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im loosing it i need help
January 7, 2006
9:32 am
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kasie919
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Im going for a walk, wish you could come..

me my son and grave digger!!
see how many mailboxes he can take out!! LOL:)

i wil get back on when i come back..

wish you were here, i need u..

Love kasie

January 7, 2006
3:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

I remember those days. I finally got to where I didn't shed a tear for years. You know his games; and I know that feeling of hate all to well. Ya know, I never hated anyone before or since. But you have to not let it eat at you. Don't lose Kasie. Do what you need to to keep Kasie in tact. I think a job and counseling is great. I truly do.
Hey, i am at my sis' and I can only be on her pc for a short time each so I have to jump off for now. Will be back in an hour. It's 2:26 cst now.

Take care of you Kasiegirl and that precious little boy.

Will check in later.

January 7, 2006
8:48 pm
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Hi Mama:

I find that days like this I miss my mom so very much my heart just aches and aches, i want to reach out to someone, any one who can just hold me, and give me the love i so desire..

My sons friends mom kept him for the afternoon, they all played together and had lunch, it was a bit of a break for me, but then i got way to much time to really think..

I have just gotten back from the mall my little man needed new sneakers, and of course i am to stupid to purchase the correct ones so he had to go..
All the way i heard how i suck at everything, and how i should do this, do that, kiss his ass, all of it..

i dont know if its bordering pure hatred, anger what..I feel inside a sence of pain that actually makes me want to vomit when im around him, im scaired to eat, and i know how wriong that is, because of my diabetis, ive lost 5 lbs in 2 days, although i need to shed a few, this is the wrong way to go about it..

He insisted we go out to dinner, as he has a outing with his friends tonight and has to drink, what the hell is that?"has to drink??"

Whatever as long as he is away from me..

Im here for a bit, its very lonely right now, Little man is getting ready to fall sound asleep from all that fresh air he had today..

You know, I try so very hard to keep it togehter for him when we are all pretending to be a "family".. I fight the tears,

Sigh.........

Im so drained..

Im am so very very sad.....

Thanks for listening,

Kasie

January 7, 2006
9:33 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Awww Kasie:

Yes, I know that sad so very well. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. Just remember that God is watching over you. And you will be out soon. When will you hear form that lady on your divorce? I do hope soon.

Fine something you like to do . Watch a movie and have a cup of tea or something. I will be off soon for a bit but will check back on ou when I get home.

(((((( Kasie )))))))

Remember.... You will get thru this.

January 7, 2006
9:39 pm
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kasie919
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Its his tv and I am not allowed to use it..

I have another appointment monday, if i make it..

I have been reading alot, i even ordered some more books, but it is hard to concentrate, my thoughts all go to this, and the pain..

Ive thought about just going for a ride, but little man is sleeping now, i dont want to wake him..

Im tryin to write some emails but that doesnt even work..

My heart just aches so bad,
I know I have to keep it together, Im trying so very hard..

thanks for caring mamaC;

you are truly a godsend for me right now...

{{{{mamaC:}}}}

Love Kasie

January 7, 2006
9:51 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

One day you'll be able to tell him it's mine go away. I cannot wait for that day.

What about music? http://www.klove.com
you can listen to the most awesome Christuan music right her on the computer. Or it wil give you a list of stations in your area.

Check it out

Oh hey, did you get a chance to "checkhimout"?

January 7, 2006
9:56 pm
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kasie919
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No actually I forgot about the "check him out"

I'll do that now..

i am listening to music on the pc,
I love country..

Kinda silly since most of its crying in you beer kinda stuff LOL:)

But it helps relax little man before bed..

Ive been trying to just get over this, but its very hard..
I swear as i am stiing here, I will never ever go through this again..

ever..

Print this out, document it and if i ever say anything close to wanting a realtionship again, hunt me down and shove it so far down my throat....

OK???

How are you feeling today? how rude of me not to ask..

And how is the wedding dress coming? I am sure you are one hell of a great looking woman so be proud of your daughter, she is beautiful, just like her mama:

Love Kasie

January 7, 2006
11:40 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Chin up girl. Another day toward freedom has passed. You can relax in knowing this is one less day you will have to put up w/ his stuffins.

I listen to Christian and country all day, and night, I always have a radio or some music on. Are you listening to The Bo Reynolds Show? It's played all across the states. I do like his show on Saturday nights.

I'll keep the whole thread and if you ever... then I'll copy and paste it back to ya. I don't think you'll want to do that soon anyway.

