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I'm giving up
October 9, 2006
2:04 pm
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jastypes
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I’ve been swamped with work (full-time and part-time job), so I only took one day off – from my part-time job, which was Wednesday, to go to a Wednesday night church service.

I’m not sure how I am. I think I’m okay, but my eating has been out of control, and the whole money thing sucks. I worked and cleaned like a maniac all weekend. I journaled too, and my thoughts are disjointed and all over the place.

How weird would it be if I said I was okay with my life right now? I mean I know it’s not perfect – it’s far from perfect -- but I’m getting tired of striving for something that seems ethereal and unattainable. I’m tired of beating myself up daily because I can’t get it right. I’m tired of feeling like crap, not because life is crappy but because I keep falling short of my own goals. I don’t want to keep living for the future, and missing today. I’m working and striving and trying and doing and pushing and pulling and struggling. And then I always feel like I’m falling short and slipping and sliding and failing and disappointing God, myself and other people. And, quite frankly, I’m not having any fun!

I can’t seem to slow down and just enjoy a day, or a moment, or an event, or an activity. It was such a beautiful day yesterday, but I only know that from getting into the car to go to church, leaving church to get back into my car, stepping outside to let the dogs out, leaving home again to get back into my car to take the kids to a youth event.

And I don’t even want to get started on the subject of my mother, who in all likelihood has months rather than years to live at this point.

Probably more than you wanted to know, huh?

October 9, 2006
2:18 pm
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on my way
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HI Jas,
I understand what you are feeling, but I am sorry I do not have an answer for you, I wish that I did.

hugs.

October 9, 2006
2:30 pm
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StronginHim77
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jastypes -

Sounds as if you are battling some depression. The daily grind of living, surviving and functioning can get to all of us. Are you a single parent? Cause that sure can make it even harder...

Please don't think that you are disappointing God. He is not interested in our "performance," or good works. He is interested in our closeness to Him, our relationship with Him, our intimacy with Him. Never mistake "religious performance" for relationship with Him, OK? I am a police chaplain, so I apologize if I sound "preachy," but this is the sort of thing I counsel so many worn out people about.

Just rest in Him. REST. If it feels like anything BUT rest, then you need to step back and see if you are pushing yourself too hard, expecting too much of yourself. I am not talking about areas of sin. Obviously, we have to avoid known sin in our lives. But if you are feeling worn out, as if you just aren't "doing" enough, prayi

October 9, 2006
2:32 pm
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StronginHim77
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sorry...hit "send" by accident...

But if you are feeling worn out, as if you just aren't "doing" enough or getting enough done, you may be setting the bar too high, so to speak. We all need leisure time, rest time, peace time. Make sure you are taking some time, JUST FOR YOURSELF, to rest and relax. If necessary, stay home from church and sleep in...eat a lazy breakfast and indulge yourself in the Sunday comics. Give yourself permission to pamper yourself, OK? Instead of always doing the "right" thing???

- Strong

October 9, 2006
2:33 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Jastypes:

Take a break honey. Move slower. Think longer or don't think at all for an hour. Lay down and listen to some soothing music. (NOT guns n roses). 🙂

I think you are due for some daily relaxation technique. If you need the instructions let me know and I'll print them here. I have them stored.

October 9, 2006
2:37 pm
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jastypes
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Any time I lay down to rest, I fall asleep. And I can't afford to do that, because I haven't trained my children, and all the mess falls to me. Not to mention the typing work that has to get done.

For all intents and purposes, I am a single mom. Mark comes home on the weekends -- but he didn't even do that this weekend. I am struggling financially, emotionally and physically. I do suffer with depression, but I've been taking my meds. I don't even want to imagine what I'd be like without them!

jill

October 9, 2006
2:53 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((( Jill )))

I'm so sorry honey. I don't see how you do it. I think you're great.

