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I'm back & I just need to vent----2shy
March 4, 2007
11:10 am
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2shy
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I was on this site before when I was trying to break up with my gambling bf. I ended up going back to him. He is still gambling but I told him that I wouldn't give nor lend him any money. He didn't have a problem with that. I figured that even though gambling is a serious problem, it was his money and he could do whatever he wants with it. Even though I didn't hand over money to him, I ended up buying him groceries and treating him whenever we went out. I would feel sorry for him. Meanwhile he earns more money than me and he has fewer expenses. He is working for cash and collecting social assistance. I know that I cannot have a future with him unless I want to financially support him.

The gambling isn't the only issue. It is his attitude towards me. He has been throwing insulting remarks towards me. He use to think highly of me. Putting me on a pedistal. Now I feel like I am too fat and ugly for him. I am not a good cook. It isn't that I don't like to cook I just never needed to cook before. I enjoy my attempts at cooking. Anyway...I tried cooking for him yesterday. After work, I went and bought the ingredients I needed, I researched a recipe, and I went to his place to cook for him. I spent two hours last night preparing his meal. I was excited and very pleased. After I served him his dinner he didn't comment. He ate a little bit and then he cleared the table and threw out the meal. I asked him what was wrong with it and he said that he said that something was missing but he didn't know what. My heart was crushed. He thanked me for trying. After I was done cleaning and washing the dishes we sat down on his sofa watching tv. We were both silent. Then he got up and changed his clothes. I asked him where he was going and he replied that he was going out. I was on the verge of tears. I told him that I spent my time buying the ingredients and preparing the meal for him after working all day and he wasn't even interested in spending time with me. He smiled, told me that he already thanked me for trying and that he was hungry and wanted to go out and eat, and we weren't talking anyway. I was hurt. I didn't want to argue with him. He walked me to my car we kissed goodnight and I drove home. I usually call him when I get home and I usually call him in the morning but I haven't done so this time. He hasn't even attempted to call me.

This is the type of attitude he has been giving me lately. He acts as if nothing is good enough for him. I even began cleaning his place too. For one thing that he does to please me I'll do a hundred.

Now I am trying to stop all contact with him. I don't want to call him and argue with him. He is intelligent. I am sure he knows what he has done and I think that he enjoys upsetting me. I have read about people like him, who will sweep you off your feet and that will begin to put you down once they figure they have you. It is all about power.

I was going to break up with him last week but once the thought of losing him entered my thoughts I went insane and I ended up dismissing how hurt I really was for how he treated me. I am feeling a lot stronger today and I just need all the support I can get to finally break free from this toxic 4 year relationship. I am going out with a couple of friends today. I normally spend Sundays with him. I am not sure if he knows what my intention. I figure that I would answer the phone if he were to call me and act as if nothing happened but I would keep the conversation short and just tell him that I am very busy. I want to sound as if I am very happy. I want him to feel insignifant in my life. I don't want him to have any satisfaction in knowing that I am hurting.

Thanking you for listening. I just want to maintain this strength. I've already wasted four years, a ton of money, and my mental heath on this toxic man.

thanks again
2shy

March 4, 2007
12:36 pm
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thedogsmom
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Hi 2shy and welcome back to this site to gain MORE strength to do what you know you need to do.

I'm sorry that things didn't go well for you. That you thought things would be okay between you two.. IF only you didn't lend or give him money. Unfortunately, you were just rationalizing, and trying to find a way to justify "why" his gambling should not affect your relationship. He is a grown man and makes his own money and IF he is single he should be able to do whatever he chooses with his own money as long as he pays his debts and doesn't hurt anybody. Well the problem here is that gambling IS a very big problem and it DOES affect relationships as much as drugs or violence or anything else that is TOXIC does.