Awww the dress. She got a corset and came down last night and I told her if she dared to take a breath she'd pop every seam in the dress. I think we are gonna take the back out and replace it w/ a back that fits. The front looks fine otherwise. Then since she doesn't like the veil we'll make a shawl of it. We can attach it to the shoulders and she can srap it over her arms. It'll lay well also. The dress has the tight sleeve to just above the elbow and then bells out. I wore it in 1978. You probably were not even born yet. I still like the dress and she looks so pretty in it. I think we'll be ok. She was so bummed out. I told her to get used to it coz there are all kinds of little glitches when you have a wedding. I did get her to smile when I took pics of her again.

Me, I think better. Still coughing up a storm and have a bad bad headache and neck and shoulders hurt, but I'll live. I slept int he recliner last night for 2 1/2 hours. Sis said if I'd keep my mouth shut and not talk for 2 days I would shake this. lol. Me w/ my mouth shut. lol. But this to shall pass. (in time) lol. I'll be fine honey and thanks for askin.

I try to be a good mom. Definitely a different mom. I love leaving them notes in their lunchbox or under their pillow and stuff. Just little ones tellin thim how important they are or how much they are loved. Oh, at at the school functions when they are on stage we always make a funny face at them. Yes, mom is nuts. But they smile and are not as nervous.

I'm sure you are quite the mom too and will be even more so after you are away from that jerk. Once that cloud lifts... you'll just have to wait and see. I cannot adequately describe it.

Well, hubby just walked in so I gotta go for the night. Try to have a good night. Don't forget... Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

January 8, 2006
9:02 pm
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kasie919
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HI mama:

HOpe your feeling better today, I did think about you throughout the day..

went to church, sat in the back, for some reason i cry alot in there, hurts to be there and i dont know why.sometimes i wonder if god makes me hurt, is that wrong?

I have alot to think about in the next few days, been working on the plan..

Been crazy tryin to get a job, i hope this week will work.

Took the little man for a ride today, then to Chuckie Cheese for a good play time, he deserved it, my friends sent us a gift cert,for xmas.
It kept me away from the house for a few hours.

Now onto more adult things... I know now im not doing my son any good here, he talks and treats me just like his dad, that hurts, i know now i need to get out before he gets any worse..I did write everything down, been trying to keep a journal..

Oh i tried to get onto the site you were telling me about information from pa, i had a hard time, i wil try again tonight..

thanks for being here, even though you have had a rough go yourself..

Take care,

Love Kasie

January 8, 2006
11:30 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hi Kasie:

Does God make you hurt? NO. If anything God wants you to get close to him and depend on him to take care of things. I think the cryin so much is the Holy Spirit trying to tell you God is there. He wants you to put him in charge of what's goin on. Like the Footprints in the Sand poem. Do you know that one?

Footprints

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

January 9, 2006
2:50 pm
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kasie919
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Mama:

I know that one ny heart,as it was my moms favorite..

I hope God is here cause the pain i feel any more is so intense..

i had to see the doc today,upped the meds, ya know, but she had a good talk and explained all the choices ive got.She has reassured me that the little man is ok and will reamin with me.
We talked about the shelter and where i should go.
Ive been fighting the want to run, to go there, and when i thinkive built up the courage to go, i cave, he starts with the I will take your son and you will never have anything, you will suffer allof it, its like he can read my mind, let alone read my email and chase after me..
Ive been backing away from the computer, ive got a feeling he is at it again, and im in stalling new spywear as we speak, i did find a program "Iambigbrother"so i know hes watching me, its not usable now, i caught it, but i have to keep looling over my shoulder..
well i have to go now, but i anted to let you know im ok, and thank you for the post back it was really nice.

I hope God will keep us safe..

mama:do you beleive in Angels?

Love Kasie

January 10, 2006
9:30 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

I am happy you came to tell me you are ok, but if this is gonna put you in danger then I'll be ok. Don't risk it. Icannot find your original postings. I remember Eric tellin me ways you can protect yourself from him watching you. But cannot remember if I posted it or not. If I did not will be glad to post it.

Yes, I do believe in angels. I believe when you are goin thru trials like yours that God sends an angel to watch over us. I know he has send them to watch over me when I needed him.

January 10, 2006
12:14 pm
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MamaC:

Im in the middle of running a program a friend who is a computer whiz sent me, plus we are installing another spybot to catch the key spotters,

im not worried, i have nothing to hide, if he thinks im screwing someone then so be it, at least he can feel comfrtable knowing he can screw his girl and not have to have guilt...

Sigh.....

The little man and i have just come in from a long walk, it really gives me time to just think, and grab some peace, i came home scrubbed the floors, dishes, and put on some laundry, made little man lunch and came to check in on a few jobs,

I know once i find a job i will be ok, I will use the money to get free, i know its stupid but i have a lot at rish and owe alot of people money, ....