October 9, 2006
3:26 pm
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jastypes
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Thanks, Mama. I am GREAT!!! LOL. Really, I'm okay. I just don't want to obsess about food anymore. I don't want to think about dieting, eating right, eating wrong, gluttony, being on a plan, exercise, water, etc. I just want to live today.

October 9, 2006
3:26 pm
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StronginHim77
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jastypes -

How old are your children?

October 9, 2006
5:21 pm
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jastypes
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Strong, I'm really embarrassed to even tell you, because I know full well that they could be doing most things on their own. I have not trained them well, and that's one of the areas I feel like a total failure in. I have 2 sons, ages 20 and 19; 2 daughters, ages 14 ans 12. One son works part-time in the evenings. They are all "special needs" children who have learning problems. The boys graduated from special schools, and one is also a diabetic who does not take care of himself.

My 14 year old daughter is my biggest helper, but I tend to think too much falls on her.

Like I said, just another area I feel like a failure in.

October 9, 2006
6:25 pm
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on my way
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hi Jas,

Now I think I understand what you mean and am going to answer because, I know that even for me personally, sometimes I look around and wonder "What has changed? Everything seems to be the same or getting worse no matter what I do or how much I pray." Then like a bat out of he**....the answer came, "Why do you feel like you have to be the strong one all of the time?" It wasn't a bat out of he**, but you know who it came from....,,,, I could only answer, Yes, I do, because if I am not then who will be?

And of course you know how it went from there. 🙂

I will share with you what I do, sometimes it works, sometimes not.....but when I keep my eyes on what is happening around me, I sink, because truthfully, right now, it is bad around me, I don't like where I am, where my boys are, where my family is....and all that this requires. To look at it all I fall deeper, and it is hard not to look at it, because control freak that I am, if I'm not looking, then my only logical answer is, it will ALL FALL APART. I wish I knew what the middle ground was, I can only think of Peter and the storm right now...but I do know that as long as we feel we have to be strong or no one else will...then we are in trouble!!!, or at least this is how it goes for now.

hugs dear buddy.

October 9, 2006
8:13 pm
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Paws4peace
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Hi Jastypes,

I don't know if this helps but just a thought that came to my mind.

We are what we think about. We also get what we think about. When we think about how things are,(I call it; "what-is")we get exactly that. We get more of "what-is". for example, this is one I know a lot about: If we think about getting out of debt. you would think that you would get out of debt, right? Well here is the catch: it doesn't matter whether we are thinking to get in debt or out of debt, if we are thinking DEBT, we will get just that, Debt. istead you could think "get $". We also need to be specific in what we want. How much do you want by when? for example.

To be happy, FOLLOW YOUR BLISS! do what makes you feel good, try to incorrporate your bliss into everything, that way it is a little easier to stay positive. for me, it is art and training dogs, when I study, I imagine my math homework as a picture, sure it is slower, but at least it makes it easier for me. or another example, I do not like to read alot(my mind wanders)so I try to imagine the characters as my dogs and make extra connections, I try to get in their head like I try to do with my dogs.

also God does not look at how much we do, or even how well we do. He only looks at the intents of our hearts. EVERY SOUL IS GREAT IN THE SIGHT OF GOD!!that is what I think, SORRY!, I don't mean to sound preachy.

I hope that makes sense and I hope I helped any. I want more than anything for you to be happy, I can feel your sweet spirit from here. I will smile and think of you tonight!
I hope things get better for you!

HUGS!!

Paws

October 13, 2006
2:36 pm
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jastypes
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Just updating. Since I "gave up", I've been feeling much better -- lighter actually. I've taken the pressure off of myself to get it all right. The good news is that I haven't bounced a check since my last pay (a chronic problem for me). I didn't go anywhere this week. I did stay at home and do typing work every night. I have a project I'm finishing tonight, and my boss is bringing more work for the weekend. But I told him no more than 20 pages on Sunday because I'm going to church, and I'm going to visit my mom.

October 14, 2006
6:40 pm
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Randomwomen2
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(((Jastypes))) I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is to take care of yourself.

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