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I'm a bit messed up
March 19, 2001
1:52 pm
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KardeizLaud
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I'm a homophobe. I think I'm bi or possibly gay. I've tried to kill myself before. No one knows but I have scars to show for it, luckily hideable by clothing.
I am terrified of men in general because of some rather nauseating experiences in the past. Maybe that's why I'm like I am now. All in all I feel like a doctor dying in his own hospital.
In the end I refuse to be this way, so death has seemed like the only viable option. Every day I lose some more ground. I don't want to die, but I refuse to be hated the rest of my life and judged only for the fact of my sexual orientation the rest of my life. It's too much to bear. No matter what I do, it'll always be foreshadowed by that fact, I will never be able to outlive it.

March 19, 2001
3:00 pm
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Molly
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I don't understand. Do you have a problem with being Bi, or Gay? Seems like the rest of the world has accepted most of the outtings. Its almost like the "in thing". So like what else is going on with you? There are many groups, even published materials where you can meet others dealing with, or that have accepted their orientation. I am having a hard time framing anything for you since you didn't sound like looking for solution oriented contributions.
We are all messed up, one way or another, one day from the next, but we work at not being so messed up. I don't understand "a doctor dying in his own hospital" Or what you will never out live, maybe you are just in the wrong place, physically as well as mentally. Take some steps, get some support, if being gay is it, then do it right, be proud of who you are, just be a good person.

March 19, 2001
4:34 pm
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BlueSoul
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I'm no expert and I have to agree with Molly when she says we all are messed up for one reason or another - like we all have our issues. Do you know what is the core of your problem? Are you depressed because you are Bi or gay?
Or is it something much deeper? Is it something really messed up from your past? Is it now? What is it that has gotten you to the point in where you feel like ending your life? I have found that most people on this site are genuinely nice people and give good advise. I think you should get some counseling right away. Not to sit and let it simmer. Please, get an outlet and more than likely you will find out what it is that has gotten you so pressed. You are in my prayers. Please - keep us posted. And reply to our questions.

March 19, 2001
4:36 pm
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BlueSoul
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I'm no expert and I have to agree with Molly when she says we all are messed up for one reason or another - like we all have our issues. Do you know what is the core of your problem? Are you depressed because you are Bi or gay?
Or is it something much deeper? Is it something really messed up from your past? Is it now? What is it that has gotten you to the point in where you feel like ending your life? I have found that most people on this site are genuinely nice people and give good advise. I think you should get some counseling right away. Not to sit and let it simmer. Please, get an outlet and more than likely you will find out what it is that has gotten you so pressed. You are in my prayers. Please - keep us posted. And reply to our questions.

March 19, 2001
5:01 pm
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KardeizLaud
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Yes, I do have a problem with being gay. A big problem. I have spent my life ridiculing these people. Don't tell me its due justice, because I have already considered that.
My father hates them too. If I happen to be one then I'm cut off without a dime and I never go to college. I know how people judge gays. Everything I ever do will be looked at through a 'gay' tint. Sound silly? Think about all the famous people who are gay, you know who they are. And that's just it, everyone knows these people and judges them. It's like, they did this and that's amazing, but they're gay. Like a flaw, almost to say that without that they would be perfect.
And how can you rationalize homosexuality? We aren't anatomically built to be that way! It leads one to believe that something went wrong. So here I am, I feel like I have a brain tumor or cancer or something. And the thought of being with another man terrifies me. I suppose you could say I was abused when I was young, so that's part of it. I don't mean to ramble but these are my thoughts and thanks for listening.

March 19, 2001
8:22 pm
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Molly
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perhaps you ridiculed the homosexuals that you have encountered, as that was what you may have learned from your parents. There is no reason to focus on the thought of being with a man, or anyone for that matter. Sure to have a sexual partner is great, but to have a best friend is better, and that does not require sexual behavior. I am getting your anger through your post. Are you perhaps angry that you feel restricted in acting out your sexual preferance, simply due to the possibility of no funding for your immediate future? We all have to take a stand sooner or later, and gosh, its not like you have one eye in the middle of your forehead, for the most part gay females blend in with all the rest of us. I think it might do you some good to find some one that will confidentially help you with this, since you indicated college is in the future, I get that your under age, and might fear your parents being told by your therapist, let them know you have precollege anxiety, and ask them to make an appointment for you, then review the therapist's ethics for confidentiality. Try to ease up on your self a little, life is to short to be this stuck. There is a solution.

March 20, 2001
2:53 pm
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KardeizLaud
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you misunderstand... I am male

March 20, 2001
3:42 pm
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Ladeska
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The "disgusting" things in your past is what needs to be looked at here. You see, when we swallow a "lie" about ourselves, usually in the arena of "who we are" or about our self esteem - it is like a poison inside us that we continually try to throw up and get rid of because deep down - we know it is a lie. I'm not talking about your sexual orientation here, but how you feel about yourself in alot of ways. There is a core "lie" here that is very deeply planted and done so aided by great pain and shame probably. When you have these factors when a lie goes in - and you are young also - it takes roots and become a viable part of your belief system about yourself. So, what you need to do is find out what all the "earthquakes" are really about. Your inward warning system is going off and giving you tons of red lights that you need to listen to and go find the lies that are buried there and pull them out by the root. Replacing them with truth would be a good thing to do. This won't be easy because when we tell ourselves something, especially when we are young - it goes right in and bypasses all the normal screening that you do when other people tell you something. Especially, if something traumatic happens to you. You just say - something bad happened to me - therefore - I am bad in some way or in all ways. I deserved this. These.......are the lies I am talking about. This is the poison that keeps coming up in you all the time and makes life unbearable. It's about "saving" your life - not ending it. But.....you have to have great courage that will face what you've believed to be true. This won't be easy, but isn't impossible either. I think you've got what it takes to do this. It's time you stopped dancing with the grim reaper and take a good hard look in the mirror and really and truly see "you" - maybe for the first time ever.

March 24, 2001
7:19 am
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eve
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Kardeiz,

I think that you maybe confuse being homosexual whith being a brute and a rapist, because you were raped by a homosexual male when you were younger (?). Being homosexual is normal. It's not what most people are, but it is something that doesn't tell you anything about a persons character. It's just a way to be, not better or worse than others. Maybe more complicated, because of all those "judgemental" people. But not everybody is judgemental.

I'm female and heterosexual, but I had three 'sexual invitations' by gay females over the time. All I had to do was to say 'no, thanks. I'm sure you mean to be charming, but I don't want to'. And that's that. I'm still friends whith one of these women - and I lost track of the two others. But I didn't reject them or treat them differently from how I would have treated a male friend whith unrequited interest in me (males are usually harder to get rid of :-)).

So I guess that you have to do some sorting out: what are you afraid of?
Your Sexuality? Gay men? Rejection from your family? Break it all into little pieces that you can either integrate into your life or decide to drop for good.

Sexuality does seem like such a huge and threatening thing to do when you are young and just getting started. But it is just normal life, really. It can be pretty wonderful, but like most other things it needs time and some care to find out what you want and where you can get it. Good luck for your way!

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