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I'm insane, aren't I?
October 1, 2012
5:23 pm
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cerulean
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October 1, 2012
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My name's Ciara. I am sixteen. And I have no idea what's wrong with me. I live a totally perfect life, as anyone else would say. I have two parents and a little brother who love me, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and am surrounded by good people. Yet I cry myself to sleep every night. See, my story is a long and confusing one.
When I moved to my home in Washington state in fourth grade, I was as happy as could be. I had lovely friends. I played the piano much better than any other child my age and had perfect pitch. I could multiply faster than the whole rest of the class. But from about sixth grade on, things were different. I had to be about twelve when I realized I was a lesbian. And my biggest crush was my best friend. Now, my parents had earlier warned me to "stay away from those freakish gays". (we are a christian family) So I was, of course, never going to tell them or any of my friends. I decided to deal with things on my own.
I realized that I was depressed at the end of eighth grade. But my case of depression was a strange one. I pushed my friends away, but still wanted their acceptance. I called myself ugly but also a narcissist. It was and is so confusing. On one hand, I felt like I hated myself so much, but I also told myself that I was conceited for thinkIng so much about my hatred for myself. I was so confused and felt like a shadow, pondering its exitance and it's position in life. The way I liked to punish myself the most was to bring guilt upon myself by thinking about all the people worse off than me who would love to be in my shoes, while I was just sitting in my room wallowing. Of course, this only added to my self-hatred.
My first suicide attempt was in the ninth grade. I tied a plastic bag around my head and tried to keep my hands away from it, buy I always ended up pulling out the knot. I had been thinking about suicide that whole year. It just seemed so easy. I tried to get myself to tie the hangman's knot last year in tenth grade but never ended up doing again. Now I regarded myself as a weakling who could not even kill herself. I started cutting later that year. The cuts were up high on my legs where no one would see. I don't know why I even started cutting. But this brings me into my final oddity, and it is the strangest yet.
I have a desperate need to feel like I am evil. I don't want to feel better. I want to kill people just so that the world can see how evil I am and so that I can feeth the shame. (Don't worry, I don't have the resources or the courage to do this.) I want to have a mental breakdown and be put into a mental intitution so that I can feel even worse about myself. I feel like I am convincing myself that I need to be unhappy. I need to push my friends away, I need to cut, I need to keep all my secrets to myself. This post doeant even acratch the surface on all the bad, twisted things that go on in my mind. No amount of posts ever can.I wish I could get any form of a grip on my situation. But then, at the same time, I just want to lose it altogether. I just want to die.

October 2, 2012
2:16 am
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ShiningLight
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It seems something is bothering you. It might be best to tell your parents how you feel and open up all your frustrations as it can help you release your stress. You are actually aware of all the things that are happening to you right now and it's a good thing BUT it won't help if you take it all by yourself. If you're happy then show it, if you're sad then say it, if something is bothering you then let it out. Try consulting a psychologist and discuss the details of your condition, it might be helpful.

October 2, 2012
4:46 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Something is most certainly wrong with the way you think about yourself & the world around you.  You should not be trying to hurt yourself.  You should not be thinking about how you could attempt to hurt others.  Your situation is very serious.  Please go and get some help from someone professional that can help you.  I recommend going straight to a hospital.  At the hospital, if you sit with a Psychiatrist or psychologist and really tell the truth about your thoughts and actions they will be able to give you some options.  First of all, it could very well be that you suffer from some kind of mental disorder.  Don't take that to be a judgement.  Something is wrong in your brain chemistry and its better for you to try and receive some sort of therapy and or medicine than take your life at 16.  Remember there is no "normal" but attempting to take your own life or thinking of hurting others is most certainly a red flag that medically you are unwell.  Do not feel bad or wrong about your brain not behaving.  Think of it like having another medical illness like being a Diabetic who needs insulin treatment & will not be better without it.

Secondly, when you are feeling a little better with the right medicine, it will be a good time to talk to a good therapist about your issues with your sexual preferences.  It's o.k. if you are more attracted to girls.  Your parents may not accept it, but that is not your problem and hopefully as you get older if you do decide that you prefer woman to men, hopefully they will still love you and respect your choices.

 

I know you are only 16 but you are nearly an adult & it is very important for you to not ignore your problems.  It was very courageous of you to post your thoughts here, but now you must take responsibility for your troubles by going to the hospital with or without your parents and getting the medical attention you most certainly deserve.

 

Try not to be by yourself during these times & please do not even consider taking your life because you have not yet lived long enough to make such a decision.  What is happening in your mind is not your fault, but you must seek medical help.

 

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