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im living with something i cat control...
August 7, 2009
11:57 pm
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nomore804
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September 30, 2010
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Usually the worst things in life are the things u want.

I found myself torn between anger , lust, confusion, betrayal and so, so many more this in my life. I’m confused of what I have made myself. I keep messing up at everything I do. Trying to find yourself isn’t easy and you have to take it step by step.

I’m 23 years old a single parent and living with something that tears me part from what seems like the rest of the world. Iv fallen in love way to many times before I can’t even keep up anymore. I would just give myself and my sole to anyone who would take it. I was wrong for that especial with my child not in mind. I have to learn how to prioritize myself better. This is my story, hope someone can relate.

I was 20 when I got pregnant and thought at the time it was what I wanted. Id never let her go now but it put me in the worst situation ever. Her father had just gotten out of prison a few months before I meet him and wasn’t very reliable. Me being pregnant and all I thought he would change but boy was I wrong. He did not change, instead he completely turned on me and left me to fend for myself and his daughter on our own. In the mean time I went through some depression which nearly made me want to committee suicide. I of course would never leave my child but the though crossed my mind more than once or twice.

Once her father was back in prison for drug charges I meet a man. He was in the navy and we had a some what good relationship. Until he told me he was moving to California and he wanted us to go. That broke us because I didn’t want to leave the rest of my family to go that far away. I soon started cheating on him not with one man but with two. It was bad, I was hungry for something but didn’t know what at the time.

Months went by and I seriously went on the wrong path parting and drinking and meeting as many guys as possible. But I was good though I didn’t sleep with anyone. Then I meet someone else, he was in the army and we hit it off really good. Then soon he told me he was going to ranger school and that tore us apart I found myself alone again lost in a world I didn’t want to live in.

Then once again I meet someone. The worst person I needed in my life. He was the complete opposite of what I needed at the time. He was young, arrogant, stupid, immature, unrealistic, and just not what I needed. I totally feel for it and I was hooked. Hearing the things he had to tell me made me so happy though. Just in three weeks he had told me he hadn’t been happy like this in a long time. That being around my daughter made him want to be a dad and that he was falling in love with me. Crazy right, yeah I feel for it. On a Saturday morning he came over and it was the last time we had sex. Since the Thursday before he had told me he didn’t want it anymore that he wanted to have fun and was moving on. I had a hard time understanding everything of course. While he was pushing me away and I was clinging on I felt embarrassed, ashamed and confused. I brought him around my family my daughter and in my life. One day we even spent a whole day at the zoo yeah so lovely right. So as the end was nearing I became desperate to get back the happiness I had just had a week before. I would text him constantly and uncontrollably to the point where I was embarrassed but couldn’t help it.

And here I am, I just got off the phone with him. He told me that this girl was his new girl friend and that he wanted nothing more to do with me. I also had it out with the girl, especially after she said something about my daughter, I wouldn’t still mind pounding her face in the ground if I saw her though, She shouldn’t have gotten in the middle of it. It also all made me think about it all. Am I going crazy , why am I acting this way? Over a boy who will never treat me right.

I know one day I will find the perfect man, I have my list ready and from now on I’m never giving my heart to another till I find him. I love myself and my daughter to much to be messing up and putting us though so much pain. I’ll end my short story by saying it isn’t what you come out to be but who u make yourself to be. I put myself in pain so I had pain.

August 8, 2009
12:12 am
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fantas
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September 29, 2010
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Nomore804, It's great that you see how you are living your life and how it is working against you. How is your family with all this? Have you any idea what sent you spiraling? What is your support system like? You need back up for when you feel lonely again. Keep posting.

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