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I'M FALLING APART
November 19, 2001
12:44 pm
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pam g fu
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THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH TO HANDLE RIGHT NOW AND I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS CRAP THAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

November 19, 2001
1:09 pm
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Molly
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Breath breath breath. Get it out here, write one by one just what it is, let it out. Your only human, and if your on over load, ditch it all, at least for today. Everything can wait. Now breath.

November 19, 2001
1:13 pm
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pam g fu
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EASIER SAID THAT DONE. I CAN'T FIGHT THE TEARS OFF AND I JUST CAN'T AFFORD TO BE LIKE THIS AT WORK I CAN'T GET A HOLD OF IT. NEED TO GET CONTROL HERE. I FEEL LIKE A WATER FAUCET SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE REALY SOON BUT I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO TO GET PEACE OF MIND AND JUST PUT ALL THIS OUT OF MY MIND JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE WOULD BE WONDERFUL THANKS FOR THE KIND WORDS MOLLY,

November 19, 2001
1:14 pm
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pam g fu
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YOU KNOW JUST A HUG AND SAYING THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE ALLRIGHT WOULD BE WONDERFUL A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT WOULD REALLY WORK RIGHT NOW.

November 19, 2001
1:20 pm
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Molly
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(((((Pam g fu ))))) it will be ok, I promise. God never gives us more than we can handle, ugh ugh we aren't supposed to question that right ? Wish I had some jasmine for you to take a wiff of, some aromatherapy to help booster that smile. I am so sorry your having a rough one. I know how hard it can be to focus, one of those times to pretend to be more male like than female like. Its hard, but you can get through today.

November 19, 2001
4:21 pm
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pam g fu
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thanks

November 19, 2001
6:01 pm
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Ladeska
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Pam....what's going on with you on a daily basis....speak to us. What's twirling you around? Stop spinning and get it out of you....

When I was in a position years ago - trying to get away from someone and had made the decision in my mind - but had so many things to do until - I really walked out. It was like - things got worse after I made the decision. It was like the fire turned up in intensity. And, on a spiritual level - I'm so sure it did. Wasn't my imagination at all. Have seen that scenario/equation played out too many times.

So, you have to be wise here about what you're up against. You can call it whatever you want to - but - it happens. And it helped me tremendously to realize it - while it was happening to me. It was almost like because I realized it - I was stronger, or was able to get a handle on things. I think before that - I just felt like the walls were caving in on me for no reason except - this is my freaking life and the way it goes!!!

But, there was a pattern to things and I started noticing it, in fact I noticed that early on in my life when I was in all my abuse at home. If I tried to get help or reach out in some way - things would intensify to where I would be worn down again. And this is not to say that my abusers knew I was reaching out to someone. It was like something supernatural just reached up and tried to pull me down, deeper.... And when I recognized that - it gave me strength because then I thought...hm,m,m....why you want "me" so bad, eh? So, I started - not going with the flow, not biting into the panic, not listening to the noise and all the growls and snarls and not giving into the pain after one or two blood baths. I started holding my head up and going - hm,m,m....I must be worth something after all if you're going to come at me like that, so uh - maybe I should learn how to fight better.....

You're fighting defensively, Pam and what I'm talking to you about is learning to fight offensively....inside your spirit. Turn around inside yourself and face your enemy....see him for who he is and know what he has come for and why.

Hugs? Of course, you can get hugs from us here.....and everything will be okay if you concentrate, even in the thick of things here - on how to be a warrior....most important.

November 20, 2001
9:33 am
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pam g fu
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ya'll just being here helps more than you can imagine. I know it will be okay and i am already taking celexa don't know what else i can get, but i am going to call have a long weekend ahead it is just going to be tough not to have my son at our thanksgiving meal.

November 20, 2001
10:46 am
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pam g fu
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Ladeska

Everything is hitting me at once. My son is in jail my husband is a jerk and there isn't any place for me to go to so that I can leave. I am stuck. I don't have the money to pick up and start all over but if i don't do something soon i don't know what will happen. The main issue is with my son and these things take time and it just breaks my heart and my husband just verbally hurts me everyday. I just want to run away and be happy with people who love and appreciate me for me.

November 20, 2001
10:52 am
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Ladeska
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Pam.....you don't have anyone you can go stay with or maybe to a domestic violence shelter. This is abuse, even if it's only verbal. You need to get away - somewhere.... You need a break, rest, and TLC. Think, isn't there someone...family, friends? I know where you are and it's not fun. You feel your strength going away a little every day....you need to do something even if it's for a few days.

