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I'm leaving soon
April 26, 2004
3:14 pm
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vegas
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He called me on friday. Funny...cuz for quite a while I've been running to check my cell for missed calls. The morning I finally get one...I hoped it was my agent, not him. Anyway, he called while I was seeing this counselor at the DV place here. His message was, in a whisper: "Wake up...I'll call you later."

no, he didn't call again. Well, of course he hasn't. And moreover, I haven't been constantly checking up my phone. highfive. That's a big deal to me since only a few weeks before my heart was aching again over this dude.

And actually, with only two weeks left until I move, I'm beginning to ache again. Mainly cuz--well, this was always the plan for me and him. I would go to school and then that was when we get married. Now, I'm going forth with the same plans, only minus him obviously. And it's tough since the whole while it was me and him in head. That was how I envisioned it. But reality is that...well, life goes on with or without him.

I wonder if he'll miss me. I wonder if he misses me now. I admit that I want him to miss me...that he tears up remembering. Cuz that's how it is for me.

When I pray, and I want to pray for him--I hesitate at first. But then I go ahead and explain to God. Other times I don't bother explaining as I know He already knows. I just genuinely want romeo to be blessed. The hopes I had for us, I still have for him, even though I hope it for him and wifey. Seriously. I hope for the house, the yard, the children...all that. And I trust God will do what's best and what has been planned for romeo...I just feel better praying for it, though it's again and again I pray.

I still pray for understanding...esp. on the three years. (I know there are some of you that will advise me to pray for acceptance. TRust me, I know the Serenity prayer. I just don't get it...it being why go thru all that. What's lesson was there?) THree yrs, that's a long time, ya know. And I realize it might have been longer, as it is for others. But...I don't know. We suffered so much. I suffered so much...and gave so much...and hoped so much. sigh.

Is it possible to be MOVING forward but occasionally LOOKING back?

April 26, 2004
3:17 pm
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vegas
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Yes, I did write that my lesson was probably: to learn to trust God more...allow Him to make the decisions of my life.

But, how will I know when it's God opening/closing doors for me...or if it's the enemy?

sigh. I'm leaving soon. crossing the jordan...into philly.

April 26, 2004
3:27 pm
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Anonymous
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You are born with a gut instinct that society later teaches us to ignore. I hope you will find comfort in two things: You can trust your gut instincts. Even if it feels like a "mistake" later on, you can still choose to learn, grow, and become a stronger person. The other thing is that there's really no such thing as a "mistake". It's what you do with it that counts.

The fact that you can pray for your ex says a lot about the kind of person you are. I hope you are able to recognize all the goodness within you!

Ren'ai

April 26, 2004
3:29 pm
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CAMER
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usually when one door in life closes another eventually opens...what you said is true, your life will go on,
and its good to "feel the feelings"
of the breakup and hopefully learn from it, and understand that it is
part of life and loving people...You
have God in your life which is great,
HE works in remarkable ways,keep
praying, especially for yourself too and good things will come.

April 26, 2004
8:24 pm
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Zinnie
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Vegas,

There is nothing wrong with looking back, as long as you are looking back while you are moving foward.

However, until you finally cut ties with him, you will never really have fully moved on.

You know on another thread that we were talking on before I got sick, I asked you how you would like it if the wife found out about you sleeping with him, and chased you down with a hammer, like you did Romeo. You replied "you would stay and kick her butt."

Now, sure that sounds all fine well and good... BUT, you have to make a decision at this point. Think about how your life has been since all of this happened. You are a Christian woman, yet you are sleeping with a married man. This is adultry, and God knows what is in your heart, and you know it too. He still has you trapped in an emotional game with you, to where you have never even given yourself the chance to move on. But, bottom line, the hammer story is what got me.

So, I have to ask. Do you want your life to be a Jerry Springer episode? Or do you really want to move on?

Love,

Z.

April 27, 2004
4:38 am
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vegas
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Zin, I know...I know. He's married. And at the time when he and I slept together (i don't really want to use the word "sleeping" as it makes it sound as if we were fucking all the time. Not true...Since the start of the year, three times.) And he and I haven't slept with each other in over a month. No, I don't deserve nor expect any pats on the back cuz we haven't slept together in 6 weeks.

His call on Friday...that was the first time in what? over a week? I think so. Cuz the last time we talked was that time he called to tell me about his $420K deal and all that bs about he wanting me to ask him for $ for school. ($ for school, btw is still very stressing. I just don't know how everything is going to get paid off--tuition, housing, car, everything).

Anyway, "move on" was what you wrote. I am moving on. Moving clear across to the other side of the continent, for crying out loud. romeo is not and would not ever stop me from going to school. sigh. It's just a little hard right now...I mean, I accept it.
He is married to another woman.
He probably never really loved me.
He only thought of himself...thinks of himself.
He never cared nor considered how I would feel then, now, ever.
He probably never really wanted to help me...or get married to me.

I realize that some or, perhaps more than likely, all of these are true. I also accept that romeo isn't the one for me. I wasn't the one for him. But my gosh, all the sh!t that I went through and even still...it's not fair!

I don't even think of how he's rich now. I'm actually happy for him about that. I don't approve of how/why he's rich as I know he didn't love wifey when they first got hitched. I think of all the unsettled/shaken feelings I have. Where is my peace? Why does that small stain on my soul still cause such an ache in my heart?

Of course, I will not ever say that I know what God is thinking...but, if God's lesson truly was for me to learn to trust Him more and allow Him to make the decisions in my life...I got it. I absolutely got it! No one would ever want to go thru this pain again. I thought I was dying. I wanted to die. I hated waking up and having to face life. Fortunately, I overcame that severe depression and was able to fly out and have my interviews and get me an acceptance into school. And, like I said, I will go forth and go to school and finish and start my career. romeo won't stop me from that nor my emotions of sadness.

It's just...my fears. There's no one to share them with. IT used to be him. I felt safer and stronger knowing he was there with me.
my happiness...goodness, I was on top of the world when I found out about my acceptance. I wanted to share the news with him. I stopped myself dead in my tracks, of course, for obvious reasons.
my life...I so wanted to share it, live it with him. Crazy, I know, esp. with all the shit we were going thru (hence why I'm happy he's got money now). And, in my mind, I know that if I considered being with Roe as being happy...imagine how happy I would be with the man God anoints as mine. I can't. The happiness is even beyond inconceivable.

sigh. one big sigh.
I feel better now. I guess I just needed to vent out some more.

Thankx, whomever completes reading my rants, for just letting me share.

April 27, 2004
4:44 am
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vegas
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Ren'ai,
question: What exactly are you referring to (in my situation) when you wrote about gut instinct.

I didn't quite follow.

CAMER,
Yes, God is definitely good. Even in all my "hardheaded-ness," He is still faithful, answering my prayers...even in comical ways, leaving me to feel the butt of His supernatural jokes. But, it's amazing His love.

OH! and Zin, I haven't called him. The last time I called him was that one time however long ago...that one Sunday that set things going again for me...stoopid me. I know, I know. I sooooo know! I wish I didn't love him as much as I did.

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