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I'm I a Failure???
January 14, 2002
1:08 am
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Utahgirl
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January 14, 2002
1:50 am
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Utahgirl
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I have been posting on one of the threads the last two days and everyone seems to be real nice so I thought maybe I could start a thread and get some feedback.
I am a 31 year old female that lives in Utah. I attended Utah State University in Logan, UT and got a bachelor degree in Special Education but did not complete my student teaching therefore I did not become a certified teacher. That was almost nine years ago. When I got kicked out of student teaching I came home and I have lived with my parents since that time. I was a teacher's assistant for the first three years after I came home from college. In June 1996 I resigned from my job as a teacher's assistant and I have been looking off and on for a full time job since that point in time. Most of the time I have worked in the evening for a bank but only 20-25 hours a week. One fact that I need to tell is that I have a physical disability. I have some fine motor and gross motor brain damage. I can physically do almost anything anybody else does but just a little slower and I don't have great articulation and I have a raspy voice. It like I have a very mild form of cerebral palsy. I am also 100 lbs overweight. But I can't seem to get a full time job. I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety. I also have OCD(purely obsessional type) that can affect me once in a while.
I am applying for jobs like a cashier at the a grocery store or a file clerk job so I am not expecting alot but I feel like a failure all the time. I have very supportive therapist and a lot of good friends who I can trust but I still feel like a half adult. Anyone with any feedback would be welcomed.
Utahgirl

January 14, 2002
12:01 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hello Utahgirl,

Utah is very beautiful... I know that you mentioned that you have some motor damage, but are there any physical activities that you can do outside to enjoy yourself a little bit? Even just walking around outside in that crisp clean air each day might make you feel really good and clear your head a little. Just as a start... it's really really hard to start feeling positive. You deserve more than the "not much" that you are expecting, but it sounds like you're so in the dumps it's impossible to see that. That's OK, we've all been there, and still go there sometimes 🙂

GL

January 14, 2002
2:06 pm
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syqg
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You know the answer that could solve everything here. Get that certificate and go teach. Children have a better way of accepting us adults! Actually way better than we do. Get that going. Get CAREER not job. Move out. And then start loving and respectiong yourself more and if you want to lose weight you will if you TRY. I don't sense that you have tried, though I may be wrong. You thought when you were in school you were just passing time......then when it came down to it you GAVE UP. And you will continue feeling the way you are until you jump into your life and live it. No words anyone can say on here will help. They may make you feel alone, but then you'll go back to feeling the same way in 2hrs. I know because I'm just like you. I have GAVE up several times and I feel like a failure. What I'm saying to you is what I need to do myself. You know it's true.............finish school and go teach. Grow up!

January 14, 2002
2:19 pm
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Molly
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Its hard not to become a label that some one else has handed you. When we begin to believe we are disabled, its paralyzing. We become self limiting, we quit trying to reach beyond our imposed limitations, and because of that label, no one else expects much from us, so we sit and watch life, dreams, experiences pass us by when there really is no reason for it. I am sure there is lots to be depressed about, and weight is the most depressing thing of all, its heavy on us physically, psychologically, and emotionally, and could be more the reason for your possible rejection, than your mental ablilities, people are so judgemental. Since you have such a good relationship with your therapist, why don't you suggest to her, or him, that they kick it up a notch, push you , direct you, really help you. Let them know that your not happy about where your at, want to challenge your self, and take on more of life, and want support for growth not enableing of your circumstances. I think that not only should you get that certificate, but think of the role model that you would be for the children that you could work with, if you can do it , so can they. don't let a lable controll you, it is a word that some one else assigned, and failure, ha ha ha, I dare some one to work real hard to make that ugly name fit, it would take so much effort to be a failure, why put it there ?

January 14, 2002
2:22 pm
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gypsygirl
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Molly you are always so insightfull, I find it a relief to read your posts. What do you do for a living again?

January 14, 2002
3:44 pm
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gingerleigh
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One bit with the teaching... by far my most amazing teacher in high school was a lady in her mid-fifties with MS. She could barely walk, had to use crutches to get around everywhere. Not only did she show a ton of courage just by becoming a teacher, but she was also hands down the most hard-ass teacher I ever had, high school *or* college. I learned more from her about language and literature than just about all of my other years combined. She had to tough it out to get to where she was, and she passed on those lessons and ethics to us. She inspired. Perhaps you could be that inspiration to other people too.

