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I'm having a difficult time......lolli (long)
January 27, 2006
10:36 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi everyone,

I have been rather emotional lately but not for the usual reasons. I will start by saying that things have continued to go very well with b/f and I and for that I am grateful.

My problem stems from my father and the fact that he is getting older.

It started a few weeks ago when he called me to discuss the fact that he no longer has medical insurance. He is 76 years old and worked up until 2 years ago. His employer kept him on their insurance up until the end of this past year, at which point he applied for Medicare. They informed him that he waited too long to apply and that he will have to wait at least 6 months to be covered and that he will be penalized from that point on because he waited too long to apply. He then went to the senior center to ask for help and they told him to write a letter to his congressman. He is also a war veteran so he went to the VA to ask for help but they told him he had too much money to qualify for benefits. I am so upset about this. First, he is close to 80 years old and has cancer and cannot go that long without medical coverage. Second, he has been a law abiding, contributing member of society, who fought for this country only to be treated like yesterdays trash. What kind of country is this????? He has paid into Medicare since it's inception 40 years ago and now he will be penalized for NOT having to use it up until now!!!!!! The whole thing is so frustrating and makes me feel helpless.

Then today I had lunch with him. I guess I should say here that my father is and has been a very generous man. He has helped all of his children financially in many ways over the years, not to mention birthdays, Christmas, etc. Anyway, when I decided to go back to school, he said that he would pay for it. When I objected.... His exact words were...."I don't care how old you are, you are still my daughter and it is still my job to pay for your education" Every semester, I put it on my credit card and he pays me back. Well, today at lunch, I told him my bill was in and he asked if I could wait a couple of days because he had to wait for his social security check to come in. All of a sudden, I had this vision of him sitting at home, silently cold and hungry and using his social security check to pay for my education! My eyes immediately welled with tears and I told him that I could not allow him to pay for my school with his social security check. He then realized what I was thinking and assured me that he had plenty of money and that I need not worry about it. He told me that not all of his money was available as cash and that's why he had to wait for the check. I still could not get a hold of myself. The more he tried to assure me, the harder I cried.

It was at that moment that I realized what was bothering me and why I was so emotional. I don't want to lose him.

I know that it is part of life but I can't bear the thought and it kills me everytime I think about it. Now with all this talk of Medicare and Social Security checks...its' right in my face and I can't avoid it.

I'm proud to say that I have always been a Daddy's girl, and I don't know how to deal with all of this.

I know there is not much anyone can say or do here but I just needed to get this out.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Lolli

January 27, 2006
10:40 pm
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lollipop3
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Okay, not quite as long as I thought.

January 27, 2006
10:55 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Lolli: I've sort of been thinking those things too about my Dad. Tomorrow is his 77th birthday. I am lucky he is still around. Last weekend we went to a funeral for my cousin, his nephew, who was only 62. As I sat there crying my eyes out and trying hard not too, I glanced at my Dad and I wondered what he was thinking. I know he thinks about his turn coming up and I can't imagine what that is like. He still changes the oil in my car, and sometimes washes it for me, rotates the tires, etc. You mentioned in a recent thread about your bf being a doer- that's my Dad. He never tells me how he feels but I know by the things he does for me. I know I am spoiled.

Its a part of life I don't know how to face. I don't think we can really prepare outselves for it. It will happen as HP intends.

I also think at that point, is that when I really become an adult? When I don't have my father to look out for me?

January 27, 2006
11:09 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi SD,

Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your own thoughts with me.

My Dad often makes jokes about his passing which drives me crazy. My family (Dad included) has always had sort of a "dark" sense of humor but I'm not liking it so much now that he is directing it at himself. For instance.... recently he was looking at different types of flooring for his kitchen. When I saw one that I thought he would like I mentioned that it had a 25 year warrenty. He responded with....."I won't be needing that" Then, when he was purchasing the flooring, the girl asked for his ID and asked what the expiration date was....he asked "my experation date?" Stuff like that, that makes everyone else laugh but it makes me cry because I know he is only half kidding.

I know it is inevitable and hell...he could have another good 20 years in him...who knows. It just makes me sad to think about it.

Thinking about it now, I am realizing this has actually been a fear of mine for many years. I remember very clearly when I was 8 years old. My father was 41 years old when I was born so when I was in the third grade he was going to be 50. I told everyone in class that his birthday was coming up and they all made fun of me because most of their parents were in their 20's, and they laughed at how old my Dad was. I remember crying all the way home that day because I thought he was so old that he was going to die any minute! That was 26 years ago.

Perhaps this is part of becomming an "adult"...but if that's the case....I don't like it one bit.

Love,
Lolli

January 28, 2006
10:47 am
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free spirit
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Hi Lolli,

It is so hard when our parents get older, it's also hard for me. My parents are relatively young, but we had a recent scare with my father and it really made me think about alot of things. I have also always been a "daddy's girl".

The jokes are probably your dad's way of dealing with a serious issue. Sometimes I joke about things that are sensitive issues as a way of coping!

Just wanted to let you know I can relate to your feelings,

Hugs,

free spirit

January 28, 2006
12:05 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Lolli: Maybe about 8 years ago my Dad gave me the lowdown on plans made for when he "goes". Went thru all the financial stuff, showed me where its kept, who to contact,what goes to who, etc. In the mean time my Mom has been cleaning out the attic, trying to get my Dad to clean out the garage, giving me family heirlooms, like she's going thru her checklist of what to do before you die. But that's my Mom- always has to have a list of what to do next. Heaven help her when she gets everything done (lol).

A few things have been encouraging though. This last year they replaced their roof and got new vinyl windows. So at least they are still making improvements to the house and not sitting there waiting for it to fall down around them. And Dad replaced the raingutters, painted, etc., climbing up on the ladder like he was 20.

Your story about the third grade makes me think of how my niece must feel. She's almost 11 and lives with my parents. Can't be easy for her.

I think this is something that we can't obsess over, it will happen when it happens, and have to make the most of the time we can spend with them now.

I spent 2 days making homemade tamales for Dad's bday today. Going to take them over later. Hope he likes them! SD

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