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I'm all alone
March 10, 2001
12:05 am
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lonewolf
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I was hoping someone could give me some feedback on my situation. I'm a 20 year old male, in my second year of university. I've got many things going for me: education, economic well being, good looks (so people tell me). But over the past 5 or 6 months, I've been having very intense periods of depression, usually lasting a day or two before subsiding. However, it eventually comes back. Certain thoughts set it off, and it's hard to control those.

You see, basically I'm alone. I live at home with my family and get along with them. I don't have any really close friends, except for some at work. No friends whatsoever in University. What is particularly painful is the fact that I can't communicate meaningfully with females my age. I've never had a girlfriend before, not even going out on a date. I never start a conversation with a girl, and if I do, I try to keep it friendly, but short and terse. It's like I build a wall between myself and females, keeping them at arm's length, like I can't bring myself to trust them. What really depresses me is that I think I'll never change this attitude, that I'm doomed to be alone forever. I don't believe in the phrase "There's someone out there for everyone,": to me, that's bull****, just look at the state of many relationships these days.

Basically, my life revolves around school, work and home. Home is my safety zone. I've been seeing a counsellor for about a month, and it helps. I've also been starting to talk to a girl I think is interested in me for about the same time as well. Last week, I thought I had worked it all out, like a light went on in my head. But then, I heard something yesterday that I dreaded hearing. The girl I talk to in class mentioned in passing that she had a boyfriend. I was devestated. I asked her to go to coffee sometime (was planning to do that eventually): she didn't say no, but she didn't say yes. Busy with "her papers". If you ask me, it was a polite way to say get lost. Maybe it was just the fact that she behaved a lot like me (shy, quiet) that drove me to reach out to her. She's very friendly and relaxed with me, smiles a lot, and some of her behaviour can be seen as flirtatious. But stupid me. I feel like I was led on. Needless to say that I feel like s*** today and yesterday (wanted to break down and cry). It sounds childish, but it's crippling me. I just thank God that I'm a fanatical weight trainer, because it's one of the only things that brings me some sense of enjoyment (I train at home too). I'm back where I began.

March 10, 2001
8:09 am
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Dilly
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I's sure, if you are such a keen weight trainer, that you realise you get on a high after training. This has a counter-effect, which brings you down low when you relax. This could account for a lot of your depression, also the fact that you have started on a new venture (University, Iknow it's your second year, but put that up against the how old you are, and you will see it is a nw experience for your lifestyle)every stage takes time to settle in, I feel sure this time next year you will see things completely differently, so hang on in there, how you are feeling is normal not abnormal. All the best, come back to us when you are qualified! Best of luck!

March 10, 2001
1:29 pm
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janes
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ONE person "may have" rejcted you and you are devastated?

Would you rather she cheat on a boyfriend and lead you on?

Let's get some perspective here......

You are young.....lots of time ahead hopefully.

You are fit.....good choice on your part

You are close to your family...always a good point.

You are getting a college degree..A+++ in that department

You may be shy....makes it tougher for you but some women find it adorable

You are seeing a counselor and it is helping.........keep going.

You take each rejection so seriously it cripples you....bad form....let others be themselves and don't take it so personally.

Give yourself and others a break. When I married it was for LIFE. After 22 years I am glad I waited til I was older as it gave me some time for "me".

You need to know who YOU are...and this is more than you think at the moment.

Do things for YOU. Find others to form a group with......

Why is it that we feel we are nothing without a "mate" of the opposite sex?

Life is MORE than marriage and children.

Life is life...fulfilling on its own.

Be the best YOU that you can be and things will fall into place.

Stop placing expectations of what "should" be on your life.

If you only wait for life to happen TO you then you will have to settle for what comes.....live life as if today is your last.....be fulfilled in YOU!!!

Single or part of a couple we each are valuable.....

You are good the way you ARE....if you need validation for that....I feel that you are losing out on enjoying YOU.

March 10, 2001
9:28 pm
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lonewolf
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I wouldn't knowingly break up a relationship. That to me is the worst thing that I can possibly do. I wouldn't even try it on my worst enemy, that's how much I value loyalty. Now that I've thought about it in a more logical fashion, this reaction I had was an overeaction. I viewed her as a crutch, one that I needed when I had nothing else to fall back on. I will continue to talk to her, in the hopes that a friendship could arise. But asking me to expand my social horizons is about the same as asking me to jump off the Grand Canyon, I'm that paranoid about the world. Basically, in my view, you can't trust anyone. The world is a big cruel place that will eat you up and spit you out if you don't learn to stick to yourself. But in my case, I've taken that notion too far for too long that I've forgotten what it's like to really believe in humanity. But that's how I feel.

March 15, 2001
5:47 pm
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zoel stylze
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This is for Janes, I thought your response to Lonewolf's dilemma was remarkable. I couldn't have said it better myself. You seem to have a good perception to this issue, which impressed me. If you happen to read this comment please send a mail. [email protected]

I would be more than interested in getting your insight into certain issues.

March 16, 2001
8:21 am
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azza
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you seem to value loyalty very much...i really respect you for that...and it will be much better if you 'add' some trust in yourself for other people...

March 19, 2001
11:13 pm
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lonewolf
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Well, here I am two weeks later. I feel better now, like a dark cloud has passed on. Just thinking rationally about the situation reminds me that it wasn't the end of the world that I thought it would be. It gets better each day, although its slow and I do relapse at times, but not as intensly as before. What I hate the most is the self-pity I have. All my life, I've always been able to stand on my own two feet, never needing to depend on anyone. Now, I can't even control what I think. My doctor wants me to go on Zoloft, but I'm going to refuse. If you ask me, anti-depressants are more trouble than they're worth. What else do you expect when you take something that can alter the chemical reactions in your own brain? The farthest I'd go would be something herbal, like St. John's wort. But I realize that I'm going to have to start working on my social life. No one is going to just fall into my lap sitting at home, and I know that deep down. It's just that I can't really see myself as anything but a loner. I don't believe that that's a negative term. In many ways, it gives me a sort of mystique. Its just that large crowds of people make me nervous.

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