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im loosing it i need help
January 3, 2006
7:37 am
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kasie919
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Good Morning:

I have just read the last few posts, and I have to thank all that wrote..
And everything you said makes sense..

My therapist thinks im to emotional right now, on the verge of a break down, the day i really lost it we talked on the phone for a good hour and half,thank god i dont pay for that!! i actually felt more calmer after he explained my thoughts..

He doesnt worry about susicide, he worries more about break down, he thought being here had me carry extra weight and burden,
I spoke with him yesterday and explained this site free's me at times because i can say what i want and feel, and Lord knows i try very hard not to get hurt..

Im learning alot about myself and how to overcome some of my struggles.
We may bump my visits to two days a week, until i get more steady, and im ready to move out of my house..

Ive contacted a shelter here, although they are very full they will do what they can to get me into housing if needed..

Im a little relived to hear that..

I was reading last night about narcissim and my husband, i compare alot of that to him, ive been reading several books on getting free..
as well as th co-dependency ones..
they are my bibles right now..
One of my frineds sent me the purpose driven life, which im trying to take inas well..

I find now i have to go day by day, cant look into the future, baby steps are all i can take..
Im scaired and dont want to breakdown on my son..
he needs me..

I feel as if im an eggshell slowly cracking, so its time for me..

I will find a way for my time away..
My hb just needs to get a grip and except responsibilty to his son..

Thank you every one for you concern and advice..
I greatly appreciate it!!

Love Kasie

January 3, 2006
7:54 am
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gettingthere
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kasie how are you today if you want to talk dont forget im here i feel for you,.........gettingthere

January 3, 2006
8:03 am
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kasie919
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Good Morning gettin-there,

its been rough these last few days, but i havent felt more in control..

I am able to open my mouth and say what i feel..
although sometimes i still duck!! LOL:)

Im trying to remain in tact for my son, dont want to melt down again that was way scary!!

Im learning thru reading and it does help, as well as this site.

i go back to the therapist friday, i have a lot to learn..

Thanks for being here...
Kasie

January 3, 2006
8:04 am
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kasie919
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Good Morning gettin-there,

its been rough these last few days, but i havent felt more in control..

I am able to open my mouth and say what i feel..
although sometimes i still duck!! LOL:)

Im trying to remain in tact for my son, dont want to melt down again that was way scary!!

Im learning thru reading and it does help, as well as this site.

i go back to the therapist friday, i have a lot to learn..

Thanks for being here...
Kasie

January 3, 2006
8:04 am
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kasie919
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ooops sorry about that ...
pc blurp

January 3, 2006
8:09 am
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Sophie3012
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I know how you feel becuase I'm not at my best either, so I called the doctors the other day for the first time and it was so hard to tell him I'm not coping, I need help so you have to hang on untill they are open or call someone. I know this is late but I have not been able to get on here lately!

January 3, 2006
8:16 am
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gettingthere
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hi kasie yer reading does help so much thats all I ever seem to do even now ,when i was in my past abusive marriage i didnt even know about codependency it was only a year ago that it came to me quite by chance really,i was doing a bit of soul searching and there it was staring me right in front of my eyes,
kasie i have read some fantastic books the most recent was home coming by john bradshaw feelinglost recommended it to me well it has really helped ,if you can get hold of his stuff kasie go for it,
And remember if anyone is putting you down its their past baggage which they are off loading on to you there is nothing wrong with you ok they would have you beileve it if they had there way ,,,,,,,,,,,,, thinking of you gettingthere

January 3, 2006
8:30 am
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Hi Kasie:

I'm so glad to see you but so sorry for the circumstances. You have had some major blows in the last few weeks. Take a step back and breath. The self help books are good, but you can overload on those also. I suggest only 2 at a time.

I am sorry for the blows you took, but you stand tall. You still have a good head on your shoulders. Still making a planned way out.

January 3, 2006
2:43 pm
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kasie919
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Mamma C;

Ive been going thru some thread, im sorry i had no idea what hell you were going thru,im sorry i had taken your time to listen to me when i could have been listening to you a little better, and from now on i will, i promise..

I hope you are feeling better these days, i dont know to much about your illnesses, and am concerned for you, please do what ever the doctor says and stay somewhat healthy,

I love you!!!

Im going to a job interview tomorrow, i cant wait, and i pray i get it, ive just got home ffrom buying a new outfit and a pair of shoes, that is the first time i actually bought something for myself in years, and it felt good...

Now if i could only get some me time..

In due time im sure...

I have my plans, ill be ok, ive strted to grow stronger, just bye knowing im in therapy and learning about my self,

I made a big step today, I actually had a long 90 minute conversation with my daughters father, he was really abusive towards me, but i had to tell him how he hurt me,and how i felt, in the end i felt a sense of relief, that i told him how i hated him but now i forgive myself for allowing him to hurt me..
It was a good conversation, and awakening, i beleive this is all in the process right??

if you cannot forgive you cannot succeed right???

