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I'm a control freak when things aren't going my way...
February 29, 2004
12:40 am
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artist 2
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Why did I have to talk to him about it? He definitely does NOT no NEVER ever want to be with me again. Why, oh why do I try to manipulate things to see if he'll change his mind? Why can't I accept this??? it's too painful - this rejection is awful.

Lastly, why can't i ever have a relationship? I have never had anything last long. It's me, but what is the problem? I was married for nine years and made my poor husband miserable, but he hung on the poor guy. Why do i do it? Drive people away - good men away? What am I so afraid of? rejection - I'm so afraid that I make it happen to get it over with. How selfish can you get?

I had a good man in my boyfriend but drove him away. I'm horrible. Talk about stupid!

What can I do differently next time? I don't want to die alone! I don't want to live alone. It hurts so bad...

February 29, 2004
1:12 am
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free
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artist2

Maybe it's all in the perspective. You say that you can't stand the rejection. Well, do you really want to be with somebody who does not want to be with YOU? Maybe it's time for you to start rejecting those men.

I don't know the answers but find this thread interesting.

Artist, it's natural that some men will reject you. Not all couples are meant to be. There aren't many people with whom you will find happiness. So it's only natural that things won't mesh most of the time when you;re dating or looking for somebody. If he doesn't want to be with you, then there are likely qualities about him that will make you not want to be with him. Kuz it's not a match.

Doesn't mean you're not loveable or acceptable. It means that he's not a match for you.

What do you think?

free

February 29, 2004
1:12 am
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chloeysmomma
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artist eventually everyone dies alone but iam here and ur not alone i care hugs

February 29, 2004
1:16 am
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I care too artist. Hugs.

free

February 29, 2004
1:22 am
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kmshull
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There is an interesting segment in the book "Codependency No More" where the author discusses healthy love versus addictive love. Perhaps you have many of this "addictive" behaviors when you are in love with someone. I know I ranked pretty high up there with them and it's a humbling thought; that I've problem smothered my husband rather than given him space to be his own person and supported him in his own self-growth. I've always been to worried about "what would happen if ..." and I've tried to control him and what he does. Honestly, I haven't shown him a whole lot of respect. I'm working on that and thankfully, he is still committed to me and our marriage. Believe me, he's not perfect either, but we are both learning to be more realistic in our expectations and supportive of each other as individuals. I, especially, am beginning to learn what is means to really love someone (in the "verb" sense of the word).

February 29, 2004
1:25 am
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artist 2
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You're right. There were things, as many know from the threads i didn't like about him too. he said it's our personalities, and i guess he's right. We like, respect and communicate well, just our types don't work together romantically.For one, I'm the kind of woman who likes being romanced and that just wasn't in his blood. I missed it all the time. We clashed on certain subjects, though we did communicate well - as in clearly.

well, here I am being all objective and stuff. feels good. helps to talk and have someone listen to you.

February 29, 2004
1:29 am
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artist 2
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yes I am guilty of trying to control him and how/ what he does because I was uncomfortable. it's really a selfish thing. To make things seem more managable for me, I tried to make everyone around me change. How ludicrous.

February 29, 2004
8:16 am
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Katkeyper
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I learned some time ago that I have a great fear of abandonment (which I'm learning to overcome)...can't be alone. That insecurity could make for some very controlling and untrusting moments on my part. I also found a pattern in the men I was getting into relationships with...workaholic, manic depressive, charmer/abuser/controller...these are neurotic people with as many or more issues that myself. And of course, I wanted to fix all of them.

I've learned...in the past month...that I need to end the bad relationships, fix myself, heal, grow and one day, hopefully find the man that can love me for who I am, flaws and all, without compromising either one of our goals, dreams and way of being.

Are you compromising him, you or both against your inner wills?

February 29, 2004
8:33 am
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artist 2
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It was over long ago and I know it. it's abandonment. I can't handle being solo. I was having thoughts of suicide last night because it scares me so much. I'd rather be dead than face being completely alone. I'm afraid now of meeting new potential dates. I'm afraid they will see how sick I am inside. and how weak.

February 29, 2004
1:09 pm
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Zinnie
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Artist,

Why are you so afraid of being alone?

When my husband died, I still had the kids and the family all right there, but after a long time of reflection I realized I had to move on, I had to for my sanity.

I have never thought myself a brave person - still don't. But, I learned some cool things after my husband died, and I relocated.

I went on several vacations by myself. All through the U.S. and Canada, by myself.