You said yourself that you couldn't have a future with him UNLESS you are ready to financially support him. Do you want a man that you have to financially support- when you know they make more money than you do and should be able to support themselves? Will or didn't you start to lose respect having to pay his bills and buy his dinners? Don't you deserve to have somebody treat you now and then?And wouldn't it be great to be in a relationship where both parties pay the bills and help each other? Isn't that fair? If you begin to pay his bills the RESPECT for him-- goes right out the door. You said you 'feel sorry' for him because he doesn't have any money. He makes more money than you do-- but CHOOSES to spend his money on gambling...instead of grocieries or nights out with his 'girl' or saving for future..etc...
You said you feel as if you've wasted 4 years with him. If you KNOW that he is not the type of man you can MARRY- the way he is right now (being a gambler)...then please save yourself from MORE pain and spend your time with people who truly enjoy your company.
I hate the way he treated you after you took the time and effort to make a special meal! His actions to go out while you were there visiting and to say he was still hungry- is just PLAIN RUDE! that would hurt ANYBODY's feelings! Save that effort and love of yours for somebody who deserves it!

And you know- what's the reason for playing a 'game' of trying to make him believe you are 'happy'? Why can't he know that he hurt your feelings and that you are sad that things didn't work out between you too--because of his gambling and lousy inconsiderate attitude!. He should know that he did hurt you and dissapoint you and that YOU care enough about yourself to take care of your own self and let him go. Maybe he won't ever feel bad about it- and will always- find a reason why ITS your fault- things didn't work out---
BUT you know the truth- and you need to start looking at the whole 'truth' there in front of you. What do you want for your life. More of the same?
Try to keep the strength and let go and move on.
TDM

March 4, 2007
1:02 pm
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2shy
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Thanks TDM for taking the time to read and respond to my thread.

I guess I just feel the need to play this "game". If I tell him straight out how I am feeling and that I want to end the relationship he'll act like he doesn't care and he won't take me seriously. I'll end up feeling worse afterwards. He has little respect for women. He thinks that a woman will not let go of a man unless she has someone else. He also thinks that it is natural to abuse a woman. He claims that every woman has received some degree of abuse from a man. He was born and raised in another country. He thinks that he has me wrapped around his finger. Why shouldn't he feel that way anyway...I've been tolerating so much from him. I figure that if I play my game with him until he realizes how strong I am and then I'll be able to be honest with him and that is when he might take me seriously.

Anyway....he still hasn't called me. I am just about to get ready to meet my friends.

thanks
2shy

March 4, 2007
1:54 pm
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thedogsmom
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2shy,

"the truth will set you free'. I am trying to live with this philosophy and it really does help if you are honest with first and foremost "yourself".

It sure felt good to let the dirty cat out of the bag (told family about my husbands drug use). It was so much more stressful to PRETEND that things were going well- and that I was HAPPY.
Putting on the smile around my parents and family was really HARD on myself. Lying to myself about things getting better with him- making excuses for him- INSTEAD of seeing him for who he IS now- was SUCKING the LIFE out of me!.

I really think you should start by being honest with yourself and with your own feelings. Do you really want to END the relationship? Do you still have HOPE that he will come to his senses and stop gambling? Do you think he is MARRIAGE-MATERIAL as he is NOW? Do you see or want marriage in your future? with him? or with somebody else?

What is the purpose of pretending you are non-chalant and happy whether he treats you bad or not? You say "IF I tell him how I am feeling and that I want to END the relationship- then he will ACT like he doesn't care- He won't take me seriously- and I will feel WORSE."
How much worse can you feel? You have this man you have spent years of your life with=- trying to get him to value you and your relationship and appreciate the things that you've done for him- and he "acts" like he doesn't care- treats you rudely- AND has a gambling problem! He has NO MONEY or financial security to offer you.
You state " If I play my game- and he realizes that I am strong-- then I'll be honest and then he'll take me seriously".
What do you want him to take seriously? That you have had ENOUGH and want to END the relationship? He can only take that seriously IF you really mean that. It sounds like you are NOT ready to terminate or you wouldn't be concerned IF he takes you seriously. Because after all- If you are serious about ending the relationship- then you will end it-- and he will HAVE to take it seriously!

I think you just want to get attention from him some way and taking all of the SHIT that he dishes out- didn't work for you-- so now you'll play the other game-- that you're done with him- that you could care less....that you are happy...and together and..strong. without him..

GAMES don't work. you can't fool yourself in the long run.