Thank you mamamc; for all you do for me..

Kasie

January 3, 2006
3:12 pm
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KatDec2005
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Hi Kasie

Good luck with the job interview. You hang in there, you have come so far in just a few days.

You are in my prayers 🙂

January 4, 2006
1:02 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

First.. good luck w/ the job interview. I do hope you get it. Getting away from the craziness will definitely be a help.

Second.. don't even go there silly girl. I am here to listen and hopefully try to help folks. That is what God gives me to do. You are doin just fine so don't think about it again. The best thing you can do for me is to let me know eventually that you did get away from your situation.

if you cannot forgive you cannot succeed right??? Absolutely right. Forgiveness is a big step in anyone's healing. For anyone having problems w/ it pick up the book "When Forgiveness Doesn't Mzke Sense" by Robert Jeffries. Wonderful book.

Let us know how the interview goes.

January 4, 2006
1:09 am
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chloeysmomma
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i swear every time my hubby gets stressed i start to freak out more what do i do about that

January 5, 2006
8:31 am
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kasie919
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Good Morning :

Job interview went ok yesterday, i hope i get it, they still have a few more to interview...

It felt good to dress in normal clothes and go out..
the weather was so beautiful, afterwards i took my son for a ride, and just walked around some stores..
went to story time a the book store and let him pick out some books..

it was very refreshing, somtimes i think i have sunk into reclusion, and i hate that thought, i so need to get out..

Im paying for this beautiful weather today, as i now hve a nice stuffed head from allergies...YUK>>

I got the guitl trip last night from the hb.. "so what have you done for me latley" lecture.. his meaning of needing sex.. i ignored him..

I was reading in one of my books that i have the right to say no, and i need to excercise that right.. but then i think of the reprecussions.. he finally did the "i guess ill have to go else where and get it"" jerk of the year statement..

I just looked at him and wanted to puke!!
My fear is that i am truly starting to hate him.. ive felt that before with my last ex. its not good..
I cant wait to go to therapy tomorrow, and talk about this past week and all that has happened..

I need out, and i am struggling to get there.But if i cant get out now, i am learning that i can do this and be a good person and stnad up for myself..
and that i can say the strength come from people on here, so thats what i am going to tell the therapist, it helps here, i get courage and i need it..
when i was 18 i would have stood toe to toe to a person 10 times my size, now i just cower down, i dont like me..

kasie

January 6, 2006
1:40 am
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kasie919
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Im having a difficult time right now,

Cant sleep, eating has been difficult, want to just bring it all back up..

I have been lonely for so long i think im desperate.

I belonged to this penpal site, had a few people writing and sending really nice things, good friendships started to develop, but when i had filed for divorce last year the stbx had gone into all my stuff and found a few people i was in contact with as i explained in my other posts..

last night, i had recieved and email from one of the people my husband had so cold heartledly distroyed there marriage insisting an affair was going on even though he lived thousands of miles away..
What disturbed me was that, my pp, told me my husband was still in contact with this guys wife,asking her questions about her husband and i, what pisses me off is not only is there a definate line crossed here, and i already know my privacy in jeopardy, but i never had anything more than a frinedship, all we did was exchange a few emails a month, talking about daily things and maybe once in a while concern for each other.. I told my pp how sorry i was and had no idea that this was still going on since i wasnt allowed contact with him any more,

I feel so alineated, i have secretly found new friends,as i have on this site, ive gotten a program on my pc to lock him out of my things, he cant get in and if he tries i know about it, but i really dont care about that, ive nothing to hide, i will show him anything he wants..

the point is, why is it i am not allowed to have a life? if i have girlfriends, he wants to have sex with them, if i have boyfriends im screwing them, i cant win,
i know i cant wait to get the hell out of here, and often ive thought of having an affair just to give his accusations some justification, im sick over all this, im a prisinoer here, i cant get away from him fast enough..

what is good for him is only good for him..
Im desperate for a friend, he has taken me so far away from my old life i cant rely on them,
I know once i get a good job i will begin to meet people, but i will be cautious because he will begin another stupid cycle..

I pray to god everynight to help me free of this, and im hoping soon i get out, i jsut dont know how far i can go..

sorry to have gone on and on i just needed to get this out..

Kasie

January 6, 2006
2:30 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Hang in there girl. Your day is comin. What a dog he is. Chin up tho. You have friends here. We may not be able to physically have a cup of coffee in the afternoon, but we can have a cybercup. I must say tho that the coffee always tastes good here.

