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I'm co-dependent as heck
March 8, 2007
7:50 pm
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blueray
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Hi everyone. It's my first time here. I have been reading Melodie Beattie's book on Co-dependency. I just got out of a relationship couple of weeks ago. It was awful. Both of us were co-dependent on each other. I have been feeling disconnected from myself ever since. I cannot believe I stayed with someone for so long who I allowed to treat me like crap. I always felt like I had to prove myself to him. Everytime I did something good he would looked for something bad in me and judged me on it. I was walking on eggshells. He would get so depressed sometimes that it would be hard to walk away. Even, if he treated me like crap. He would go days without talking to me. I feel so uncomfortable at times like i'm just going to break down and cry. I can't stand that I feel like he needs me. Sometimes I feel like i'm going to give in and go back to him. I know he is expecting it. When will I really feel confident. Everytime I think I got it right...I mess up again.

March 8, 2007
8:19 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Blueray~

I'm sorry for the crappy life you've had with your SO. Yes, detachment is not easy. But it gets better overtime.

If you login coda.org, it would give you a listing of coda meetings worldwide. I would recommend you to attend them to give you the courage and will to detach and have not contact with your SO.

Furthermore, if you join No Contact Club thread here, by simply reading and posting there, I'm pretty sure, it would help you in your journey.

Welcome and happy journey and healing! ~R

March 8, 2007
8:40 pm
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blueray
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Thank you
Saturday will be my 30th birthday. This will be the first time i've gone out in over a year. I'm excited about it but nervous at the same time. I think it's because I'm going to be nervous hanging out with my friends without my SO. Everyone will have there's but me. It sucks. My SO and me work together. Isn't that horrible. Today he gave me a picture of Me, him and his son blown up really huge. He actually didn't give it to me. He called me on my cellphone and told me to go to undisclosed location to pick it up. I was so upset. He has been trying to manipulate me and this one time just took the cake. His sister in law called me today and he's been telling his parents we are still together. They have been asking him where I am. He hasn't said. He just told his son about me ending the relationship last friday. He told me he has his son praying we will get back together. I haven't called him but he's called me. I don't know I'm just frustrated and my sister yells at me every few seconds. She keeps asking me why do I care about him. Dude! I just broke up with him on 2/14/07. I still love him..at least I think I do. I think I'm in love with the person I first met. He was an alcoholic. He stopped drinking after he met me. My dad was an alcoholic too. My dad treated my mom so bad for so long. They are still together and he still does. I said I would never let a man treat me that way. I did to. I knew the moment our relationship changed. 3/10/07 my birthday. Everytime I tried to intitate sex with him he said his stomach hurt. Then he told me it was against his religion to have sex before marriage. We had already had sex before. He just stopped. He was controlling from the start. I should have seen the signs. I'm rambling sorry. I just feel really sad today. I wish this would be over completely.

March 8, 2007
9:27 pm
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2shy
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hi blueray,

I completely understand how you feel. I have been with my ex for four years, he is a gambler, and I just broke up with him last Saturday. He was similar to SO, in that he is able to crush my self esteem. What I want to tell you is that it is essential that you stay away from him. The longer you stay with him the more power you will give him and he will continue to treat you as bad or even worse in the future. The minute you reconcile, he'll be on his best behaviour and then he'll go back to his old ways. I am talking based on my experience. My ex and I have had SOOOOO many break ups, but because I have always gone back to him, he continued to go back to his old behaviour. He figures that I will go back to him since I have tolerated so much from him already.

It took me four years to get to this stage. I read so many self help books, like Codependence No More, Women Who Love Too Much, Walking On Eggshells and many others. I also went for therapy for about a year. This website is another good tool. I tried to go to codependence annonymous meeting once but I couldn't stop crying the whole time and then I never went back.

Be true to yourself, you deserve to be treated with respect and don't settle for anything less.

Resist the urge to talk to him.

March 8, 2007
9:27 pm
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blueray
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I called him. I'm so mad at myself but I really wanted to call him and say STOP! trying to get me back. I asked him to go to counseling. Not just to help us but to help himself. He said counseling wouldn't work. Nothing helps! nothing helps! He always said he couldn't take being in a relationship because everyone messes up. every one cheats. Everyone lies. Well you know what I never cheated. We didn't have sex for a year and I never cheated on him. I was going to wait until we got married but then if I said I curse word or two he said I sounded ghetto. if someone looked at me he always said I was flirting first. Whats the point of thinking about this crap.....it hurts to much.

March 8, 2007
10:55 pm
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PiercedRose
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i know how you feel. don't beat urself up about calling. i just called my ex for the first time in 3wks and i felt bad about it too.

healing will come in time, the main thing is realizing that nothing he does is ur fault. the comments he makes about u cheating or lying--i've heard them all too, and i was faithful to him for 3 1/2 yrs, 6 months of which he was in prison and i didnt even SEE him. so please don't beat urself up.

ur not stupid, ur not crazy, ur not insane...ur in love with a man that's no good to u or himself. i've been there hon, still here. it'll get better...it has to.

((blueray))

March 11, 2007
1:25 pm
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thedogsmom
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welcome blueray-

to the wonderfully sad world of other codependents who sadly have the same roller-coaster relationship problems that you know too well.
I'm sorry that you suffered and still suffer from the heartbreak. I do feel I know what you are going through.
"I can't believe that I stayed with someone so long- who I allowed to treat me like crap".
"I can't stand that I feel like he needs me".
"sometimes I feel like I'm going to give in and go back to him"
" it-(the relationship) was awful!sometimes I feel so uncomfortable like I'm going to break down and cry."

It's not easy to end any relationship. Even one that has been so rocky and AWFUL. It hurts to give up on dreams and it feels bad to 'hurt' others- even when they hurt us ALL the time-- and even when we know hurting them (breaking-up)will help us to heal and bring peace back into our lives.
We all here are having trouble- re-wiring our codependent brains to START looking out for ourselves and to STOP feeling so Responsible or trying to Control and FIX a situation that WE don't have the control over.

I think you are doing the right thing here. You need to keep posting so you can feel good about your decision to break up and gather the strength to keep your word to YOURSELF that you don't want to take his CRAP anymore.

He won't let you get away easily. They know they can usually persuade us or wait long enough for us to CAVE IN and give them another chance (to break our hearts- and dissapoint us again). He will use that 'guilt' button by using that child of his or Whatever it may take to get you to take him back. But I'm hoping that you will have more strength than me--to stick to your guns and keep saying no-more! Enough is enough! You have had multiple chances with me. Nothing is changing for me. I am still miserable with our fighting and your actions...and I want OUT!.

I too 'wish this could be over completely". But hey-- we only have the power to end it. How? by crying our heads off- and listening this time to our heads and the wonderful advice of others here who already went through all of this--- and then taking ACTION-- and HOLDING OUR GROUND. If you really want it to be over-- you have to end it. You are the only one who can end it. A relationship can't continue with only one person in it. Your sister just wants the best for you. She doesn't understand- mine wouldn't either. She would just tell and expect me to just leave the sucker and move on--- but she isn't living my life-- doesn't know my feelings. I have to live my own life. I have to make the very difficult decision and stick to it--IF I ever want peace. You have to do the same.
So come here. WRite out your feelings. and try to keep reading and being strong and sticking to what you know will bring you peace.
TDM

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