Therapist is keeping good eye on me, she called for a brief moment yesterday to see how i was, not many of them do that you know?
IM tired and drained, but it comes and goes..

I asked about Angels because im hoping i have one above me, sometimes i feel as if God has told me my purpose and i missed it, I am reading the purpose driven life, my pastor gave to me before i left, I will break free from this and then i will see what it is he has planned, i know thats what he is waiting for, so i have to do it for him, if any one as well as my son..

I hope you are feeling better today and the bad cough has subsided, i wish i could do something to ease your pain...

have a wonderful day,

i will check in a while...

Love Kasie

January 11, 2006
9:39 am
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I finally got the pc undercontrol,I installed a good spyware, made sure it has everything i need even a really cool lock, ha..

Anyway, I dint get the job i so badly wanted, turns out that the girl who was leaving changed her mind.

Im still looking,
I alsoe found out that the local police department has classes every wed night for domestic violence victims, I cant go tonight But i do intend on going next week.

I also emailed a shelter her, i had some information..

Im working on this, it has to be slow and i need to think everything out,

Im really glad I can come here and at least have time to let oput my feelings.

Love Kasie

January 11, 2006
10:27 am
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Notsure
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Hello Kasie,
Be strong while you go through this trying time. You do need (as you already know) to get out of this relationship as quickly as possible as this man is a very serious control freak and the red danger flags are flying high. Is there a chance of him becomming physical with you? Please be careful. You have already seen your son picking up some of what he sees his father do and that is only going to get worse if you stay....and if you stay too long your son will not only be that way to you but also to the future women in his life. Good luck with your job hunt. Are you able to get away sooner and stay in a women's shelter of some kind? Does your husband know that you are filing for divorce as that is not clear to me. If he doesn't or if you think that he may react I would suggest letting the police know in advance. Notsure

January 11, 2006
11:55 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

I am glad to see you not giving up. Thought we were gonna have to hollar some sense to you the other day, but I can truly see the devastation your dad caused you. I am sorry for that.

Keep makin those plans. Don't stop. You have a gal to look forward to and to work on now. Will help get your mind off some things.

Sorry about the job. The right one will come along. When my evil x caused me to lose my job.... I ended up working for my divorce lawyer. Now is that not justice. Free legal. And a little bit of intimidation to the evil one. Pray... the right job will come along.

January 11, 2006
1:33 pm
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mama:

I have a long long road ahead, but with people like you behind me, i know i will make and feel like i have a friend behind me..

Thank you, everyone here is so wonderful, im glad i found this place.

I have another interview tomorrow, not as much money as id like but im going to take whatever I can right now, need to pay the bills..

Im on for a bit, hope you are well..

Love Kasie

January 11, 2006
1:55 pm
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I am so sick of hearing how I am such the failure!!

I just got aphone call from him!! he is all pissed because the people where he bought his truck called ,and HE doesnt Have TIME to call them, He says YOU CALL them as you dont do a freaking thing, so i call them, it turns out, he forgot to sign some paperwork when he purchased his new truck, suddenly it has become my fault because he has to do EVERYTHING!!!!! I didnt want any parts of his new truck, and didnt want to sign anything, im glad i didnt.
SO i had to hear 15 minutes of "i think this is bs" and on and on, now im sick to my stomach and want to just run, where the hell to?

I hear from point a all the way down to z, he gets on a rant and just doesnt stop!!!! puts me in tears and then tells me i need to shape up..

IM really tired of all this, I have got to go..

January 11, 2006
2:15 pm
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gettingthere
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kasie ....i wish i could be there to give you a hug but alas i cant,,,,,so i will send you my love instead,,,,,,,,,kasie hold on in there you have many people that care about you here and will get you thru this..........love gettingthere x

January 11, 2006
2:20 pm
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thanks getiinthere,

Its so stupid any more, I know, i truly know how bad I want out, Its actually like a craving for me to be free..

He just doesnt get it, I dont understand, I am the onw who does everything, ok, he has a job, but even when i had a good job, I took care of the housework, the cooking ,the cleaning, the laundry, hell i even take out the trash, plus I take my son to the daycare, and i pick him up, and if we get a call he is sick I go get him, I stay home and take care of him,

what the hell do I need him for? its not money, its not material things, its about fear of consequences ,so i have to have all my ducks in a row, before i go,

Im just tired of crying,tired of feeling like crap, being made to feel im useless.

