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I'm just a kid, life is so hard
September 28, 2006
9:35 pm
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Paws4peace
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Umm...I am pretty sure I am the youngest on this site,I am only in Jr. High. I am struggling with so many losses at the same time and have not really felt good for a long time.

I lost my two favorite teachers. They were my Go-to teachers, the friends I went to when I wanted to feel a little better about myself and be in a positive understanding atmoshere. THey always understood and we trusted eachother to be honest with each other with everything.

One was a band teacher(I am a "band geek", Band is one of the only places where I can come out of my shell, I play oboe, and any Saxiphone), we knew eachother on a personal level(I went to her house several times, I trained her dog) last year she let me know that she was moving and I was so depressed and a few days she let me into her office and we just cried together. I keep calling her and E-mailing her to see how she is doing and just to talk, but she never responds. Is everything ok? It is always on my mind, does she still care? does she know that I care about her? This year I couldn't help but dislike the new band teacher, I froze before walking in the room the first day, paniced and ran. One girl ran after me, helped me settle down and slowly walked me into the room. I refused to look at the new guy. he tried to talk to me about the service animal I had with me. I looked the other way and answered with one word. After a lot of thinging, I realized that the way I thought of the new guy was only making it worse. So one day I stayed after class to let him know where I was comming from, and the way I felt. This was so hard for me to do, I was shaking, and my head hurt really bad, but it had to be done, it was the right thing to do. But I still can't get my friend and teacher out of my mind. It hurts to think about it but I feel like I have no control.

My other teacher moved to China, not really easy to talk to her anymore. I have been trying to get a hold of her too, but...nothing. She taught Art, something I excell in. I met the new teacher "taking her place" when she introduced me to him near the end of last year. so I am ok with the new guy. I won't have art until next Semester, so it hasn't really sunk in yet that she is gone.

I train Service animals for the blind, wheelchair-bound, and kids who struggle with reading. I just finished training my Yellow Lab. to be a Guide dog. I have had to let go of many dogs. but Gars was different. she was MY ideal friend, she was absolutley perfect in my eyes and I would never want to change a thing about her. She was my only true friend that was ALWAYS there and never too busy to actively care. She helped me try harder at everything, she made me want to be better without letting me know that she wanted anything about me to change. In fact,she let me know every second that I was the best and so amazing. she went with me everywhere, to school, church, and the store. She was literally part of me. Isn't most of who you are, your thoughts and habbits? Well, half of my thoughts and actions were centered on her, she was entirely my responsibility, and now she is gone, so is a large part of me. I don't feel like a person, just a human. I haven't slept for more than maybe 5 hours the last two weeks since she has left, I have no appitite. when I do sleep, it is after crying, shaking, and headspinnig. I sleep on the floor on her dog bed. I take a little stuffed animal that looks like her, with me everywhere. Without it, I panic every few miniutes because when Gar is not by me, it used to mean that she ran off somewhere and I would have to go find her. the stuffed Gars just gives me something soft to look after. I think the dogs that I train are more like therapy for me. If it weren't for my dogs I probably wouldn't have any friends my age, The friends I do have are thanks to some confidence building from my dogs.

And now that I have written a novel, I have to start on some homework.
That felt good,
Paws

September 28, 2006
10:44 pm
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startingover
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Wow, you are a cool kid. I would be so proud if you were mine, and I bet your parents are. You didn't mention them - are they in your life?

You have a lot of talents. You like animals, that means you're a kind person. Of course, I could tell that right away.

My daughter was a "band geek", too. She played the trumpet in HS. She got to take a lot of trips I could not have afforded otherwise. They went to the Bahamas on a cruise, and to Disney World. Band "geeks" get good scholarships to college, too - did you know that?

I'm not sure what to tell you about the friends you have lost. It's always been hard for me, too. Nowadays, it seems it would be easier to correspond by e-mail, even if someone moves far away, like your teacher who went to China. The only thing I can think to say is that a lot of people move into and out of your life, it's not ideal, and there are losses all along. Sounds corny to say, cherish what you have when you have it, there will be special friends who you will always have, abd they may not be the ones you think they will be. I mean true friends, not mere acquaintances, I guess in a lifetime one would be lucky to have even one or two.

Hang in there. Life is hard, you are right on target there. Hard as it is, it is precious, there are moments here and there so wonderful they make the bad ones less bad.

Do well in school, chin up, be kind to others, and hopefully life will get easier. People may tell you "these are the best years of your life"...well, they're not, they are difficult ones, and life does get easier. Different sets of problems, but not the pressure to conform.

I am 46, probably older than your mother. You are a well-written, kind person. I hope things get easier.

