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I'm going out of my mind......
September 18, 2003
5:47 pm
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unhappy camper
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I'm so restless and alone. The only thing I want for ME is a nice husband. You can take all the money and riches and power in the world....give me a husband.

I need money for my kids. But not for me. I just need a partner. Since I have herpes it's not easy. I can't telling anyone I have it and see them squirm. I don't want them worried and I don't want the feeling of being undesirable.

I am trying to find a partner with it but it may take forever.

There is nothing else I want to do with my life, except take care of my kids. If I don't find a nice husband I don't want to live. It's critical for me.

I expect some will tell me I need to find myself, etc. I know myself well. I need someone to talk to and care about (not to just care for).

I'd need someone to phone me at work and be there when I get home and share my life.

I am at the mercy of others. My husband is not doing anything positive. And I have to wait to see if I can find a person in my area who has herpes and is nice. It limits the choices you have for a partner dramatically. But at least you know that it is a person who cares. Not a jerk who doesn't care about passing this virus on. All the people who care are posting in herpes forums and crying about how lonely they are....but they and I could never consider being irresponsible about it.

I guess I am just too impatient. LOL

However, reading the ads of men in herpes and non-herpes sites (where I clearly state that I have it)...is interesting.

I have had a half-life....no money and no activities so 20 years.

I see the men are all golf players, love to go out for fine dining, travel, ski, etc.

I feel so out of place in the world....

I don't fit in.

September 19, 2003
8:56 am
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unhappy camper
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How can I make myself more attractive to men who have lots of free time and money and energy?

They are the opposite of me, but the men my age all seem to stress "being active" as a criteria for a mate.

I am not going to go and learn golf. It does not interest me.

???????

September 19, 2003
11:42 am
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artist 2
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You ARE beautiful. Tell yourself that. You ARE worth spending time on.

Herpes is such a pain in the butt. But once you find out the facts, explain it to a potential partner (and I say potential, because you don't want to spread it, and also give the guy a chance to check it out for himself, to see if he wants to take the chance - right?). So, the facts are that men are much less likely to get it. You are most contagious at the onset of the breakout than afterwards. Spermacide with Nonoxyl-9 will kill the virus on contact (at least that's what I read). Fact is you are always able to pass it along, just not as much as other times. I have been with my bf for over a year now and he has not one symptom. I don't think he has it and if we're still careful, won't get it. It's not too hard, just do some research on it. Find out the facts.

As far as finding a man, I understand completely. You sometimes dont' feel whole without a partner. It's only fair that we have help and affection and love in life. Everyone wants that.

So, it's good to check out ads - good start. Join clubs and groups that share YOUR interests, and the rest will fall into place. Find out about what YOU want to do.

Lastly, prepare yourself. You may not be ready for another relationship. You're still married, you're still bound to the man. THINK long and slowly about it. Don't push yourself into anything. Take your time and love yourself along the way.

We're listening...

Artist 2

September 19, 2003
12:02 pm
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unhappy camper
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Thanks Artist 2

Every day I change slowly. Today I am thinking of how boring I am! LOL

I should get busy and do stuff but it can't cost money.

I just don't want to do anything alone. I can't drag my kids around they are into their own lives now.

I don't have any friends in the world.
I did have during my first marriage and we had parties every weekend.

But I enjoy a quiet man and just do simple things.

I am considering getting back together with my husband.

Not sure....I know it's a bad thing....but if he can change?????

I'll have to see what he does in the next few months.

I think we should live apart for a year or more and see each other every day and see how it goes. I know he would like that too. I would not be his provider and insist that he pull his own weight.

September 19, 2003
1:15 pm
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artist 2
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Sounds good. I think just deciding to stick it out - but at a healthy distance - might be the right thing to do. But only you know what is right.

Everyone changes. Those who used to party get filled up now by quiet, etc.

If you do return to your husband, and keep your own place, make sure you stay separate - keep your interests and activities - and friends separate. Merge him in only on the things you feel comfortable with.

By the way, you do have friends here, but we all want you to get out of the house and away from the computer. What do you like to do with your time? What feeds you?

September 19, 2003
1:19 pm
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unhappy camper
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I don't really know artist. I'll have to invent something to do. LOL

It's time to get into the swing of things a bit. You are right. The sadness makes it hard.

Have a wonderful weekend!

September 19, 2003
3:51 pm
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unhappy camper
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No I can't get back together with him. I just want to IF he could be a new man. You will see me change my mind a hundred times. My lawyer hears yes let's get the divorce going, no let's hold off....over and over.

It's been a month since I spoke to my husband. I still have not heard from a pyschiastrist. Probably never will. He won't go.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I am ashamed but I am still weak. But would have to have a sworn testimonial from six doctors and eight therapists and three judges that he will be safe and nice to live with.

But he could fool them all, like hermes says.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I'll have to do like Scarlett O'Hara did in Gone with the Wind....I will worry about it tomorrow.

September 19, 2003
4:19 pm
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mondy
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I have just read your story.

