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I'm a young man who wants to talk about a lot of problems
January 29, 2007
12:42 am
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Anonymous
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I think back to when I started therapy and how I was surprised in therapy what the therapist would say about me. Some of these comments over the 1 and a half years of therapy are. You like to be abused. You like kinky sex. (he would ask me if I liked kinky sex, and I would say yes) He told me that my obcession with my ex girlfriend was stalker like. And this was basically what I ended the therapy on, I was tired of being called a stalker. Everything seemed pointless and absent of help and hopeless. As if to call me stalker, call me a person who likes to be abused; and just leave it right there. With no hope.
It was like I knew that I was pissed about my ex-girlfriend, yet stretched and smiled and said to myself, "man I'm going to go to therapy and improve my life so much" only to get there and have a lot of awkward conversations.
I used to believe I was a people person. In college I was popular at times. The therapist though made me believe I wasn't a people person. And my present day life is one that I'm far too much just happy about my pay, and feel like I need to get back to living and maybe could be happy that I have no therapist and could BREATH and live for myself.
I saw another therapist after this. A sex therapist and too left this therapist. It was expensive and I actually left the therapy on the idea that she told me I was straight only to basically tell me I was gay in another session.
I have a lot of problems and this is what it is, while I will care about my family and them about me. I don't have a lot of other friends right now. And this weekend, two friends really let me down, I don't know how much they are going to be around anymore. The problem is I need a lot of walks in the park and getting back to life. The problem is I've wondered a lot if I'm gay. I'm not sure how productive the inner conversation is. Yet I think I love to have sex with woman, and I may even think I don't like to have sex with men. I almost hate myself sometimes for how much time I've taken to try and figure these things out.
I think I need a lot of walks in the park and just a heart that is going to improve. I'm just really scared with the sex identity sometimes because I don't want to marry or even breakup with a woman if I'm gay. I feel really lost in the world.

January 29, 2007
12:54 am
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Randomwomen2
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Welcome sweetheart. You seem you have a lot on your plate right know. Let me just tell you that I personaly belive that your therapist was totaly out of line when she made those statements about you. If it is true thats something that you needed to tell her not her tell you. With the gay issue well thats no ones place to tell you if you are or not. That is your decision well thats your turmoil that you are dealing with and no one should tell you which way you are or if your both well you know what I mean. Dont hate yourself for taking your time hunny with these sort of things you just can not rush them. We are here for you weekends are slow and so are evenings well at least in my time. I live in oregon but usualy no post goes unanwsered.

January 29, 2007
12:57 am
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serenityali
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realife,

I don't know if I completely understand. Why would you think you are gay? Are you attracted to men, if you are I think that's okay. I have known many gay people and have always felt blessed to have known them. One of my best friends went through a coming out transition and it was difficult to say the least, but she is now so happy. Some people are bisexual and live happy and productive lives. You don't need to make that decison today. Be kind and patient with yourself. I have been told that only 60% of the population is heterosexual and 10% gay the rest are some where in between. Love yourself for who you are and it will all fall into place in time. I wish you the best in your journey.

Ali

January 29, 2007
1:01 am
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wannabe
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Hi, Real

am so sorry about how you feel and your experiences with the therapist.

hope the walk in the parks really help you to find the real you. there is a voice inside that is calling out and you need to heed it.

January 29, 2007
1:05 am
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Thanks guys. I just wanted to talk. I'll try to be cool, go into work tomorrow and hope to write some more clear stuff tomorrow.

thanks
love,
-ME

January 29, 2007
12:08 pm
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Loralei
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Real,

It sounds like you were stuck with some lousy therapists. They may have hurt more than helped. I'm not sure what you think your problem is. Is it your difficulty in letting go of a relationship? Is it your uncertainty about your sexuality? Those are both extremely common problems for many people.

You will find that most of the people on this site have experienced difficulty in letting go of a relationship. As far as your sexuality, over time you will figure that one out. It is quite likely that you are bisexual since you seem to not feel that it is that defined for you. I've known many bisexual men who also like kinky sex, and they are perfectly normal, well-adjusted, successful men. Don't let narrow minds define who you are. It's best if you don't go rushing into marriage until you get a better sense of yourself or you may feel trapped. Just enjoy dating and getting to know people and experience life. You are only young once. No need to rush into adulthood overnight.

We're here for you so please feel free to talk.

January 29, 2007
10:33 pm
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I'm feeling a little crazy right now because an ex-girlfriend, now friend really got me worked up about some stuff. Yet I want to write to you all tonight and I hope you are well.

I'm a pretty smart man; I've said this before but, I need to take control of my life because there are all these things I could do, it's just about picking the commitments. I really do need to try and take control of my life more than ever.