Think about what you really really want here. and then be true to yourself. No harm in being honest with him- about where you stand..what you want for the future...and what you will need to continue with him.
TDM

March 5, 2007
11:43 am
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2shy
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Thanks TDM....you have raised some valid points. I have decided to end the relationship completely. I haven't heard from him. I have no intention of calling him. If he calls me then I'll be honest with him. I cannot live with a gambler and someone who doesn't treat me with respect. If he doesn't ever call me, then that is fine too. I'll accept this as closure. My previous bf left me to marry someone else from his own country. I was with him for three years. My last contact with him was when he was at the airport to travel back home. He claimed that his brother died and he had to go back home to visit. He told me that he loved me and that he would call me twice a week. That was the last that I heard of him. I found out that he returned with his new bride. I never contacted him. So I am not new to not getting a proper closure to a relationship. I should be grateful that I have not become any of these mens wife.....I would be filing for divorce today instead of suffering a breakup from a bf. I just pray to maintain my strength to stay away from him. I think that I will join the NO CONTACT thread.

March 5, 2007
11:58 am
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lettingo
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2shy,
What a jerk, to be so rude and hurtful about your food and then leaving you to go out by himself? Unbelievable. I HOPE you NEVER take him back for any reason! If you need strength just re-read your original post.

March 5, 2007
1:45 pm
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hello 2shy,

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this with this man. I didn't mean to come accross as harsh- but can be pretty direct- (especially when -in trying to advise others- I'm really talking to myself too!)

I know you have your heart, time and money invested in this man - and NO matter how bad the relationship has been- EVEN when WE know it should be over-- EVEN when we WANT it to be over-- IT still HURTS SO BAD to give up and let it end and go through that heartbreak that brings doubt and regrets and sometimes unecessary guilt)

BUT it sounds like his gambling problem, lack of ambition to set goals for future retirement needs, allowing you to financially bail him out of financial messes he has created,.. and mostly how he seems to NOT APPRECIATE or show a lack of respect for your kindness--
are plenty of reasons to know that AT this time in your life - HE is NOT going to make your life any easier- but will likely bring further turmoil and financial problems.

You said you put in 4 years with this man! 4 years is a long time. Have things improved? or did things get worse as time went on? Do you see any progress in the problems you two have discussed? It sounds like you are going in that round-about-circle to nowhere-- with your needs NOT getting met... and your codependency still trying to MAKE things work. You said you give him 100 things to please him for the 1 thing he gives you. This doesn't sound fair does it?

Why do we ACCEPT this from our men?
Shouldn't a relationship be more 50/50 or at least...go in cycles where sometimes you give more and sometimes he does. Why should we settle for less. It really is better to be by yourself than to be in such a sick- one-sided relationship that makes you "Insane" (your word).You are taking care of yourself anyhow. You are independent. Shouldn't the man we allow into our lives be there to 'complement' our lives and make things better?

That man should have been rubbing your feet after you cooked after working all day--paid for it-- did it at his house-- and cleaned up for him! IT is SO rude for him to just get up and get dressed and tell you he is leaving to go out-- without you!!! after your efforts!

I hope that you will try to let him go- and instead of focusing on what you lost ( a rude-disrespectful unappreciative gambler with no money and a mean streak-) that you will instead keep trying to focus on the future man who you will attract..

A man with a good job and NO addictions-somebody who has the same goals for life as you do. Somebody who works hard for a living instead of trying to make an easy buck gambling and wasting all his money. A kind and respectful man who will appreciate your kindness and willingness to cook and clean and please him. A man who will rub your feet after a long day...and treat you for dinner on the town. Somebody who WANTS to take you somewhere special for your birthday and LIKES spending quiet at-home evenings in your company. There are men out there like this. Really there are. But you will NEVER find one as long as you are stuck in this relationship with him and giving him all that attention.

Try now to work on gaining back your self esteem. Don't let him make you feel fat and ugly. If you feel fat and ugly work on setting small goals to change things.

Lets start making wiser choices and seeing the red flags and turning in the other direction BEFORE our feelings get involved and we end up in the same type of relationship.

My heart goes out to you and I hope to see you in the no-contact group soon. (my guy is still living rent-free while I'm waiting for him to move out).
TDM

March 5, 2007
2:14 pm
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2shy
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Hi lettingo...I am going to do everything in my power to stay away from him.