I'm gonna get to bed unless you are still up and would like to talk.

January 6, 2006
7:44 am
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kasie919
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Good morning mama:

hope you slept well, i have a hard time sleeping anymore, im going to talk to the doctor today, im having another session...

I feel so empty, so vulnerable, this morning I am sick as a do, face in the toilet, he comes in and says, "are you gonna make my luunch? im gonna be late for work" i hurled even harder, but i sure got my ass up and made his lunch..

Im such an idiot.. i need to find out why I allow men to abuse me like this, what am i doing wrong??
If im at a store or out shoping and somone trys to converse with me, i cant even look at them, i feel as if they are spys for my husband.. now how ridiculous is that..
I feel like if i talk to some one he is going to know and start fighting and accusing me of things.

What im not understanding is if he so desperatley needs this open marriage thing and sex is his issue why must he keep guard on me??

Ive thought twice last night of emailing my pp back last night and telling him everything but then i would just be involiving him and his wife may read it all wrong, im not here to hurt anyone, and i really never had any intentions on it..

Im so desperate for my own peace, i never realized how bad until i sat up all night trying to calm my stomach, he came in the room several times asking what the hell i was doing on the pc.. I explainded i couldnt sleep ut that wasnt good enough, he sttod over my should and watch what i was doing, i logged off and layed on the sofa..

this is not a normal life and the hatred is deeply setting, i dont want to hate him, he is my sons father, but what more can i do?

why did i let this happen? what did i do wrong?

Im sorry i rambled again..

kasie

January 6, 2006
8:07 am
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taj64
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Im sorry kasie for all your pain. This man abuses you and the mental abuse he is doing you is so sad for you. You do not deserve this hellish life. Can you start making plans to escape in small ways? It will be a long process of course, but if you get away from him, your life will change for the better for both you and the kids. You must have some ideas of what you want. A little goes a long way. In the meantime you have plenty of people here that can guide you. I say a prayer for you today.

January 6, 2006
8:16 am
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kasie919
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taj64:

yes ive started making plans, i need to get a job, and i have some places to go here if it gets worse, i have been through this over and over, 3 times, i just dont know why i pick men like this, and what the heck im doing wrong..

im going to therapy today, and i am glad im feeling an immense amount of pain..

Thank you for your concern as it does help to be here and at least write down things..

Love kaise

January 6, 2006
12:11 pm
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koceski
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hello this is my first time in this site.i like to improve my personality.i believe i am lock of confidence.i have been triying to solve this negative side of me for years on my own.but i couldn t achieve it yet.when i start talking amoung people i get shy.more or less i know the reasons to feel me that way.first of all i give value to other peoples thouts about me more than necessary.i always scare of makind mistakes.i just like to discuss about my situation.

January 6, 2006
4:29 pm
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kasie919
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mamaC;

How are you?
How are you feeling, i know you will be checking in on me, so let me tell you how therapy went today..

so far they are going to chnage my meds.. have to go back monday cause ive had some bad reactions mixed with my insulin so the docotrs need to confer and see what is best..

I probably have ADHD..
(my daughter has it, i wasnt sure id it was me or her dad)

They are most concerned about the battered women syndrom and how long ive allowed the cycle to go..

I will be joing a few classes and the long term, evaluation is to have me on my own..
They do not want me to rush out the door unless he hits me again..

hint building a case to keep my son out of danger..
I had to take him with me and the docs saw how he has an anger management problem,,so sad..hes' only 4..

Im so pissed at my husband right now i could spit, but i really have to puke..

I had a long talk with a womens rights advocate, she is contacting my attorney personally to get the gist of how far the divorce has gone, if the papers are in court and all that is needed is an answer im free and clear within 6 months, so i am praying that this is the case. other wise we battle it out, but she was confident that my case would prefail in more freedom than i expect,..
hence full custody with my son if i wanted..

we will see..

i made a wise choice invloving proffessionals, now i know i will be ok.. just hope i can afford to keep going..

Thanks for listening..

all my love kasie

January 6, 2006
4:40 pm
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Anonymous
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Kasie,
I am happy to hear you have a women's right's advocate on your side.

They deal with battered women daily, so they are strong enough to know what to do and how best to help you.

I am sorry this is such a troubling experience for you - but will pray that the end arrives soon and you will be on your way to peace and happiness....cuz you deserve nothing less.

January 6, 2006
4:52 pm
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kasie919
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thanks ;;;

{{{{Alicat}}}

they say its gonaa take time, ive been this way a long long time, and i have to learn everything basically from scratch,

but i will come out a fighter, im not gonna quit this time!!!

I promise!!!!!!

Love kasie

January 6, 2006
5:33 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Yes, I can see where getting the professionals involved was a definite plus. If he were to go to them tho, would they tell him what the plan is? They are supposed to not because of confidentiality. Just be sure you don't put his or anyone's name down to discuss your case with.