November 20, 2001
11:28 am
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pam g fu
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Yes i am beaten down and need some time to come back up and it is hard to do when you keep getting pounded on every day i have even thought about going to a hotel but who wants to be by themself like this

November 20, 2001
11:30 am
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artist 2
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You're doing the right thing telling us. The more you talk about it, the less it stays in your head.

November 20, 2001
12:12 pm
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pam g fu
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I know but i need to get rid of it and do something about i need to act on it a solution

November 20, 2001
12:28 pm
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Molly
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I say go for the hotel, done it many times, yea its sorta sad if you put that frame around it, but its also a treat, freedom peace and quiet, go some where nice, around nature, water, enjoy the scenery. You can't make a plan, when your head is being toyed with. You just need some fresh air, and space. Then the ideas start popping in your head. Just pick a city that you have always wanted to go to and if you can go there for the hotel room, and start the dream. Its amazing how once you get the focus point, and keep a commitment to that focus point, hubby can't rock your world as much, of course he will try harder because you have hidden your buttons, that he is used to pushing, but it takes two to dance, and if your busy making your dream come true, you don't have the time or energy to dance. So, go, get news papers from all over, get coffee in bed, get a movie from the hotel tv, go out to eat, or get take out, and eat that in bed with your fuzzy socks on. Make it a Pam vacation. Sure it hurts that son got him self where he is, but he did it, not you, hear that mom, he did it, not you. Its a tough lesson, but maybe he can grow from this. Be optimistic, be positive for him, put that love energy into you right now.

November 20, 2001
3:04 pm
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pam g fu
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Molly: Well i plan on doing something special but it is hard not to worry about your son harris county jail is one of the worst ones for treating prisoners like animals

November 20, 2001
4:20 pm
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Molly
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I hear ya. No place for your flesh and blood. I am so sorry. You just keep the faith, say those prayers, keep him in that mental protective bubble, with the white light all around him. He will pick up real fast what to do and what not to do. Just keep that focus of protection around him, and remember you can't stop living, you must carry on, so that you can be there for him when he gets out. Have as much faith as you can generate.

November 20, 2001
4:41 pm
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Ladeska
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Go to a hotel, Pam, get some clarity, some peace....it will help...

November 21, 2001
10:26 am
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pam g fu
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Blondie i would love to but i don't know what the air fare are doing right now

November 21, 2001
11:04 am
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SuzyQ
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Pam,
I agree with everyone about the hotel thing. Especially if there is a pool and hot tub. Spa services would even be good too(if possible). It doesn't sound like you can change your son's situation right now. Providing him with that positive mental and spiritual energy sounds like the best thing right now.

November 21, 2001
11:11 am
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pam g fu
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I'M BETTER THAN YESTERDAY BUT THE TEARS ARE STILL HERE AND ALL YOUR HUGS HAVE HELPED ME GREATLY BUT HOPEFULLY THE TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER TOMORROW AND THE HUGS FROM HER WILL REALLY DO ME A WORLD OF GOOD.

BLONDIE: HUGS AND KISSES TO YOU AND YOURS.

November 21, 2001
11:30 am
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Ladeska
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Pam....bottomline here is - you have to change your environment. After the holidays - it's just not an option anymore to wait. You can't do this, it's not working. Staying in the situation as it is - isn't okay. Something has to change or you are going to go under.

Sometimes in life....things can't line up perfectly. People seem to wait on that one. Or they say - well, it should line up 80% the way I want or okay, I'll go for 75%. Sometimes, it's 50-50 or less and you have to jump anyways because desperate times call for desperate measures. All I know is - you're not okay where you are with life as it is.

Yes, you need to think as rationally and calmly as possible about options and planning the future...so, what I suggest is - you need to lay out here what your immediate needs are and maybe we can help you sort things out. You can't sit and spin anymore, Pam, just isn't going to work. Your emotions are ruling your life and that's not going to work either. So, let's problem solve here together.

For you to change things - what needs to happen, lay it all out....