SO

September 28, 2006
10:58 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Paws, I think you were very brave to talk with the new teacher and let him know where you were coming from. Communication does help us, especially just being honest. You sound like a very intelligent and talented young person and you are already contributing to the world in a very special way. I'm wondering if the previous teacher who moved is just giving you an opportunity to adjust to the new teachers etc. I think her reason for not corresponding is for your benefit to her way of thinking. At the same time she is having to adjust, too. Just a thought. Wish you the best with everything. 🙂

September 29, 2006
3:23 am
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Hi Paws,
Wow, I'm impressed with you. And I can relate to the thought processing that keeps you awake at night and makes life not so fun. That's why at 2:10 am I'm writing this to you and why I searched the internet to find out about codependency AND found this site. Luckily for you, you are finding out about this inability to let go of negative thought cycling at a young age. This means that long before you are my age (XX) you will be able to have fun, let go of those thoughts that are not serving you and realize how incredible you are! I've just begun some free emotional freedom techniques that seem to be helping me to release emotional stress. There's a site call http://www.emofree.com where you can find out how to tap on accupoint pressures while saying phrases like "even though I have a hard time letting go of those I trust, I deeply love and appreciate myself." Anyway, you address the problem and learn to love yourself. It's been helpful. That site is totally free (so I don't think this is adverstising - just offering something that works) - for wonderful info so don't go to other sites that charge.
I just was told today that I'm codependant and it was like duh!!! and since I am the child of an alcoholic I thought I'd find out everything I can about it. I feel your pain and know it. And like you, I'm amazingly talented! Now, we just have to realize it and get free from our thoughts that bind us up!
Love to you - I want to have fun and stop beating myself up with my thoughts - hence;

tohavefun signing off

September 29, 2006
6:36 pm
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Paws4peace
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Thanks to you all for the kind words and advice, it helps alot. I think it is so cool that you guys are here for people you don't even know, The world in general needs more of that.

SO, in answer to your question, YES!! I am soo lucky to have such a wonderful, and very "together" family. I have an older bro., younger Sis. and a pet dog-very much part of the Family, an ornery cat-but we love her anyway. My bro. is so amazing, He wants to be a Band teacher. he plays trumpet. he is my hero. I paid for all of his band fees so he could do marching band his senior year, so I guess you can say he means the world to me. 🙂 My mom just likes to help out and be involed with what we are doing. I don't get to see my Dad a lot. He works all the time TRYing to get some money. But we had a lovely and very much needed one-on-one talk last night. It made sleeping easier.

This is a random question but it is something that interests me, and I like to wonder about it. What is a favorite color of yours, do you know why?

Which is better? having something so close to your finger tips but not being able to reach it? or having what you want far away?

has anyone read the book "Stargirl" by Jerry Spinelli? I LOVE it. I am so much like stargirl it is awsome. Whether you have or not, I encourage everyone to drop a bit of change here or there when you think about it. Why?- Have you ever seen a little kid's face when they pick up that coin? It is just one way of being able to watch over the little ones and it only takes a thought and a split second to make a difference. It feels good, I promise!

thanks again,

Paws

September 29, 2006
8:12 pm
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lovetocrochet
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Hi Paws,

I'm sorry you've lost two teachers who've meant so much to you. I think in a way teachers can end up being as close as a favorite aunt or uncle.

I have a daughter who's probably just a little older than you, she's a sophomore in high school. She's autistic so change is difficult for her. She's had some losses for the first time the past couple of years, they hit her hard. So when I read your post I felt that pain she must have had.

That's too bad about the one teacher not responding any more. Hopefully she is simply distracted with life. Sometimes we lose touch with people we don't mean to when that happens, and it's not personal. You might wait a couple of months and then drop a line asking what's up, that you miss her and you hope everything is all right as you haven't heard from her in a while.

If she still doesn't answer, you might have to accept that your relationship with her is in a different phase now. Not bad, just different. But in time hopefully that space left behind in your heart right now can be filled with another similarly wonderful mentor.

That's great you have an outlet for your musical talents and your love of animals. You sound like a pretty bright kid with a loving family and a good outlook on life, that's terrific. Hang in there, no matter what happens I think you'll be okay.

September 29, 2006
10:01 pm
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Hi Paws,

You really are quite amazing. Such an intelligent and articulate young adult. As far as being a "geek" goes....no worries....you are in good company. 🙂

I'm sorry to hear you have lost some friends. I also lost friends at your age. When I was 14...my best friend in the world moved away. I didn't think I could ever be more heartbroken then I was the day he left. Unfortunately, loss is a part of life and as you will see....time does heal our pain and things do get better.

To answer your questions...I'll go with the easy one first.....

