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I'm in love with a married man
May 31, 2005
11:35 pm
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vienny
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Hi. I need major advice. I've known this guy for 4 years. He's always been unhappy with his marriage. He married this woman because he was afraid to be alone for the rest of his life. He knew she wasnt the one for him. They ended up with 2 boys. One age 5 and the other 1. He shows no love for her so she ended up cheating on him 2 years ago. I knew about this when we were friends. A year later, we fell in love. He's never loved anyone like he loves me, and I've never loved anyone like I do him. He's been telling his wife about wanting a divorce, so they had just sold their house. Its in escrow right now. Then one day his son said " I dont want you and mommy to be living in different houses". And plus he went to go seek advice from a priest. The priest said he should work out the marriage(of course). It hit him hard. He's afraid his kids will be messed up. He feels he has to stay in his marriage for his kids happiness even if it means him being miserable. He just wants to do whats right. I just want to do whats right. What is right? Is it right to live with someone when your heart is with someone else? Help us.

May 31, 2005
11:42 pm
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luv2luvher
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I am not experienced in all this. But I do have one question, since you are a female, have you question that maybe his feelings are fabricated? I mean when you have a friend and you spend alot of time with someone it could be false feelings. If he is having doubts about leaving his wife maybe deep down inside he does love her and he does want to make things work for the sake of his children.. Divorce does a number on children and does affect there lives. I speak from experience on that one. My father is still with the women he cheated on my mother with.

I resent her still to this day. I know it takes two to tango, but knowing that someone could even mess with a married man. I would never cheat on someone and that is something I can thank my parents for. I would never want my children to have to endure such pain. I know this isn't the advice or stuff you wanted to hear but this is just my opinion.

Luv2LuvHer

June 1, 2005
12:30 am
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ACryForHelp
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I don't mean to sound, um, bitchy, but remember that old saying:

If her Cheated WITH you he will eventually Cheat ON you!

It is up to you to be the strong one in the relationship since you will be the one blamed when the scat hits the fan!

Good luck but I hope you tell him to Poop or get off the pot.

If he is afrade to be alone...um... don't YOU count as a person... If that is the best he can come up with then start asking the hard questions and see what happens if you ask for a ring...

4 years is a LONG time for someone to make up their mind...even if he is TRULY that unhappy with his wife.

With 50% of ALL marrages ending in divorse it isn't like he can use that as an excuse...and (I THINK the kids are his...) it is more normal for a kid to check his schedule to see which parent he will be with when making plans for next weekend then to have a "traditonal" family.

If he is THAT unhappy at home then his attitude is probibly harming the kids more than if they were to get this over with and get them into therapy...

I'll stop now. Sorry for the Yelling but after 4 years it is time to make a decision...

June 1, 2005
8:13 am
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kc30
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Ohhh...touchy subject!! This is really hardcore and opinionated...you sound very nice, like a good, kind and caring person, which makes this kind of thing even more bizarre and baffling!

First thing I would say, to you and ALL women out there...why the HELL would you EVER settle for the scraps that a married man throws your way? I don't care about "it's different...he's not happy...she's a bitch...etc..." and all the rest of the excuses women make to gloss over the fact that any man who deceives his WIFE, the woman he swore to love and HONOUR is selfish, immature, weak and pathetic.

Harsh words? Yep. The truth hurts. Too many women settle for this kind of man...if he acts sad and remorseful enough...then we determine it's OK???? For them to cheat?? What a LOAD!!

So now you're stuck because you're in love...too late to turn back? No way! You're a good person who got herself into a bad situation...don't make it worse by continuing this. You already know, deep inside, what the answer is...that's why you're here. It doesn't even matter if you're having sex or not...he is turning to you for something that he should be turning to his wife for. It's wrong.

Respect yourself honey. You deserve better than this. Don't be the skanky "other woman" (because that's what the wife and everyone else will call you...that's what I call the women my husband is cheating with)

Don't do this to your fellow "sisters" of the world. I believe it's time we girls started watching each other's backs and keeping our hands off each other's men. There is no excuse or justification for your involvement in their marriage. No excuse. You are a direct threat to their marriage and their children. Can you see that? They need to work this out for themselves, and you need to move on.

Besides...why would you want a man who would do this? There is something seriously lacking emotionally with a man who does this. If he were a standup guy, he would be doing the standup thing...which would be to BE HONEST WITH HIS WIFE. He owes her that and owes that to himself...to be a man of honour and honour his vows. If he doesn't want to do that, then end the contract but stay true to the committment HE made. Isn't that the kind of guy you would want? A man who was loyal, faithful and honoured his committments? Or a man who turned to someone else for comfort every time things got rough in the "real world"

I don't care what someone says about their life, marriage or parnter...it is NEVER a good enough reason to have an affair, either physical or emotional. If there are problems in the marriage, stand up, take responsibility, show some integrity and bloody well FIX those problems. If you can't, then go your separate ways.