January 14, 2002
3:47 pm
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Molly
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Thanks gypsygirl, think that will be GG for short, I always type ie, then have to change it. Right now I am perfecting Princess........har har har.
Lets see, counselor, specializing in D&A, Real Estate consulting and sales,writer,chief cook, and dishwasher, gardner, and there is a list of things that I am supposed to be working on, but damn........... don't want to.......... I am soooooooooooooo unmotivated, was just asking my self what is it going to take to get off my arce, and yet so greatful that I can be right where I am at for the second. But the clock keeps ticking, know what I mean.

January 14, 2002
5:28 pm
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gypsygirl
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D&A? wow you do alot. and still have time to grace us with your wisdom. I am in awe.

January 14, 2002
11:59 pm
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Utahgirl
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Thank you for
your feedback. I don't quite know who to respond to first. It would make life a lot easier if I could go and get certified as a sp. ed . teacher but that is not possible for many reason. When I was a teacher's assistant I found out that the students problems became my problem and I was unable to separate myself from them and the day to day work was emotionally difficult for me to cope with. Also, I was trying to become a teacher that works with students with severe and mutiple disabilities and often students with such problems aren't able to care for themselves and it involves intimate care which I have a hard time dealing with such tasks. So I decided not to try a second time. It took a long time to come to peace with myself on that issue.
gingerleigh, I do exercise once a day by walking around my neighborhood.
I have a hard time being positive especially around issues such as employment and I am under the care of a good psychiatrist and I take medication for anxiety and depression.

Sygg, you seem like a hard nox kind of person. I may need to be more assertive and getting want I want in life. But may I ask why you said "grow up"?

Molly, My disability is physical and not intellectual. (I needed to state that since many people assume that it is intellectual) I try not to let my disability stop me but it is a factor in my life and that why I stated that fact since I am not quite your average person. Losing weight may help feel better about who I am. I keep wanting to put more self discipline into my life but I have not got very far yet but I guess I could keep trying.

Blondie in NYC, thanks for your ideas too. I guess I need to like myself for who I am but it hard when all I see is what wrong with me. Can I ask you do you have a disability too??

January 15, 2002
10:43 am
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scherza
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Holy smokes Blondie! You remind me of one of those fighter planes that bearly makes it back from combat...full of holes and bouncing up and down the run way because the air brake is broken and the elevator flaps are jammed...but it still lands and the occupants still survive. I have PTSD, too! I am amazed at how well I function in a trauma situation! I am actually DRAWN to this profession! I can get addicted to feeling numb...until it gets lonely. I once worked with Life Flight pilots that were Viet Nam vets...with the same need.... It is amazing how we connected.

UtahGirl: You are not a failure! ...because I said so! 🙂

I once had a patient that was 92 that had an 89 year old boyfriend. People laughed and thought they were "cute," but I tell you what: when I extubated her, I went and got boyfriend first! So she could kiss him the minute the tube was out...at HER request! She heard everything they were saying about her being old...etc...and the first words out of her very lucid mouth were: "I may be old but I ain't dead yet!"

It ain't over with 'til the fat lady sings...and that fat lady is intubated right now! ha! (You can't talk or sing with a tube down your throat!)

I have struggled with feelings of failure...being in my 40s and thinking that I could have been so much more by now. I am actually quite a lot more than I imagined...it is just that the picture looks a little different than I thought it would.... But then there are things in existence now that were never even imagined or invented back then...when I was having the original dream....

January 15, 2002
12:35 pm
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Molly
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I was really clear that your "disability" was physical and not intellectual, all the more reason for you to rebel on those labels. I watched Matti yesterday on Oprah, and what an inspiration. I have contributed, and watched the special olympics, these two things alone, not just for you, but for all of us, with our trials and tribulations, should inspire us to live to our potential, and reach beyond. It is just way to easy to reach for an excuse and use it with out really getting all of the psychological implications that , the excuse can create. I say again, get the support you need, make some goals and get out there and claim what you want, if you can work at a bank, if you can make it through school, you can drop some weight, and get back into the spirit of living, the exercise will help with the stuckness, and the negative thinking, where there is a will there is a way, and just think about how you would react if some one showed up on your door and said NO, you have no choice, you would most likely say the heck with you, or something stronger, and prove them wrong, this is your life not a recess, the break is over, now go take on the world, your only a failure when you quit, that is a quote from Blondie I think..........

