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I'm back with an update
September 29, 2008
7:05 pm
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jayhawks
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A few months ago I met a woman from an online dating service. I posted here and asked advice about co-dependency, and about the things this woman told me about her ex-boyfriend. I came here searching for advice and answers, and so many of you helped me understand co-dependency. This woman was in a 10-year relationship with an addict (he was in and out of rehab for crack cocaine and alcohol) that constantly cheated on her. She had moved to "take care of him" after he was clean and sober.

In any event, we dated for about 4 months and were falling in love. We exchanged those words several times per day. A few weeks ago she said he hadn't reached out to her ex but would like to be his friend one day. I thought this was strange and asked her why she would ever want to be friends with a cheating ex-boyfriend that was going nowhere and was still using drugs. Why she wanted to be friends with someone that added no value to her life whatsoever and only caused pain. I didn't approach this as a jealous boyfriend, because I wasn't. I'm not sure if I ever received an answer, but she agreed, or seemed to agree with the point I was making.

The last few weeks we have had a few of the normal disagreements you have while in a relationship. We've never fought and things were going extremely well. However, there have been some things where I've had to draw the line. For instance, while we are sleeping she has to have constant contact. I simply can't sleep that way and told her this. She cried herself to sleep on a few occasions. I felt horrible and we talked about it. She also told me that she wants to call me all day long and hasn't because she knows I am so busy with work. When I see her on the weekends (I live about 230 miles away from her) I never seemed to get a moment to myself, but she has come around and realizes I need a few moments per day to just be by myself, and unfortunately from time to time do some work.

During these 4 months, her ex-boyfriend was hardly ever a topic of conversation, but it did come up today. I asked her a few questions and asked for her honesty. She told me she missed him and felt the urge to reach out to him to make sure he was doing well. I am not going to go into all the details of what was said and the debate we had, but she agreed with much of the things I said, and told me she will seek some help.

In the end, I also decided to give her plenty of space and stop seeing her (for now) and see if she can come to some realizations about her relationships and what she wants out of life.

Just wanted to share with those of you that posted in my original thread and gave me advice.

September 29, 2008
7:09 pm
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jayhawks
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PS I can't lie, I hurt right now. I think by sharing this story has helped me get this off my chest and has made me feel better. Thanks for reading my story.

September 29, 2008
8:15 pm
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sad sack
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Hi Jay,

I am sorry that you are hurting right now. I certainly remember you and your story.

I can understand why her urge to get in contact with such a toxic/unhealthy exbf would concern you. It is beyond your comprehension why she would even want to do that.

Have you read the book WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH and/or CODEPENDENCY NO MORE? The reason I ask is that your gf is coming across as a classic codependent. She is drawn to the unhealthiness and the toxicity of this man. You are too normal and healthy for her. She NEEDS more chaos and more drama. She seems to be more comfortable (and more needed) with a fixer-upper rather than a man with no serious mental health issues.

Aside from that, she is coming across as awfully needy. I do remember that was a concern of yours last time you wrote. How do you feel about her neediness? Does she have any outside interests or friends that she does things with or are you it?

Four months is a relatively short time in terms of a relationship. I think it was wise of you to give her space. I cannot believe (considering her need to be with you ALL the time) that she even agreed to that.

You have every right to be concerned about this guy. However, there seems to be other red flags flying high as well. Please seriously consider if this unhealthy attachment (to you and to this guy) is something that you would be willing to tolerate.

Only you can answer that question. I do hope you will keep posting and I do hope you receive plenty of helpful advice.

I wish you the best, Jay.

sad

September 29, 2008
9:07 pm
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jayhawks
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Thank you so much sad.

September 30, 2008
9:12 am
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CAMER
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hi Jay, i am glad you found out more about this woman, and yes, 4 months is not a long time...it takes a long time to know someone, sometimes a year, going thru all the seasons and holiday and getting to know you phase.

I do remember your post, the thing that stuck out was she had to have "constant contact" while sleeping....arrrg, I am like you too, when i sleep i sleep, i dont' need the constant cuddling/contacting deal to sleep.

sounds like she is still "into" her last bf, maybe he gave her the comfort and security she wants, maybe he lives closer to her than you do.

With all this, its best that you let go and find out now, than down the road. When your heart breaks it takes time to heal, it seems like there were too many red flags in this relationship.

Now that you are both having "space", do you wonder if she is with her "ex", and the reason why she needs you all the time. Alot of this sounds unhealthy.

Take this space and time honestly think of your wants and needs and weigh out the goods/bads of the relationship with that gal and see if there were more goods.

(((sending you supportive hugs & know you are not alone)))) camer

September 30, 2008
5:45 pm
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jayhawks
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Thanks camer and sad. I appreciate your insight. I can't help to think I'm just a rebound guy. It hurts. This feels like a previous short-term "relationship" I had with someone 8 years ago.

I know this sounds niave, but I don't think she has been seeing her ex-boyfriend. I won't go into all the details as to why, but I would be shocked. Now has she reached out to him or e-mailed him, that I don't know.

I really didn't see her co-dependency signs until a month or so ago. The sleeping thing just happened a few weeks ago as well as her telling me she felt like calling me all the time. I have to be honest, it did feel good to have someone I was falling in love with show me this much love until it crossed the line a bit. I kept remembering what so many of you said from my original thread a few months ago that I have to establish some healthy bounderies.

In one of my conversations I had yesterday with her, she was on the other line scheduling an appointment to see a therapist. I'm proud of her. She also said earlier that it isn't healthy to think about me all the time and wanting to call me, so at least she recognizes she needs a bit of help.

Yesterday sucked. I travelled to see my dad in the hospital, my bank/employer got bought and liquidated and I broke up with someone I truly love. It can only get better!

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