I learned that I actually enjoy at times going to a restaurant and eating alone - while reading a book, or catching up on correspondence. Something I would NEVER thougtht I would do.

I met some cool and interesting people along the way. Some, even 16 years later I still keep in contact with.

Moved to a state where I knew absolutely no one, but here I still am - although I now have some great friends, and a husband that I would not trade the world for.

Something that my husband has said recently - that his friends and co-workers tell him all the time how lucky he is to have me for a wife. The replies he has rec'd shocked me, not him, but me. Since having cancer, I have put on a lot of weight, due to the steroids - I look like a pumpkin... at least to me, and I have almost no hair.

But... they have told him he is lucky because I'm happy, I want him to be happy and we work together as a team, but that I also come across as being content with doing things by myself. Which is true, I have to admit it.

But, hearing other men say this was interesting because we tend to lump them all together in that they want a woman that looks like Pamela Anderson clinging to them. When in truth - it seems that they like having a PARTNER who is comfortable in her own skin.

Does this make sense?

Z.

February 29, 2004
8:31 pm
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Artist

There was a time when I was so afraid of being alone. This passes once you ARE alone for a while.

Gosh, I remember at first when my kids went for visitation- I'd just kinda wonder around the house not knowing what to do with my time. All I knew was how to be a mom. Well, when things were quiet in the house, that silence was so deafening.

At some point started to think "hey, this is kinda nice. I can do this, and that, and that, and this. Without tv or fighting or questions or music....just in quiet.

And not only did I get used to it, but came to embrace it. I look forward to times alone now. Just me and the house and the birds......

Life has meaning artist, even when there is not somebody demanding immediate attention. Life has meeaning even when we're not doing something for somebody else.

Life happens because you are in it. Not because you do something for it.

free

February 29, 2004
9:18 pm
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pc girl
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So many great comments on here! "A woman who is comfortable in her own skin"...perfect! That is what I want to become, & I agree that it is prob. MUCH more appealing to guys than a pretty face & nothing else!
artist2: I have felt the terrible pain of letting my messed up ideas of "relationships" & my codependent behaviors push away someone I deeply love. What you can do next time differently - (your ?) - I think...or this is what I'M trying...is to just learn about myself. Why I act the way I do...what is the HEALTHY way to behave in certain circumstances that doesn't compromise ME. Focus on yourself...become an "artist2" who you like, feel good about, feel strong about...then you will have the best of yourself to present to the world. Ya know the saying that you "find someone" when you aren't looking??? It dawned on me yesterday the reason this seems to be. When you "aren't looking" - you are content with yourself, your life as it is. You are more or less fulfilled already - & THAT confidence is attractive to others. I am learning slowly here that love - having someone in your life that you so truly enjoy & vise-versa...that is an ENHANCEMENT to your life. For most of my adult life, I thought that love or romantic relationships WERE LIFE ITSELF!! All else centered around THAT! Is that why we are so devestated when something ends? We made it our lives...we forgot who WE were in it. My eyes are opening to the idea that being in love & having that reciprocated & all the joys that go with that should maybe be something we want & can bask in the glow of - but maybe not something we "need". Not sure - just seeing a differnt perspective lately since the old old one has brought unhappiness.
katkeyper - also big fear of abandonment here! Like what you say about healing, growing! Free - I also enjoy my alone time...Artist2 - you will be amazed how much you learn about yourself when you spend time with yourself! It's nice. Not all the time, of course - but really I think it's a good thing. Work on that before worrying about dating again or finding someone! Good luck!

March 2, 2004
3:00 pm
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marley
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Wow - This thread is really inspiring, as hard as it is to be partnerless (not truly alone) sometimes it really is for the best. As it was said many times through here what is truly attractive to other people is your self-confidence, and self-love. It is oftentimes better to spend time alone when you are unhappy to be able to truly deal with it than to be with someone else who can't really help you in any meaningful way, but only serves to distract you.

Z-

I haven't seen you for a while, but I wanted to let you know that I am going to try to take a week long trip out of the country BY MYSELF in may. I am going to go somewhere I know no one and see how well it suits me! Thanks so much for all your support and I hope I didn't drive you away with my constant whining.

Artist -

I am a control freak as well (and we have many weapons of manipulation) but sometimes in your threads I see that you are aware that you do not need this man and that you can be a better woman without him. Cling to this, rather than the memories of him or how you drove other men away. Those times are gone, they have moved on and you can too. It is ok.

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