TDM, I really appreciate your advice. You weren't harsh at all. I cannot believe how much I tolerated from him. I don't understand why I even fell for him to begin with. I saw the red flags right from the beginning. We met at a time when I was going through my breakup from my previous bf and he was going through a divorce. All the red flags were there. He was collecting social assistance because he was too lazy to work, he gambled, he was having a sexual affair with a married woman too. We started off as friends. He paid so much attention to me. He continuously asked me out on a date. I just couldn't believe how crazy he was about me. Since I was coming out of a bad relationship it was flattering to have him pursue me as much as he did. It took him about 6 months to finally get me to go out with him. My feelings for him just grew. It has been an extremely emotional rollercoster ride. He was extremely jealous and possessive in the beginning. We have broken up so many times. We broke up for many reasons....he didn't like the way I looked around the restaurant we were eating at because he thought that I was admiring other guys....to the way I answered my cell phone (I didn't say his name when I answered the phone). Intially he would come crawling back to me. He admtted that he has mental problems. I suggested that he seeks professional help. I had to see a psychiatristfor about a year after dating my bf for a year. Now I am the one who crawled back to him after one of our fights. Anyway...I could write a book.

TDM why is your guy living with you rent free?

March 5, 2007
3:25 pm
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Hello 2shy,

maybe you should right a book- to yourself that is. Journaling and writing out your feelings here--analyzing the "whys" and "how did I get here" and "what can be done about it?""... really helps in finding the answers that will eventually bring peace back into your life- IF you ACT on those wise discoveries.:) INSTEAD of falling into the same old trap- and repeating behaviours that never get you different results.

I'm great at dishing out the advice-telling other people what they need to say and to do-- but terrible at really doing those things that will bring changes to my life (leaving the sucker once and suffering the heartbreak once and for all).

I like you--- have been wondering lately "HOW come I tolerated ALL that I have tolerated?? for SO LONG??". I would NEVER have EVER believed 5 years ago that I would EVER take a Mans B--S--- and just LIVE with it for so long? How did my self-esteem get so destroyed and why did I place all my focus on holding together this relationship and RECLAIMING the love that I think HE OWES ME??? It is truly MIND-boggling-even to me when I think of what I've put up with from this man! And he is still there!

I think you answered why you let yourself get involved with this man with the red flag warning for you to see. You were vulnerable. Your first bf left you twice and broke your heart and chose to marry somebody else. While this girl may not be any BETTER, PRETTIER, SMARTER, MORE fun than you are--- this feels like rejection and it HURTS our self esteem!
You had this new guy showering you with attention and this made you feel good- as it should- it helped pick up your self-esteem and you disregarded those gut feelings about what you knew about him ( cheater- gambler and lazy) and instead FOCUSED on the good things about him. Nice, attractive, fun,-showering you with attention- distracting you and taking away the heartache you felt for the first b/f.
You let your guard and commen sense fly out the window -- for the immediate gratification of having somebody WANT you again.

I was in a similar situation when I hooked up with my guy. He brought joy to my state of sorrow and depression. I was going through (death of my best friends-son who was in vegetative -coma state for 7 months before she decided to let him die). She packed up and moved away thinking she could leave the pain behind. My other only friends were my neighbors and tenants that bought a house and also moved away- so I was lonely- and scared of life cause it had dealt us a bad blow with the MVA accident of my good friends son. Her son had a key and room in my house at the time of his terrible car accident . He was such a loving kid of 21 years going to school and working teaching autistic kids. He took care of me when I was sick and we were movie buddies.