Sexuality..... I didn't want to over push the question of it on myself lately, but I had a feeling which might hold some water. Perhaps when puberty hit me I didn't really strongly think gay or straight, I just knew I had a ton of sexual power. I did touch myself in someways at times when I was little older that were a little over the top.

When the over confident girls in middle school called me gay, just as a means of control really, I took it to heart. Even in high school I remember one girl really went out of her way to try and intimidate me. I didn't understand all of my attributes, I probably wouldn't have questioned myself so much if they weren't questioning me. I didn't know much what to say at the time. You get no redo's in life.

I knew I enjoyed listening to the sex lines on the radio when I was pretty young. I had an FM radio with headphones and I actually risked getting caught a lot, listening while sleeping.

I made my way on to the early days of chat rooms. And I remember a girl, maybe there were a few I talked to. Funny to remember a feeling of actually caring about that person, even though it's impossible that I'd ever meet her today, and for what purpose really.

I would talk to men online as a way of thinking I could push any envelope. I remember saying to people that I knew I was gay but hadn't had sex with a man yet. I would not make that statement today. And remember that I was on the safety of internet chat rooms and was younger.

When I got to college, even though I for different reasons have tended to believe college was more lame for me than most. I had sex with woman in college. Two that I can think of. One of them I had a ton of sex with. Once for nearly 4 hours using viagra. With the viagra I didn't need to stop much at all, and it made me feel very straight.

And after college I've had one sex partner, the same girl I was fighting with tonight.

Before I was trying to tell you about a feeling that I had. I had the feeling that maybe gay sex to me is something that I am occationally capable of on different levels. I might often reject it. It's actually almost like situational sexuality. Of course I'm still working this all out.

For one thing, the girl I had a lot of sex with in college was really slutty. And every time we would arrive at her house and would get some privacy it would turn into a sexual night. Everytime. And there I was, spoiled, and good to point out that I was spoiled. There I was willing to be hetrosexual all those times esspecially. I've missed her a lot over the years. My first therapist told me she's a toxic person. My mom and sister seem to think I need someone who is going to be sincerely nice to me like my old high school sweet heart was.

Thank you for your time,
more later
thank you

January 29, 2007
11:06 pm
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Loralei
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Real,

You are young, therefore your sex drive over-rides everything else. That's normal for young men. What you don't seem to have any experience in, is relationships. Get to know woman as people, as friends. Learn how to communicate with them and establish a real intimacy and closeness. That appears to be where you need to concentrate your efforts. Relationships involve a whole lot more than just sex. Don't even consider commitments until you have more life experience under your belt. You still have a lot of growing up to do. And some men never grow up! lol

Most of the bisexual men I knew were primarily straight. They only dabbled in the other side once in awhile. They were not gay. It was just about sex to them. They didn't have emotional feelings for men that they had for women. That is the primary difference. But they also told me that whenever they had a woman who could fulfill all their needs, they would lose their interest in men altogether.

Listen to your mom and sister. The most important trait to look for in a partner is if they are sincerely nice. And believe it or not, some of the nicest girls can take you beyond your wildest dreams in the bedroom. Just date a lot of women and you'll eventually find the one you are looking for.

January 30, 2007
10:23 pm
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I spent a lot of last night up talking to men online and had sexual conversations with them. I guess I think I'm just learning about my sexuality in doing that. I didn't feel right at work in the morning. And, I considered that maybe the problem when I do this is that maybe I can have sex with men, but what I lack is an emotional connection towards men. The problem with this, is I don't know if I really have homosexual tendencies, or if I'm just as one way of putting it good at situational sexuality. It's almost a freshing way of putting it, that what I can actually say new is that maybe there is no emotions in a sexual relationship with a man for me. What's scary and what I don't understand is I don't know if I'm just abusing myself, or if it means I have sexual feelings for men.
Everyone always says, oh people repress their homosexual tendencies. BUt for me, if I have no emotional connection to a man. I'm not sure if I'm really repressing anything. Perhaps a more important question is, could a man emotionally satisfy me? I think I might discover that the answer is no, and that perhaps is the answer to the puzzle a long time coming.
I just don't understand that feeling that I could indulge with sex with a man and have a firm arosal responce, yet actually feel sort of guilty when it's taking place. Which further confuses me, and makes me wonder if it's just my body responding to abuse or homosexual tendencies.
Sometimes people, sex therapists say, men have similar equipment, and that maybe I am just comfortable to whats familar with me.
As a side thought to all of this, I think it's actually probably better if I don't judge my sexual performances overly seriously. Because it creates perhaps a foolish haze where I am endlessly contemplating which gender I prefer. I've had a lot of sex with woman, not tons but enough, and I probably ruin the experience by overly questioning my manhood.

At work this morning I felt emotionally crippled. Which is how I feel after fooling around wtih men on the internet. My boss grabbed me by the arm once to bring me back to attension.

