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I'm Giving My All. What now do I do?
October 4, 2001
10:36 pm
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pg lova
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As I write this, I have been going through heavy trial and tribulation. Close to a year ago I found out that my mother was diagnosed with Lupus and that is a very serious disorder of the body. She is very loving, in fact my childhood and adolescent memories are filled with the sweet things that she has done for me. In fact, if not for her a lot of things I had growing up, I wouldn't have. Like Christmas presents. She was a house wife and my father wasn't going to buy us any presents (don't get me wrong, he made sure we had what we needed, but he was working two jobs to keep a roof over our heads so our mother could be there for us ie coming home from school, to attend school events, etc.) Anyway, she did both. She was a house wife and she took a job just to make sure we had presents. With Lupus, sometimes it attacks her brain cells and she is just a totally different person. Sometimes, she gets very enraged over little things that don't usually bother her and its sudden and comes from nowhere. I cry! I can't stand seeing my mom go through Lupus. My dad was talking about eventually how her body will be broken up because Lupus is debilitating. There have been nights that I have just laid awake and cried at the thought. I know Lupus can be fatal and my worst nightmare is getting a call that my mother is dead. My father said that they agreed they wouldn't tell me or my siblings so not to upset us, but he slipped up and said it one day when we were riding in his van and he was upset with what was going on. She is on my mind constantly and I sometimes grieve so severely that I cry hard late at night and can't sleep. When I'm home, I do everything I can to help her, and me being in school she was working 3 jobs with Lupus to keep me in school. We've had some near scares. One time she had a big black spot on her foot and she had to be screened for cancer. When I was told, I was deeply distressed. Thank God it wasn't Cancer, now their question is what was it? I just can't write anymore, I.m almost crying now. I do what I can to help her, I love her. It feels like as her health is slowly deteriorating, a part of me is all the more rapidly!

October 4, 2001
11:05 pm
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gingerleigh
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I'm so sorry PGL. I don't know what to say or what words of comfort to offer other than you are so very lucky to have such a loving and caring mother who loves you so, and she is super-duper lucky to have a child who cares for her so much and *appreciates* everything she's done.

Spend time with her, tell her how much she means to you, and continue to build your own life to make yourself the best person you can be. It will make her so proud to know that no matter what, she brought such an excellent human being into the world.

(((PGLOVA)))

October 5, 2001
11:48 am
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pg lova
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Thanks Gingerleigh,

The post I wrote last night, was b/c that's how I was feeling. I get that way sometimes. Rare episodes sneak up on me where I just get real down because of what my mother is going through. Life just isn't the same. Like, she never had any problems with her eyes in her life. She's always had excellent vision. Now, she's wearing eye glasses to drive at night. Lord, this battle is uphill. But as with all things, I know God has the answer and that therefore it will be all right. I hope it will, sometimes I wonder if even my faith is strong enough to bring me through this issue. I visit her, I cook for her, clean for her, I spend a lot of time with her. Basically, I'm doing all I can. What else can I do now, after I've done all I can?

October 5, 2001
12:07 pm
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Molly
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Just like your doing getting emotional support for your self, you can't give and give and give, with out getting some back. Care takers have to put on that cheery face, do all the good deads, and put there fear and pain aside for a while, and that is hard. you have been blessed with a good mom, and you are a phenonmal daughter, see what she taught you. Celebrate the moments that you have with her, know how much it does help her, and do what you can.
There are just some aspects of life, that we can't controll, but make the most out of the situation. Bless you

October 5, 2001
2:13 pm
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Ladeska
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I think we get used to things being the way they are - when things are good....but as we look around us in this world - we find we are very lucky and have been very, very priviledged to have had the moments, the days, the years of peace or love or happiness or safety... Life as we perceive it sometimes - is just our slice of life - at the time. So we often get mad at God, get disgusted with ourselves, wonder how in the world this could happen to us - when in all reality - the opposite is true... "how could we have been so blessed for as long as we were - given the real condition of this world and this life and how vulnerable we all are..." That is what we should really focus on and marvel at.

We take alot of things for granted and then can't stand the pain of withdrawal when it is gone or is fading. That's really, really tough - but I'm going to talk tough to you here - because I do care... Sometimes life appears to be unfair but the deal is - no one ever said it was in the first place. That is just the bubble we built around ourselves because we could and because we have had a rather priviledged life in the good ole US of A. But as we can now see - we've been rather spoiled, too and life for others - hasn't had an ounce of what we've ever had. And their pain is real, too - the pain of never having, maybe they had the dream - but it was never realized.