This man stepped into the picture on what I saw (was his white horse) and helped me clean the rental unit and cooked dinner for me and brought me tea and coffee and small gifts. It also took several months before I completely let my guard down and decided to sleep with him and let him OFFICIALLY move in with me.( He had already moved in -soon after we met). So I guess I didn't look at the red flags either. My friend had seen his bare apartment.. he had cheated on his prior wife, he didn't give me much money even though he had been living with me. I chose to look at only the GOOD he brought into my life.
NOW WE MUST FOCUS on THE BAD they BRING TO OUR LIVES ! IT's the only way for me- to LOOK at him as a DRUG addict with NO morals or sense of responsibility!
Anyhow- I gotta go get lunch. But he is still living there rent free- while I let him SAVE his money to MOVE out. Didn't work for me before when I tried this plan..and looks like I may have to just get UGLY and LOCK him out of the house one day IF he doesn't leave on his own SOON!
take care- gotta run for now- will check back in later.
TDM

March 5, 2007
4:26 pm
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2shy
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Wow TDM......I completely understand how difficult it must be to have to force him to move out. You should set up a deadline and stick to it. I am sure he is just taking advantage of your good heart. He thinks that you wouldn't have the heart to kick him out. So why would he. After all he is living rent free so he can use his money to support his addiction. Please be strong and show him that you are serious. It makes me so angry to hear how these men can take advantage of us.

I had kept a journal after I got serious with my stbx. I wrote in it religiously and there were so many terrible moments. I destroyed it after one of our most recent breakups. I just didn't want to read and relive all those horrible moments.

We need to to be strong. I thought the same thing as you. I would have never in a billion years have thought that I would have been attracted to these type of men. I am vowing to never contacting my stbx and to run away from a man the second I see a red flag. It is a shame. I am becoming so cynical towards men now that I am afraid of getting involved with another man.

So let us be strong together. Set up a deadline and call the locksmith.

March 5, 2007
4:27 pm
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2shy
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Wow TDM......I completely understand how difficult it must be to have to force him to move out. You should set up a deadline and stick to it. I am sure he is just taking advantage of your good heart. He thinks that you wouldn't have the heart to kick him out. So why would he. After all he is living rent free so he can use his money to support his addiction. Please be strong and show him that you are serious. It makes me so angry to hear how these men can take advantage of us.

I had kept a journal after I got serious with my stbx. I wrote in it religiously and there were so many terrible moments. I destroyed it after one of our most recent breakups. I just didn't want to read and relive all those horrible moments.

We need to to be strong. I thought the same thing as you. I would have never in a billion years have thought that I would have been attracted to these type of men. I am vowing to never contacting my stbx and to run away from a man the second I see a red flag. It is a shame. I am becoming so cynical towards men now that I am afraid of getting involved with another man.

So let us be strong together. Set up a deadline and call the locksmith.

March 5, 2007
5:30 pm
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thanks 2shy,

I don't really think people understand how difficult it really is for me to FORCE him to move out. Except my mother. She (a hopeless-caretaker-and codendent-like me) said
"well- you just can't put him out since he has nowhere to go and not enough money to live on". This is an able-bodied man- who works full time and makes a salary of about $45-50,000 a year. His salary after taxes ( no house or kids to deduct) is about $2200 a month. His wages are garnished to pay for child support for his two children from his 2nd wife for $1100 a month. From this they automatically take out money to repay the retirement fund from his job that he borrowed when his wages were also garnished for his first daughter (first wife) and her back support penalties. So he clears and brings home only about $1000 a month (500 per paycheck every two weeks.
Rent here costs about $1000 a month.
He will have to rent a room or live in the real ghettos and still pay $650 IF he would even qualify with poor credit.
He says that he can't just rent a room because he needs to have a place to bring his children on the weekends. Well- I guess IF having a HOME for his kids were truly important and a priority for him- then he would have paid his bills at home and went to work and MADE this his home-- instead of blowing his time and money on drugs.
I know he isn't my responsibility. I even know that with his good looks and charm and nicest personality that he will find some other sucker to take care of him.
I also know my life will be more PEACEFUL in the long run after the pain of the change that breaking up will bring.

He knows that I haven't had the heart to kick him out penniless. BUT my heart is HARDENING. It really is! By letting other good people here - tell me WHAT a LOUSE he is and how he is USING me and taking advantage-- I am changing my view about him. I look at the situation as a NO-HOPE as long as he is a drug addict. NO HOPE for things to get better. This means that HE has to GO!

