt on me faster than u can blink, ive speny many nights crying because of her, so now im dealing with both of these situations and its getting out of control, this is suppose to be a happy time, and im not feeling it..

I cant sleep, ive tried everything, im not eating right, and thats bad as I am diabetic, ive come close to shock a few times, my body is telling me it needs help, i hurt all over, i take hot showers 2 maybe 3 times a dy, i cant take it..
I dont take much in medication, i take my insulin and my zoloft, tylenol for the pain, i cant wait to see a doctor, but i may just fall apart until i do..

went for an intake for counseling down here, hoping i can get coverage, other wise i cant afford it until i get a job..

when do the tears stop?
when do i stop being so sad?

its hard enough this time of year, i miss my mom more than anything, now i carry more guilt..

this is so hard...

December 22, 2005
3:03 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

First... put the guilt where it belongs honey. You were not the one the made your mom commit suicide so you have not right to take the guilt for it. Let it go coz it will only eat you up if you don't. And right now you don't need that extra guilt.

The tears will stop when you get past this or when you get hard enough to not cry. I'd prefer it not be for that reason. You stay focused on the goal. Keep your future in front of you.

This time of year is always hard on folks. I'd say you will feel a bit better after the holidays are over and you can progress toward your goal.

Keep your chin up. You are doin just fine. Be strong for your son.

December 22, 2005
12:59 pm
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kasie919
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IF YOU COME TO READ MY THREAD PLEASE GO TO MY CHRISTMAS WISH THREAD..

THANKS TO EVERYONE

December 25, 2005
8:38 pm
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kasie919
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Did You ever hear the one...
You wouldnt survive with out me????
Ha!!!

How long will it take for me to prove himn wrong??

I did something, i never thought i could, part of the plan is to complete the pain preocess and put an end to it, my beginning was my dad, so i sat down and wrote one of the most heart wrenching, angry,sad, and most of all honest letter to my father, I told him how i felt and what he did to me and how i felt he was responsible for my life, but as i wrote it i realized i am the one who is responsible.. Although I had no intentions on mailing it I did, because I wanted him to know...

I thought he would never speak to me again........

he called today, on Christmas, and said he will be here Tuesday..
750 miles he is going to drive to discuss a letter I wrote Wow!!!
im not sure what to think, but, im gonna take it like an adult this time, and tell him from my heart what his actions have done to me..

And then...
Im letting that past go...
onto another stage...
my marriage...
now that will take some work getting out of...
but i know im gonna do it...
i need help, but im gonna do it........God will be on my side....

December 25, 2005
8:45 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Question to you.... Your dad is coming down Tuesday. Can you be packed and leave w/ him if things go well? I see a possible window...

Good to see you posting again.

December 25, 2005
8:49 pm
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kasie919
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NO cant go live there, he is the kind of man who thinks you just dont run, he hit my mom for years,
But..
he will help me, if i need money or if i need anything else, im gonna tell him like it is, tell him all, im not gonna hide it, hes going to hear it the real way..

something hit me real hard this weekend and i have to step up, i need to really do this, i cant explain how i feel or what has overcome me, today when i broke down i realized i dont want to die, i just want to be free, of all the pain........
I am the only one to free me.....

and by the way I did post to you, and I did apologize, again, i didnt mean to be so immature...

Kasie

December 25, 2005
8:55 pm
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kasie919
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One thing about my dad, he is the originator of my abuse, when I was a child, from dragging me down steps,to locking me in rooms, to beating the hell out of me, but for some reason, i always felt compelled to beg for forgiveness and love from him....
hence 3 very abusive marriages....

I left my husband the first time he hit me, went home, my fahters reply..
" what did you do to deserve it? and "what are you gonna run over every little spat?''
# weeks later was when my jaw was crushed!!!

December 25, 2005
9:15 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

and by the way I did post to you, and I did apologize, again, i didnt mean to be so immature. I'm not following you here. Sorry. But you have no reason I can think of to apologize.

Yes, I was not saying live w/ your dad, I was thinkin more of a ride.

I do hope your Christmas celebration went well, and that you and your son are well. 🙂

December 26, 2005
12:22 pm
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kasie919
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Oh the other thread about Overcome,
I got a little upset because of stupid stuff... I am sorry...

Well today is a hard day, dont know if your here, i had to go shopping for my dad and step moms visit, Im actually scaired now, of what will be said, but it must mean something if hes coming here..
Hopefully i will have a long talk with him about my situation, my chances of going back with him are slim, as he will be going to Florida, then up to Va. hes got family and friends to see..
Im gonna ask, although im pretty sure of the lecture I will be recieving..

Im not suppose to be on this site for another few days, but I needed to.. for different reasons, but If I cant get help from my counseler but fo once a week what else can I do?

How was you christmas Mamma C?

Mine was good, my son had a wonderful time!!

Just wish it was different and I wasnt so sad...

Ok im off to make lunch, have a wonderful day..

Kasie

December 27, 2005
8:21 am
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kasie919
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This is my very last post...

Im sorry for all the pain I have caused to some people here, ...

Ive had enough, what was looking as help to me has now turned to adding to my hurt and pain..

I want express my deep admirationd for you Mamma C:
you have helped in ways no one ever has for me, you have alwasy been kind and caring, and i greatly appreciate this..

But for now I think the best thing for me is to walk away from this site and allow my inner peace to help me...

My life is turmoil, i dont need to addd to it by such child like actions, even i have caused myself, I am women enough to admit i had gone off in th most inapropriet way, no my spelling isnt perfect, nor is the way i try to express my feelings, so its best i take a step back and try to deal with this on my own...

Thank you ever so kindly for evry thing, some day maybe we will meet and I could tell you in person, but i know thats sliim to none..

may you find peace here, and i hope you continue on to help those who need most....

may heart holds a special place for you, Thank you again...

I will hold you in my prayers and think of you often...

Kasie

December 27, 2005
8:54 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Can you tell me what happeneed w/ your dad? Obviously not good, but would like you to say if you can.

So does this mean you are staying w/ your hubby? Why do you feel you have caused turmoil?

What are you apologizing for? You have done nothing wrong.

If you are still here talk to
me. Telk me what is goin on.

If you cannot answer then know that I think alot of you honey and you get out of that situation.

One more question. You promoised to never commit suicide. That I am praying is not the reason for your last post.

Talk to me Kasie.

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