My favorite color is yellow because it reminds me of my mother.

The second question is a bit more difficult and I will have to give it some thought. I'll get back to ya on that one.

I have not read the book but I love your idea about dropping change for children to find. You obviously have a very caring and compassionate heart. Something to be very proud of.

I have a feeling you're going to do pretty well for yourself in this world.

It was very nice to meet you....take care.

Lolli

September 29, 2006
10:16 pm
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Hi Paws

You are an amazing young person, I am so in awe of your level of maturity, and committment. I'm sorry you have "lost" your favorite teachers, and I think that was a pretty brave and wonderful thing you did about talking to your new teach.

I also enjoy having artistic talent, but my boyfriend is the musician. I can feel your pain about your beloved Gar. My Gunther goes everywhere with me, we are a tight unit, sometimes when I am holding him I think about someday he will be gone, and just the thought starts me crying.

I'm 44, and I don't have any children of my own, my boyfriend is going to court soon to gain visitation rights to his 2 children that have been alienated from him by their mothers. I'm sure you and many others on this board can help me out with that when I need some advice. I would have to say again I think you are amazing, and your folks should be real proud of you, I would want my kid to be just like you.

Hugs to you, CJ

September 29, 2006
10:42 pm
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Paws-

I'm sorry your dog Gar is no longer with you.

What an excellent thing you do- training the dogs... I have seen them in action... including in a reading program and there is something miraculous in what goes on between a young reader and a dog. They can do so much for people, but also touching is the love and effort of the humans involved. The training these dogs is a labor of love, and the fact that people care enough about others to do that and then make the sacrifice in time and emotion so that others can benefit is so heartwarming. You are young, and already so focused on meaningful occupation.

It is really hard to lose close friends. While you can't exactly replace one individual with another, one thing is true: having great people in your life teaches you that they exist out there, that you can relate to them, and enjoy each other's company. In short, you are capable of meeting good people and making great friendships because of who you are. You've done it, and will again.

If it sounds like I'm dismissing the loss of certain individuals, I am not. They are unique, and one thing that makes you special is that you appreciate that about them.

Dogs are amazing companions. They are as unique as human beings are (anyone who argues otherwise hasn't taken the time to know one). I tell everyone, much to their horror, that my dog better be the first mixed breed to live past 50, because I don't know how I'll survive her. The truth is, I thought the same about my first dog. Somehow, we are given more of a capacity to love than we realize. It is what keeps us going sometimes.

It is hard to be without those we are close to, it is a kind of limbo when we are making new friends, but also a time to spend doing things we care about. You are a person of passion, that is evident. And kindness. You will not be alone for long.

hugs,
ella

September 30, 2006
12:44 am
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PAWS:

I have a special dog I trained myself also. He is a 90 lb blonde lab/heeler mix named Peanut. He is by my side most all the time. He doesn't know any of the special things to help a special needs person, but he minds great. I would like to train him to be as the dogs you train. Can you tell me where I can get the information to know how and for what to train him? He can push open doors and do a few very simple things like that. I have an illness that eventually I will probably need someone or a special dog to help me.

I greatly admire your work and I am truly sorry for the loss of your teachers. Folks are put in our lives for a reason and then when they have served that purpose it is time for them to move on. I'm sure there are folks that you have been a friend to that think of you from time to time and wonder how you are doing.

I know you miss your dog, I would miss mine terribly also. It's ok to miss her, but maybe when you do miss her be proud that someone is benefitting from all the hard work you did for them. you are a real blessing to many folks even if you cannot see it at this time.

September 30, 2006
10:54 am
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Paws,

I was a "band geek" and a "chorus geek" when I was in school. In fact, my original thought was that I was going to major in music, and become a music teacher, when I went to college.

I too lost a very special teacher when I was about your age. He was very special in my life. Not only was he responsible for my love of learning, but he was responsible for my love of skiing and later my involvement with the national ski patrol.

I thought that I would never be able to find another person so special to me in my life. I felt alone. I thought no one would ever be as special to me as he was. A year or so later, however, I found such a person. She was my math teacher. Soon another person came into my life that was also very important to me. My clarinet teacher. We have remained friends to this day.

I am now a teacher myself and have been for 24 years. As a teacher I am trying to give back to my students what these very special people have given back to me.

You sound like a wonderful young lady with a lot to offer. Don't shut out others because of your loss. You already took the first step, you talked to the new band teacher. Who knows, you may develop a different, but equally special relationship with him, or maybe one of your other teachers.

I would not write the other teachers off yet. Starting a new school year is busy enough, but starting one in a new school miles away is even more busy. You may hear from them yet!