January 15, 2002
2:17 pm
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eve
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Hi utahgirl,
unlike everybody else I don't think that you should complete your teachers degree. This is something that you already knew, and if you could have done it - you would, right? I had this situation whith my thesis. It was almost ready, just this half year more of effort .... it took me one and a half year to realize that I *just* wasn't able to put this kind of effort in this kind of thesis. And it was a wonderful feeling to quit struggling against the impossible. Just this combination of people at the university, people in my private life at that time, and changes in myself and the values and goals that I had for life.

So, you won't go into teaching. What else would you like to do? Make a list. No, don't make a list that reads *I would even work as a... *. What precisely would you do for a living, if you could do exactly what you dream of. You don't even have to come up whith a name for this kind of job. What would it be like? Fulltime? How much money? Where? Would you consider your own business? What would it be? What kind of things would you like to do? What parts of your education could you put to good use? What did you learn at your jobs that you'd like to use again?
Toghether whith whom would you work, how many people, would you like a team, working whith things, working whith people and so on.
Now you have that list. Do a ranking. most important, definitely a must, would be nice, ...
Now -AND NOT BEFORE YOU HAVE THIS LIST OF YOUR *UNREASONABLE* DREAMS- you can start asking all the what iffs and yes butts. Yes, but... need more qualifications - then do a course. Don't really know what such a job would be like - ask someone if you can volunteer. This job doesn't exist - work on making it. Find your goal. And if the goal will be atractive enough you won't have too many difficulties to find the way to get there. It will take some time, continuous reevaluation of your goals, somtimes you'll have to let go some of your present ways of life. But you'll be getting there. Sure you will. Now go make that list.

January 16, 2002
1:22 am
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Utahgirl
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This is going to be short but I just posted something for Cloud that might help her. I can still help others and you guys are right life is not over at 31. Post more later, Utahgirl

January 16, 2002
8:35 am
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artist
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That was amazing--I have nothing to add Blondie--I just thought that I'd post to keep this thread near the top to be sure that as many as possible can read your post.

Love ya--Artist:)

January 16, 2002
8:55 am
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scherza
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I love your missive, Blondie! You are so AMAZING to me...such richness of spirit and liveliness of mind! On the level of intimacy that we share on this communication source...I can say that I honestly love you...like a soul sister.

January 16, 2002
10:14 am
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scherza
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Hey, UtahGirl! We love you too!

Get some things done for yourself! Chase down those dreams of yours...! You have the power to make your life so wonderful! Do it! If teaching is your thing, do it! Go very deeply into yourself and look at what is there and make your life the happiest version of what is inside you! Don't ever stop...until you drop. Life is too short.

Give yourself, us, and the world your beauty...be the best you you can be. It is quite an adventure to explore this! I love doing this, myself! It is always a jazz to find out something really new and cool about yourself.

You, my friend, are a gold mine. Start digging! 🙂

January 16, 2002
11:27 am
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gypsygirl
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If you really want to teach, go ahead, what the do you need that piece of paper for anyway? It is just a piece of pAPER, It might help to get you a better job, but is it the job your after or the satisfaction of having helped someone to learn? You have plenty of oppratunity to teach here on these threads. It is a start after all.

January 16, 2002
11:54 am
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gypsygirl
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I am still here so I must be doing alright. How you doing? I got a psych Dr. appt in a hour and a half.

January 16, 2002
12:02 pm
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gypsygirl
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So feeling any better mommas? when are you gonna download msn im so we can chat?

January 17, 2002
12:16 am
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Utahgirl
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Gypsygirl, I think your idea of teaching someone else on these threads is a good idea. I posted a message for Cloud and I was excited about it and I was real hopeful that Cloud would learn something but at least I tried to give her some different ideas.
Scherza, I am glad that I posted and it has given me more motivation to keep trying and to get going and make more of my circumstances. Or in the 2002 Winter olympics theme " Light the fire within" I live in Salt Lake so that all we hear about these days but I think it appropiate for what everyone is saying to me. ( I' m getting better at typing by posting.)

Blondie in NYC, you seem to have a lot of trials but you have a lot of courage to ccontinue to go on and it made me think again about the fact that I have a ton to be thankful for and I need to be reminded that too often.
Utahgirl

January 17, 2002
10:15 am
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gypsygirl
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Are you marman by any chance? If you are there are plenty of chances to get involved with primary or young womens. get out more and look at everyday situations they is plenty of chances, you just have to recogonize them.

January 17, 2002
10:37 am
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gypsygirl
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oops I meant morman

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