Can you tell I'm the wife who's been betrayed? 🙂 Not judging you at all but I feel very very very very very very very strongly about people getting involved with married men and women.

Plus, I GUARANTEE he's paiting a far worse picture of his wife than the reality- it's part of the pattern. Mine did. He would have led his skank to believe that we had all kinds of problems, I was hard to live with blah blayh....the reality? I ADORED my husband...I did everything for him, I thought he was the most incredible man I had ever met. I supported him through school, through illness, through family problems. I was loyal and faithful always. I was utterly, completely devastated...DEVASTATED...when I found out he was involved with another woman. Beyond crushed. Do you really think he told her all of that? NO WAY!!

He's been cheating for 18 months and I've still remained faithful. I'm a married woman. I took my vows seriously. My divorce will soon be final. I'll wait for that to go through, then I'll take the time I need to heal and learn my lessons in the hopes that my heart will be healed and whole, and I'll move into something better than what I had.

THAT is the way adults end marriages, and if more of us took the high road, and committed to doing the RIGHT thing...not the easy thing, perhaps the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. If more women said "Hell no, pig. Go home to your wife" then maybe more men would be forced to work out their issues, more marriages would be saved, and more children would be spared the unbelievable pain of divorce. My children and I were innocent victims...we did NOT deserve the treatment we got...not from the man who swore to honour me, nor the woman who told herself it was ok to get involved with a married man.

Hope I didn't offend...my opinions on this are strong and unwaivering. Adultery is wrong. There is no excuse...there are no "exceptions" to the rule. It's wrong. It's wrong. Walk away.

I'll step down off my soapbox now. 🙂
peace to you

humbly, kc

June 1, 2005
9:51 am
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Cici
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Reagrdless of the morality of the situation, he needs to resolve his relationship with his wife before you guys do anything. Period. If he's miserable in the marriage then he needs to be miserable -- ALONE. If he is so unhappy he should get out of the marriage. It's up to him. Your involvement will only complicate things.

Common sense.

June 1, 2005
10:08 am
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Deena
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KC...once again....you rock.

June 1, 2005
10:29 am
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lollipop3
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Here's my 2 cents...for what it's worth.

The definition of married is as follows:

Married: Unavailable

June 1, 2005
11:31 am
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tracylyn
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Wow kc ~

Very, very powerful words. I have chills.

Vienny ~

I'll speak as a women that's been cheated on and cheated myself. It's wrong. KC is so right in saying there IS no excuse. I was sick and unhealthy so is this man you are in love with. Healthy people make rational decisions and understand the outcome that their actions have on others. Especially their spouses and their children. I got help and lots of it to be able to come to a place now where I respect myself so much that something like that would NEVER happen again.

I promise you he is not being honest with you. If his marraige was so awful...Priest or not...he'd leave. If his wife was so miserable he'd leave.

People make choices at different times in their lives that don't make sense. Because of where they are or what they believe or don't believe or because they are cowards and scared. I did and I've regretted it every day since. I learned a lot from it and I grew but I should have made that decision first....not after I hurt many people. It's sick, it's not right.

Try for a moment putting yourself in his wife's shoes. Have you ever been cheated on? Do you understand the pain of betrayal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Bottom line here, you need to find out what's in you that would allow you to settle for such a man. What is in you that says it's ok. Why wait for an unavailable man when you are worthy of so much better and deserve so much better. Start doing some searching into yourself and ask yourself some tough questions.

Like....

Why do I settle?

Do I feel worthy of real love?

Do I know I can do better?

Why don't I respect myself more.

Do I really love myself?

Make this about you and not him. Find out why it is important to you to wait for a married man. You deserve better....go find it.

t

June 1, 2005
11:59 am
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Vienny, I have been in your position in the past and I can only offer up one suggestion... RUN! Run like the wind!!!!! Nothing good can come of this situation. I "butted" myself to death when I was in that doomed relationship. BUT... he loves me. BUT... she doesn't understand him. BUT... he's only staying for the children. BUT... He's confused!! The list goes on and on and I ended up staying with him much longer than I should have. I was very young and very naive and I had idealistic dreams that he was my soul-mate and it was meant to be, blah, blah, blah!! When the truth was that I was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Looking back, I don't understand how I was able to make it OK in my mind to be sneaking around with someone else's husband. I can only chalk it up to immaturity. Today, I would never get myself in a position like that. I only saw in shades of gray back then... not in black and white or right and wrong. But it really is that simple. What I would do, if I were you is walk away. If he truly loves you (as you believe he does)... he will do the "right" thing. He'll either work on his marriage 100% or he'll leave and be able to give YOU 100%. I don't know why you'd want any less than that. Right now, I'd say the most you are getting is 50% (and THAT is probably even a little bit generous). Don't you deserve more than that???? Yes, you do. I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm only giving you my opinion because I wish someone had given me some advice when I was going through it myself. It would have saved me so much heartache! It is not easy to walk away from someone you love, but it is the right thing to do and in the end... if you end up being together, you'll be able to hold your head up high and know that you did it the "right" way.