So I am sad and trying to get the strength to go ALL the way and FORCE him out. Im making small changes to make life more miserable for him and better for me. I cut off his cell phone I was paying. I quit paying his car insurance. I cut off cable TV. I told his eldest daughter that he had a drug problem. I called his sister and brother and told them I was leaving him because he had a drug problem and was not helping with the bills and ditching work. I completely AVOID him and AVOID all conversation with him. I stay in my room when I am home with him in the evenings. I don't greet him with a courtesy "hello' or "goodbye". I don't answer the phone when he calls home.Instead I glare at him and/or totally avoid him.
We let these men take advantage. Now we must gather the strength to stop them from hurting us any further. Talking to them- has done NO GOOD. Yes it will hurt. Break-ups always HURT. BADLY. But there will be a better life ahead.
Lets be strong together. stick with the no contact rule IF that is what you really think is the best for your future.
TDM

March 5, 2007
9:49 pm
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2shy
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TDM, I am glad that your heart is hardening. I have found that when show our toughness to these men, that they actually respect us more. When we are too good to them they just continue to take advantage of us. I think that you are making progress by stopping to pay for most of his bills. It must have been extremely difficult for you to do but you did it. That is significant progress.

I want to share something with you. It was written on this website. I'm not sure if you've already read it but I'll share it with you in case you haven't read it before.

WHAT ADDICTS DO
My name is ----. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behaviour. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I thik about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numb by my own addiction that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behaviour cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop taking drugs and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that is what addicts do.

Reading this has helped me alot. My ex is a gambler and I always felt the need to give him money after he lost all his money gambling. Even though I stopped giving him money I still continued to help him by buying him groceries and treating him out.

I hope that we can come out strong. My ex still hasn't called me....what a real insensitive jerk!!! It is better this way. I am afraid I might fall start to feel sorry for him again. Let's do it together. Let's stand up to these men.

March 8, 2007
5:33 pm
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2shy
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Hi, it has been four days since the incident with my ex happened and he hasn't even called me. It just really hurts......especially with the weekend approaching. I was really tempted to call him last night but I didn't. His actions are giving me all the answers I need. I actually thought that he loved me. I feel like such a fool......

March 8, 2007
5:48 pm
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lettingo
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2shy,
Why should you feel like a fool? He's the one with the problem. You derserve so much more and better. Keep up the good work at no contact! Think of how you will feel if "you" do call him. It will only make you feel worse especially after the way he treated you...

March 9, 2007
9:40 pm
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2shy
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September 30, 2010
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I CALLED HIM !!!! I am such a fool. Lettingo, you warned me and I didn't listen. I felt so anxious this morning so I picked up the phone and called him. He was very cold on the phone. He was angry that I waited a week to call him. He thinks that I picked a fight with him for no reason. He claimed that he didn't do anything wrong. He sounded so angry with me. He didn't want to argue with me. Then I begged to see him to talk face to face. I had to really beg to see him. I was in my psycho stage by this point. He agreed to see me. We went over that night again and again he claims that he reacted normal. The fact that I was silent after he threw out the dinner annoyed him. I was suppose to maintain a happy disposition after my attempt to cook for him failed. He told me that he was dying to eat and that was why he went out to eat. He also accused me of using this as an excuse to "shop" around for another guy. He thinks that I didn't call him all week because I was dating someone else. Can you believe how his mind works? After about an hour he asked me to go. I was due to go to work and he told me we could talk in the evening. I ended up going out with a friend of mine after work. I called him after I left my friend and he sounded pleasant. We went over the issue again but we ended the conversation on good terms. But I am going to initiate no contact again. I don't know what I expected to accomplish by talking to him. I know that I don't have a future with him and he will continuously treat me badly if I stay with him. It just really hurts. I really need to get over him. I don't know why I let this guy have so much power and control over me. I was just so angry with him. I had gone to work today feeling so broken. I was shaking and on the verge of crying the whole day. This weekend will be tough for me. thanks for allowing me to vent here and thanks for your advice and encouragement.

March 10, 2007
4:44 pm
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thedogsmom
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2shy

I'm sorry that I hadn't had a chance to get back to you. I'm afraid to check in from home (that my b/f can see the trail of where I've been online and I want this to be discreet.)