It really hurts.....sigh

January 11, 2006
2:42 pm
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Notsure
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Hi Kasie,

I had a time when I was really down and out. My ex and I went through a sepapration. We later divorced. My German Shephers was killed the day after I moved out of the house (though she said that she would look after it because she loved him too) when it got hit by a car as she wasn't paying attention to him. She later said that she thought he might have committed suicide (instead of owning up to her responsibility) because he was upset that we were breaking up (her idea). I then lost my job as a subordinate who detested me but was politically connected became my boss and as they say "revenge is mine". So, no wife, no dog and no job in a very short time frame and you know that I am at the lowest of the low.

One day I looked in the mirror and said "Yes you are no good, yes you have no hope, and yes you are a failure". You simply cannot go any lower than you are.

So noww let's get that L that is on your forehead (and I made the L) and turn it into a W for winner (and I used my two thumbs to do that.

Whenever I felt like shit and it took some time let me tell you I would look in the mirror put the L up and do the W and smile as I knew that no matter how bad it was it was only a matter of time. I stabilized, I then strenghtened and I grew.

As that continued, little including my N Mom's death (6 month's later) or the actual divorce which transferred serious money to my ex (plus 2 years alimony even though she could work and we had no kids) knocked me down as low as I had been.

Sure there were setbacks but no more lower than lows or that big L on my forehead. And I am indeed better off than I was and she would have been much better off had she stayed and worked it out or gone through counselling like I offered. No matter though, we make our own beds and sometimes have to get new ones no matter how difficult it is or how scared we are of doing so.

If I can do it, so can you.

So get your ducks in a row and leave his ass as he isn't worthy of you.

Hugs. Notsure

January 11, 2006
2:51 pm
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notsure:

thank you,

Im sorry you have delt with all that all at once,

its just very difficult for me because of my son, and the threats from before, im trying, and i am getting stronger, it just seems every time i think im gettin it, BAM
I get blindsided.

He doesnt even see it, and i dont know why i try to figure it out..

I know the day i leave accusations will fly like [email protected]@ but i dont care, im a good person, i can take care of me and my son, ive done it this long,

I was trying to be the one to play nice..
It just doesnt work..

Im so tired..
my heart just aches..

Thanks for the nice words..

Love Kasie

January 11, 2006
3:10 pm
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Hey Kasie:

Hon, I think your ducks are pretty much all in a row. I had to laugh when I saw that phrase coz I have had 2 counselors tell me that same phrase, so when I'm told I don't know or I'm not living in reality, I just say well at least my ducks are pretty much all in a row. (maybe just not facing the same direction?) lol.

Not making light of the situation. I remember those days of "you never", "your fault", "why can't you"... I got to the point where I just shut down. There is a thread that was just started about this subject. Go check it out. I'm sorry I do not recall the name, but close to the top coz I just answered. Something like.... feel like this? I think. My ducks are having a nap about now. 🙂

I do think when he does this, and I know the pain of sitting there for the 15-20 min while he rants, but just drop your feelings and when he's finished have a good cry or come up w/ a term that only you know that means "I don't give a sh**". My phrase is "how bout that". My 98 (99 on the 25th) yr old gramma says "how bout that" all the time and one day we realized what she was saying. lol. So, I use her phrase. You get a little smile and a twinge of "screw you" and he has no clue what you just said. I think I'd be saying to myself for now tho.

I'm so slow today. Still coughin alot but better. Go to the doc tomorrow. I can hear him fussin at me already.

You get that chin up and you be the best you can be for you and your son. To hell w/ what he thinks and rants about. Just look at it as a long commercial in the middle of a beautiful movie about you and your son. (silly huh).

January 11, 2006
4:17 pm
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Hello Kasie,
I hope that your day is going well. Let me ask you a question.

If you died right now, who would take care of your son the way that you would?

The reason for that question is because STRESS will kill you. I am speaking from going through somewhat of what you are going through. Losing weight and not eating and everytime this man touch you or even speak or look at you, you want to vomit. That is not a good sign. If you are staying because of your son then that is wrong also.

Please read JOHN:14 all of it everyday and let god guide you where you are suppose to go. Before my grandmother died and I had problems she would say just read John 14 and pray and pray I did and let me tell you god answer my pray. Enjoy your life and your son life because you only have one life to live. Just think is you were dead, your husband would be still doing the same things in life to someone else.

January 11, 2006
4:56 pm
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nappy:

you know, when i was at church on sunday, i thought i could go and talk to the pastor, but the fear of ridicule and being here in a new state,not knowing anyone scaired me more..

I know maybe that could help me, and now that i can think a little better i wil try to go back tomorrow and se.

thank you,

Kasie

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