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I'm a real mess...
October 1, 2006
5:17 pm
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lovetocrochet
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I've been reading the book Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume. I'm a survivor of incest by my brother and father, and if you count people in a position of trust in the definition, a babysitter when I was about two, and my fourth grade teacher. I've also been sexually assaulted a couple of times, but within the context of incest those are my perpetrators.

I'm in the section that talks about the after-effects and how a victim is typically affected in different areas where damage can show up. It's just really grim to go through this and realize it's one thing to kind of know it in your own head, observe it in yourself... and another thing to see it confirmed in writing by someone who works intensively with incest patients. For me it's one of those things where just when I think I'm doing better, something comes along to tell me I still have so far to go.

On our way back from a drive this afternoon, my husband took my hand and asked if I'm okay. I told him what I'm realizing reading the book, and I said, "God, I'm really a mess."

He said he was really sorry to hear it. I told him actually it's a good thing to have the truth brought out like this. But the discovery is still so terribly grim.

That's all I wanted to share. Thanks for listening.

October 1, 2006
10:53 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks for sharing. I need to read that book, but not ready yet. Actually, I tried a book and workbook over six months ago and it was too much to handle alone. I understood what you meant; to see it written was like the author knew me; it was scary.

I have never told my husband.

October 1, 2006
10:59 pm
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free
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Hi lovetoc

Yeah, it bleeds out into all the areas of life.

this part is the toughest time, the discovery and realization and acceptance, and then the wounds begin to heal.

The bleeding stops.

And life is so different.

hugs to you

free

October 2, 2006
12:27 am
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lovetocrochet
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Thank you free and ggfred. I have started and stopped, started and stopped this part so many times and thought I was "through" it all only to have something blow up in my face and bring me back to square one.

I also spent so many years of my life being numb within my eating disorders. Now that I've been in recovery from them for the past year and a half, I don't have an escape anymore.

I have to face these things... and I have to face all the things they've done to me that I hate. How I see myself, how I react to others and to life, and just the stench from it that permeates EVERYTHING, and I'm so ANGRY because of it, and it's time for me to be okay with that and stop listening to all the past voices that told me to stuff it, that it didn't matter.

I'm better about some things than I was a couple years ago, but it's more painful going through this without being in a fog. I can't pretend everything is fine anymore.

October 2, 2006
8:37 am
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Katey
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Hi LoveTC,
I read your response to my post and you mentioned this one. Sweetie, I am so sorry you had this happen to you.

I believe the mind healing part is to go throught like you are starting to do.

Unfortunately it will take some time. You have had this in your body and mind for many years. It will take time to get the poison out of your body.

I will chat with you again. I am running late for work. Stay strong and you keep moving forward.

xoxox-katey

October 2, 2006
10:59 pm
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Katey
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Hi Lovetocrochet,
I am just checking in to see how you are doing this evening.

I had planned on posting earlier in the day but my sofa got the best of me. Two and 1/2 hours later, cleaned the kitchen and here I am.

Have you ever seen the twighlight zone where this man is on a train. He is riding and does not know where he is heading. Well, he ends up in a place where there are no troubles, no dramma, life is goood, people are great. It is the most beatiful picturesque place you could imagine. The town is called Willowbee.

I share that because, I use the phrase Willowbee all the time. With that said, I will pray for your move to Willowbee. I travel some but I always try to get back to my willowbee.

I do pray that you get past this bad patch and continue on you path to a healthier place. (Willowbee) You are heading in the right direction. Keep on moving.

XO-Katey

October 3, 2006
8:49 am
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lovetocrochet
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Thanks Katey. I too hope to return to my own Willowbee. That's a good idea to keep in mind.

I'm a little better but still somber. I managed to get to bed earlier last night and that helped, along with playing with my son, and my "girl time" I have with my cat at night. She keeps me company when my husband's working 🙂

Read a little bit more of Blume's book. It's still just eerie how much she nails on the head. I believe I read somewhere she went through incest as well so it sounds like she's validating from an "I've been there too" perspective if that's true.

October 3, 2006
1:41 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ltc-

I think that the "I've been there" perspective is necessary for a lot of us. It is easy, and so many people say I "know" how you feel. If you haven't been there, you have NO idea. And yes, for each one of us, it is a little bit different. But, I think that is why so many of us appreciate this website so. So many of us are survivors of incest, sexual assault, physical abuse, neglect, and all of that. I think it makes it easy for us to talk here. We feel believed and understood. In ways that no one else can understand. Though we all live and function (to varying degrees) in an everday life, here is where we are understood and find our closest conversations and friends. Because the understanding is different here. People can say that we are not living in a real world here. Yes, we are. We are just living in one that we have found people who understand us, know our pain, and believe us and in us. That is what has kept me going. I could very well have died last week, if it were not for you and kroika. BUT, because you believed me and in me, and helped me, I got through it. If there is any thing I can do or say to help you get through this time for you please tell me. Yes, I am having all kinds of my own issues, but I care about you as well. You don't have to face your pain alone. I KNOW your pain, and I care.

Scared

October 3, 2006
1:59 pm
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lovetocrochet
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(((((Scared)))))

Thank you so much hon. You are a real sweetheart. I'm so glad you're still here.

You are already doing so much to help me. Just listening and saying it's okay to talk about it does more for me than I can say...

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