I'm sorry that you had a weak moment and called him. But you did. So now what? What did you discover or get from the phone call?
It sounds like-- with this man of yours- that it is ALL about HIM! His needs! His hunger! His feelings! Him -him and him! No wonder you haven't been satisfied for those 4 years you put in with him. This man is selfish. He hurt your feelings and is still trying to justify HIS feelings instead of hearing what you are saying and considering your feelings!

It was WRONG- for him to get dressed and ready to leave when you had just put great effort in cooking for him to spend the evening with him. It would have HURT any NORMAL persons feelings! What he did was RUDE and CRUEL. He DOES owe you an apology for that! But he is so Selfish that he can't even see it that way! He isn't listening to what you are saying. Instead he was 'annoyed' by the silent treatment you gave him after he threw out your meal! You sulked! and that annoyed him! He was hungry! So what? He should have ordered take-out (your choice since you had paid for the dinner with your money, time and kindness). He should have ordered take out if he was so hungry and still spent the evening with you. That is what a NORMAL respectful NICE man would and should do in a situation like that. Or fix himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and make light of the meal-gone-wrong so you wouldn't feel bad about it and then rub your feet for trying.

Instead he gets mad or annoyed because you are human and show your dissapointment- instead of PRETENDING you are still happy to please him. Your hurt feelings was not the important matter to him- that night. Instead what was important to him was that HE was still HUNGRY! Screw you and your efforts- he was going out to get some real food and not going to waste his time with you and your injured feelings. After all- he already thanked you for trying! Now you are to just be done with that- and move on so NOT to spare him any DISCOMFORT in knowing you are hurt or dissapointed. Its ALL about HIM!

That's why he didn't call you. HE is the injured party- the way HE sees things! You owed him a phone call for OVER reacting!! You were most likely using all of this BS (in his eyes) to go out and find another lover! Yep-- you owed him the phone call- and thats why you needed to BEG for his company! He gave it to you- after begging for it-- and then asked you to leave again -when he'd had enough. Who cares about your feelings? He can't because with him- its all about HIM.
He doesn't get it 2shy! Your feelings are important! He was WRONG and he owes it to you to really LISTEN and HEAR what you are trying to say to him. But he doesn't get it!
He is TOO selfish! And why is he so overly jealous and always thinking you are looking elsewhere? Because he isn't trustworthy-himself perhaps??

I too feel 'psycho' sometimes. It's trying to get through to people that can't hear you!! that don't get it!! It's trying to get the situation to change when you don't have the control to change the other person--- that will drive you MAD. But you aren't psycho- and you are no fool either. You just have a big heart- you fell for the wrong guy-- you tried to make it work- you are still hoping- but losing faith that it will ever change-- and you are trying to make the changes that will make a difference!
I'm still proud of you. You're learning and it will take us time and practice and strength to get through this. It helps me just to read the stories- to give advice and to hear others advice. It really did help me to know that you understood-really understood how hard it must be for me to take those small steps to move me in a better direction. Thanks for saying it.
just keep being honest with yourself. and keep posting. Thanks for all your wonderful advice and for sharing 'the addict poem'. It is great and does help. thanks.
TDM

March 10, 2007
7:50 pm
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2shy
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Thanks TDM, thanks for taking the time to give me such a detailed response. You really helped reinforce my decision to stay away from him. I was actually beginning to believe him. That I was making such a big deal over that incident. I was thinking that I was too harsh on him. Can you imagine that? I must admit that I called him this morning while I was driving to a supplier, and he sounded pleased to hear me. My conversation with him was brief. I hung up feeling good knowing that his anger was no longer there. I even think that he was expecting me to call him later in the day, thinking that things are back to normal. I was very tempted to call him after I was done and hang out with him. But then I realized that it was a very stupid idea. First of all he is not marriage material. He may be nice now but it won't take him long to revert back to his old self and probably treat me worse afterwards. He is a selfish man. I do feel like I am walking on eggshells with him because he could me nice one minute and become this cold monster the next. I am suppose to test his emotional temperature every second and react accordingly as not to upset HIM. Instead, after I was done with my business I had all this free time and I called a friend and hung out with her. All my friends all supporting me and calling me up all the time to ensure that I am not with him.