We - have had the dream - but like all things on this earth - at some point everything and everyone is vulnerable to the things that will attack us - physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. We are all at risk the minute we pop into this world.

So, yes - it hurts when we poke our head out of our hole and really take in what this life and this world is capable of being to us and hurts especially bad because we remember - what we had. If we never had - we wouldn't know what to miss, but we do. And this is where you find yourself with your mom.

All I can tell you is what Molly said and to also say that - we need to live in the present moment - so very much and to really be - all there. Just like you couldn't really appreciate all the times that you were sick and your mom took care of you or when you were a little bratty sometimes and you're mother endured - she can't see what you are doing for her and appreciate it as much as you want her to either - but it's all love.....and you will always wrestle with letting her go - but loving is also walking down that hall with her and holding your head and her head up - sort of like in the movie - Life is Beautiful. If you haven't seen it - go rent it but not the sub-title one. ugh.

Our character gets tested when times are rough and God is there just like He's always been - but growing hurts...letting go hurts - change really hurts. No one ever said this life wasn't about change though, we just sort of thought that...

If who your mom was to you - is to live on - then you have to incorporate it in how you breathe in and breathe out here. You have to put on your dancing shoes and not dance as in a performance - but dance "from the heart" a most beautiful dance. Not one that is pitying yourself or her - but one that is celebrating life. Rent the movie or watch it again and understand what I am saying here.

Love endures because it is capable of weeding out all impurities - therefore in the end is capable of the most elegant dance steps - that no one could ever teach you - they are of the heart and the soul, full of grace, full of dignity, full of honor, full of poise. You are her ballerina now and you need to position yourself, head up, breathe deeply and dance....as you have never danced before. This...is your present - to her and ultimately to yourself.

October 5, 2001
2:39 pm
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pg lova
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Thanks Ladeska and Molly,

Oh Molly, I'm her SON not daughter :-). But Molly, I agree with what you said that I have to seek support for myself as well as give it, thank you for that advice, it really helps more than you could ever know. Ladeska, thank you. Even though like you said, it may seem tough that you said it like that, i is true. I have gotten used to the good days. And don't get me wrong, we still share good times. My mother isn't disabled or falling apart, not yet thank God. I am just fearful of what lies ahead for her. Life is sweet with her being there and I feel like I'd lose a part of me without her being in my life. But like you said, our character is tested through rough times, and amen to that. This has got to be the hardest test for me to pass, but I'm doing okay. I talked to my mother on the phone last night and I was so relieved just to talk to her.

The hardest thing for me to take was when I was 19 and I was living there and she was just diagnosed. She had an outbreak where she was just perpetually angry all day and was lashing out at us. Later on that week, she said "Son, I know that there are times that I drive you crazy because some things are going on that you don't understand, but I love you." I almost cried and hugged her. Did she know that I understood perfectly? My dad wasn't supposed to tell me or any of my other siblings. I cried half the night that night. I'm going, I'm almost crying again.

October 5, 2001
2:50 pm
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Cici
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Hi PGL,

I totally sympathize with what you're going through. When I was 19 (22 now), my Dad was first diagnosed with congestive heart failure and a terminal and progressive disease of the spine (I can't even imagien how to spell it, sorry!). Knowing that he is terminally ill is difficult. You get that burden of guilt, the longing for things to just be as they were before.

One good thing to think about is loans for school. The interest rates are low, and it can help your parents out a lot. Talk to a financial aid counselor at school. My husband got a pell grant after we married, and if your parents stop claiming you as a dependent you may be able to get one too, which you don't have to pay back.

I had to get loans after my Dad was diagnosed because he could no longer look after family finances and my Mom had just had surgery on a tumor in her throat at the time. Now I don't ask them for money at all and it's a burden off their shoulders. It may be helpful, just a thought.

C

October 6, 2001
8:22 pm
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pg lova
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Hi Cici,

Thanx for responding. It helps just knowing that other readers are out there who can understand what I'm feeling right now. As for the loans, my mother's not paying for school anymore, I got a full scholarship. But, she was prior to my getting the scholarship, but I would do that if it came to it. I have come to the decision that I will seek counseling for my pain, I have to help myself out in that respect, that's something no one else can do for me.

PG Lova

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