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Im Co-dependent
June 2, 2005
12:40 am
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camra
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Hello, I am new to this forum. Something resently happend to me that has made me realize that I am co-dependent. Its a long story but I started depending on a very dear friend of mine becasue I was in so much pain. well consequently he is now very angery at me I don't know if I have lost his friendship for ever or not, I am assumming I have. Although I realzie this is not really entirly my fault because It does take 2 I need to find away to understand the difference between what is too much to tell aperson about yourself and what isn't,,,,
This sort of thing has been happening all my life, I am very very confused,,,

Can anyone help.. Please ...

thank you
camra

June 2, 2005
12:33 pm
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camra
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Can anyone out there help ?????

June 2, 2005
12:37 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Camra,

I would like to try to help you if I can....but I think a little more information is needed.

What has caused the rift in the friendship?

You say that you "assume" the friendship is over...do you know that for sure?

If you give a little more detail, we will be better able to point you in the right direction.

Lolli

June 2, 2005
12:52 pm
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CAMER
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sounds like maybe you told him the truth, maybe something he wasn't able to accept?? not sure??? how long have you both been going together???

June 3, 2005
12:41 am
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camra
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No, this is actually very complicated, see there was a misunderstanding over an email.. thats what lead to it all, but now I realize I have asked wayyyyyyy too much of this person. And I have told this person way too much about myself.This is a freind that I care about alot. But I have been in a lot of pain here latly. my life is soooo unstable but I keep working towards better and yet his idea of what needs to be done and mine are different because of religous differences. Its plain stupid of me to tell him whats going on with me when I know he can't do anything about it. I care about this person very much,,, I think He has just had enough of me and my problems,,,

how much is too much to tell someone???

Thank you for your replyes It is greatly appricated..

camra

June 3, 2005
1:04 am
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angel4U
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camra -

You said: "... And I have told this person way too much about myself" ... and also asked: "how much is too much to tell someone???" ... so it sounds like because you shared your deeper feelings about things with him and now you are fighting, you are worried if you can trust him with the information. For me, how much I tell someone is based on how much i trust them and their character. And someone with good character will never blab about anything you tell them ... no matter how strange and different it is.

Unfortunately, though, after we have "shared all" and then fight with someone ... that trust seems to take a HUGE nosedive right into the swamp and we sometimes become paranoid that they will "tell all" to everyone. Is this what you are worried about?

I could be wrong, but it also sounds to me that you are feeling like you have over-burdened him with your problems (?), and you think he got frustrated at you about it. This does happen sometimes (I have felt it about others, and others have felt it about me) ... I look at it as we all have issues of our own to work through, so when a person starts to depend on me too much, I start to feel drained and used up a little. But I also know that it is my job to set boundaries then and let the person know, rather than get angry and walk away.

One way to attempt to fix all of this is to let your friend know that his friendship means alot to you. And ask them what is troubling them, and if he feels you were depending on him too much. And if so, ask him what a good balance is for him so that you can continue your friendship in way that you are both comfortable.

Also, you wrote: "his idea of what needs to be done and mine are different because of religous differences ..."

We all have differences of opinions (that's what makes us all so unique ... =)) ...but I am "guessing" (?) that the misunderstanding you spoke of was due to one of these differences ... and that there was an argument about it (?) A quick way to end these arguments is to respect eachother's differences, and agree to disagree. It might also help you to start reaching out to others that share your own religious perspectives on things if you think you will feel more comfortable in the guidance they provide.

Just some thoughts for ya,

angel4u

June 3, 2005
1:37 am
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camra
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angel4u, thank you for your reply. I have come to realize that because I love my son so much, I don't let him know about any kind of problems I have. (my son is 20 years old) I protect him because I love him sooooo much. And I have suddenly realized that maybe thats the way I should be with my good and closest friends.

Oh, Im such a ditz head sometimes..

camra

June 3, 2005
1:55 am
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angel4U
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camra -

I would not say to withhold your emotions from your good friends ... how will they ever know who you are, or ever be able to support & comfort you when you needed them if you did that??? That's actually what all of us are trying to avoid ... emotionally unavailable people.

But I think balance is important. Balance how much and how often we share our worries with someone, and how much we ask of them (as far as their time, patience, advise, etc.). And also know that one person will never have all the answers for us ... sometimes we need to reach out to others.

For instance, to only share pain & problems and no joy with someone leads to us being viewed as only negative or problematic (or sometimes a real wreck ... =)) ... Or to only go to someone with problems, or when we have problems, makes others feel used. Or to go to someone and expect them to "fix" our problems, rather than simply asking for advise, puts what should be our responsibility onto someone else's shoulders (and that's not fair).

Now, I haven't a clue if you are doing any of this ... it was just a hunch from what you wrote.

Does that make sense?

June 3, 2005
2:02 am
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angel4U
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Added note:

Although I am not sure what types of problems you are referring to, and I may be out of line saying this ... I see not sharing information with your son a little differently.

As I see it, by withholding your true feelings/worries from your son, you are taking away from him the ability to learn that it is ok to have problems (to humble himself, so to speak, to others and himself that also have problems) ... and the ability to understand that problems do not have to mean the end of the world ... that they can be worked through with the support, love and comfort of others.

June 3, 2005
2:21 am
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angel4U
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camra -

Something else just came to mind when you said "protect" ... I do understand that sometimes we have issues that we might think are too scarey for someone to hear (e.g. I have never told some of my friends things about my past because I do not know, based on their history, if they could even comprehend or handle it). If you feel this way, then maybe it is best to take these things to someone that will be able to understand (a counselor, church counselor, etc.). Whatever you have been through, others have too ... and there is always someone out there that will understand and that can help you get through it. You'd be surprised how many people have had similar experiences as we have had, but never talk about them ... once I learned that, it was like a huge burden was lifted right off my shoulders. That's what this site has done for me as well. Although I don't wish hurts on anyone, it certainly helps to know that others have been there too ... and that there is a light at the end of every tunnel if we keep reaching out to find it.

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