I guess I just fear that my prefered gender isn't woman, even though I have already most likely proved myself competent.

After all of this today I wrote one thing and one thing only in my planner.

That is, 'I have to become a much more full adult at heart and in how I act.' And that challenge is ahead of me. Sexually confused and sadly crazy.....

January 31, 2007
12:17 am
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Loralei
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Real,

When you say you abuse yourself, if you are referring to anal stimulation, that has nothing whatsoever to do with being gay or bi. A lot of totally straight men enjoy that strictly because it feels good to them. So if that's what you meant, it is not an indicator of your sexuality.

Guilt is often associated with any kind of taboo sex. It is no different from a girl who is brought up believing sex is a sin and shouldn't be enjoyed. She will invariably feel guilty from the act, even if she is enjoying it. Sometimes the guilt itself is a turn-on for some people.

I think you are worrying needlessly. You have a very warped perception of what manhood really means. It has nothing to do with the middle school homophobic definitions.

"I have to become a much more full adult at heart and in how I act."

I fully agree with that and think that is an excellent goal. For starters, I think it would be beneficial for you to stop the internet sex chats with men. Or women for that matter. You need to learn to socialize with women on a nonsexual basis first. Have you ever had a close female friend you could just hang out with? The more you learn about females and the way they think and feel, the further it will take you in the long run. Women are not objects. Get to really know them intimately before hopping into bed. That will aid you in becoming a more full adult at heart. Sex is sooo much more than just a physical act and I think you have been missing out on the best aspects of a relationship. Take care.

January 31, 2007
8:41 am
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hopeful for change
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I don't have any experience really to help you with your struggles. I do know that I have been to a counselor when I was 16 that was a weirdo and tried to get me into nude modeling with him. There are as many good ones as bad ones out there, and the most important thing I have found is that you have to find one you trust and like. Not that you'll always like what they say, but alot of times my counselor that helped me the most, wouldn't flat out say things, or answer the questions for me. She would leave me with questions to think about myself. I hated that, just give me the answer.

I am interested in the things you are saying...and I have never told anyone this ever, but I think my son is having similar thoughts. When he was about 11 I found pictures on the internet of men, I talked to him about it, and told him that he was young and he should keep his options open to girls as well. Now I don't know if I handled that right or not.

Now at 17, I accidentally read a instant message that he left open and it had sexual talk with a guy. So I talked to him about it in private, he got defensive saying that it was a joke, and trust me this isn't joking stuff that you would say.

He emailed me, and said he isn't gay and doesn't want to talk about it. I emailed him back and I just told him that it didn't matter to me if he was gay, straight, bi-sexual or whatever..that I love him for who he is and that could never change. Regaurdless of whatever sexual orientation he has, and that he could always talk to me.

I don't know if I handled this right this time, but I think I did???? I know its confusing being a young adult, and I have never struggled with this particular issue, I have struggled with many sexual ones.

I guess I am rambling here. But I would say the same to you, society sometimes terms you bad or wrong for different sexual orientations. I think society is wrong. I don't think anyone intentionally wants to be gay and deal with the social pressures that goes with that. Also, I have had relatinships with men who have admitted to having had sex with men. Most men wouldn't admit that, but it doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

I wish you the best, and I dont' have the answers but surely be here to talk.

January 31, 2007
5:45 pm
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I skipped out on some work today and wound up having a pretty good recharge.

Sometimes my idle time just kills me. I picked up Wayne Dyer's being in balance off of my desk and started reading and started feeling better. Just making time for living and breathing.

I haven't wanted to answer the questions of orientation too seriously today. If I had to answer right now I would say that I am straight and that I'm not going to worry about it.

It's amazing, just completely amazing how psyched out I can get by work, or by other things. And how far your performance goes down. We all need support and ways of supporting ourselves. When I was young reading Wayne Dyer made sense and it makes sense today. I am a talented man. I might not do everything amazing, but I can't get down about myself period. I can't let other people take away my spirt to live, and truth be known, I can be accepted in social circles both for my talents and just on the virtue of who I am. I don't have a lot of friends right now, but, I believe that can change; I need to get inside and be the best person I can instead of just being so psyched out.

Today I felt more confident about it, like, if I had a girl I loved I could marry her. The fear question is, is it all going to crash down and I will never shake off homosexuality? And that's not what I really mean, I don't want to shake off homosexuality, I just want to live life without undue suffereing. For one that is tremendous pressure to live with. So I'm working on it, and I'm not that worried, and I deleted my chat program. Which I don't often use.

Leaving the house this morning my mother said I "always was mature." I don't know what to say, just that I've got high hopes for my life, and I hope I do it well. Right now I'm not thinking I'm gay on the inside, and then you say what about the other night chatting. It may just be pushing a crazyiness on myself, rather than a showing of true orientation. Thank you all very much.

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