September 30, 2006
2:53 pm
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Paws,

You have a special message on the, "To Paws from Jigs" thread. Go read it! You will like it...

Love,

bonita :))

September 30, 2006
3:29 pm
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You asked about favorite colors. Mine is emerald green. I'm told it is a color for the heart, maybe for people who operate more from the heart. Also, have some Irish which could be why, too. What is your favorite color?

September 30, 2006
6:56 pm
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Paws,

I am really hearing that you miss your dog Gars. Is that the hardest thing for you? Would it help it you knew where Gars is now? That Gars has a new home? That Gar is alive and well and is grateful for the time spent with you? Gars was your best friend, right? So, its like you lost your best friend? That hurts. Can you call the place where the dogs are trained and find out how Gars is doing? Tell someone there how much you miss him? I think that may help.

September 30, 2006
8:44 pm
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Paws,
Like everyone has said, you have so much going for you. I'm so sorry you've lost your favorite teachers. I'm much older and have been a child therapist, but know that we all have mentors throughout our lives. I believe people are meant to touch our lives for a time period and then we just move on and meet other people. I know it's difficult to deal with the loss, but you will get through it. You have the gift of music and a passion for animals (especially dogs). Continue to do the best you can!
I'm impressed with your accomplishments and think most of the others on this site are too.
BTW, I've had a dog, but am mostly a cat person and unfortunately, most cats are ornary! :o)
~MsT

October 1, 2006
1:50 am
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Paws-

One thing I forgot to mention is that I actually read the book "Stargirl" when it first came out. I loved it. I love that you love it!!! Spinelli has a gift for writing about the coolest kids. Have you read other books by him? I have, but Stargirl is my favorite.

If you can tell me any other books you enjoyed like that one, let me know. Another book I really liked was "Belle Prater's Boy," which I thought would be hokey. (Also, the cover is not hip enough to attract some kids, but maybe that will change with future editions). I'll post more about it if you are interested in more books.

Reading can be such a comfort when you are feeling low.

-ella

October 2, 2006
6:12 pm
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Paws4peace
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My favorite color is extremely unique, most tend to argue that it is not a color, but I like to think so. My favorite is transparent or clear. I think it counts as a color, otherwise how can you describe the color of water, wind, some minerals and such? a lady I look up to says that if I were a color, I would be green. (Tumbleweed8) because she said it means that you think with your heart. Which I most definitely do. I jusst love how color influences people and they don't even know it!

I don't really read alot. Mostly because I am REALLY SLOW and barely get through a page before I get interupted and/or my mind wanders(it does wonder alot!) But I read "Stargirl" in my English class. I love it mostly because all of the secret things that she does, I already did before I read it. I do have a happy wagon, drop change, follow people because I am curious as to who they are all about, and I Love to find even the simplest ways to make thier day a little better. Although I am extremely shy and don't usually like to go where everyone else is to get involved, I enjoy watching more.

for mamacinnamon- for the program I use they give us the pups at 2 mo. with names already chosen. then I keep them for about a year to a year and a half until they are ready, then they leave. so They only use the dogs that they bred for a specific proffession. so I don't think I can really help you with something like that. sorry!!

The only update I get on Garcelle is a number to tell me what phase out of 10 she is on to get with the right person every Thursday. so far she is on Breeders whatch(wich means she is being looked at for breeding, a very high honor) and she is also on phase 1! I got a letter from her training building in the mail saying thanks and to let me know that everyone there loves her.

I guess I will keep everyone uptated on Garcelle's Success.

Thanks everyone!! I enjoy getting to know all of you. You guys make my day!

Love you all!,
Paws

October 2, 2006
7:06 pm
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Paws,

Great to hear from you Paws and hear an update on Garcelle. Keep us posted.

October 3, 2006
7:52 pm
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paws, it's nice to meet you.

i was an A+ student all my life thought i did not consider myself a geek, learning was very easy for me, but the kids around me labeled me as a geek, i played voleyball and was in the choir (OK that was geeky) you should have seen the uniform, yikes!!

In grade 5 I hade the best teacher ever, I loved her to pieces, I too went to her house and we did things together, then she got married and moved away and I (along a few others ) was devastated. It took a few months to recover. I was awful to her replacement but that other teacher was smarter...she knew how to gain my love and respect. Miss L didn't keep in touch, it was hard, but now I understand. She was starting a new life, and she had already given so much to me. She moved to another country and at that time there was no internte. But I still remember her with a lot of love.

Great that you love dogs, and your family and you sound like a great kid. Teenage years can be LOADS of fun, but also, there is alot of ANGST and pain. It is a fantastic time to learn about yourself, about setting healthy boundaries with friends, family and boys...and to enjoy everything that comes your way...

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