TC

June 1, 2005
12:30 pm
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dustygirl
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here's my 2 cents....

Please walk away from this man - take it from me and what I am going through - I cheated on my husband and my current b/f cheated on his wife. We both left our spouses, I divorced - three years later he hasn't filed. The pain that this causes in indescribalbe for both parties involved. I have hurt so many people - starting with my ex, his wife and 2 children. I get nothing but scraps from this man and feel like I gave up everything for him so I have to stay.

He has recently been communicating with his wife almost on a daily basis which I feel is because he realizes that he had made a mistake by leaving her. I cry everyday - because of the guilt, the pain that I have caused and the pain that I am going through - I feel like I deserve whatever comes my way and therefore my selfesteem is in the gutter and feel like I don't deserve anything more.

Please stay away from this man until he has figured things out - you will be the one getting hurt in the end and believe me, i wouldn't wish the pain that I am going through on anyone - not even my worse enemy.

Plus, I do believe that about if he cheated on her, what makes me think I am so great that he would do the same to me - I believe he already has.

Get out now before you get any deeper - I promise you, you will be better off in the end.

June 1, 2005
12:35 pm
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Deena
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Lolli-

Very very good definition.

June 1, 2005
9:23 pm
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vienny
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Thanks for all your input. I appreciate it and has made me see some points. How do I move on? How do I let go? I work with this guy. I have a great job, I love my job and would never quit it. He's my manager. He loves his job and does great at what he does. How can I let go of him if he tells me he loves me everyday? When he looks at me with loving eyes everyday? I know I still love him.

vienny

June 1, 2005
9:35 pm
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vienny
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luv2luvher,
your dad is still with the woman he cheated with. Do you think he would have been happy with your mother if he stayed with her or is he happy now? How old were you when the separation happened?
My father cheated on a woman and is still with her till this day. 23 years. I know my dad is happy with her and my mom is happy with her life now. I know that their personalities are so different, they would have been miserable together. I think I would have been mad at myself if I was the reason for my parents unhappiness.

vienny

June 1, 2005
10:25 pm
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luv2luvher
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vienny,

It took me 13 years to finally find out what happened to my parents. I found out my mom had cheated on my father in the begining of there relationship. My father lived with that for 18 years married to my mother. He met his current partner while on a ski trip with his buddy. When my mother found out she told him he had to make a choice who he wanted to be with. Of course he wanted his cake and eat it too. Well, they split. One weekend my father picked my 2 brothers, sister and me up. We went out to the lake, with him was a buddy of his and this woman. He straight up lied and said it was his buddies girl.

I was probably around 10 or 11 at this time. So from the end of my parents he filled us with so many lies and really hurt me emotionally with how it all went down. I remember my mother coming in the house one afternoon and sat down in a chair crying her eyes out. You ask if my father would be happy with my mother if he would have stayed? I can't answer that, he didn't try. As far as him being happy in his current situation, I don't know, from the outside looking in, he doesn't seem to be. He is always drinking, she lives in Dallas and he lives in Fort Worth. They tried living together once while we still lived in the house but that didn't work out. She doesn't like kids and will never have any. She would be just as content if we didn't exist. My father may have not been happy staying with my mother, but I do know that the way my father is today, he will find him self old and alone if he continues to treat his children as he does today. I know deep down he loves us but with the "Puppet Master" pulling his strings, he doesn't treat or respect us like a father should. So, to tell you that it had no impact on my life, I would be lying.

But through it all I know I would never do that to a women. No matter how hard times got with my current ex, the thought of leaving or cheating never crossed my mind. I am all for counseling (individual or coupled) and if all resourse pointed in the direction of separation then and only then would I give into it. But I believe it takes two people to work real hard in a relationship to make it work. Relationships are like flowers, they need nurhishment, care, love and attention, without them they die.

Much Luv,
Luv2LuvHer

June 2, 2005
12:11 am
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gingerleigh
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Also been there, got the T-shirt, yadda yadda yadda. I know that you feel like your love is so special, so magical, no one else on earth has ever shared such a deep love the way you and your love have. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's not at all uncommon. It's special because it is happening to you, I won't discount that. And I know it hurts and tears you up inside. I speak from personal experience.

And what about you? Do you have any children of your own? If not, I suggest that you try dating some single men without children, someone in a similar life position to you. Distract yourself with a little bit of fun, meet some new people, take up a new interest or hobby, just anything to get your mind engaged in things other than your lover. Why burden yourself with such a complicated situation? Your lover will be fine. It's time to take care of you. My grandfather always used to tell me "Watch out for #1, because no one else will." And the older I get, the more I see that it's true.

I don't think your lover is wrong for having a change in heart. I actually don't think that staying in an unsatisfying marriage for the sake of children is bad either, unless there is abuse going on. If both partners want to work on the marriage, there is always hope, whether it started off perfect or not.

Please take care of yourself.

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