November 21, 2001
11:50 am
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Ladeska
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When I've been in situation like this - the one thing that I move away from like the plague is - being paralyzed. I recognize the danger in that one and will not let myself go into emotional shock. What I do is lay out my options on the table. None of them may be that good, but the way I look at it is - staying where I am isn't an option. And you have to get to that point to of defining when enough is enough and when you get to that point - there's no going back. You've defined that you are in deep water and that you can't stay there - period, no ifs or ands or butts. So, that's the first step and you absolutely have to make it.

Then when you look at the options, that may not be so good - same thing - I don't have a choice here - I have to choose one, implement it, see if it's somewhat workable, if it isn't, I pick up the next one and try it and so on and so on. The law of averages are with you actually, but you have to stay in the ring and you have to have the mindset of - I'm not going to back - to where I was - no matter what!

You have to keep picking up the problem and working solutions constantly. It's called critical thinking. You may look at something and go - well, I may have to sell my car in order to get money to have a roof over my head. People who spin might go - um, no, can't do that, so I'm sunk....stop thinking. Well, as far as priorities go - what's more important, a place to live or a car? You can get a bike, hitch a ride with someone or take public transportation... Just an example of working the problem.. You do have to prioritize.

I remember being back on the East coast a few years and I was miserable!! Had moved back there to be around family (big mistake!) and I stayed there for two years. I didn't have the money to move back here to the West coast. And I felt trapped. But, once I decided - I'm NOT staying in this crap anymore, it's too painful - then I looked at my options. I had to sell everything I had and start over basically. God also provided me with money after I quit my job, just had a friend out of the blue email me and said - God said to send you this, don't know why, but feel like you need it, don't worry about paying me back, was a gift to me and now a gift to you. She also drove across country with me so I wasn't alone and split the cost of all that as well. But, when I got here, I had nothing and mean nothing. Ground zero. My clothes, my pictures and that was it. Had a few boxes, about 10 that were shipped to me, but still - not much in them but personal stuff. So, I did the thrift store thing and realized - hey, you don't really "need" alot to survive with. I'm a camper at heart, so it didn't really bother me. I make do, always have. But, what was important to me was my quality of life and once I made the choice to change it - things happened, doors opened and I made choices, based on what was important to me. When I get to that point - I have this attitude of - I'm coming through, taking no prisoners and I "will arrive". Wasn't always like that but decided at one point, there was no other way to live - it's called survival.

And you have to adopt that attitude to, sooner or later here, hopefully "sooner" than later. You can't yo-yo, sweetie, and you can't spin and you can't stay in emotional shock. You've got to fight your way out of this. So, hey - even if the options don't look that good - staying in the situation you're in isn't working, is it? something has to give and you can't give anymore....can hear the "snap" coming...

Hope you do have some special time during your Thanksgiving...please know that when things get bad - you don't have to stay around, just walk out. You're not a prisoner and you don't need to act like one. I know you're sad about your son, but he made his choices and you are going to have to let him deal with the consequences and dig his way out as well. Otherwise - all your "petting" and enabling - will hurt him more than help him. Time to take care of "you"....so be about it. You've put this off long enough in your life. Being a martyr doesn't become you.

November 21, 2001
12:47 pm
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pam g fu
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LADESKA:

I HAVE AS FRIEND THAT HAS OFFERED ME A PLACE TO STAY UNTIL CAN GET MYSELF A PLACE TO LIVE. YOU ARE SWEET TO TAKE THE TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY AND GIVE ME YOUR KNOWLEDGE WHICH AT MY AGE I SHOULD KNOW ALL THESE THINGS, BUT I AM LEARNING EVERYDAY AND I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING ME AND MY DAUGHTER ARE VERY CLOSE AND THE ONLY REASON WE FIGHT IS BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE TREATS ME AND THAT I ALLOW THIS. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE TAKEN A GOOD LICK ALSO. LOL

November 21, 2001
1:59 pm
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Molly
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It is so true, you are bent and twisted, frustrated, belittled, angry, fubared, While your with him. Can't see the water in the muck. You will be amazed how when you get away for a week and two if you can, how you get back to the real you. The only thing that keeps me balanced is that I can put up walls most of the time, and put my self in that special place, only because I did get away, and with the slow side into hell, you can't really grasp what your loosing or lost once your nest is made. But haveing the close connection to what can be when the reality of Sybil hits, I go to my special emotional place, of course it is difficult stepping through the land mines, but its only for a short while longer.
Do your self a big favor, just go. Make your daughter proud

November 21, 2001
2:39 pm
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pam g fu
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My daughter is proud and that keeps me going she loves me alot.

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