I 110% agree w/ full custody. Full custody does not mean he can have every right and privilege as a joint custodian if you choose for him to. Full custody is there to protect the kids from having to go stay w/ a parent that is abusive or of questionable character. I had full custody and still informced the x of school functions, sent him grade cards, extra activities. In my case it was a blessing and insured the asheriff's dept. went w/ me to collect my kids each time he had them.

You be careful Kasiegirl. If he even rears back to hit you then you call the police, make a report and leave. I do hope your divorce comes quickly. A word of caution tho... In my case the danger got even worse after the divorce for me.

Feel like doin a little homework? When on the site in PA I found from a woman's advocacy group a file that teaches you what to do and how to do it to find any dirt on him. It's like a background check. It will copy to your adobe reader and is 58 pages long. checkhimout. Ive not had time to go thru it, so cannot comment on it yet.

Well, me, lol. My older daughter wants me in the hospital. Thank God she's not my guardian. Im on a new antibiotic and added tussen dm as of yesterday. Still have to use the advair and albuteral inhaler and the nebulizer. Oh, and lots of xtra strength excedrin. Day 12 now. My head and ribs hurt so bad from coughing. Yesterday I came to a sad realization. I used to have hurtin ribs all the time like this, but no more. Not for so very long and never again. Then thought of how soon you'll be sayig the same things.

Please do not do anything to provoke him. He'll notice the changes soon enough. And let us know when you find out about the job. I so hope you get it.

Oh, I don't know if you read that my oldeast daughter decided to get married and move to Denver. Not makin mama happy here. My son moved to Louisiana the day after Christmas. But anyway, she came down for dinner last night ans she asked if I would mind if she wore my wedding dress. How cool is that. So we got it out of the box and (hehe) its to small for her by about 4 inches in the bodice. (just means she has more upstairs than I did when I was 19, she's 23.) So, we are gonna try a corset first and then alter the dress. Cool thing is she had printed off some of my old wedding pics of the dress and when she showed the ladies at work they thought it was her modeling the dress instead of me wearing it. Wow. Knew we looked alike but not that closely. My daughter is so very pretty. So, guess I was a babe once too. lol. 😮

You have a good night and spend some good time w/ your little one. He'll not be little long.

January 6, 2006
8:05 pm
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kasie919
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wow Mama you sure have your hands full, I dont know how you do it..

of course as soon as he got home the questions rolled way out, who what where when why and how...

My misery already started with my friend, i wrote about on another post, ive already cut him out, told him i could no longer be his friend..

I have a long road ahead of me, and its gonna be a fight, i hope i can pull through this and be a better person..

But im scaired.. i never want to feel like this ever again...

Thank s mama:

and you right they grow oh so fast!!!

Love and prayers to you...

kasie

January 7, 2006
8:28 am
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Ok another suck day..

After having to hear all the questions last night, and all the "whats wrong with you and did you tell them"" bs, i feel like total crap, i feel as if im the looser, he has purposly put me in this mood, and it worked, so im here for help..

He says its all me, im the one who is sick and needs help and i made myself this way.. Blah Blah Blah, I finally stopped hearing him..
I got online after my son went to bed in hopes of a littl reprieve, NOT!! he came in and pulled the plug, Jerk!! he said i have to deal with this in a mature manor and that i have to be he abiding wife, {he needed a drink and a snack} I wanted to puke..
So i did my duty, retreated to my bedroom and read my coda book, after about a half hour i must have fallen asleep, i awoke to him bitchen about the pc, which he unplugged and couldnt get to come up, {the circuit broke but i didnt tell him, obviously i fixed it this morning} but that sson became my fault and i destroyed it, he stormed off to bed like a baby.. i slept on the sofa, only to be drug off it about 3 am with him screaming about how im falling into the same patterns...yeh its called "starting to really hate him"" im not scaired of him hitting me, im sick, i want to vomit constantly.
He took my truck today because it has bee running poorly for a while and i have been telling him about it, but last night it was in his way when he needed to get ciggs{i refused to get off my "lazy ass" to go get.. }so he realized it was in need of repair, of course when he came back "i never told him it was like that" so i got yelled at for about an hour for that..

Today i cry, and again i cant stop, I feel so alone, so sad, so hurt..
I look at this man I don not love, and feel pure hatred coming through, what can i do??

I have another session monday, im glad, but now i think i have to go now, i want to see the social worker and talk to her, i will wait a bit and see if shes in today..

Im here to find self of mind, i cant get over this, i just dont know what it is i have done wrong, i feel so much like a failure, god why and what did i do..
Please help, i cant stop crying.

Love kasie

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