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I'm in a black hole
January 24, 2007
12:43 pm
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maham
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This is my first time on this. I am a co-dependent person with my son. He is 32. He moved back with us last year and has been clean for 2 years. He left last Thursday and has not responded to us via phone or anything. He is back on the other side of the state where his life went downhill. I can't get a grip. My husband and I threatened taking things away and we are sorry but our son won't come home.

January 24, 2007
1:09 pm
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maham
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It's just me again. I didn't know how long I could make this.

My son has not worked since the first part of Dec. My husband and I have been paying all his bills. He feels it is o.k. to run all over the state and not look for a job while we pay his bills. This behavior just started about a month ago. We know he feels badly about not working however, he also has a felony on his record and jobs are very hard to find. We have been supportive of him. He joined his church, became very involved, and has been doing great. Why this behavior now?

Because he wasn't responding to our calls, my husband and I threatened to take his car because I had faith in my son and co-signed. We have always agreed we would NEVER co-sign for anyone and here I did!

We're angy, confused and want to help our son but not be enabling. He has a 7 year old son who lives on the other side of the state. There is also a girl there that is an enabler and that is where he runs to.

I found out I was a co-dependent person in 1998 and went to Co-Da meetings for 4 years. I've done really well until lately. Now I feel like my world is falling right out from under me. Any suggestions?
I could use any help I can get. I can't quit crying.

January 24, 2007
1:13 pm
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CAMER
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why not try going back to the coda meetings???

Unfort. you and your hubby are enabling him now...with paying his bills, cosigning a loan, these are all things he can do for himself.

Sometimes when we think we are "helping" a loved one, it just prolongs everything.

Why not just tell him how you feel, if he does call soon enough, its time he may have to fall to "rock bottom" to realize that everyone cannot and will not take care of him.

((good luck))

January 24, 2007
1:44 pm
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maham
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Camer,
I am going to a Co-Da meeting Monday. That's the only one around me.

We did all those things for our son because he had just come out of rehab and we were trying to help him get on his feet. When he lost his job, we told him we would help him for a month until he got a job. We just didn't think he would disappear on us as he has.

January 24, 2007
2:35 pm
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atalose
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Of course you did all you could to help him; you love him he is your son. Please don’t beat yourself up over the help you and your husband have offered him.

I think when the addicts/alcoholics in our lives become clean and sober and remain that way for a longer period of time we reward that good behavior by doing some of those things you and your husband have done.

Now the time has come to STOP offering, stop paying and get the car back from him. You don’t want to reward his bad behavior AT ALL.

It’s time that this 32 year old man begin taking control of his own life and his own responsibilities. I would bet my house on the fact your son knows you will continue to pay his bills, continue to allow him to have the car which you are paying for and allow him to return home at will, leaving him with no consequences for this recent bad behavior. And he’ll do it again and again until there are consequences he must face instead of having you face them for him.

I would suggest you and your husband sit down and fully view this situation for what it really is and it’s impact on YOU & YOUR HUSBAND not the impact on your son, he doesn’t care because there is no impact on him right now, it’s all falling on the both of you.

Like a teenager always testing to see what they can get away with, your son is acting no different, the outcome will ONLY depends on how YOU & YOUR HUSBAND handle this initial very important situation. The decision you make now will set the rules for his game in the future.

Besides code meetings, have you ever gone to al-anon or nar-anon meetings in your area?
Nar-anon is really good because addiction is addiction whether it be drugs, drinking, gambling, etc. and those meeting help the people who’s lives have become unmanageable due to someone else’s addiction.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 24, 2007
4:16 pm
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maham
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Atalose,
You are so right in so many of the areas you spoke about. My husband and I are sitting down and trying to make these decisions about our son being on his own and taking the car. You are right, he has no consequences right now. Never really thought about that.

I've been to Al-anon meetings because I grew up with an alcoholic and drug addict.

Thank you for your insight.

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