I would like to extend my word of encouragement. "You are what you think you are".

If you can start as from today to tell yourself, all good things you will eventually feel that you do not need anything but everything is you.

September 19, 2003
5:24 pm
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artist 2
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Camper, just give yourself space, darling... you can still see him and not have to make any rash decisions. Just do your thing, honey. He can come second. Try and not spend so much time frettin over him. Just be cool and carry on with your stuff. Know what I mean?

September 19, 2003
6:19 pm
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unhappy camper
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I'm sorry to be such a pain....but this is eating me away. I feel I have only a few months left if I am going to get divorced before his probation ends. I don't know if he has the right to move back into the house if we are still married and his probation is over.

September 19, 2003
6:55 pm
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Holdingon
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I stumbled across this board the other day and while my situation isn't quite the same as Unhappy Camper's, I want to tell you that you're not alone at all. And Artist 2, thank you for your advice. I'm currently trying to follow something very similar to your advice and I can say that it's hard to do. Seeing someone that you still care about and having the situtation between you be so different is hard. Feeling or having very few friends to turn to is extremely difficult. Unhappy Camper, hang in there and continue to share as you need to. Someday things will turn around.

September 19, 2003
7:07 pm
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unhappy camper
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Hi holdingon

Pretty soon we will be able to build an army of co-dependents and overtake the bad guys!!! LOL

I'm sorry that you are suffering too, but glad you are here. There's lots to read and great people to call upon for advice.

I hope you will end up being "letting go" rather than "holding on". I guess we have to, they leave us no choice. I wonder if they will suffer at all or will they just latch onto a new victim like a leach?

I wonder about him/them constantly.

I wish I knew how their minds work. Or maybe their minds are not working.

???

September 19, 2003
9:50 pm
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Zinnie
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Hello folks,

Let me suggest something...

Perhaps you don't "need" a husband! Spend some time by yourselves and really get to know yourself. Learn to love and respect yourself first and foremost. Then, when you least expect it, you will meet some one. Perhaps for life, or maybe for a time.

But, remember, you are wonderful people, and you do not have to be married to be whole.

Also, remember... "no buts!"

Love,
Zinnie

September 21, 2003
12:09 am
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unhappy camper
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Artist 2....also a big thanks to your for sharing. That was generous of you. What is he attitude towards dealing with it? Did you have 'the talk' right away with him? I have just met a two men who don't have it but have volunteered to be with me but I never allowed it to happen. I aid no and blocked their emails. And if I only look at those who have it, there aren't too many around online, not in my age range and area.

Also, it would be so hard to touch another man. I am still "in love" with my husband. He is so horrible now to see. He is in the gutter. But he is a handsome sexy man. He has my heart. If only he could be normal and safe to be with.....

Damn!!!!! It's a killer. It's just killing me. Killing me....

September 21, 2003
2:22 pm
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Holdingon
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Unhappy Camper, thank you for the welcome. My situation is a little bit different from yours, so for me, holding on is alright. I've been reading "Co-Dependent No More" and I believe that holding on loosely is the path I should take. He's not a bad guy and he's done nothing to hurt me (other than asking for some time apart while he deals with a massive life-changing event). What I need to do is stop obsessing over the situation and letting it consume me.

What will be, will be. There is nothing I can do any longer to change the situation. I have told him how I feel, but the problem isn't me. The problem is how he feels and as much as I'd love to be able to change that, I can't.

For you Unhappy Camper, the advice people have given you, to take care of yourself is so true. I spent a great deal of time alone before I met this man and when I least expected it, I met him. No one has ever affected me the way that he has. I hold on to hope (albeit not easily sometimes) that this situation will resolve itself in a good way. In the meantime, I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm in counseling for my problems that I've ignored while we were together and I'm identifying the things I do in relationships over and over that aren't healthy. I'm concentrating on me. Your situation is much more difficult, however, if you can start taking baby steps to take care of yourself and concentrate on yourself, you'll see a difference for yourself. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

September 21, 2003
3:14 pm
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unhappy camper
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Hi holdingon

You say he effected you like no other....it's the same for me. However, I think my husband has BDP "Borderline Personality Disorder".

Check out the link below. You may find that some of his "specialness" is part of BDP including his epathy.

I like the idea of "holding on loosely". I think I have decided to try to do that for a while. I send him this link as well today and asked that he go and get tested. They have a treatment program and there is a waiting list for him to get on.

I'll just have to wait and see if he does.

http://www.palace.net/~llama/p.....h/bpd.html

You will have to cope this link into a new browser address bar. Let me know if you see any of him in that description.

September 24, 2003
12:47 pm
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artist 2
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Camper, sorry it's been a few days since I've visited here.

In answer to your question about "the talk" I never mention it until I feel right about getting that intimate. Then I weigh the situation: is he worth the intimacy? if I think he is, then he's worth telling the truth about it. I'm the good guy by giving him the choice. If he stays anyway, then it's good. If he leaves, then it's good too because it says how he feels about me.

make sense?

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