I bought a book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. I have been reading other posts on this site and it seems many of us a suffering from the same sort of issues. It was a recommended book so I bought it today and I have already started reading it. One of the things it mentions is that SUCCESS is the best revenge. So I worked out on my treadmill an hour ago. I want to lose weight. I weigh about 160 lbs and I am 5'4". I also want to focus on my business, which I have been neglecting. And, because of this, my business has been suffering. So now I am seeking REVENGE via SUCCESS. I want him to know that I am doing well without a man. I do hope that I meet a great man in the future. So if I meet a great guy he'll know that I was worthy enough to attract a great man and if I don't meet anyone he'll know that I am happy enough to live without him. He does think that I (or any woman) cannot live without a man.

My weakness is that I am strong one minute and I become this psycho woman the next. I am also afraid that if I continue on this road to success and living without him, that I might give it all up if he calls me and wants to get together again. This is the part that I think you and I are so similar. Our weak hearts give in too easily to these men. We cared and loved them. If they show us a inch of love we give them a hundred yards of love back. So I understand how difficult it is for you too. So I am going to try and take it one day at a time. I will resume no contact. By contacting him I am also sending him the wrong messages. I don't want to play any headgames. I know that I cannot even be his friend. It is the best solution for both of us. I hope I remain strong.

I hope that you are growing strong with decision. Try and build the courage to set your deadline with your guy. You also deserve better. Don't let him walk all over you.

thanks again

March 11, 2007
11:15 am
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thedogsmom
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2shy,
I'm glad if I can re-inforce your decision to stay away from him because from what you've posted he seems toxic to your life. It sounds like you would be better off without him. However- that's all we are all trying to do here. Is to HELP each other to be strong and get the courage to face the reality of our situations and to really FOLLOW through on the things that we NEED to do to CHANGE our lives and bring PEACE.
The difficult thing is that to get to that PEACEFUL world means to LEAVE the CHAOTIC one that you are in now- the one that includes HIM-- and That means that we have to LET HIM GO. And that means HEARTBREAK. And that's whats so difficult. That we feel sorry for these men and we feel responsible to make them happy and we WANT to make them happy cause we LOVE too much for our own good. We want that love returned but we are not Feeling that love back. We are getting the short end of the stick- and it makes us ANGRY and CRAZY because it IS NOT FAIR!! And though we've cried and talked and emailed and text-messaged and broken-up and forgiven and tried again-- and cried and screamed and LOST our heads with CRAZINESS-- Nothing is working!!!
WHY?????
it is right there in that ADDICT poem.

Because these guys are addicts. and they will lie and cheat and hurt you over and over again-- and each time we find that bad hurtful SURPRISE- we still are shocked and hurt AGAIN.
THe cycle MUST end! And they won't end it! Why would they?? Their needs are being met even if it isn't always easy for them to put up with our crying-depressed or scowling angry face-- they have reasons to WANT us in their lives! We are Caretakers!
But we ARE slacking on taking care of our OWN selves! If they won't see the hurt and pain they are causing- and step up to the plate and FIX things- then we MUST take it upon ourselves to STOP the PAIN! We are trading the Pain of a bad roller-coaster rocky relationship that has moments and bits of HOPE for our future with this man...for the PAIN of HEARTBREAK and ENDING the relationship and the HOPEs of happiness out there in a distant faraway land with somebody we haven't even met yet. We are more comfortable in our sad little loveless worlds of fantasy-land with "him" and fear the world that lies around the corner for us--- that new scary lonely world where your dreams have been shattered.
It's not an easy move to make. But lets keep trying to move in that direction. The scary one-- that will have PEACE.
TDM

March 11, 2007
5:45 pm
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2shy
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Hi TDM...thanks again...today was tough for me. I managed not to contact him.

I am worried about you now. I read your advice to the others on this site. You are so compassionate and you offer such sound advice. You have a heart of gold. I really hate to hear how much you are suffering.

This just goes to show me that there are so many caretakers out there. I was always thinking that if my ex were to leave me, he would never find someone who would treat him the way I did. I was wrong. It seems that I can easily be replaced. I just feel so depressed when I think of it. Why do these men treat us so horribly? Why do we tolerate so much from them? What more do they want from us?

I am just so hurt and angry......I hope that you are stinking to your deadline. Hang in there.

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